How does one liberate them selves?

[Cmay]

Okay, I am a submissive female. I have been in a relationship with someone who is not into BDSM. I have been for years. I slowly introduced her to the Domme role because she is naturally that way, she just didnt know how to harness it and utilize it properly.

So now she can be a little more like I need her to be. However, it is rare, forced on her part and I always seem to be left with the feeling of guilt because of my desires. Also, I only introduced her to it, I haven't even gone into the true taboos that appeal to me. we have discussed certain thing on a third party basis, and she has shown either through facial contorting or verbally that things I am secretly into disgust her, repulse is maybe a better word.

So, my question is how does one live when 40% of their need,wants and desires are not being met? Does one liberate them self from 40% unhappiness after many years of being with this one person? I also, have 2 teenaged children, should I do this to them based on my personal needs?

I would appreciate any response. I know this may not be a typical thread, but I was curious to see if anyone else had a similar situation and what they may have done about it. Or maybe just food for thought from anyone is great.

 

[CutieMouse]

Okay, so I have been in a relationship with someone who is not into BDSM. I have been for years. I slowly introduced her to the Domme role because she is naturally that way, she just didnt know how to harness it and utilize it properly.

So now she can be a little more like I need her to be. However, it is rare, forced on her part and I always seem to be left with the feeling of guilt because of my desires. Also, I only introduced her to it, I haven't even gone into the true taboos that appeal to me. we have discussed certain thing on a third party basis, and she has shown either through facial contorting or verbally that things I am secretly into disgust her, repulse is maybe a better word.

So, my question is how does one live when 40% of their need,wants and desires are not being met? Does one liberate them self from 40% unhappiness after many years of being with this one person? I also, have 2 teenaged children, should I do this to them based on my personal needs?

I would appreciate any response. I know this may not be a typical thread, but I was curious to see if anyone else had a similar situation and what they may have done about it. Or maybe just food for thought from anyone is great.

I would actually argue that it's a very typical thread...

I've been in the position of being told I'd make a "natural domme"; unfortunately I'm was not/am not interested. I spent some time working towards being more of a "service Top" in that dynamic, but (unfortunately) it was never good enough *due to the expectations of the person asking/requiring/demanding dominance from me*. A typical scenario would be that XYZ was wonderful... except that [it would have been even more wonderful if...]. Like most people, I couldn't compete with fantasy and I eventually lost all interest in service Topping (and intimacy with that particular person, period).

You've managed to change your partner into "more like what you need her to be", except that it sounds like it still isn't enough. Maybe your "rare" and "forced on her part" is as much as she's comfortable with. Everyone always talks about boundaries and limits from the submissive perspective, but dominant parties are allowed them, as well. Serious question - Why do your desires and limits trump hers?

As for the guilt - that's YOUR issue to work out. I'd even argue it's an issue independent of your relationship.

You're talking about 40% of your needs being unmet, but it also sounds like there hasn't really been an open and honest discussion of what those needs are... how can your needs be met, when you won't discuss them?

Just food for thought.

 

[ecstaticsub]

You can also explore going outside of your relationship to get your kinky needs. Of course, this works so much better if your partner is ok with the idea. I am married to a man who is kinky but not into BDSM. He has allowed me to get my BDSM needs met by having a relationship with a man who is my dominant. It works out very well for all of us.

I would NOT advise having a secret affair, then you will have even more guilt.

 

[Cmay]

CutieMouse, I appreciate your perspective. It is nice to hear someone's opinion that might fit my partners shoes. However, I am sorry that you have had that experience. I never thought for a moment that my needs surpass her's in any fashion. To me they are equal parts. Which is why I feel guilt.
If I feel as though it is forced, and she has stated to me that where I am willing to go in this lifestyle she is not, I can say she is unsatisfied as well. You have proven my point in what you said. The constant knowledge that I am not 100% satisfied, to her must be agony. She has told me that she feels inadequate in this area and this area being a very large part of who I am, (and she knows this) must make her feel like she is inadequate most of the time. I know that this ebbs at her even when she doesn't tell me. I don't want her to feel that way, but I cant change it.

ecstaticsub, the topic of her sharing has come up. She wants to continue owning me and does not want to share. I have respected that for many years however, my resistance is starting to waiver.

