How far is to far?

[Lil_Mercy]

I was in a D/s relationship and he would, control what I wore, when I went places, my make-up, and everything about my daily life, but he also cut huge gashes in to my stomach and leg, he would ignore my safe word. I was in the hospital more than 3 times a week. We split up when he wouldn't let me go to the hospital when I was bleeding severely.

I was always worried this was normal for a Dom, to love to hurt you to such extremes. To laugh at you when your in true honest pain, to make you bleed and laugh.....

I am scared of returning to this type of relationship without knowing what is normal(ish) Dom/Domme behavior.....

So to all Doms and Dommes, how far with you go with your sub?

And to all subs, what is normal for you Dom/Domme?

Thnx
Meow ^_^

 

[broyl]

Well holy crap, that's not right at all. The point of <i>any</i> good, productive relationship is to improve and satisfy <i>both</i> parties... not one, at the expense of the other. Many subs derive pleasure out of their Dom's satisfaction, and that definitely doesn't sound like the case you just presented.

Good for you for getting out... you should probably consider yourself lucky!

 

[CBM514]

What is normal for one set of people may not be normal for another, but it is never ok for either partner to inflict significant harm on the other and definetely never ok to ignore the safe word...IMO a Dom's role is to care for their sub, use them, push their limits, sure...but not take them to a place that is bad for them, it violates the relationship I think...

Not all are like that, I'm sorry you had a bad experience but there are good ones out there, like any sort of relationship.

 

[Vulpesvulpes]

Not normal at all!!!

A sub puts a huge amount of trust in the dom to not endanger them or do them permanent physical harm. He broke that trust and committed crimes against you, plain and simple.

Part of the dom's responsibility is to take care of the sub, physically and emotionally and most take that responsibility very seriously.

 

[BrightlyGo]

I was in a D/s relationship and he would, control what I wore, when I went places, my make-up, and everything about my daily life,

That's a bit extreme, but there are subs who'd be into it - i find it a hot fantasy, but the reality gets old fast.

but he also cut huge gashes in to my stomach and leg, he would ignore my safe word. I was in the hospital more than 3 times a week. We split up when he wouldn't let me go to the hospital when I was bleeding severely.

i'm really reluctant to judge other people's relationships, but that seems just plain abusive.

I am scared of returning to this type of relationship without knowing what is normal(ish) Dom/Domme behavior....

And to all subs, what is normal for you Dom/Domme?

We have a fairly mild relationship, She is quite permissive with me, rarely uses pain (and when she does it's pressure points, nothing that'd leave bruise, let alone cause blood-loss), and when we do test limits, i have safe word that she respects every time (on the rare occasion we engage in play where i can't speak, we have a 'tapping out' signal we use). She does pick out all my clothes, but that's as much because i have no fashion sense (left to myself, i'd wear black cotton dockers and a black pocket T every day of my life) as for the luxurious feeling i get from being controlled. (it's also one of those things i can be open about and no one notices - someone complements something i'm wearing i can say "thanks, my wife got it for me") She does make a lot of decisions for us (spending, were we go, who we see), but usually asks what i want (and won't accept a ritualistic 'i just want to please you' type answer, either) and takes it into consideration.

That's just us. i doubt there is a 'normal,' every relationship will be different, and you have every right to demand that your next one not be abusive.

 

[CBM514]

Agrees with above and remember that just because you are the sub doesn't mean there are no limits that should be respected ( unless, I suppose, you had set that in advance)...actually the more I think about this the more perturbed I am

 

[gretchenmilliner]

A BDSM relationship is exactly the same any other relationship; if, on the whole, you don't enjoy what you're doing with one another then things are going wrong. OK it won't always be perfect but there should be lots of ups and only occasional downs for both partners. That was no dom that you met that was an aggressive, violent, jealous bully. Good doms are caring people who cater for the needs of their subs.

If you do try again better luck next time.

