How often do you have sex

[Deadbed1968]

Ya, I've mostly given up on initiating at this point, part of the reason I'm at 3 weeks. I'd rather get off to erotica or porn than have uninterested duty sex.

That’s the point I was at too! Although I was finding even that to be very unfulfilling. I finally came out and told my wife that I love her more than anything else in the world and I would always be there with, and for, her. Even If she never felt like having sex ever again. I told her that I didn’t want pity sex, and would no longer ask. She then came back with a plan to have scheduled sex. I was very surprised, and I readily agreed to it, since my next move was something I would have never thought I would ask for in a million years: an open ended hall pass.

 

[Deadbed1968]

Ya, it worked well the first month or two for us, but it kind of fell back into what I think the main problem is... our sex life, and on the larger scale our relationship, is much less important to her than it is to me. Literally everything is more important to her than our sex life. It's not a problem for HER, so it's not a problem.

She'll exhaust herself cleaning on our "date night," doing things she knows could wait a day or two, and then when the night comes she's "too tired" and will make it up next time. And the same thing happens the next time. Led to a big fight the other day when she made out a huge list of all the cleaning she wanted us to do and I rolled my eyes when she went over it with me. Because I knew it meant no sex because either she'd exhaust herself and not have the energy, or not get everything done and if the house isn't clean, she can't get into the mood. And I was right, for the record.

I'm going in for a vasectomy today, and I told her a few days ago that at some point I'd like to enjoy at least something with her even if it wasn't full on sex since it's been almost a month, and I won't be able to for awhile after my surgery. 3 days, nothing.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Have you considered MC?

 

[Bbl87]

since my next move was something I would have never thought I would ask for in a million years: an open ended hall pass.

That's about the point that I'm at. I'm 99.9% sure the answer would be no, though, so not sure I'd even go that far.

 

[Bbl87]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Have you considered MC?

I've pushed for it, she refuses. Doesn't want to talk with anybody else about our issues. I have an educational background in counseling so I'm a big proponent. And I'd go to counseling myself, but it won't really solve anything, might just make me feel a little better.

 

[BrentJW]

Thanks.

I always think of it as she cares about me in the same way a close friend would, but doesn't have the passion or sexual desire anymore. Which, honestly, if she'd just come out and say that that'd be great, at least I'd know where we stand. Maybe it is just a case of no libido period too, I can't say for sure.

When I try to talk about it, she always accuses me of making her out to be the bad guy (I intentionally avoid doing so), and says it's just because she's so tired all the time, her hormones are out of whack, etc., but doesn't want to do anything herself to address it, it's just all about the things I can add on that never make a difference.

At this point, I'm in it mostly for the kids and for the glimmer of hope that I hold onto that things might get better. In the meantime, I'm enjoying myself on here for as long as she doesn't want to have me. Healthy? Probably not, but we've both been happier since I stopped trying to initiate and just had fun on here.

I’m debating whether I should add any more to this, because I’ve never been in your situation, but what the heck. You’re right, not the healthiest situation, but you’re coping with the cards you were dealt. If she refuses to seriously address her low libido either through medical or counseling means, it says to me she has unilaterally decided to withdraw from the sexual portion of your marriage. Your desire to stick it out for the kids is admirable, but remember, they will grow up in a non sexual family with possibly unknown long term consequences. At the very least, I would have a calm discussion with her about this and let her know that once the kids are out of school you probably will be moving on with out her. Then plan accordingly. My 2 cents. Sometimes you have to risk things getting worse to have a chance of improvement.

 

[Bbl87]

At the very least, I would have a calm discussion with her about this and let her know that once the kids are out of school you probably will be moving on with out her. Then plan accordingly. My 2 cents. Sometimes you have to risk things getting worse to have a chance of improvement.

The thought has crossed my mind, but it would be incredibly hard to do. Sex aside, she's a great mother to our kids, a hard worker at her job, and a generally kind soul. A little jaded, but so am I. And, I'll be 53 at that point, not sure if I can really wait that long if I'm going to do that.

 

[Deadbed1968]

Thank you for this.
I’ve been through a lot of it as well. Look… we are in a sexual rut. However my wife is my best friend. Everything you mention about spending the rest of our lives and growing old is spot on. I can honestly say with the exception of the sex right now and the rut, we have an A+ relationship and marriage. However those long stretches make me emotional. Not going to lie, I have a self confidence issue in the bedroom as well. Kinda always have so her stress and tiredness I take as her rejecting me. We did have a very good conversation last night which also led to some really great sex. So it was a start. I told her I would be more upfront and she should be as well. I’m oversimplifying that for length but you get my drift. It just takes time.
Work for both of us is stressful. Money is stressful. Kids and college coming up is stressful. I look for sex and making love as a relief. She looks at it as an obligation and a cause of stress at night. We are mismatched libedos right now, just like you said. Thank you. And not preachy at all. Appreciate the insight.

