How do you when you're "experienced"?

[Cirrus]

This is a term I've seen thrown around quite a lot lately, and it's gotten me to thinking. I'm new to BDSM, but I consider myself moderately experienced. I know my sexual identity, wants, needs and limits. I know what I am looking for in my current Dom and any in the future. I'm well versed in terms and practices, objects and methods of using them. I know the importance of SSC, communication, and how to to go about both.

Still, I know I lack experience simply for the fact that I haven't "officially" been in the lifestyle for long. I know there are experiences that I have not yet had, some I can predict, others will take my by surpise. I don't know how I will react when these situations come up, but I know that I have a lot left to learn from them.

I think we would all agree that someone who's been with one partner for maybe a few months (and I'm not singling anyone out, this is a hypothetical person) and only experimented with light bondage a few times might have an interest in BDSM, they are not experienced.

Still, is someone who's been in the lifestyle for years necessarily experienced if they've never grown and developed in their identity? Who isn't open to new things, or doesn't play safely?

How do we define experience in the context of BDSM? What are the criteria? I know there's no way to log a number of parters or number of hours playing and say "there, now I'm experienced". What do the words experienced and inexperienced mean to you?

 

[artful]

How do we define experience in the context of BDSM? What are the criteria? I know there's no way to log a number of parters or number of hours playing and say "there, now I'm experienced". What do the words experienced and inexperienced mean to you?

In short, I would define one as experienced,...if they have tasted what is defined as an BDSM experience in real life, face-to-face, (thank you MsWorthy),or skin-to-skin contact.

Inexperienced would be one who had not.

Further, I think MANY who THINK they are NOT experienced, indeed, if they were to be exposed to our defined practices, (thank you Nemo), they would agree they ARE BDSM practioners.

Sadly,...many of those people are cloaked in IGNORANCE, and/or, because they do not wish for OTHERS to be able to associate them with what they perceive as a, "Sexual Deviant" label, therefore, allowing themself to be considered,...*normal*.

(JMHO),...but it's mine,...and I own it.

 

[cellis]

How do we define experience in the context of BDSM? What are the criteria? I know there's no way to log a number of parters or number of hours playing and say "there, now I'm experienced". What do the words experienced and inexperienced mean to you?

Cirrus I think this it is an excellent question.

Who can define experience? I have known people who have come to this lifestyle, embraced it and in a few short months had more experience(s) than many people have in years of practice. Where on the other had I have known people who have never ventured out of their bedroom and their experience(s) is limited to what they shared behind closed doors.

I try not to get too caught up in labels because I think it can make you a little crazy.

You are what you are and you have the experience(s) you have had. I would not let anyone make me feel bad about having the experiences I have had or lack of them.

I look at this as journey... not a destination.

 

[Ebonyfire]

This is a term I've seen thrown around quite a lot lately, and it's gotten me to thinking. I'm new to BDSM, but I consider myself moderately experienced. I know my sexual identity, wants, needs and limits. I know what I am looking for in my current Dom and any in the future. I'm well versed in terms and practices, objects and methods of using them. I know the importance of SSC, communication, and how to to go about both.

Still, I know I lack experience simply for the fact that I haven't "officially" been in the lifestyle for long. I know there are experiences that I have not yet had, some I can predict, others will take my by surpise. I don't know how I will react when these situations come up, but I know that I have a lot left to learn from them.

I think we would all agree that someone who's been with one partner for maybe a few months (and I'm not singling anyone out, this is a hypothetical person) and only experimented with light bondage a few times might have an interest in BDSM, they are not experienced.

Still, is someone who's been in the lifestyle for years necessarily experienced if they've never grown and developed in their identity? Who isn't open to new things, or doesn't play safely?

How do we define experience in the context of BDSM? What are the criteria? I know there's no way to log a number of parters or number of hours playing and say "there, now I'm experienced". What do the words experienced and inexperienced mean to you?

To me it is all relative. No matter how much experience you have, someone will have more.

And no one can know everything, so sometimes experience is not all that important. It is what you do with the knowledge you have, and your willingness to learn from others that makes you really "experienced".

I do not see the point in beating people over the head with the "I am experienced" hammer. It smacks of unsecurity in my book.

Ebony

 

[WriterDom]

If you golf you're a golfer. There is a huge gap between a low handicap and a high handicap golfer, but you could call both experienced.

