How Does A sub Correctly Address a Dom?

[brioche]

"Yo bitch" seems to work wonders for me.

They asked what you call PYLs, not what you refer to yourself as to them.

 

[brioche]

Just to be clear and without obfuscation, the previous comment was a joke, and was in no way meant as a personal attack on Xelebes, who simply left the door open with that one. I have no personal hard feelings towards Xelebes, and wouldn't want anyone to think I was being - oh, say- bitchy.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Hey it's New Year's Eve!

Who ya gonna call?

Just to be clear and without obfuscation, the previous comment was a joke, and was in no way meant as a personal attack on Xelebes, who simply left the door open with that one. I have no personal hard feelings towards Xelebes, and wouldn't want anyone to think I was being - oh, say- bitchy.

 

[brioche]

Hey it's New Year's Eve!

Who ya gonna call?

Um, Ghostbusters?

 

[Blushing Bottom]

There has been a rash of hijacking one's own threads lately..

Something in the water?

Um, Ghostbusters?

 

[graceanne]

Just to be clear and without obfuscation, the previous comment was a joke, and was in no way meant as a personal attack on Xelebes, who simply left the door open with that one. I have no personal hard feelings towards Xelebes, and wouldn't want anyone to think I was being - oh, say- bitchy.

Anyone with half a brain would know you were just teasing Xelebes.

 

[Xelebes]

Just to be clear and without obfuscation, the previous comment was a joke, and was in no way meant as a personal attack on Xelebes, who simply left the door open with that one. I have no personal hard feelings towards Xelebes, and wouldn't want anyone to think I was being - oh, say- bitchy.

Hey, that was a pretty good swipe at everybody.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I find it odd that you Doms have nothing to say about this.

So many of you have expressed so many preferences about so many things.

Since I am the forgiving friendly kind of Dom, (just ask Catalina how nice and forgiving I am) I will forgive you your slight overview, but now to something completely different.

There is a great deal of confusion out there on how to behave and act in front of Dominants, which title to give, how to know what is expected of you. I concur with most of what snowy ciara has said, basically it depends on the group you are interacting with and what kind of protocols they have in place.

But since I am an egocentric bastard I ignore protocols of any group I am socializing with and enforce my own, which are very simple and not that original, at least not in the Netherlands.

Master (or Amo in Spanish and Meester in Dutch) is reserved for my property; I do not like anyone else but Catalina to use that title.
After persons have gotten to know me better and the feel they need to and or want to give me a sign of respect, Sir (or Don in Spanish and Meneer in Dutch) or just being polite is fine.

To me there is one major rule in life, respect is not given it is earned. If there is one sure sign of a bullshit artist it is those not very intelligent persons who demand any sort of title from anyone without the other party even knowing them.

Francisco (the psychotic Dominant part of catalina_francisco)

 

[shy slave]

"Yo bitch" seems to work wonders for me.

And if a passing Domme were to wander through here you would be brave enough to say huh??

If, for example it was Netzach, Shadowsdream, The Sweet Dommes or Tealsphyx??

Still feeling brave???

 

[Lilith]

I prefer to be addressed by my first name unless I say otherwise. I do not like to be addressed as Mistress, Goddess, Ma'am, or any such horseshit by strangers or acquaintances. Those titles mean nothing when devoid of a personal connection. Unless you are naked and kneeling, I'm just Lilith.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Sorry about that Blushing Bottom ............sometimes things can be perceived as complex when they are new to you. I guess it really comes down to whether you personally invest value on protocols, etiquette and traditions. I imagine you do to some degree as you asked directly here for advice.I actually find them comforting as I enjoy ritual Some people are more complacent about such things.

Google 'BDSM and etiquette' you will also find a myriad of opinions. I can't suggest one site specificly. They will all differ at some point. Unless being polite is estranged from your day to day life (which I doubt from reading your posts to date), read a bit, get out there, mingle , use common sense , intuition and I am sure you will shine.