 

[Kellydude666]

I'm calling troll on this thread. So easy to see

 

[Lil_Mercy]

I'm calling troll on this thread. So easy to see

I'll post all the pic of every scar of every bruise. I am not trolling. I'll post a pic of every god damn scar and gash.

 

[Netzach]

When you think it's too far or when you find yourself asking if it's too far over and over, you have a good reliable gauge right there.

If you feel beat down, oppressed and unhappy, that's the most important way to know that you're in an abusive rather than a consensual relationship.

 

[KoPilot]

I'll post all the pic of every scar of every bruise. I am not trolling. I'll post a pic of every god damn scar and gash.

Put 'em on ignore, you don't owe him anything.

 

[Kellydude666]

Put 'em on ignore, you don't owe him anything.

Haha, not only are you a terrible mother, you're dumber than you post if you believe this thread.

 

[desertslave]

When you think it's too far or when you find yourself asking if it's too far over and over, you have a good reliable gauge right there.

If you feel beat down, oppressed and unhappy, that's the most important way to know that you're in an abusive rather than a consensual relationship.

This!

Any relationship, even a D/s one, needs to be one that is satisfying on at least some levels to both participants. If one of you doesn't feel fulfilled (regardless of how outsiders might view it), then it's not working.

 

[COCK_STAR]

One time I put a huge meat hook directly through this broads sternum... The dumb broad died in me. I'm so pissed at her.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Put 'em on ignore, you don't owe him anything.

I have only three people on my ignore list-- kellydude is one of them. *nods*

OP, what you experienced is NOT normal. The guy is off his rocker, and probably should have been charged with assault-- maybe you did? But more to the point you never have to experience anything like it ever again. Setting limits for yourself does not invalidate your submissiveness.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I was in a D/s relationship and he would, control what I wore, when I went places, my make-up, and everything about my daily life, but he also cut huge gashes in to my stomach and leg, he would ignore my safe word. I was in the hospital more than 3 times a week. We split up when he wouldn't let me go to the hospital when I was bleeding severely.

I was always worried this was normal for a Dom, to love to hurt you to such extremes. To laugh at you when your in true honest pain, to make you bleed and laugh.....

Fuck no. This is abuse and assault, plain and simple. If I knew a "dominant" who was acting like this I'd call the cops immediately. I think most Doms would do the same and some would be angry enough to take the law into their own hands.

The most experienced dominatrix I ever met was a ferocious-looking pro-domme who whipped and beat people for a living. She was also a lovely person who was passionate about equality for sex workers and was planning to travel to Russia to fight sex trafficking. Because consent is the name of the game.

Me, I'm a dabbler in comparison, but I would be devastated if I caused my partners unwanted distress. Their safety - physical and psychological - is my first concern; when I'm playing with somebody who's helpless, I am responsible for them.

What you describe is unacceptable and inexcusable. It does happen in some BDSM relationships - we aren't immune to abusers, and your "Dom" is not the first or the last guy to use "BDSM" as a cover for predatory behaviour - but it's completely contrary to genuinely-accepted BDSM ethics.

 

[HussarVanburen]

Well, whereas I am of the opinion that safe words are for people who are not really submissives, and any dominant who allows them is not a true dominant, the fact that he was more or less using you as a carving board seems like he might be a bit beyond the norm.

Honestly: You should not be going to the hospital regularly for what you engage in. I honestly can't see why he'd find this spectacularly amusing, as he is greatly degrading his property in doing so.

But yeah, I tis fairly abnormal for someone to go -that- far.

 

[loneranger8921]

How far is too far

If you have to ask that.
Than the person you are dealing with Dom or sub has taken you too far.

It is time to probably RUN!!!!

If a person goes way beyond your hard limits and physically hurts you Then you know that person has no regard for your physical safety no matter your emotional well being.
I don't care if you are into pain or humiliation bodily harm is bodily harm there is a difference.

When you are free of this situation you should self evaluate what you are looking for. Counseling might be an option for you just a thought.

 

[Oubliette123]

Personally I don't think guy is/was a Dom, he is a control freak who got his kicks and hid them in an acceptable lifestyle. I see a Dom person as being VERY in control, they have to be-there is trust involved with both parties.