 

[serijules]

This is a term I've seen thrown around quite a lot lately, and it's gotten me to thinking. I'm new to BDSM, but I consider myself moderately experienced. I know my sexual identity, wants, needs and limits. I know what I am looking for in my current Dom and any in the future. I'm well versed in terms and practices, objects and methods of using them. I know the importance of SSC, communication, and how to to go about both.

What do the words experienced and inexperienced mean to you?

Personally, I think the above paragraph is a wonderful definition of 'experienced' and is probably the stage I would put myself at. I have only been actively exploring BDSM as a lifestyle a few years, but in those few years I've played with many people, tried many new things, learned from many mistakes, and helped many others learn from those same mistakes. My sexual identity is constantly adapting and changing and growing, as are my wants and needs and limits.

To be experienced, I think someone needs to have working 'knowledge' of both the emotional and physical aspects of the lifestyle and a continued desire to grow and learn. I don't feel the actual number of hours or playpartners or skills one has is a good base for determining experience....every person learns and retains information at a different rate than the next. For some it might take years to define their emotional needs, limits, skills, desires, etc...whereas the next person might acomplish that in a matter of months. So experience to me is determined by the person's overall attitude in regards to safety, skills, feelings, etc, as based on actual physical and emotional experience and not assumptions, no matter how little or how much that experience is compared to the next person.

I do agree that those that have never explored BDSM skin to skin would be inexperienced, even though my own beliefs are that cyber relationships do hold a lot of value and a lot of potential as introductions to the 'live' BDSM lifestyle. However, without actually ever physically having FELT spanking or bondage or what not, it really is only a fantasy. Once someone is physically bound down to a bed having their nipples clamped or cock flogged or bottom spanked, the fantasy might end up being nothing like they thought. That is something no one can know for sure until they try it, in person. Cyber relationships can give one plenty of emotional BDSM experience and shouldn't be entirely underestimated IMO, but obviously lack the physical experience. So this, I would classify as inexperienced no matter how good of a grasp they have on the emotional aspects.

I would also classify anyone that ASSUMES, as inexperienced. A Dom with 20 years of experience that just picks up a cane and starts caning someone with no knowledge whatsoever of that implement, thus putting the bottom in danger...is inexperienced no matter how good they are at every other aspect of BDSM. Constantly educating oneself on anything new is a vital part of experience. A sub of 10 years that assumes that they can handle being bound and suspended for hours despite certain health issues, completely ignores the fact that they really have no idea how their body will respond, and doesn't communicate these concerns or lack of experience in bondage to their play partner, is inexperienced. Being able to identify your own limits and a willingness to learn what you do not actually know is a criteria for experience for me.

I could go on and on, but that about sums it up for how I view experienced vs inexperienced.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: How do you when you're "experienced"?

To be experienced, I think someone needs to have working 'knowledge' of both the emotional and physical aspects of the lifestyle and a continued desire to grow and learn. I don't feel the actual number of hours or playpartners or skills one has is a good base for determining experience....every person learns and retains information at a different rate than the next. For some it might take years to define their emotional needs, limits, skills, desires, etc...whereas the next person might acomplish that in a matter of months. So experience to me is determined by the person's overall attitude in regards to safety, skills, feelings, etc, as based on actual physical and emotional experience and not assumptions, no matter how little or how much that experience is compared to the next person.

You have most eloquently made my point much better than I could. I am a lazy typist.

Ebony

 

[A Desert Rose]

If you golf you're a golfer. There is a huge gap between a low handicap and a high handicap golfer, but you could call both experienced.

Now here is a post I can relate to.
Rose

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: How do you when you're "experienced"?

To me it is all relative. No matter how much experience you have, someone will have more.

I do not see the point in beating people over the head with the "I am experienced" hammer. It smacks of unsecurity in my book.

Ebony

Indeed, Eb. I felt and still do at times, very much a naive person at this forum. But that's ok. I am not here to win friends or impress anyone. There is a lot I don't know and cannot speak to. However, every post I read gives me pause to think and I learn from most things I read here.

Rose

 

[zipman]

I think "experienced" is a relative term. I agree a great deal of serijules definition above. The only thing I would add is that I think it goes beyond having a "working knowledge" of both the emotional and physical aspects of BDSM. I think to be considered "experienced" you have to take responsibility for both the physical and emotional aspects. Understanding the impact that certain decisions may have.