I do think though, if talking good manners and etiquette, it should come back to how the person you are addressing wishes to be addressed. How people perceive you can matter a whole lot on first impressions and waltzing up to someone in RL and addressing them as Master/Mistress etc., can just as easily be seen as rude and/or insulting to some as it can be to not do so to others. As most have said here, we believe use of such titles are earned through both respect and position in that person's life so for someone to overstep the boundary of our wishes to keep using such an honoirific title, especially if it has been explained how we feel and what we prefer, then becomes a matter of rudeness and not being able to follow the simplist of directions, and for many a sign they are lost in cyber or fantasy heaven. It is the overuse of such terms which turns me off places like chat rooms and role play forums as from all I hear, they are overrun with people who think this is how the real world operates and spill forth such terminology like it is candy. LOL, and if someone presumes to call him Master, and continues after being told to use his name, I get a little annoyed, and see it as insulting and presumptuous... from his reaction to one such person today, I would say he gets just plain pissed off and if it continues will possibly tell them to not bother talking to us anymore.

Catalina

 

[Blushing Bottom]

catalina_francisco
Forgive my ignorance!

Being new here I had no way of knowing you both post under the same name and let me go futther to say thank you both of your insights and yes I am still a bit confused but not as muchas I was yesterday.

Onward

Since I am the forgiving friendly kind of Dom, (just ask Catalina how nice and forgiving I am) I will forgive you your slight overview, but now to something completely different.

There is a great deal of confusion out there on how to behave and act in front of Dominants, which title to give, how to know what is expected of you. I concur with most of what snowy ciara has said, basically it depends on the group you are interacting with and what kind of protocols they have in place.

But since I am an egocentric bastard I ignore protocols of any group I am socializing with and enforce my own, which are very simple and not that original, at least not in the Netherlands.

Master (or Amo in Spanish and Meester in Dutch) is reserved for my property; I do not like anyone else but Catalina to use that title.
After persons have gotten to know me better and the feel they need to and or want to give me a sign of respect, Sir (or Don in Spanish and Meneer in Dutch) or just being polite is fine.

To me there is one major rule in life, respect is not given it is earned. If there is one sure sign of a bullshit artist it is those not very intelligent persons who demand any sort of title from anyone without the other party even knowing them.

Francisco (the psychotic Dominant part of catalina_francisco)

 

[catalina_francisco]

catalina_francisco
Forgive my ignorance!

Being new here I had no way of knowing you both post under the same name and let me go futther to say thank you both of your insights and yes I am still a bit confused but not as muchas I was yesterday.

Onward

http://home.scarlet.be/~cl898452/index/vrouwen/vrouwen4.gif LOL, not ignorance and is understandable as he hasn't posted here for a long while. We try to remember to post with our individual name at the bottom to make it easier, but not everyone reads the name at the bottom including moi at times.

Catalinahttp://home.deds.nl/~tlampje/poppetjes/poppetjes/5/poppetjes5575.gif

 

[Gallant Man]

What is that saying about opinions, everybody's got one ...

It is interesting that good D/s relationships are about respect if you think about it and a respectful person seeks to learn the ways of a group so as to not offend them. It appears that this is the basis of the original question. Why all the fuss over a simple question, perhaps people like to think they know the answer or are uneasy when in reality they do not. On the other hand there have been several good answers here.

It is interesting to look at what is expected according to the long standing norms of society. It is generally considered rude and disrespectful to refer to a mature adult by their first name unless you know them well or are told to do so. Using the first name suggests you know them well enough to determine that you are on an equal level. Most know that the title Mr. so-and-so is used until one becomes familiar with them, or Sir if the last name is not known.

Obviously, Sir has a special meaning in a D/s situation and by context it should be obvious when it is a title of everyday respect rather than one of Dom/sub interaction. It is arrogant to think that anyone would be so ignorant not to know this, when it is so plainly obvious. Deep respect is earned, basic day to day respect is the way of civilized people, and it can be seen that civility in our day to day society is on a rapid decline. Certainly even basic respect for a person can be lost after interacting with them when it is not returned.

Times have changed and certainly there are some places where first names are used as many have stated here, but it is not the obvious absolute norm as some suggest. There are groups that adhere to each.

I agree with snowy ciara's informative post:

Hi Blushing... I don't know if we've "met" so nice to meet you!

There is no One True Way to BDSM, and anyone who tells you that there is, is trying to sell you something. On a place like Lit, we are lucky to have a wide variety of individuals and BDSM styles. Because of that, we don't really have any hard and fast rules. The real time club I belong is also pan-fetish, and again, there are no hard and fast rules besides be polite and ask before you touch.

