How do you overcome the 'fear'?

[ShyVixen]

This is a question to all the subs, yet I'm sure some Doms have some very valuable advice also.

How do you overcome the 'fear' of submitting to another? Some of you may not have experienced that fear at all.

I always believed that submission for me personally would just be a sexual submission. More recently I've been discovering that I have an inherent need to experience submission in other parts of my life, I have a desire to be nurtured and a desire to please outside of the bedroom. With that realization comes the fear. Fear of loss of control, fear of loss of self worth, of loss of independence.

How did you let go, or overcome those fears?

 

[myinnerslut]

sometimes i dont feel the fear at all, but more often its hiding in the back of my mind. like you, this happens mostly with outside of the bedroom things. .

 

[subkitty72]

Fear Factor

This is a question to all the subs, yet I'm sure some Doms have some very valuable advice also.

How do you overcome the 'fear' of submitting to another? Some of you may not have experienced that fear at all.

I always believed that submission for me personally would just be a sexual submission. More recently I've been discovering that I have an inherent need to experience submission in other parts of my life, I have a desire to be nurtured and a desire to please outside of the bedroom. With that realization comes the fear. Fear of loss of control, fear of loss of self worth, of loss of independence.

How did you let go, or overcome those fears?

Oh, shy! I've never seen my fear, need, desire better articulated. Thank you for this timely post.

I await the good advice and insight to follow. gratefully, -kitty

 

[ShyVixen]

Thank you, mis for sharing. And Kitty, you are most welcome. I'm determined to let go of the fears, and the years of conditioning.

 

[marieR19]

I, too, deal with that "fear".... and the best thing I have in way of advice or whatever is that I just keep my mind on pleasing my Mistress. Sometimes I feel scared/uncertain to do certain things, yes, but I remind myself that I want to please her and that it will make me happy to do that. (at least, that's what I did when I had a Mistress)


Heather

 

[ecstaticsub]

This is a question to all the subs, yet I'm sure some Doms have some very valuable advice also.

How do you overcome the 'fear' of submitting to another? Some of you may not have experienced that fear at all.

I always believed that submission for me personally would just be a sexual submission. More recently I've been discovering that I have an inherent need to experience submission in other parts of my life, I have a desire to be nurtured and a desire to please outside of the bedroom. With that realization comes the fear. Fear of loss of control, fear of loss of self worth, of loss of independence.

How did you let go, or overcome those fears?

For me...I overcame the fear because I know I can always walk away and put an end to it. I am very secure in who I am, what I want, where I see myself in the future. There is no loss of self-worth,rather an increase. He values me and cherishes me. it may be sort of cliche but really bondage and submission has set a part of me free. Free to be who I really am, free to be as sexual as I want to be, free to be indulge in my fantasies.

And if you feel that the loss of control is freaking you out too much just say no and walk away.

JMHO

 

[Netzach]

the specificity of person is the issue for me. If I think about those things in relation to "A Domme" or "A guy" it's a non-starter. It's not going to happen. When I think of doing whatever I can to maximize my Bull's pleasure and I think about letting *him* do things to me, there's not a remote flicker of concern. Excitement yes, but I don't feel like I'm losing anything at all, I don't feel like he sees any less in me and I like who I am submissive to *him.*

I've known the man almost a decade, I don't think he's going to spring any really yucky things on me out of left field because he's known me as long. He knows what I need to feel safe to let guard down, or want to try and see what else I can do and be. It's reassuring to me that he's in it for me, and stretching his notion of what he might like and just as neophyte all over again and finding things in his sexuality that he's never picked up and used before either. Lastly, because he's malleable and switchable, it's not about "ooo look, I got Domme on a leash! Duhhh!" which is totally stupid. It's not even humiliating to me, it's just lame to the point where my respect would fly completely. That *is* one of my fears and a hurdle to trying anything. It takes a particular kind of person to handle that, and it's best handled by treating it as a non-issue. I can smell issues around that like blood in water.

That said I have less to be afraid of than most M/s type heavy people. He's not angling to control much of my life and we're pretty much in the stage of asking each other questions about what we enjoy and incorporating that. I don't think it may ever get more complex than that. I don't have ways I "have to" address him, I don't have things I "have to" do - other than invent and repeat the things he likes, sexual and otherwise. If I'm disappointing I know it fairly quickly and I try to adjust, and tell him what I think would help me adjust if there's anything I need from him.

It's pretty freaking dull and vanilla to most people, but this *is* my edgeplay, believe it or not.