 

[serijules]

The only thing I would add is that I think it goes beyond having a "working knowledge" of both the emotional and physical aspects of BDSM. I think to be considered "experienced" you have to take responsibility for both the physical and emotional aspects. Understanding the impact that certain decisions may have.

zipman, excellent point, I agree with you there, thank you for mentioning that. Responsiblity for decisions and actions is something that both subs and doms need to understand. I see way too many of both roles that are too quick to blame another when something goes wrong without considering or living up to their own responsibility in the process. So taking responsibility is definatly an additional sign of experience.

 

["angel" eve]

i consider myself as having "some experience"

i think Ebonyfire made my point when she said there will always be someone with more experience than you we haven't all been involved in the scene for the past 30 years, and still i have to agree, that the 30 years could leave a person almost completely w/o experience if all they had ever done was repeat one scene over and over.

experience is dependant on what you learn, read, discuss, who you interact with, what you feel, what you attempt.

there is of course, the diferentiation of what experience one has. there are those who are extremely experience with bondage, but complete novices when it comes to anything else related to BDSM, or knowledgeable about bloodplay but completely inexperienced. watching a scene, speaking with others about it, reading, and attending a discussion group on it provides one with alot of knowledge and no realtime experience... would i feel comfortable taking advice from this person, yes, but they wouldn't be the ONLY person i asked for advice from.

even those people who are very much respected here, their names lend credibility to a certain practice... they've tried so much, been in the scene for years... there are things they are not experienced with.

i have realtime experience with BDSM. i have experience with some things. there are things i feel comfortable giving advice about, or at least giving my opinion, but i would never suggest i should be the only person consulted. one person cannot have enough experience at anything to be someone's one and only teacher.

---
on another note, one could always go by how many posts someone has made on this board. heck, you can ask 50 questions and you're really experienced. you can be in the scene every weekend learning and practicing a variety of BDSM related practices and have only posted here once... but it could be a measure of how "experiended" someone is.

i mention this, to point out how ridiculous it is to try to say how "experienced" we are. why don't we say, i've tried bondage, i like playing with ice, and spankings with a bare hand are enjoyable, about anything else i cannot speak with certainty because i do not know yet. for an example - it might work... in some cases.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Taking responsibility

I think "experienced" is a relative term. I agree a great deal of serijules definition above. The only thing I would add is that I think it goes beyond having a "working knowledge" of both the emotional and physical aspects of BDSM. I think to be considered "experienced" you have to take responsibility for both the physical and emotional aspects. Understanding the impact that certain decisions may have.

Hell yes, zipman!


Eb

 

[MsWorthy]

I speak from my own pov, obviously, but whether someone is experienced in bdsm or not is something I have thought about for a while now.

Experience, to me, means knowing what is likely to happen, or what a reaction may be, and knowing how to handle it when it occurs. Of course, none of us can know what everyone will do/feel/say about everything, but having gone through many stages/changes in a bdsm relationship, one who is experienced will have some idea about the progression of the relationship and will be prepared to handle the issues that are, in my opinion, inevitable.

It's sort of like the difference between being married 2 months and being married 2 years. At two months you can certainly call yourself a married person but you don't have much experience being married and have many experiences ahead of you that, perhaps, you don't know to expect or know how you will react when they hit.

To me, saying you have experience as a submissive/bottom because you have been spanked/tied up during sex a few times and saying you are a lifestyler because you are used to and comfortable with having someone else take responsibility for decision-making - demonstrates inexperience.

And, if you held her hands above her head during sex when you were fifteen and spent your 20s in a marriage where you were bossy and demanding, then discovered bdsm online and proceeded to state that you have 20 years experience as a dom/me, you are fooling yourself.

In my opinion, experience means, You have been there; you have done it more than twice for longer than 30 minutes." It means you know what is likely to happen before, during, and after. It means that you have some idea of how she is likely to feel emotionally/physically the next morning. It means that you understand the progression and know what to look for at each stage. It means that you know when fear, insecurity, and guilt are likely to show up and you know how to handle it when it does. It means that you know what stage in your journey the two of you are in and you know what is likely to come next, based on her (and your own) reactions to what has gone on before.