It sounds like the love is still there! That’s a great starting point! Stress is always a libido killer, but conversely sex is a great way to reduce stress.

 

[ctarrantella]

It sounds like the love is still there! That’s a great starting point! Stress is always a libido killer, but conversely sex is a great way to reduce stress.

She is still my best friend, my everything. The love is not gone by any means. But this is just one strain that hasn‘t gone away in a long long time. I tell her it’s a stress relief for me, but for her, the asking and chasing is a cause of stress. We can’t work on the same schedule either. I’m a romantic at night before bed. She will be ready in the AM or want a lunchtime get away session. Or if the kids are out or in the shower. It’s like I’m the woman and she is the man. LOL
I don’t want to be rushed or potentially walked in on.

 

[LavenderIncense]

I aim for once a week minimum

 

[hilton1958]

With my wife, generally once a week, which I'm quite satisfied with, she is a great lover. Anything more than that is with myself, which I also enjoy very much.

 

[masterslave00]

Not often enough

 

[Meeh81]

I’m in a bit of a rut with my wife in the bedroom department.
When we have sex, it’s amazing. But I feel like we go stretches of sometime a week, week and a half, and almost two weeks without having sex.
If I had to average it, I’d estimate we probably have sex in total once a week but the long stretches depress me a little. We are married more than twenty years and between kids, work, and life we don’t find the time as we are running on different schedules.
For me, sex is a stress relief. For my wife no so much. I probably stress her out more by chasing her.

Has this happened to anyone else?
What have you done to get it back on track if so?
Any suggestions would be appreciate.

Thank you.

Same here we are doing it twice a month and its kind of frustrating since i have high libido and when we do its always straight to the point.. I miss having foreplay and edging. Well thats why im in lit

 

[Meeh81]

I am living this life as well. I feel terrible that at times I want to cheat just to feel some sexual satisfaction. Have not yet but feel that I would under the right circumstances.

Yeah same here.. Thoughts of cheating and having one night stand is definitely in my mind but haven't done yet

 

[ctarrantella]

Sex is in the mind for both of us, women and men. There should be mental stimulation to have and enjoy sex. Most often, after a few years of marriage, sex dies with routine and boredom. The mind here needs to be stimulated (on porpose) to trigger sex. That is, we have to make extra voluntary effort to stimulate the mind.

Definitely! With us, our issue is nothing is spontaneous any more. It’s always, do you want to have some fun.
I’m not sure if we should schedule a time once or twice a week and I’m being hopeful since we sometimes go two plus weeks without because of life.
But the idea of special lingerie or just roleplaying for fun has been gone for years.

 

[PersonalFavors]

Definitely! With us, our issue is nothing is spontaneous any more. It’s always, do you want to have some fun.
I’m not sure if we should schedule a time once or twice a week and I’m being hopeful since we sometimes go two plus weeks without because of life.
But the idea of special lingerie or just roleplaying for fun has been gone for years.

We still have spontaneity, but the foreplay never leads to my climax. Got to be in her to be allowed to cum. I miss when it was about us and in the mind. I'm ready daily or more for it too. Sometimes I keep it to myself let my mind wander and jerk off. Its less of a workout and doesn't obligate me to anything.

 

[kieranhalcyon01]

A couple times a year. Having a spouse who's more or less asexual puts a damper on the bedroom life.

 

[MasterDaddySir]

Not often enough.

 

[birdman01]

2 to 3 times a week

 

[Devilynme]

Not as much as when I had a boyfriend...

 

[Jseven82B]

One to three times per year over the nine years since her injury. that’s why I’m here so much

 

[Deadbed1968]

One to three times per year over the nine years since her injury. that’s why I’m here so much

So sorry to hear that…

 

[Bisexguy70]

Im like alot of others on here. Not enough. But if you include masturbation as sex then every day. Honestly its been way to many years since i can remember sex with my wife. Cancer and menopause and a hysterectomy put a stop to the sex life.
Hence my exploration on the bi side of life.

 

[other2other1]

Depends on a lot of things, but of course not enough, that's why I write stories...

 

[Jseven82B]

So sorry to hear that…

Not your fault my friend. I just hope it might make some folks feel a little better. Also when I die of exploded testies y’all will know what happened to me.

 

[crazy4myhusband]

Most of the time daily but if not we more than make up for it the next day in some form or other. If my husband is out of town the sex toy and I have a party!