 

[Cmay]

CutieMouse, I appreciate your perspective. It is nice to hear someone's opinion that might fit my partners shoes. However, I am sorry that you have had that experience. I never thought for a moment that my needs surpass her's in any fashion. To me they are equal parts. Which is why I feel guilt.
If I feel as though it is forced, and she has stated to me that where I am willing to go in this lifestyle she is not, I can say she is unsatisfied as well. You have proven my point in what you said. The constant knowledge that I am not 100% satisfied, to her must be agony. She has told me that she feels inadequate in this area and this area being a very large part of who I am, (and she knows this) must make her feel like she is inadequate most of the time. I know that this ebbs at her even when she doesn't tell me. I don't want her to feel that way, but I cant change it.

 

[Primalex]

a) Your problems are first world problems.

b) Your problem has nothing to do with BDSM, but with the inherent conflict of every relationship - egoism versus altruism.

c) Nobody can tell you where the right position for the line between egoism and altruism is. You fucked her the last ten years quite successful, so shut the fuck up. If you didn't, you are ten years too late to whine now anyway.

d) If 40% of your needs as a human are defined by certain kinks, which is again just a subset of sexual health overall, then you should seek professional help. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt though that you didn't think this through properly and just wanted to fish for somy pity like the average subby boy I'm used to.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Primalex feels that fishing for pity is immoral, illegal, and disturbingly human, and he wishes he weren't such a magnificent Domly dom man, so that he could fish for pity himself.

 

[Cmay]

Primalex- Wow, I appreciate the candor. Yes, I have thought this through, and you should be well aware that the "kink" aspect, is only part of BDSM. The mistake that I made over ten years ago, was thinking that your claimed "kink" would just go away, or perhaps it was a phase. As far as a fishing expedition goes, no. I don't need to be boosted up on feeling down, but with your keen observation skills, I don't know how you missed that one. I would agree that the proble is world problem, but Im not going to call my girlfriend to talk to her about something that she has no idea of, or that I'm involved in.So I saw this site and thought well maybe someone could give experienced insight, instead...well I don't even need to finish that statement, do I?


.

I would actually argue that it's a very typical thread...

I've been in the position of being told I'd make a "natural domme"; unfortunately I'm was not/am not interested. I spent some time working towards being more of a "service Top" in that dynamic, but (unfortunately) it was never good enough *due to the expectations of the person asking/requiring/demanding dominance from me*. A typical scenario would be that XYZ was wonderful... except that [it would have been even more wonderful if...]. Like most people, I couldn't compete with fantasy and I eventually lost all interest in service Topping (and intimacy with that particular person, period).

You've managed to change your partner into "more like what you need her to be", except that it sounds like it still isn't enough. Maybe your "rare" and "forced on her part" is as much as she's comfortable with. Everyone always talks about boundaries and limits from the submissive perspective, but dominant parties are allowed them, as well. Serious question - Why do your desires and limits trump hers?

As for the guilt - that's YOUR issue to work out. I'd even argue it's an issue independent of your relationship.

You're talking about 40% of your needs being unmet, but it also sounds like there hasn't really been an open and honest discussion of what those needs are... how can your needs be met, when you won't discuss them?

Just food for thought.

a) Your problems are first world problems.

b) Your problem has nothing to do with BDSM, but with the inherent conflict of every relationship - egoism versus altruism.

c) Nobody can tell you where the right position for the line between egoism and altruism is. You fucked her the last ten years quite successful, so shut the fuck up. If you didn't, you are ten years too late to whine now anyway.

d) If 40% of your needs as a human are defined by certain kinks, which is again just a subset of sexual health overall, then you should seek professional help. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt though that you didn't think this through properly and just wanted to fish for somy pity like the average subby boy I'm used to.

 

[Cmay]

Don't know him, but would have to agree. Not looking for pity, I'm the problem, not my partner. Just looking for insight, maybe a suggestion.

Primalex feels that fishing for pity is immoral, illegal, and disturbingly human, and he wishes he weren't such a magnificent Domly dom man, so that he could fish for pity himself.