Experience means that you understand that there are cycles that all relationships go through and you know (not just read or heard) that d/s is no different. You know that, more than likely, doubt about the lifestyle will come up at some point, and having been through it, you know what your arguments (pro and con) will be for continuing to push the envelope. You can identify the signs that indicate that your power exchange needs re-negotiation. You know when to cut yourself some slack from the self-imposed pressure and when to back off and let her digest new experiences/feelings. You are aware of how much you actually need bdsm in your life, what you can live without, and in what areas you can compromise, because you have actually done these things and know, first hand, what it feels like when you live with and without them. You notice and understand the signs that tell you whether she needs it too or is just doing it to satisfy/please you.

I have no interest in invalidating anyone's experiences, but these things cannot be learned in an online relationship, nor can they be learned in 6 months in real life. If most relationships have a one - two year honeymoon stage, during which time perceptions are colored by wishes and opinions are just forming, how can we expect anything less in a bdsm relationship?

In my opinion, experience is determined by time (however long that is for each individual, actually living it rather than thinking or talking about it), investment (how much of oneself is invested in the time spent) and focus (you know where you want to go, have a plan to get there, and know how close you are to reaching it).

~Inexperience is not a bad thing. You don't expect yourself to spring forth from the womb knowing how to drive a car, read a book, or make love, why would you expect yourself to spring forth knowing how to have a successful bdsm relationship before you have had any experience? Enjoy the journey, because often, the goal will never be realised.~

 

[lark sparrow]

Anyone?

 

[Quint]

I used to be sure that I was. I talked the talk, bought the toys, didn't wear the tee-shirt but that's just because they only had XXXL in stock. I had a partner with whom I practiced kinky sex on a fairly regular basis. I posted all about it.

I had no clue.

Three months ago, I had no clue. Yesterday, I had no clue. Do I have a clue now? I have no clue!

What I do know is that I'm doing a pretty damned good job of learning. I have cut through much bullshit in my own pre(mis)conceptions and I have solidified some needs---not just fun things I like to have done to me, but needs.

To me, focusing on the question "am I experienced or not?" is much like "am I there yet?" without seeing what's along the way, or where "there" is. I am me, most of the time. That's enough of a label for this one. o)

 

[lark sparrow]

I agree, but I think it's a question people often ask themselves and may sometimes allow to hamper their discovery and participation in the process. So, might as well get it it out in the open and discussed. The longest journey begins with a single step, and all that.

 

[Quint]

Right behind you. It is a good introspective question.

 

[BlondGirl]

What would it take fr you to define a surgeon as experienced? It certainly wouldn't be reading a lot or talking to lots of people. It would be actually doing surgeries. It would be doing a variety of surgeries and dealing with a variety of situations including the unexpected and possibly downright disasterous and unexpected while still keeping your shit together and pulling through with no harm done.

I have been certified in CPR for years. I have taken the class every two years as required by law for people like me. I know what to do. I have discussed it with others. I have watched it being performed many, many times. I understand the basics. I have practiced it. But I have never yet used my hands to pump a chest that contains an unbeating heart. I am not experienced.

To me, experienced means that you have "been there" more than once. That you can deal with the unexpected and are prepared. (Honestly, who here really keeps safety equipment in their toybags? Wait, I'll start another thread for that one.) Experienced means you are not playing little silly "I/i, You/you, We/we" show off games in your written communications. Showing off is unnecessary and is just an effort to prove something. Experienced means you are not shockedor sickened when you watch the reactions of a couple in an active scene. Basicly, experienced means that you know what the hell you are doing and can handle it, physically, mentally, and emotionally and that what you do are things that your partner(s) can handle physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Off to start that other thread now....

 

[Netzach]

There will always be someone more experienced, as Eb said.

Part of how I define experience in the scene is relative to what you are *trying* to do or be.

It makes little sense to compare me to a prodomme billing herself as a bondage expert to a leatherguy who is not into painplay but likes being told what to do sexually by his Top.

We are all after a different set of experiences. I may have much more knowledge about flogging than either of those imaginary people, but the ProDomme may never have had a scene with a lover or close friend, and the male bottom may have been doing his thing for 20 years as opposed to my six.

That's where knowing yourself and knowing what you want and where you want to go are the key things at any given time, and why none of us are ever done learning.