How scared are men of rejection?

[sirensiren]

I know men sometimes prefers to let a woman they are turned on by go, simply because they're very scared of rejection. In general how scared are you men of being turned down? And some tips for us women; how can we tell the difference between when a man is simply too scared of being turned down by us, or simply not interested?

thanks

 

[Bert Notorius]

Are you talking about sex, a relationship, marriage?

 

[sirensiren]

I mean in the beginning, taking the first steps towards getting to know a woman

 

[MR.GGG]

Maybe that's why you see so many gorgeous women with these complete slimeballs - the slimeballs are the only ones with the balls to ask them out.

Naw ... it can't be that simple.

 

[only_more_so]

I know men sometimes prefers to let a woman they are turned on by go, simply because they're very scared of rejection. In general how scared are you men of being turned down? And some tips for us women; how can we tell the difference between when a man is simply too scared of being turned down by us, or simply not interested?

thanks

Depends on the man. In my case, quite a bit.

 

[ShinigamiSama]

the whole reason I never asked anyone out in highschool


but now I just cant find any girls that seem even compatible with me

granted I've not been trying very hard either

 

[Dreamslayer]

Fear of rejection has lessened over time, but it's still quite an issue, at least for me anyway.

 

[sirensiren]

Is there anything a woman can do to make you feel better about approaching her? Also guys you do realize the irony, that women might want you to approach but fear being viewed as a slut, all the while you're worried about being turned down.

 

[ShinigamiSama]

Is there anything a woman can do to make you feel better about approaching her? Also guys you do realize the irony, that women might want you to approach but fear being viewed as a slut, all the while you're worried about being turned down.

yeah approch us first

OR DONT TRAVEL IN GAGGLES!

I hate singling a person from a goup so if theres more than 3 in a group I dont even watch groups
even if I know they're prowling

 

[only_more_so]

Is there anything a woman can do to make you feel better about approaching her? Also guys you do realize the irony, that women might want you to approach but fear being viewed as a slut, all the while you're worried about being turned down.

There are plenty of things women can do. The first is to NOT look away. Instead give a bit of a wink or a bit of a smile, something to show that you acknowledge and welcome his attention. That isn't being slutty. In fact, just smiling in general is a good way to attract attention. Girls who are pouting or appear somber, look like they will reject a fellow.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Is there anything a woman can do to make you feel better about approaching her? Also guys you do realize the irony, that women might want you to approach but fear being viewed as a slut, all the while you're worried about being turned down.

Story of my life. Yeah, most f the "sensitive" guys I know are like this, very scared of rejection. Personally it wasn't until I got older and got some self confidence that I lost this fear and took a risk. When I was in high school though, that fear of rejection was nearly paralyzing. And yes I do think it goes both ways as you described.

Man after high school after I had as GGG said, grown a pair, I learn of a number of young ladies that would have liked to date me. Funny thing is none of them are girls I would have asked out, as I viewed them all as "out of my league". I think many times we don't give ourselves enough credit and young guys are confused as to what girls really want.

 

[CitySatyr]

Is there anything a woman can do to make you feel better about approaching her? Also guys you do realize the irony, that women might want you to approach but fear being viewed as a slut, all the while you're worried about being turned down.

My sister once said that women don't pick nice guys, and based on my own miserable (if very limited) experience, I agree. And perhaps this is because, in my view, women are attracted to the image (though not necessarily the reality) of power, and if they don't quickly perceive a man as being in some way--mainly physically or financially--more powerful than they are, it doesn't really matter how a guy behaves toward her, though she may never admit this, even to herself. Maybe I am being cynical here, or maybe there is some genetic basis for this behavior, a modern adaption of our genetic past where such things made sense when they were a matter of life or death, but whereas in today's society, the opposite is often true, with too many women attracted to the wrong guys or attracted to guys for the wrong reasons--perahps one indication as to why we may be flirting with extinction as a species. (But that is another question.) As this pertains to your question, a woman might stop being in denial about what she is really looking for and not be so quick to reject a guy she might have been conditioned to see as not a suitable (i.e. "powerful") partner. Then if he turns out to be a jerk, dump him. But on the other hand, maybe he is just a nice guy who doesn't fit the conventional mold.