 

[Primalex]

Primalex feels that fishing for pity is immoral, illegal, and disturbingly human, and he wishes he weren't such a magnificent Domly dom man, so that he could fish for pity himself.

Primalex feels that fishing for pity is disturbingly human and that it's bad to mix this with request for advices, as it clouds the vision for what is important.



"Is there no pity sitting in the clouds that sees into the bottom of my grief?"

It was fishing for pity and a remarkable desire to draw attention that got Romeo and Juliet killed.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I would appreciate any response. I know this may not be a typical thread, but I was curious to see if anyone else had a similar situation and what they may have done about it. Or maybe just food for thought from anyone is great.

Might be worth your while looking into professional counselling. Finding a good resolution to stuff like this tends to take a lot of work, and a good counsellor can make a world of difference.

If you do go down that road, you'll want to pre-screen counsellors to make sure they're not going to pathologise your preferences - they don't need to be an expert on BDSM but they do at least need to be open-minded about it.

 

[Cmay]

Funny you should mention that. I went to one a few years ago and that is exactly what I received from them. A bunch of abbreviations claiming to be a diagnosis.

Although, I thought about couples therapy recently. So, maybe Ill give that a go if she is willing. Thank you.

Might be worth your while looking into professional counselling. Finding a good resolution to stuff like this tends to take a lot of work, and a good counsellor can make a world of difference.

If you do go down that road, you'll want to pre-screen counsellors to make sure they're not going to pathologise your preferences - they don't need to be an expert on BDSM but they do at least need to be open-minded about it.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Funny you should mention that. I went to one a few years ago and that is exactly what I received from them. A bunch of abbreviations claiming to be a diagnosis.

Although, I thought about couples therapy recently. So, maybe Ill give that a go if she is willing. Thank you.

I should've been clearer, couples counselling was what I meant there.

There are some crap counsellors out there, with prejudices that don't mix well with BDSM (or poly, in my case) but there are good ones too.

 

[Cmay]

You are very correct there Bramblethorn. I have found that a lot so claimed professionals seem to have failed in taking all of the required curriculum for their title. Such as, Diversity and ethics. The smaller cities and towns seem to be the worst. I have lived in both. I majored in psychology, and am able to self-evaluate, assess and define myself, Its the possible solutions that I get stuck on. I don't ant to hurt others and I am uncomfortable and uncertain with major changes.Thank you for your suggestion. I will try and discuss this with her and see where she would like to take it.




QUOTE=Bramblethorn;43467172]I should've been clearer, couples counselling was what I meant there.

There are some crap counsellors out there, with prejudices that don't mix well with BDSM (or poly, in my case) but there are good ones too.[/QUOTE]

 

[sensualroleplay]

One of the hardest things is to change the dynamic of an already existing relationship. Not impossible and it requires a consistent commitment. When it comes to female domination, women in control, you have to be very careful how you approach her. I see so many men do this, have a receptive partner, he becomes demanding and needy and eventually she shoots down the idea all together. Once she does its over.

A naturally dominant woman has to be seduced properly. Any projection of dominance must be her idea otherwise it contradicts the concept of control. I have no doubt it can work but it would require you stepping back and addressing her needs, her desires and relinquishing full control. If you do this properly she begins to build a deeper erotic trust. If you learn to fulfill her sexually (not the way you have been or think you have) then you'll open up facets within her that will naturally unleash her inner Domina.

I wish I had more time. I will try to come back when I do but it may be a few days.

Josephine

 

[Cmay]

One of the hardest things is to change the dynamic of an already existing relationship. Not impossible and it requires a consistent commitment. When it comes to female domination, women in control, you have to be very careful how you approach her. I see so many men do this, have a receptive partner, he becomes demanding and needy and eventually she shoots down the idea all together. Once she does its over.

A naturally dominant woman has to be seduced properly. Any projection of dominance must be her idea otherwise it contradicts the concept of control. I have no doubt it can work but it would require you stepping back and addressing her needs, her desires and relinquishing full control. If you do this properly she begins to build a deeper erotic trust. If you learn to fulfill her sexually (not the way you have been or think you have) then you'll open up facets within her that will naturally unleash her inner Domina.