If you find a "private" group they may well have a set protocol, as do some chat rooms. For instance, the D/s room on Lit is somewhat formal, and almost everyone uses Sir or Ma'am when speaking to a Dominant, or uses their name, with a Sir or Ma'am attached to it. Using rebecca's example, "Lady Kouka, Ma'am, may I ask you a question?" The bdsm social club on Lit is a lot more laid back, and this courtesy is not expected, and frequently, a Dominant will ask you not to refer to them in this way, as it is reserved for people in their collar. You have to take each individual situation as they come.

The same applies in real life. When I'm at a gathering with the pan fetish group I mentioned above, there are a few people I that I have tons of respect for who get the Sir or the Ma'am automatically. But it's not expected and some people, again, prefer not to be addressed this way. I also hang with the Leather Crowd, in which case, ANY Top or Master or Mistress is ALWAYS Sir or Ma'am, as well as any sub, slave or bottom who is more experienced than me. The cardinal rule there is to always err on the side of caution. It's easier to apologize for 'promoting' someone than demoting Someone. Again, these rules are applicable only the the groups in question.


The best advice I can give you is when in doubt, ask! Ask the person how they prefer to be addressed, and work it out with them. Just say, "Excuse me, Rosco, but how do you prefer to be addressed by a pyl who doesn't belong to you." and work it out with them. Of course, Rosco once mentioned telling someone to call him "Mr. NastyBoots SIR!" or something like that. Usually, if you're not comfortable with a title, you can find something that's agreeable to you bothl.

More than likely this has been done before so please be patient and help out a novice sub who needs enlightenment and direction.

 

[graceanne]

What is that saying about opinions, everybody's got one ...

I want to start this as saying I live on the west coast, which supposedly is a lot more relaxed than other places. *shrugs*

But I don't know anyone under 40 who prefers to be called Mr or Ms Whatever. *shrugs* Doing that is a good way to irritate people. I sure as heck don't wanna be called Mrs. (last name).

 

[catalina_francisco]

http://members.home.nl/animation.world/index/dolzz/Dolzz47.gif LOL, ironically I notice of late a lot of criticism by a couple of people about how people answer something or post with the accusation they think they know better or are judgemental, followed then by that person's idea of how things are and should be done....but they are not judging the rest of us or feeling 'their way' is the 'true way'.

Catalinahttp://home.deds.nl/~tlampje/poppetjes/poppetjes/3x/poppetjes3382.gif

 

[Gallant Man]

Whatever works for you, most are comfortable with the ways of the culture they grew up in. The point of the post is that it is a matter of opinion and norms.
I did say mature adult, meaning older, perhaps wiser adult.

I want to start this as saying I live on the west coast, which supposedly is a lot more relaxed than other places. *shrugs*

But I don't know anyone under 40 who prefers to be called Mr or Ms Whatever. *shrugs* Doing that is a good way to irritate people. I sure as heck don't wanna be called Mrs. (last name).

 

[graceanne]

Whatever works for you, most are comfortable with the ways of the culture they grew up in. The point of the post is that it is a matter of opinion and norms.
I did say mature adult, meaning older, perhaps wiser adult.

I wasn't attacking you. I did point out I live on the west coast, and that things are different here (or so I hear). I was defending my veiw point of calling people by their first names. And I looked at your profile, you're in your thirties, which makes you not that much older than me.

Beyond that, I dont' see anyone here saying that you should call dominants Mr or Ms (fill in the blanks), which is what people used to want to be called. They did not want to be refered to as master or mistress or "hey, sir!". "Excuse me?" normally works when trying to get someone's attention when you don't know their name.

 

[Gallant Man]

I didn't take it as an attack, and I was not attacking you either. I agreed with you that it is a matter of local culture and the times, and that times are changing.
Beautiful AV by the way.

Peace! Enjoy your New Year!

On another note:
The original question could be taken as Dom/sub one on one.

I wasn't attacking you. I did point out I live on the west coast, and that things are different here (or so I hear). I was defending my veiw point of calling people by their first names. And I looked at your profile, you're in your thirties, which makes you not that much older than me.

Beyond that, I dont' see anyone here saying that you should call dominants Mr or Ms (fill in the blanks), which is what people used to want to be called. They did not want to be refered to as master or mistress or "hey, sir!". "Excuse me?" normally works when trying to get someone's attention when you don't know their name.

