How do you mend a broken heart?

[RacyWilde]

*
Seriously, how do you mend a broken heart?

I'm finding that relationships online can feel just as real as in real life... and that heart break can be just as deep. Though, online relationships do have a sense of tragedy about them... there is no security - even the most intimate and committed relationships can vanish without accountability.

How do you do it? How do you keep going? Keep opening yourself up for more experiences?

I'm sure this topic has come up numerous times on here, but this time I need it for me.

 

[vibes]

In my experience it's just like in real life: it just takes time to heal and, to some subjective extent, we all learn from past experiences.

I am sorry that you're hurt

 

[RacyWilde]

In my experience it's just like in real life: it just takes time to heal and, to some subjective extent, we all learn from past experiences.

I am sorry that you're hurt

Thank you

 

[RacyWilde]

*

I have also had some lovely PMs with some tender words, understanding and great advice. Thank you so much. I hope these things will find their way to this thread so all can benefit.

 

[hotoldrguy]

*
Seriously, how do you mend a broken heart?

I'm finding that relationships online can feel just as real as in real life... and that heart break can be just as deep. Though, online relationships do have a sense of tragedy about them... there is no security - even the most intimate and committed relationships can vanish without accountability.

How do you do it? How do you keep going? Keep opening yourself up for more experiences?

I'm sure this topic has come up numerous times on here, but this time I need it for me.

I agree that online relationships can be as real emotionally as real life. People that have never experienced this kind of relationship think the whole thing is silly but it is not. A breakup here can be more devastating because people can just "disappear" most of us do not know who they are in real life. Or know if they just abandoned us or something happened to them in real life. There is no way to reconnect to at least get some closure. So I think it may actually be more difficult to heal. But if the relationship was good for you at least you can remember the good times and try to move on.

 

[tnman03]

Time and distance are your best solutions for healing and a critical self assessment of how you arrived at this point is very cathartic. I have mixed feelings on online flirtations and separation of infatuations and reality so will only recommend you read about the concept of being in love with being in love. Here's an example of one aspect, it's insightful...

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...ow-tell-if-you-re-love-addict-what-you-can-do

Best regards and good luck

 

[suckonsimon]

Hey darling, you're lovely.
I mean that sincerely.
Please say to yourself, 'I am a beautiful human being'. Yes, we flourish in relationship. But we - you - have an internal unique preciousness which is a lasting and wonderful thing and it has the capacity to regroup and begin again.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Answering this question tends to be personal - when it comes to mending a broken heart I don't think there is a one size fits all. Having been around the horn a few times in this life I can tell you what has worked for me and maybe there is something in there that will help you.

First, those who say "time" are right to a degree - depending on the relationship, on the depth and the intensity of it, the passage of time gives us the opportunity to heal or recover. Personally, I've learned to give myself a period of mourning to let myself bounce back. On top of that I have learned to be wary of rebounding into another relationship because, generally, my choices have been bad when I made them while still mourning a lost relationship.

Second, I've found that, as far as online relationships are concerned, learning from the relationship that failed is vital to the healing part. Once I am through the emotional storm I turn a cold eye to it and figure out what went awry and what were the warning signs. One of the most important things I've learned is not to emotionally invest to much in a relationship that doesn't cross from the internet into my real life and not to invest in a relationship that isn't reciprocal.

Then, finally, because it is more about my life philosophy, I get up, shake myself off and keep going. I've met some great people in online encounters and the relationships that grew out of them and I focus on those that were successful. The risk to reward ratio for me at least has been well worth it. Yes, I've mysteriously lost some people I cared deeply for - that they were able and willing to just disappear speaks to their character not mine.

But, I won't lie either - I ghosted one online relationship when it got out of control and was turning into stalking level behavior and wild mood swings. Normally, I don't ghost, but I had no choice in that circumstances (at least as I perceived it), so I just simply stopped responding. For me, it was the healthy thing to do in terms of the dynamic of that relationship.

Best of luck as you heal and remember - no risk, no reward - and the greatest rewards often require the greatest of risks. I tell people that if you're looking for that 1 in 100 person - well, you have to accept you might have to go through 99 to get there.

 

[RacyWilde]

I agree that online relationships can be as real emotionally as real life. People that have never experienced this kind of relationship think the whole thing is silly but it is not. A breakup here can be more devastating because people can just "disappear" most of us do not know who they are in real life. Or know if they just abandoned us or something happened to them in real life. There is no way to reconnect to at least get some closure. So I think it may actually be more difficult to heal. But if the relationship was good for you at least you can remember the good times and try to move on.

I'm lucky, I have closure. We did things right, the best way, the good way. They hard thing is... we didn't want it to end, we wanted to stay together, but we had to do the honourable thing no matter our hearts. It kills me to give up something so amazing when it wasn't our choice... not our first choice anyway.

Thank you.

Time and distance are your best solutions for healing and a critical self assessment of how you arrived at this point is very cathartic. I have mixed feelings on online flirtations and separation of infatuations and reality so will only recommend you read about the concept of being in love with being in love. Here's an example of one aspect, it's insightful...

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...ow-tell-if-you-re-love-addict-what-you-can-do

Best regards and good luck

Time... a dear friend of mine has always told me "two weeks". "Two weeks" and most of the hurt will be gone. He was dead right when someone close to me ended us without explanation. Not knowing why he ended it was agonising but by two weeks I had moved on, though only because I had a few friends to lean on, and other guys to take about me angst. It's always funny, when I lose someone, somehow my I find another ten to get over them...lol. I've learn it is never good to have one - throwing all your eggs in one basket, so to speak.

Thank you

Hey darling, you're lovely.
I mean that sincerely.
Please say to yourself, 'I am a beautiful human being'. Yes, we flourish in relationship. But we - you - have an internal unique preciousness which is a lasting and wonderful thing and it has the capacity to regroup and begin again.