 

[eudaemonia]

Great feedback, fellahs! More questions for you:

Does the fear of rejection abate with time? Does going through a divorce make it worse? Is it possible that the more scared they are, the more defenses they put up?

Also, for you single guys who've posted -- sorry TBK! -- what's your ~age now, if you're game to post it, and are you still as afraid of rejection now as you were in high school?

N.B. For the curious: Yes, I'm having a terrible time reading a particular guy's signals. He's driving me crazy!!! I do know that he's very shy but I can't figure out how to help him relax around me (like he used to be). He's 46, a professional, very smart, very witty ... stares at me on some days and then avoids eye contact on others. There are days he seems fine and perfectly easy and then a half-hour later acts like he's about ready to jump out of his skin when he's around me.

 

[only_more_so]

Great feedback, fellahs! More questions for you:

Does the fear of rejection abate with time? Does going through a divorce make it worse? Is it possible that the more scared they are, the more defenses they put up?

Also, just curious about you single guys who've posted -- sorry TBK! -- what's your ~age now, if you're game to post it.

N.B. For the curious: Yes, I'm having a terrible time reading a particular guy's signals. He's driving me crazy!!! I do know that he's very shy but I can't figure out how to help him relax around me (like he used to be).

I don't think the fear of rejection changes over time, it changed based on experiences. If you work up the nerves and get shot down, it is likely to become worse. If you don't then it is likely to get better (even if it doesn't end up going further than chit-chat).

I'm single and 31, since you asked.

As for your problem... There are two scenarios I can envision based on the limited information you gave.

1) He likes you, and the more he likes you the more nervous he gets. There might be something that make him think you would turn down a date, such as:

a) You saying he is such a good friend
b) You having a boyfriend
c) If you know him from work, then that might make him uncomfortable
d) He values your friendship enough that he doesn't want to risk it​

2) He is afraid that you want to be more than friends and he really doesn't want that. I knew a girl like that once, and it really made things difficult. Believe it or not sometimes a guy does just want to be friends with a girl.

I think the most likely scenario is 1d, in which case he is lying to himself and the only way anything is going to happen is if you make the first move. Basically what is happening is the guy sees hanging out with the girl to be pretty close to going on dates with the girl (just without the making out and sex). He does this on a subconscious level. So if he were to actually make a move to ask you out, he faces the real possibility of you "breaking up" with him. At least, that is how I interpret it.

 

[Panama Hat]

A very great deal

and I think it might actually get worse with age; but in an unusual manner.

I'm 39. In high school, I almost never dated; because of a couple of cold hearted rich girls (wrong side of the tracks guy going to an upper-crust HS story. . .)

Now that I'm older, and have a law degree and a successful career (and am in the process of divorcing), while I am more able to talk to women, I find myself still paralyzed, for the most part, because now I actually have a great deal to 'lose' if it doesn't go well.

Also, for the past decade-plus, I'm, frankly, not used to rejection. As I got more competent, I 'lost' less and less; and am not 'desperate' if that's the right word, enough to wade into that kind of a risk.

Honestly, though, I'd like to meet an attractive, and intelligent woman. I just have this hang up that they won't want to meet me. . .

 

[Le Jacquelope]

Is there anything a woman can do to make you feel better about approaching her? Also guys you do realize the irony, that women might want you to approach but fear being viewed as a slut, all the while you're worried about being turned down.

Here's what you women can do.

Bitch slap your sons six ways to stupid every time they
a) call a woman a slut for making the first move on a guy; or
b) refuse to take "no" for an answer.

You have my wholehearted support if you choose to use those aforementioned attitude readjustment tools.

Oh, and of course, try making the first move, too.

 

[human_male]

It's not easy, but probably not as much as women, because women don't seem prepared to make the first move at all.

I don't suppose there's anyway to tell, just give him plenty of opportunities to make the first move. Don't dash past him in the hallway, taking him completely by surprise which is what one of the girls I like did to me. Sad that. And I'll never see her again.

