How long do you beat yourself up?

[A Desert Rose]

Reading a certain thread here, I am struck by a lack of self forgiveness. Many can find justification for their behavior and shield themselves with that justification. But there are only a few who are willing to take full responsibility. Unfortunately, by taking that responsibility, they carry all the guilt and are unable to find forgiveness within themselves.

We are more willing to forgive our friends or even total strangers, as is exhibited on this very board in numerous ways and threads, than we are to embrace ourselves and our past 'mistakes.'

What part does shame play in our lack of self forgiveness? Is it shame that prevents us from moving past our 'mistakes?' How long do you beat yourself up before enough is enough?

Does anyone have an opinion on this topic?

 

[ChesterChicLuvr]

You referring to Lavenders 'Not Good Enough' thread?

That made me sad.

 

[lobito]

trying to figure out if I even understand fully, the question...

 

[April]

I don't usually stop. Self-flagellation can be an obsession.

 

[A Desert Rose]

No as a matter of fact, not lavenders thread at all. I have not read that thread, but perhaps I now should.

 

[sufisaint]

Until I am sure I have learned from the mistake I have made...but onrthing is for sure ...As I know my own heart better and as i do things against it...the effects seem to be immediate...I make the corrections faster and shorten my learning curve...I do trust myself in knowing that i am deep within a loving person.

 

[Mr. Kathy Andrews]

All to common sad situation

I know I am much better at giving sge advice than doing anything correctly myself. I have some strange fantasy's that most likley will never be acted on,,,,,,,,,I think it has kept me from having any sort of "normal" life myself,,,think that is why I am pretty good dealing with people in pain because I am the king of pain,,,,,will most likely never get my shit together.

 

[Aquila]

The amount of guilt one applies to themselves, depends on the severity of the transgression that they somehow performed. In their own eyes. Those who are more likely to be leaders and othe forms of responsibility takers are more likely to become immersed in regrets and doubts about their past actions.

Its as you stated a matter of taking responsibility on ones shoulders.
Some people take it all, and ask for no help. which in the long run is unhealthy, as they I am sure understand. However they find that it would overly burden someone else, or that "Its My problem".. its admirable in some ways, and very sad in others.

 

[Artemesia]

It's hard to lay down the bat you're beating yourself with when you think you should have know better, done better, seen it coming, etc. etc.

Shame, guilt, and self hatred are cheap hobbies. Bad habits that are hard to break because they become so much a part of your daily thinking that you don't realize what you're doing to yourself.

I've had a chance to think about this topic a lot.

When I lay down the bat, that is...

 

[Purrde Flower]

I doubt I will ever forgive myself for the sins I commited. Same sin but three times. Never. I still think about it and it has been over 5 years.

 

[acitore_vuli]

Sometimes the issues we struggle with, are not really ours. They belong to someone else, but we feel compelled to adopt them and refuse to rest until those issues are solved.

If you don't like me, is it my issue or yours? It's yours. But human nature causes me to look at myself and try to find the reason, rather then except the fact that you're the one who needs to find reason.

Ok, did that make any sense whatsoever? Probably not. Forget I said anything.

 

[curious2c]

Shame plays an integral part of ones moral compass. It helps to guide one to the 'right' thing for them and their situation. Sometimes a person can tend to get hung up on even trivial little things, let alone the huge ones.

I have had shame follow me sometimes for years before I come to grips with what I did or should have done in a particular stiuation.

Bottom line, it is up to the individual to decide when enough is enough. Sometimes for some people, that time never comes. Sad thing when one's shame overrides their logical thought process and then starts to destroy their self confidence and self worth. I have seen it happen, and over some very stupid shit too.

I feel that finally at 45 years of age I have a handle on the shame thing, anyway I sure as hell hope so.

 

[scrymettet]

2 minutes

 

[PacificBlue]

I'm not supposed to beat myself up??? Dammit. I missed another memo.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Until I am sure I have learned from the mistake I have made...but onrthing is for sure ...As I know my own heart better and as i do things against it...the effects seem to be immediate...I make the corrections faster and shorten my learning curve...I do trust myself in knowing that i am deep within a loving person.

That is definately a mature attitude you have. The important thing, I think is in knowing you made a mistake, making amends and then forgiving yourself for it.