I wish I had more time. I will try to come back when I do but it may be a few days.

Josephine

Josephine,
Thank you for your fantastic response. I hadn't thought about the fact that she is already dominate by nature, and things in her world NEED to be done her way, or at least seem as though they are. That the idea needs to be her's unless she requests it. That is her naturally. So, of course it makes sense that this as well, would need to be hers. Thank you.

My only question for that is, she has stated that she wants me to guide her, and I do, either by encouragement, gratefulness, or simple left, right up, down harder, so on and so forth, followed by encouragement and gratefulness. Should I do something else instead, or continue doing that and add something that perhaps I didn't see? On a side note, you have a beautiful name.

 

[sensualroleplay]

Josephine,
Thank you for your fantastic response. I hadn't thought about the fact that she is already dominate by nature, and things in her world NEED to be done her way, or at least seem as though they are. That the idea needs to be her's unless she requests it. That is her naturally. So, of course it makes sense that this as well, would need to be hers. Thank you.

My only question for that is, she has stated that she wants me to guide her, and I do, either by encouragement, gratefulness, or simple left, right up, down harder, so on and so forth, followed by encouragement and gratefulness. Should I do something else instead, or continue doing that and add something that perhaps I didn't see? On a side note, you have a beautiful name.

Thank you!

In my work its not just about phone sex. I love femdom and kink so I want to help my callers learn tools for their relationship. In fact I'm successful at it so I know it works.

Every relationship is different, however I can give you some pointers.

Every week buy fresh cut flowers and a scented candle. Make sure you replace these flowers and never let them die. When the two of you are home together always light the candle. Place the flowers in the same spot, like an alter to her and when she ask about them tell her how much you adore her and that you wanted to honor her in this way. That you apologize for being selfish, even needy and that from that moment on it was going to be all about her. That the flowers would be a reminder of this. They are also a reminder to keep YOU consistent because this is where most men fail.

Purchase a wand style vibrator like a magic wand by Hitachi. The sex store here has them. Learn how to give great massage, I mean master that shit and learn how to give her non-reciprocal pleasure. Learn how to become artful in giving her orgasms. This is the key. If she tries to reciprocate then plead with her to allow you to do this just for her.

Spoil her. Be man, her best friend, her personal sex toy. Do this for at least a month. Really serve her. Come in, light the candle then get to work making her world perfect, whatever that means.

Then after you have succeeded in rocking her world you tell her that YOUR cock now belongs to her. That she is in control of your orgasms. Its the foundation of authentic female domination. Everything is simply based on reward and punishment. You will have to earn every stroke and every spill. If you do this carefully and without conditions she will start to ignite her own power which is what you really want, right?

In my relationships its all about me. If you serve me well, make me happy I will always consider your needs. A dominant woman becomes artful with power when she studies the things that rock your world and then gives them to you better then anyone else can. But like apuppet she controls how you move, when she rewards you and you always work for it.

Good luck!

Josephine

 

[Netzach]

Opposite day with me. I'm also a phone professional, I've also been a professional dominatrix. In my observation a lot of the more solid guys seemed to understand how to make a successful compartment between perv life and everything else.

Marriage with complete sexual honesty is marriage which is highly unconventional, rare and usually worked for on DAY ONE.

Most people aren't up for this. People who have it, or believe they have it, of course believe it's the only way, but it's not. A glance at humanity supports a lot of cynical realism, and I believe that complete communicative transparency all the time either has to be something both parties want or it's a bad idea.

You have left the moorings of comfortable heteronormative life by telling one another things like "what I need may involve other people" - if you're not capable of that THEN:

1. STFU. Really. Silence is OK. She has things she's not telling you, I hope to God.

2. See a pro for your kinks which disgust her which chances are disgust just about every hetero woman on earth and will require recompense, and probably don't involve putting your penis in women you're not married to, right? I'll plug the phone and cam industry and say that maybe TALKING to a woman about your stuff is even more satisfying than doing it for real, in the case of a lot of people.

3. Guilty? Your problem. Keep it rare and keep it discreet. It's expensive anyway, but you'll walk away with your needs massaged and your loyalty more or less intact. Police your sex boundary and get your "weird" on.