 

[fgarvb1]

Well I Think it has a lot to do with the first few seconds/minutes of the process when deciding if a man wants to approach a woman and in what manner.

Hell, I think some of it is subconscious.

And I think a lot of it has to do with how a man was treated by "womankind" in his past.

The way you dress and the expressions on your faces as well as the posture you affect has a lot to do with how "Men" approach you.

Far more than you are ready to believe.

"We" are Always watching you in public far closer than you might think.

What I'm trying to say is that some of the best men around might not give you the chance to reject them. Maybe not so much fear as the seeable odds of success.

 

[naamplao]

Great feedback, fellahs! More questions for you:

Does the fear of rejection abate with time?

Hmmmm....the fear of rejection sort of lessens with time. I think it becomes more of an acceptance with time. I had a lot of trouble in my youth with being very shy.

You see the difference between guys and girls is that if a girl is reasonably pretty she will get attention from males, perhaps unwanted attention at times but attention none the less. A guy on the other hand can be reasonably good looking but rarely get any attention from the opposite sex. We are supposed to make the first move and many of us took a long time to learn how.

For me, it was becoming a salesman in the industrial sector. As a salesman I had no problem inviting a woman out to lunch or dinner. It was part of the job to entertain the client. It was 99% business but that was ok since it forced me into social situations. But the private person could not approach the same woman to go to lunch.

Even now, I find myself lapsing into what I term "saleman" mode to overcome my shyness. I don't mean the "Herb Tarlic" (sp?) of WKRP in Cincinnati fame. Not a swarmy approach...rather just a comfortable mask that I have used in the past.

It is funny though...sometimes you get flashbacks to situations that occured in your past.

I was a basketball player in High School but I was not good enough or confident enough to approach any cheerleaders in our school. But there was one that I adored....she was gorgeous and way out of my league. But she walked by my street on the way to school...I learned her timing and would meet her on this walk to school. It was great for me at the time as I enjoyed her company and she seemed to not mind being with me. But that did not last long....others were jealous I suppose and I was teased about being with her <sigh> so I stopped being on time for the walk. She never seemed to care.

Does going through a divorce make it worse?

Going through a divorce does not make it easier....for me anyway. Why? Well, having made one mistake, I am not anxious to repeat the same mistake.....and you seem to be attracted to similar women as the EX. As a man you might like to have many gf's to compare/contrast but that does not seem possible. One date seems like a commitment...hahaha.

I am not normally one for the bar scene but in the past 4 years I've taken up karaoke and that puts me in a social situation where I can meet several women with no pressures...being in a group helps.

Also you have to confront the same issues you had before as a youth.

Is it possible that the more scared they are, the more defenses they put up?

You think!!! Of course we do. I have many layers of armour to protect myself emotionally. It really depends on why we are scared. Fear of rejection is one, fear of commitment is another. I think you pass from one fear to another as a relationship progresses.

I know men sometimes prefers to let a woman they are turned on by go, simply because they're very scared of rejection. In general how scared are you men of being turned down? And some tips for us women; how can we tell the difference between when a man is simply too scared of being turned down by us, or simply not interested?

It is all in the eyes, darling. Look at their eyes. If they are not interested they won't look you in the eyes, they will break off a conversation quickly and move on. A shy guy may be at a loss for words, mumble and feel embarrassed about it but he will always look at you.

Talk with him....then leave for a short time. If he is interested he will continue to look at you...look back at him...if he isn't interested he will looking elsewhere. If you do look back and smile, you will see his eyes light up if he likes you. That is a sure sign with respect to a first approach....later on it may be different.

N.B. For the curious: Yes, I'm having a terrible time reading a particular guy's signals. He's driving me crazy!!! I do know that he's very shy but I can't figure out how to help him relax around me (like he used to be). He's 46, a professional, very smart, very witty ... stares at me on some days and then avoids eye contact on others. There are days he seems fine and perfectly easy and then a half-hour later acts like he's about ready to jump out of his skin when he's around me.

He is wrestling with his emotions. You don't explain the social situations where this happens. Is it one-on-one or in a group?

I write for a hobby here is a poem I wrote about being shy. I have several poems on this subject but perhaps this might explain a male point of view.