 

[Softouch911]

My girl says she has to ignore/conquer/handle the fear a thousand times each day. She still gets it wrong and tries to "manage" things for herself.

I suppose it would be nice if life were like a story castle and I could keep her locked away 24/7 w/ nothing to do but submit.

But she has lots of areas of her life -- parenting a teen, winning a new management position, impressing people who judge her professionally -- where she is quite the opposite of submissive.

Submission is a noun; submissive is an adjective; Submit is a verb ... an action. And every time you don't do it, you have to start over.

It's the same for me, except without the "fear" part.

Hope this helps.
ST

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I think the biggest fear I had when submitting to Master outside the bedroom was 'what if I decide I don't really want this after all? How will we get our balance back if I end up unhappy? What if he really loves the new dynamic? Can I really take it away from him in that case?'

As it is I found that being a 24/7 submissive is fulfilling for me in a way that none of my life roles have ever been before. It makes me complete as a person and as his complementing partner. I even wrote a contract ahead of our moving in together next week, giving him complete ownership of me. I still have my safeword and we still discuss daily issues much as a nilla couple would do, although naturally he gets final say on things. I think that our communication is by necessity better than any other relationship I've had. Master understands that it's his responsibility to get my views on things and allow my voice to be heard. I understand that I have willingly ceded any claim to decision making and I support Master in his choices wholeheartedly even if I don't agree with him 100% of the time.

Like ecstaticsub, I know that if I really want to I can renegotiate my contract or even leave Master. I know that if he ever became abusive either psychologically or physically our contract would be null and void. It doesn't put me in a position of weakness because there is always the option to retake my power either permanently by leaving or until problems are resolved enough that I trust him again. I can't see any of this happening but forever is a long time and I've been forced to consider these things recently - moving house nerves.

For us, it works and once you discover in practice that it does and that you are not allowing yourself to be disregarded or oppressed the euphoria of knowing you made the right choice is indescribable.

'Course you'll never find anyone quite as wonderful as my Master. You need to know and trust someone deeply before you attempt this dynamic.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

 

[ShyVixen]

My immense gratitude to everyone who has replied to this thread.

It's pretty freaking dull and vanilla to most people, but these *is* my edgeplay, believe it or not.

Vanilla or not, I found it interesting to read that there is no set pattern for the dynamic. So thank you for sharing.

He values me and cherishes me.

I suppose the key is to find a Dom who would value and cherish. You hear so many scare stories about Doms.

But she has lots of areas of her life -- parenting a teen, winning a new management position, impressing people who judge her professionally -- where she is quite the opposite of submissive.

Submission is a noun; submissive is an adjective; Submit is a verb ... an action. And every time you don't do it, you have to start over.

That is where I struggle, in most areas I am the opposite of submissive. It's a matter of balancing those areas and the desire the submit.

Velvet, you are an inspiration, thank you

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Velvet, you are an inspiration, thank you

Aw now you've gone and made me blush

Glad to share my experiences if they help at all.

 

[BiBunny]

I'm sort of with Netz in that I don't really have the kind of relationship which inspires fear. Can he be intimidating? Yes. Am I afraid of him or the things his mind might come up with? No. Like I tell him, "I wrestle 1,000+ pound horses on a regular basis. I don't have anything to be afraid of from people." We're on fairly equal ground as far as our likes and dislikes, and he can read me well enough to know when something's wrong.

The only thing I'm really "afraid" of is revealing too much of myself to him. Submission in the physical and psychological forms aren't really that big a deal to me. I get squicky fast on the emotional end. He knows I love him and would do most anything for him, but I prefer to at least maintain the illusion that I'm not totally transparent to him. He doesn't push me in this respect, thank God.

 

[the captians wench]

When I first ventured into this world I was on the verge of leaving a marrage that was turning abusive. I was a good biblical wife to him, just as my mommy taught me to be. I served him in every way imaginable in a vanilla flair. So the idea of going back there, and even beyond that to have some one in charge of every little thing I did, some one above me in every since, it scared the shit out of me.

I told people I was submissive natured, but that I wasn't a sub, I would never be a sub. I would never give myself that fully to a man again. Then came Jounar. He made me feel safe, he made me feel like he really had my best interests at heart. I found that I wanted to please him all the time, and that desire to make him happy out weighed any fear that I had.

Every bump in the road makes the next turn a little more scarry to take, some times you just have to keep driving to see what's behind the bend.