Thank you for your post.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: All to common sad situation

I know I am much better at giving sge advice than doing anything correctly myself. I have some strange fantasy's that most likley will never be acted on,,,,,,,,,I think it has kept me from having any sort of "normal" life myself,,,think that is why I am pretty good dealing with people in pain because I am the king of pain,,,,,will most likely never get my shit together.

You know, I think we are all like this. It is easier to see the splinter in other's eye than to deal with the one in our own.

How much pain you carry is definately up to you. Keep your eye on the alternative; the less pain you carry, the more happy your life will be, or so I am told.

 

[Freya]

I beat myself up constantly for things I have done in my past, choices I've made, people I've hurt. And no matter how much I rationalize things, it just doesn't seem to make it go away. I, logically, can accept the fact that I was young, stupid, and in a lot of cases, addicted to a substance that doesn't allow for the clearest of thinking, yet I still continuously pound myself into the dirt for actions I took during this time. It's not even so much guilt as it is self loathing.

Of course, then there is the actual guilt for other choices I made. And again, same rationalizations, and still no end to it. Personally, I think people with an integral sense of worthlessness, will feel guilty and beat themselves up longer than those who have confidence and a surety in themselves. Those stronger people are able to think things through, make the necessary rationalizations, learn a lesson from their experience, and move on. Those who don't have that type of self esteem may be able to think things through and make the rationalizations, but instead of learning from it and moving on, they use it as one more example of why they are no good. At least I do.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I doubt I will ever forgive myself for the sins I commited. Same sin but three times. Never. I still think about it and it has been over 5 years.

Never say never. Life can be long and miserable when you carry that kind of weight and I have a feeling you are a fairly young lady.

If others have forgiven you your mistakes, then it's time you did yourself the favor also, don't you think?

 

[nasty1]

I usually only do it for a few seconds. Otherwise, I turn balck & blue.

 

[ksmybuttons]

I have done some things in my life that I remember and they make me shiver. I don't have to forgive myself, I do have to remember: remember that I was capable of doing the act and remember why I never want to do it again. I don't beat myself up about them, but I remember.

 

[A Desert Rose]

scrymettet:
"Sometimes the issues we struggle with, are not really ours. They belong to someone else, but we feel compelled to adopt them and refuse to rest until those issues are solved.

Ok, did that make any sense whatsoever? Probably not. Forget I said anything."

It made perfect sense. I agree with you too. I think we internalize alot of other's pain and blame ourselves for it. More baggage to carry around, is what it ends up becoming.

-------------------------------------------------------
curious2c:
Shame plays an integral part of ones moral compass. It helps to guide one to the 'right' thing for them and their situation.

Bottom line, it is up to the individual to decide when enough is enough. Sometimes for some people, that time never comes. Sad thing when one's shame overrides their logical thought process and then starts to destroy their self confidence and self worth. I have seen it happen, and over some very stupid shit too.

I was hoping some one would pick up on the shame aspect. A little shame is a good thing and can go a long way in keeping us in line. Too much, and it can become incapitating.

Thank you for your posts. Very thought-provoking, indeed.

 

[scrymettet]

[No message]

 

[Guest]

It would depend on the situation. Breaking an employer's vase? Not really a big deal... although I must act like it was a cherished family heirloom. I admit the guilt, deal with my feelings and I don't let it bug me too much after the fact.

Some things you'll flash back on for the rest of your life. One memory I remember very clearly. Seventh grade, history class, in my home town school. There was a boy with boots that were completely molded out of some rubber material. Almost all the kids in the class ribbed him about it, and he never really defended himself. One of those quiet types.

I remember kinda laughing with the rest of the kids until one day he looked directly at me. It was a personal moment between him and I, he seemed to be saying " How can you do this to me?" with his eyes. I felt so shitty after that, I became sort of introverted myself. I just couldn't join in with the rest of the kids in things like that.

I found out later that he lived right up the street from me in this ramshackle house with his two brothers and his dad. God, that still breaks my heart. Not the poverty, but the fact that we teased him for something he couldn't control.

That's something I'll always be ashamed of, but it taught me a lesson that I continue to use every day.

Shame can be a very powerful and useful tool when sculpting character.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I wasn't me but it's so true that i d like it was

Oh gee, I am sorry. I got nics mixed up when I was trying to be concise in my post.

 

[acitore_vuli]

Oh gee, I am sorry. I got nics mixed up when I was trying to be concise in my post.

the hipshot is gone....**sigh**