How do you

[Guest]

Bad Kitty's comment about a battered woman's shelter finding her a place where she cannot be contacted by him answered that one pretty well I think.. It is possible for someone to just drop out of sight for a while, if he cant contact her, he wont be able to worm his way back into her life?

Slowfingers

His tentacles are long and reach into many deep dark places.....

Which means this is easier said than done. But the right idea, yes.

 

[truegentleman]

she needs to bring forth every ounce of courage in her body and just leave. Do everything in your power to show her that her husband has a serious problem. I have seen many women put up with years of abuse, only to finally walk away when he turns it on the children.

Good luck to you and your friend. I know that it is hard, I spent several years helping out at a shelter for abused women. I hope that you can get her out before it explodes.

 

[horny_giraffe]

All I can say is-run away, run away!

 

[bad kitty]

His tentacles are long and reach into many deep dark places.....

Which means this is easier said than done. But the right idea, yes.

I do know of one place in the mtns of NC that takes these women and they are totally relocated and hidden, taught new job skills, and how to live on their own, and be strong. I don't know if yall have a organization like that there. Let me know and I can actually get you and her in contact with them. That is if she is willing.

This is a very hard and depressing situation for all involved. It takes an inner strength that unfortunately many women don't find, son't have the courage to look, or otherwise just doesn't believe it exists. The longer it goes on teh worse it gets. It is extremely frustrating for the people on the outside trying to help too because the victim keeps themselves in the situation. It goes in cycles. You feel like helping, you do everything you can, you get them out, they go back, you try to help again, you try to enlighten, you think you are getting somewhere, then they leave. Next thing you know they are back again acting like a happy family for a week, then it gets worse... after about 30 cycles of this you get to the point where you start to get frustrated, but you still want to help, then after another 30 or so cycles, you get pissed off, then again after about 30 more cycles, you totally give up. If you are lucky the psycho abuser has left you and your family alone, not slashed your tires or tried to abuse you too.

I pray she finds her strength before it gets this bad. And his tentacles doesn't reach everywhere, she has to be willing to do what it takes.

 

[tulip2lipservice]

Hugs to you for

I understand your feeling of uncertainty. Things are out of your control. I have been there five years ago. A dear friend of mine was hiding such abuse for a very very long time. Fear of what could happen to her and her three children.

Then one day he went to far and this is after he moved out with an order of protection placed upon him. So many hours did he taunt her even with that piece of paper. For that is all it was. So she went out for a walk and was attacked by him. This time she could not cover up her bruises or wanted to in the hospital emergency room. That day she and her three children disappeared. I was lost and striken with fear and worry.

After several calls to the police I finally had found out information of her story. All I had was the reassurance from the police tha she was in a safe place. She was and I was not able to have any contact of visits until a year or two after her last attack. The first time I got to see her was in the court for the attack.

She went through a lot and yes she could of walked away from it so many times in the past. He was obsessed over her. She was afraid of what others would think. Hence the cover up for years and the jail she placed herself in. It will have to be in your friends time and hopefully before something severe happens to her.

There are hotline numbers, counselors, batter women support groups, hidden shelters. So much information these days on the internet also. She has to try to prepare what she wants to take with her even if it is only the clothes on her back with her life in tact. Be there for her she is listening to you. You support means so much to her she will never be able to fully express it to you. She can rebuild her life my friend did. After finishing college and working on her second masters she has found peace.

There is nothing wrong with you educating yourself either about shelters and support groups. Give her the information. Stand by her even though it is like hitting your head against the wall. Remember even if you do not approve of her decisions in things that it is her choice to stay or go. Simply accept her and do what you can without feeling helpless and sucked into it.

Good luck to you and your friend.

PM me. If I can find out information for you I will do my best.

Peace,
Tulip

 

[Guest]

Wow, those last two posts, no, make that 4 posts, really hit home nicely.

I fear that she would never leave the county or her job though, and will be easily found by him.

 

[someplace]

Storm, there is another thread working in the How To section on this topic, you might wish to read:

Thread on - How do you Help Someone Get Over Being Abused?

Domestic Violence is cyclical. There are statistics on how many times a woman will return to her situation (for many reasons) before she finally gets out. Be prepared for that. I think the idea of having her read the checklist is an excellent one. It was something like that which finally broke through my shell. You may wish to find someone who's been through a similar situation to talk to her in person -- let her know that people DO survive this and find peace on the other side. It will not be easy, but it is worth it.

 

[Cheyenne]

Storm, you're a good person and compassionate when trying to help people. I have no experience at all in what you are talking about. But if you aren't successful in helping this friend, it won't be because you haven't done everything humanly possible to open her eyes. Sometimes people have to want the help, want to change, before they will listen. You can't make them do that.

 

[bad kitty]

I agree with Chey, honey, if when all of this settles in the end, and you can't convince her to go, don't blame yourself. It is like a horrible addiction, and rehab isn't near as easy as it is with substances. not saying substance abuse rehab is easy at all, just that this kind of addiction is harder to break.

 

[ksmybuttons]

It is her choice. It is her decision. You can give her the facts, you can nag, you can badger. It still ends up being her decision. Sad and true.

Hopefully she will go before she is dead.

 

[Calamity Jane]

If you figure it out darlin, let me know.

One of my closest friends is in a very bad relationship. She wants to leave, threatens to leave, and his behavior changes. After a few weeks or so, it's back to the same old thing, but the fact that his behavior changed... even for a little while... gives her hope that eventually the change will be permanent.

I don't know how to convince her that the behavior isn't going to change. I've told her stories, introduced her to friends that have been in similar situations, given her info from shelters... we talk about all of it, we bat around ideas... friends have stepped forward and offered her a place to stay, a place to keep her horses, etc. She always says "I'll just have to give it some more time."

 

[Marilyth]

You take what you can. Save as much money as you can. You find someone (one person will do) that will help you. You find a shelter. You pack what you need, you grab your dog and you leave. You do this one day when he's out of the house.

Getting over it is the harder part. That takes time. You feel frightened, betrayed, and powerless. There are more feelings there than the love concept.

You begin to learn that you can do things on your own. That you are a capable, beautiful person who deserves more than what you've been handling. Remember, you have your dog! They love without condition.

When you begin to cope, you find someone that you can talk to about it. Therapy is a wonderful thing. They are right when they say to talk about it, and that time heals all wounds.

If you feel more in danger, you take legal action. Protection orders, restraining orders, etc. Any time you need to get things from your home, you wait until he's gone, and take several people with you. You inform the police that he has threatened you. These days, police may take those threats more seriously.

Then you try to move on. Don't fool yourself though, it is very hard! The only reason I got thru my situation is my family, and that I wasn't married to the man. You have options!! Even though family may not be on your side right now, make the choice and empower yourself! You will make it!!!

Get rid of an abusive husband, one who threatens to kill you and has the means, one who beats your dog, all without the aid of your family? How do you get past being in love with this person? Where do you get the strength to face life alone and rejected?

 

[Guest]

Y'all are right, of course, and I know that all too well. She told me today that fear of the pain of this whole process, fear of the loss, fear of being alone at 33 is killing here as much as the abusive relationship.

I'm providing her with all of the info I can and am being supportive as hell.

But I can see the handwriting on the wall. He's losing his job, chosing his biker gang, skipping the house payments, and reverting back to a 19 year old mentality rather quickly.

It's hard to watch a train wreck while it's happening. At least the dog is doing quite well now, no permanent damage.