 

[alice_underneath]

How Does A sub Correctly Address a Dom?

Hi, Blushing Bottom. Happy New Year!

I have no idea how to answer to your question, but I want you to know how much I have enjoyed reading your thread.

I am now completely and totally confused - much more so than before! The problem, of course, stems from my utter lack of experience.

For example, I have never been to a chat room (of any kind). In thinking about a BDSM chatroom, I find myself wondering what is really going on.

Are people playing a grown-up version of Let's Pretend or Make-Believe? Sort of like - I'll be the Queen today, ok? Make sure you call me "Your Majesty".... and make it snappy with those strawberries and cream.

Or, is the chat room for people to be themselves and talk about various BDSM issues - just like we are doing now?

And if they are just being themselves, why would the protocols for discussion be different than they are here?



Anyway.... reading this discussion has me laughing at myself (for my own cluelessness). And since I consider laughing at myself to be a very healthy pastime, I am enjoying your thread immensely. Thanks for starting it.

Alice

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Hi Alice!

Happy New Year to you too!!

...and regarding you comments ...ditto to all that.

I did go in a BDSM chat room once. That was enough for me. LOL

Hi, Blushing Bottom. Happy New Year!

I have no idea how to answer to your question, but I want you to know how much I have enjoyed reading your thread.

I am now completely and totally confused - much more so than before! The problem, of course, stems from my utter lack of experience.

For example, I have never been to a chat room (of any kind). In thinking about a BDSM chatroom, I find myself wondering what is really going on.

Are people playing a grown-up version of Let's Pretend or Make-Believe? Sort of like - I'll be the Queen today, ok? Make sure you call me "Your Majesty".... and make it snappy with those strawberries and cream.

Or, is the chat room for people to be themselves and talk about various BDSM issues - just like we are doing now?

And if they are just being themselves, why would the protocols for discussion be different than they are here?



Anyway.... reading this discussion has me laughing at myself (for my own cluelessness). And since I consider laughing at myself to be a very healthy pastime, I am enjoying your thread immensely. Thanks for starting it.

Alice

 

[shy slave]

Small hijack

catalina have you discovered a cache of new emoticons by any chance??

The lady tearing her hair out made me laugh out loud.

Recently I have needed that one alot LOL

BACK ON TOPIC

Alice I have only been in a couple of chat rooms, have been in the Lit rooms twice in two years and one other once. Mostly i was bored and no-one seemed to be saying anything other than 'Hi'.

But now I am curious about other peoples experiences of them and of role play groups.

 

[alice_underneath]

Ohh this is a new one to me LostSpirit I wonder where this title 'M'Lord' originates from. The few 'Lords' I know are of English background and I have always assumed it was a semi cultural distinction derived from that. The 'M' part sounds very old worldly to me, perhaps it has a Celtic influence, I would love to know the History behind this if you are able to ascertain such. Thank you for drawing attention to this title , dammit now I want to know more..........smiles

You mentioned Lady Kouka, so your comment "this is a new one" surprises me.

Isn't "Lord" just the masculine version of "Lady"?

What does the "Lady" in "Lady Kouka" signify?

Is she telling us that she is a Domme, and asking to be addressed with a title of sorts? (A feminine version of "Marquis"?)

Or is she saying she is a pyl for Lord Kouka? (A more elegant and sophisticated version of "Joe's sub"?)

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hi, Blushing Bottom.

And if they are just being themselves, why would the protocols for discussion be different than they are here?

LOL, Alice, some people just get carried away with their own importance (self perceived) or are caught up in the fantasy world and don't realise that putting such a title in front of their name in a chat room or elsewhere doesn't make them anymore believable if they don't have a clue in the first place. I am like shy, visited a couple of times and left just as quickly as it seemed boring and a bit far fetched.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

catalina have you discovered a cache of new emoticons by any chance??

The lady tearing her hair out made me laugh out loud.

Recently I have needed that one alot LOL

BACK ON TOPIC

LOL, recently discovered 2 of my favourites have disappeared in the nether regions of cyber space, so yes, this was a new discovery.http://home.scarlet.be/~hl990156/schormel/bmkani.gif

Catalinahttp://home.scarlet.be/~cl898452/index/speciaals/1speciaals.gif