4. STFU STFU STFU. Not everything is fixed with honesty. Honesty can be selfish. Like sex, sex can be selfish. Looking to your wife as an "adress my needs" machine is much worse than having a professional lined up for a few things.

 

[Netzach]

Primalex feels that fishing for pity is disturbingly human and that it's bad to mix this with request for advices, as it clouds the vision for what is important.



"Is there no pity sitting in the clouds that sees into the bottom of my grief?"

It was fishing for pity and a remarkable desire to draw attention that got Romeo and Juliet killed.

Damn straight, skippy.

 

[Cmay]

Thank you!

In my work its not just about phone sex. I love femdom and kink so I want to help my callers learn tools for their relationship. In fact I'm successful at it so I know it works.

Every relationship is different, however I can give you some pointers.

Every week buy fresh cut flowers and a scented candle. Make sure you replace these flowers and never let them die. When the two of you are home together always light the candle. Place the flowers in the same spot, like an alter to her and when she ask about them tell her how much you adore her and that you wanted to honor her in this way. That you apologize for being selfish, even needy and that from that moment on it was going to be all about her. That the flowers would be a reminder of this. They are also a reminder to keep YOU consistent because this is where most men fail.

Purchase a wand style vibrator like a magic wand by Hitachi. The sex store here has them. Learn how to give great massage, I mean master that shit and learn how to give her non-reciprocal pleasure. Learn how to become artful in giving her orgasms. This is the key. If she tries to reciprocate then plead with her to allow you to do this just for her.

Spoil her. Be man, her best friend, her personal sex toy. Do this for at least a month. Really serve her. Come in, light the candle then get to work making her world perfect, whatever that means.

Then after you have succeeded in rocking her world you tell her that YOUR cock now belongs to her. That she is in control of your orgasms. Its the foundation of authentic female domination. Everything is simply based on reward and punishment. You will have to earn every stroke and every spill. If you do this carefully and without conditions she will start to ignite her own power which is what you really want, right?

In my relationships its all about me. If you serve me well, make me happy I will always consider your needs. A dominant woman becomes artful with power when she studies the things that rock your world and then gives them to you better then anyone else can. But like apuppet she controls how you move, when she rewards you and you always work for it.

Good luck!
Josephine

I so appreciate what you have said here. Perhaps It would have been better if I had cleared this up in the beginning. I am not male. I am a female submissive.I love the idea of something out of the ordinary that represents her. The flowers, and the candle. I can see how consistently doing this provided stability and dedication.

The vibrator is an issue. She is a top in every sense of the word. Nothing goes there that wasn't already there. However, I do provide her with release, multiple times. I have pledged my body and mind as hers to do with or not to do with as she wants. Thats where it seems as though she does not want it.

 

[TheOlderGuy]

I so appreciate what you have said here. Perhaps It would have been better if I had cleared this up in the beginning. I am not male. I am a female submissive.I love the idea of something out of the ordinary that represents her. The flowers, and the candle. I can see how consistently doing this provided stability and dedication.

The vibrator is an issue. She is a top in every sense of the word. Nothing goes there that wasn't already there. However, I do provide her with release, multiple times. I have pledged my body and mind as hers to do with or not to do with as she wants. Thats where it seems as though she does not want it.

I love your tats

 

[Cmay]

I love your tats

Thank You! They are not done yet. I go next week to finish my back.

 

[njlauren]

I agree about the tats, doubly jealous, the way you look, and the tats .

I sort of have experience in what you are doing (though not entirely the same thing), when you said she wanted you as a guide. That happened in my case, and it can be really, really hard, because you have a situation where you want your partner to be your domme, but you are the one with the experience/desires/etc. It is so fucking hard, because you at least have had a taste of what you want, and you want them to go on this journey with you,, but you also are eager to get to the promised land while they haven't left the curb yet. Like I said, I know what that is like.....and I made mistakes,a lot of them, and here is what I kind of suggest:

-Couples therapy with a kink friendly counselor is really, really a good idea. We went into therapy over BD/SM stuff, but turned into something a lot different..but still, it helped, like our therapist telling me "All I see in this is you, where is (your wife) in this? All I see is your hand"..what she was trying to tell me is it is very easy to overshadow the person you are trying to bring along..which is especially weird if you are the sub.....