If I didn't take the chances that I have, then I wouldn't have learned some of the things I know about myself. Do I get burned? Of course, and pretty fucking badly some times, but then I know what's too far for me and what to look for next time.

 

[northwoods_sub]

The "fear" for me was letting myself go emotionally. I can submit in the bedroom in a sexual relationship no problem, I can let him paddle my ass purple, no problem, but when it came to really letting him see the deepest darkest part of my soul I got scared.
I am still scared, but I trust that he has my best interests at heart and I have let go of my fear of losing control a little more each day. I have always held my emotional wellbeing very close, building walls to protect myself from being hurt. Submitting to D requires my opening up to him with my feelings and my fears. I have told him where I struggle with this and he has been patient with me as I work through this. I hope that someday I will just feel at peace with trusting him in that way.

As He tells me when I get scared, "breathe T, just breathe."

Hope this has helped some.

 

[ltnsfr007]

PSST- what fear SV

 

[intothewoods]

Had an experience with this recently. Part of my brain went "go there" and then I completely freaked. Had to stop the scene.

I'm drawn to D/s, but I'm also afraid of it.

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

For me... I am very secure in who I am, what I want, where I see myself in the future. There is no loss of self-worth,rather an increase. He values me and cherishes me. it may be sort of cliche but really bondage and submission has set a part of me free. Free to be who I really am, free to be as sexual as I want to be, free to be indulge in my fantasies.

And if you feel that the loss of control is freaking you out too much just say no and walk away.

JMHO

I could not have said this any better myself. However, I can't say that I've really experienced fear in submitting to my Dom or in being a submissive. My Dom makes me feel very comfortable in who I am and is supportive and nurturing towards me which keeps me from experiencing the fear.

I will say that I had a particularly humiliating experience last week that made me question my ability to be a strong sub, but I was able to talk about the experience with my Dom. He assured me how proud he was of me and that, besides being able to talk to him, helped me get through the situation.

This type of relationship is what keeps me from experiencing the fear in submitting. I trust my Dom with every fiber of me being, give him total control, and have complete faith in that I have no reason to fear anything in being a submissive to him.

 

[HB1965]

What you describe...

is what I'm going through right now. Up until recently the submission has been sexual all the way. I also have never invited a man into my life in any other way. Now I'm faced with having fallen in love with him and the natural urge is to want to submit to him totally. This really freaks me out because I've been the one in control of myself for so long. I want to give to this guy everything. It's just a very difficult proposition. I'm finding the answers here interesting.

 

[Homburg]

Dealing with fear now with "w". Lots of issues there, lots of challenges. I don't know that it will work either. It'll cut my heart right out if it fails, but I accept that I may just not be a good choice for her.

She trusts me. Trusts me more than any man she has ever known. But she fears being unable to handle to totality of a relationship with me given the situation. She fears the jealousy, fears the drama, she fears the depression, and it all stems from the fact that I am married, and thus I won't be hers alone.

How is that fear dealt with? She deals with it by seeking solitude and her own counsel. I deal with it by worrying myself sick =P

My wife deals with it best of all. She accepts it. She overcame her fears, largely when she realised that I really wasn't going to leave her, and that I really wasn't going to stop loving her, and that she really is a permanent fixture in my life, that I couldn't live without her, period. It was rough getting to that point though.

I wish I could tell you how submissives get over the fear. If I knew, I could help "w". As a Dominant, I can only understand it in an abstract fashion. I can't conceive of actually submitting to anyone. Heh, it's so bad that I left the SCA partially because I couldn't stand the idea of kneeling in front of anyone, even for play reasons.

Personally, the act of submission is the single most amazing part of a D/s relationship in my eyes. The sheer courage that it takes to trust someone that implicitly is mind-blowing to me. It causes me to pause and consider what I do, and why I do it. I cannot take my role as Dominant lightly because the decision to submit is so incredibly serious.

The flip side of that is also true. It is very serious to us as well. I have had submission retracted shortly after it was offered, and after very long and involved work to earn that submission and a deep level of emotional commitment on my part. It was completely shattering to me emotionally, especially as I did literally nothing to cause it to be retracted. It was outside events that scared her out of being comfortable with the relationship.

While submission should never be asked for lightly, nor should it be offered without careful consideration of the consequences.

 

[Netzach]

Dealing with fear now with "w". Lots of issues there, lots of challenges. I don't know that it will work either. It'll cut my heart right out if it fails, but I accept that I may just not be a good choice for her.