Shy

It was just a compliment,
nothing special really
just words in a social setting,
required for the moment,
although I meant every one...

Don’t feel obliged,
to return the favour
to become interested,
let me observe at a distance,
where I am safe...

No closer, I beg of you,
you will be disappointed
I am not as I seem.
It is just an act, bravado,
the real me is much different...

I let no one in
to my hidden world
not anymore anyway.
Tried it once...maybe twice
it hurts too much to try again...

So, let us join with the others,
allow me to play my role
to laugh and joke,
then we shall part.
{God!...you are beautiful.....}

Yeah....that pretty much describes me at one time in my life....hahaha

 

[sirensiren]

lovely! I really liked your poem

Let me see if I get this straight...if he looks at you he's interested,..hmm could it be that simple?

Of course we've all heard of the "if they hold your gaze for more than a few seconds from across the room, they're interested" of course only if it's "the look" Not the "gee, you seem to have mustard all over your face" look

 

[naamplao]

Well I may have over-simplified it a bit on re-read but the eyes are important. I suppose the really nervous would not be able to look into your eyes one-on-one. But the walk away, turn, look at them, smile should be a good test...they would should be watching you if they like you.

Thanks for the poem compliment....would you like another on the same subject?

 

[naamplao]

Ok...ok....your silence twisted my arm Here is another poem on being shy.

Bus Stop Shy

I've never seen you here before,
New face without a name,
I'm drawn to you slowly,
Circling 'round your flame.
Attraction seems to bind me,
As a prisoner in chain,
I want to get to know you,
But fear controls my brain.

For you are just so beautiful,
So confident and carefree,
I doubt you'd even glance,
At someone who's like me,
I'd love to say how much I like,
The color of your hair,
Your smile, those eyes that twinkle,
And carry you with flair.

No, I'll just watch and dream,
As we climb onto this bus,
Observe you secretly from afar,
So as not to make a fuss,
You'll never know my care,
Or hear me as I sigh,
When you leave and fade away,
I'll whisper my good-bye.

 

[sirensiren]

I like the second one too

 

[neck_romancer]

26/male/single. I can think of two things to add to this discussion:

1st, a lot of men go from point A to point Z in their head without hitting any of the intervening points. Point A being, "she doesn't even know I exist", and point Z being passionate, intimate sex. And they think they have to move from point A to point Z at "hello", basically. That's a huge amount of pressure that guys put on themselves. And, of course, if that's how you feel things have to be, you are going to be afraid of rejection, and rightfully so.

Fellas need to make a point of cultivating as many relationships as possible in the points, I don't know... B through L range. Do as much stuff with as many women as you can short of making out with them. That doesn't mean that you have to have a bunch of "just friends" - be clear that you like a girl, that you are into her, but start with simple things like going out for coffee, sharing a back massage, whatever. That kind of stuff can be a real confidence booster, and if you've got a lot of that going on, making the transition to points M onward should be a pretty fearless thing.

2nd, balance the ideas of entitlement and respect. Despite what some feminists say about men, you sure as fuck ARE entitled to fulfilling love and sex, whatever that means for you. So, don't ever feel bad for going out and getting what is rightfully yours. On the other hand, you must respect everybody who crosses your path while you're doing so. Love and sex are rightfully yours, but no woman is unless she's 100% with you on that. A lot of guys I know (and myself, for a long time) feel that these two things are opposed to each other. Either they have to disrespect women and be very aggressive, or they have to give up on want they want and be respectful. You absolutely need both.

To the ladies: most guys I know live lives of extremes. It's kind of crazy. Either they're totally up on their game, or they're totally off it. The best thing you can do is to help guys find that middle ground: cultivate a lot of touch, a lot of emotional intimacy without it "going all the way". Of course, a lot of guys can't be bothered to learn that middle ground, so this may be harder than it seems. But, it's the way to go.

 

[FurryFury]

Maybe that's why you see so many gorgeous women with these complete slimeballs - the slimeballs are the only ones with the balls to ask them out.

Naw ... it can't be that simple.

That is a big part of it IMO and experience.

Fury