-Be really, really careful about pushing too hard, especially about elements of play or whatever you want. It might turn you on to no end with the thought of getting your vaginal lips pierced and then have the rings locked up in some way, with your D as keyholder, but she may not be ready for that..Also, if playing or doing things, please don't be as dumb an asshole as I was, and say things like "wow, that was great, but it will be really great when we get to doing X" ..it makes them feel like they will never catch up to you, or satisfy you

-I agree totally about the signs of love and affection, and showing you want her. The thing is, she knows you want her to be your domme, but she also knows you are at a different place, and probably feels inadequate and lost. It is obvious you love her, and she loves you, and the key here is letting her know that is the root of everything, that as much as you want her to be your domme, she is also your love.

For now, if you do anything, drop the idea of asking to go outside, give her a chance. By suggesting going outside, especially as she is new to the scene relatively, I think it would reinforce the idea in her head that she can't give you what you want....

-I know this is going to sound trite or judgemental, but I don't mean it that way. If she is your domme,then your job as her sub is to love her and help her and try to see things through her eyes, that she is learning all this, and if she truly is a natural dominant, then what you need to do is in your role as sub, help her get to where she needs to be, too. Remember, all those things you want to do are fine and dandy, but what about her? What about her needs? One of the things that was so hard for me, because I came into this all from having been in pro space, is to realize the whole thing is a circular relationship, that especially being a sub wasn't about getting my needs met alone, it was about getting my needs, her needs and our needs met. Again, it is so easy to look at what isn't there, that it is easy to forget what is already there, and along with moving forward, you also need to look at shoring up what is already there.

Another thing to keep in mind, is that what someone once considers OMG or "eeeew" can become a "oh, wow, that rocks" kind of thing. You should have seen my lady when she found out about play piercing, she was like "people do that"...until a friend of mine (a pro domme) helped her learn about it, and then, well, at times I looked like aunt Sadies pin cushion after it fell into a pot of melted wax (seems she discovered needles and hot wax are just the cats meow.....). You simply have to give it time, to allow her bit by bit to figure out what she can and can't do, right now she really doesn't know, I promise.

I think the biggest thing if you want a D/s, is to show her how it will make her life better, your life better and your life together better.

One other thought, I don't know where you live, but if there are any groups/munches in your area, it might be a good thing to check it out. Among other things, your D might find people who understand and can help mentor her, or teach her things, like how to deal with an overeager sub *grin* (okay, whoever told my lady that when I got smartmouthed, to improvise and figure out something devious, hope you know that meant I had to not talk, and put a pretty big wad of gum up my butt, while sitting in the passenger seat of a convertible in the middle of traffic doing 65 MPH, while not attracting too much attention). Seriously, learning from others helped her a great deal, I can't recommend it enough.

Most important thing I learned? Reassure you that you love her for who she is, that you love her, not the dominant her, the whole her, and that what you want is to make that love even stronger and to be able to express it in ways that work for both of you. It would be very easy for her to assume that you wanted her to be your domme because somehow she otherwise was inadequate, turn that into "I love you for who you are, but I believe you and I will fly to the fucking moon if we open ourselves to D/s, whatever".

I wish you luck, hope it works out

 

[sensualroleplay]

I so appreciate what you have said here. Perhaps It would have been better if I had cleared this up in the beginning. I am not male. I am a female submissive.I love the idea of something out of the ordinary that represents her. The flowers, and the candle. I can see how consistently doing this provided stability and dedication.

The vibrator is an issue. She is a top in every sense of the word. Nothing goes there that wasn't already there. However, I do provide her with release, multiple times. I have pledged my body and mind as hers to do with or not to do with as she wants. Thats where it seems as though she does not want it.

Ok well that adds a new twist yet not impossible. Acts of service without expectation is a good start. Being a woman/girl this should be easy for you.

 

[Allyourbase]

Acts of service without expectation is a good start. Being a woman/girl this should be easy for you.

*unlurks for a second*

I... don't get this?!

*back under my rock again*