She trusts me. Trusts me more than any man she has ever known. But she fears being unable to handle to totality of a relationship with me given the situation. She fears the jealousy, fears the drama, she fears the depression, and it all stems from the fact that I am married, and thus I won't be hers alone.

How is that fear dealt with? She deals with it by seeking solitude and her own counsel. I deal with it by worrying myself sick =P

My wife deals with it best of all. She accepts it. She overcame her fears, largely when she realised that I really wasn't going to leave her, and that I really wasn't going to stop loving her, and that she really is a permanent fixture in my life, that I couldn't live without her, period. It was rough getting to that point though.

I wish I could tell you how submissives get over the fear. If I knew, I could help "w". As a Dominant, I can only understand it in an abstract fashion. I can't conceive of actually submitting to anyone. Heh, it's so bad that I left the SCA partially because I couldn't stand the idea of kneeling in front of anyone, even for play reasons.

Personally, the act of submission is the single most amazing part of a D/s relationship in my eyes. The sheer courage that it takes to trust someone that implicitly is mind-blowing to me. It causes me to pause and consider what I do, and why I do it. I cannot take my role as Dominant lightly because the decision to submit is so incredibly serious.

The flip side of that is also true. It is very serious to us as well. I have had submission retracted shortly after it was offered, and after very long and involved work to earn that submission and a deep level of emotional commitment on my part. It was completely shattering to me emotionally, especially as I did literally nothing to cause it to be retracted. It was outside events that scared her out of being comfortable with the relationship.

While submission should never be asked for lightly, nor should it be offered without careful consideration of the consequences.

The only thing that made my relationship with my lover for whom I'm not a totality is the fact that that relationship is not MY totality. It's important, but it runs parallel to other relationships of import. He had the foresight to be able to encourage me to find a relationship which would be my priimary focus as he has his. Sometimes I think I just lucked the hell out a lot, and sometimes I think my relationships fit, puzzle-like, because I had a very clear vision of how that would work before I found the pieces. I do know that I've reached a point in my life where I can say that I can give him the totality of my submission (it's a very small thing as it is, a very rare and tucked away thing that doesn't come to light as it is) and that doesn't mean he has the totality of my attention, my love or my time to the exclusion of other people, which allowed me to meet my husband and be starstruck and idiotic and in love and not close myself off to that because I felt "taken."

 

[His_pita]

Trust and communication are vital keys to helping with the fear of submitting. It also comes down to how bad do you want it. I want it bad enough that I'm willing to face the fear, and I trust him enough to catch me if I fall.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I guess for me there are a number of reasons why I don't feel the fear as such in terms of submission. Part of it is because it is the complete opposite to how I have lived my life for more than 30 years, not so much out of desire to, but out of necessity. That leads to another reason, that being I know what it is like to be the one in control, the one on who everyone/everything depends and radiates around, to hold all the responsibility with nowhere else to turn, and that is a while lot scarier than giving up that role. I know who I am, what I want and need, and what can happen in worst case scenarios and how to negotiate my way through anything, even the unexpected.

Having had that life experience along with facing and succeeding at some challenges others attempted and failed at has taught me that above all else I am a survivor and if need be can and will adapt to survive. I don't feel I need submission to nurture me, though that element is in our relationship from time to time...it is more a luxury or reward than a need. I also do not need someone to direct me and my life so I am not dependednt on the submission to fulfil those needs...that takes a whole lot of pressure of it, but at the same time has added other pressures. Would I have been as well equipped to manage and accept this prior to my mid 30's? Probably not because I would not have had the time to test myself and be tested in terms of life, so I imagine I might have managed to survive it and do OK, but it would not have been with the strength and security I can now.

Catalina

 

[intothewoods]

I hope when the dust settles in my life, I'll be able to see things more clearly. Right now, I'm struck by how drawn I am to the power exchange dynamic. I don't think it's as simple as - if it freaks you out, walk away. For me, I need to figure out where the balance lies.

 

[ShyVixen]

Thank you to everyone who has replied It's interesting reding everyones thoughts and experiences.

I don't have physical fear, I have the emotional fear. I'm learning that the first step in overcoming is recognizing that fear.

But she fears being unable to handle to totality of a relationship with me given the situation. She fears the jealousy, fears the drama, she fears the depression...

These are my fears also.

 

[Brandii]

I've found a local dom who I would love to submit to ( he is taking his time with me though) but the fear of submission is now palpable, because its gone from pretend and envisionary to a real life occurance. If he calls me: I'm there. I'm his.
I don't actually know how I'll react when we are alone and a session begins, but I trust him and that's a start.