Your question and the answer you seek can't be compared to other people's realities. This HAS to be about you and where you will stop, what your limits are. Its ok (and exciting) for those limits to be pushed and explored-but to such extremes? No way.

Chalk it up as a massive learning curve and experience, clearly you don't want to be back in a place like that. The limits I feel should be clearly stated on both sides, and if those limits are not known, then a gentle exploration is the way to go.

There are people that like to 'play' past the safeword, but usually these are people who know each other inside out, know the limits and have total respect for each other.

This lifestyle is consensual...anything past that is abuse IMO

good luck

 

[Bramblethorn]

Well, whereas I am of the opinion that safe words are for people who are not really submissives, and any dominant who allows them is not a true dominant

I always find this "you're not a real sub" line a trifle creepy, but it's much more so in a thread about abusers who use BDSM as a cover.

Declaring that you, personally, won't be in a relationship with safewords? That's fine. That's a personal preference, and if you can find somebody compatible with that preference, good luck to you both.

But telling other people they have to agree to your particular style of BDSM or they're fakes? Yeah, no. AFAICT that whole "a true sub doesn't set boundaries" line is mostly used by people trying to pressure inexperienced subs into doing things they don't enjoy.

For the OP: it is absolutely OK for a sub to have limits. It does not make you a fake sub. For well over a decade I've been playing with subs who have limits, and the BDSM Police still haven't shown up to take our BDSM Membership Badges away.

I honestly can't see why he'd find this spectacularly amusing, as he is greatly degrading his property in doing so.

The OP is not and never was "property" of this guy. She has made it clear that she set limits to their relationship and intended for those limits to be respected.

The fact that he apparently mistook her for "property" and felt he could ignore those limits is the PROBLEM.

 

[CBM514]

Well, whereas I am of the opinion that safe words are for people who are not really submissives, and any dominant who allows them is not a true dominant, the fact that he was more or less using you as a carving board seems like he might be a bit beyond the norm.

Honestly: You should not be going to the hospital regularly for what you engage in. I honestly can't see why he'd find this spectacularly amusing, as he is greatly degrading his property in doing so.

But yeah, I tis fairly abnormal for someone to go -that- far.

I think there is a difference between someone who is totally submissive and someone who is a sub in a FT or PT BDSM relationship.

Either way I have a hard time accepting extreme physical injury as part of a Doms role (or an expectation of someone to accept that)

 

[Netzach]

Well, whereas I am of the opinion that safe words are for people who are not really submissives, and any dominant who allows them is not a true dominant, the fact that he was more or less using you as a carving board seems like he might be a bit beyond the norm.

Honestly: You should not be going to the hospital regularly for what you engage in. I honestly can't see why he'd find this spectacularly amusing, as he is greatly degrading his property in doing so.

But yeah, I tis fairly abnormal for someone to go -that- far.

I always believed that people who play with this "never any safewords" generally play in such a way that they're never that important. I could even say that they play mild and talk big if I were that kind of an asshole.

When you actually do bondage that really truly doesn't allow verbal communication, not using a signal in addition to your history of communication and your well-honed I am expert ballsack - simply means you're an idiot.

Everyone has a right to their body, including the right to engage it in ways that make the rest of us uncomfortable - but it's the result, to me, that defines "too far" more than the activity.

 

[Stella_Omega]

OMG Netz I love you sooo much

 

[BrightlyGo]

IMHO, the purpose of safewords isn't to let you stop the scene, the purpose is to let you say "no" or "stop" or the host of other words it can be hot to use when you gasp and scream and plead while you're deep into a scene /without ending it/. If you're not using a safeword, no means no and stop means stop, and you can't have quite so much fun. It lets a sub enjoy a more visceral non-consent fantasy, for instance. It lets a Dom enjoy a non-consent fantasy without actually becoming a rapist.

When you think about it, that's kinda awesome for such a simple thing.

 

[neci]

Limits are there for a reason.