Thank you.

The problem is, I know I was highly valued and appreciated. It didn't end badly, it just ended tragically. You know those endings when it's not needed or wanted but you do it anyway because it is the honourable thing to do for each other..? It just makes me want him and us that much more. I was my best self with him, all the way to the very end. I have never felt so peaceful and good about myself in ending a relationship before... it was so tragically perfect... and yet the loss is devastating.

Begin again? The thought crushes me. I know I will move on, it's inevitable, but it's that very though that saddens me. You see, I love the feelings I have for him... My sadness is not because of him, but the situation... In fact, ending it the way we did only makes me feel more for him - yikes!

But thank you. I understand your meaning, I really do, and I appreciate it.

 

[RacyWilde]

Answering this question tends to be personal - when it comes to mending a broken heart I don't think there is a one size fits all. Having been around the horn a few times in this life I can tell you what has worked for me and maybe there is something in there that will help you.

First, those who say "time" are right to a degree - depending on the relationship, on the depth and the intensity of it, the passage of time gives us the opportunity to heal or recover. Personally, I've learned to give myself a period of mourning to let myself bounce back. On top of that I have learned to be wary of rebounding into another relationship because, generally, my choices have been bad when I made them while still mourning a lost relationship.

From one of my first relationships that was really intense, I learnt the value of having a good handful of strong relationships with others at the same time. I'm not monogamous so it's easy for me to do. I value each one whole heartedly. Those relationships helped me greatly to recover - actually the quickest I ever have in my life. So, for me, I will never have only one relationship at a time.

Second, I've found that, as far as online relationships are concerned, learning from the relationship that failed is vital to the healing part. Once I am through the emotional storm I turn a cold eye to it and figure out what went awry and what were the warning signs. One of the most important things I've learned is not to emotionally invest to much in a relationship that doesn't cross from the internet into my real life and not to invest in a relationship that isn't reciprocal.

Yes. I feel my relationship didn't fail though, but now I know a few more things that will make sure I choose wisely at the beginning of new relationships to avoid the tragic end of this one. Though - there is no fail-safe ever is there?

Your last point is poignant. I was investing more, way more than usual because our relationship was crossing into real life. It was a conscious effort to do so, and reciprocal.

Then, finally, because it is more about my life philosophy, I get up, shake myself off and keep going. I've met some great people in online encounters and the relationships that grew out of them and I focus on those that were successful. The risk to reward ratio for me at least has been well worth it. Yes, I've mysteriously lost some people I cared deeply for - that they were able and willing to just disappear speaks to their character not mine.

Yes, I do feel that this was successful in a lot of ways. We had a lot of respect for each other and that is what made the end so tragically perfect. I wish I felt rewarded about it - I have learnt so much from it, especially about myself - though I'm guessing the feeling of reward won't happen until the feeling of loss disappears.

But, I won't lie either - I ghosted one online relationship when it got out of control and was turning into stalking level behavior and wild mood swings. Normally, I don't ghost, but I had no choice in that circumstances (at least as I perceived it), so I just simply stopped responding. For me, it was the healthy thing to do in terms of the dynamic of that relationship.

Love makes you do crazy things. I wish I could throw a tantrum like a child and break all my no contact rules to beg to keep us...lol - but, it is more important to keep my dignity. That is what I hold onto - the honour, the integrity, the dignity we shared. I can't destroy that, it's what made us.

Best of luck as you heal and remember - no risk, no reward - and the greatest rewards often require the greatest of risks. I tell people that if you're looking for that 1 in 100 person - well, you have to accept you might have to go through 99 to get there.

Yes, he was a 1... though, as above, it is hard to know the reward from us right now when I'm hurting so much. But I guess it will come.

Thank you.

 

[coacheric]

I'm trying to mend my own also. Everyone will give you ideas and tell you this or that will work. Just know, each of us is different and each deals with the pain our own way.
For me, music is my soul and I use it to try and heal my pain. And maybe in time, it will.

 

[bill3901]

how can a loser ever win?

 

[RacyWilde]

I'm trying to mend my own also. Everyone will give you ideas and tell you this or that will work. Just know, each of us is different and each deals with the pain our own way.
For me, music is my soul and I use it to try and heal my pain. And maybe in time, it will.

I tried music but I tended to lean towards the broken heart songs and that didn't bode well for me...lol.

At the moment, I'm trying to get out of my head. I think hurting and thinking at the same time just makes things worse. I'll get done with hurting first and then I'll think it over. Occupying myself with my other contacts has helped too. Even though I don't feel like sexting, just talking about nothing has given me some relief.

how can a loser ever win?

That's I very good question. I guess it is about perspective. Hopefully after the fact you'll come out on top - stronger, smarter, a better person... I guess that is a win for most. It might not equal the sacrifice you've had to make but it will prepare you for your next amazing adventure, which just might make you a winner.

 

[ima6uldv8]

Wish that was an easy answer. Right now, my heart isn't broken but I'm very jaded because I was betrayed by someone who was supposed to love me. I don't need anyone in my life anymore. So I guess my answer is stay far away from relationships. I'm much better off without that complication.
And actually, I was speaking of real life. Sorry. For online, I would seek out someone else to distract me. I used to have so much fun here. That was taken away by my last marriage. I am the opposite of what I used to be and really resent him for that.

 

[The_Ghost_Man]

I tried music but I tended to lean towards the broken heart songs and that didn't bode well for me...lol

I could always send you some old school country music. Nothing like a bit of Johnny Cash or even Waylon Jennings for a broken heart.

Plus, you can play it backwards. That way you get your dog and your truck back too.

 

[RacyWilde]

I could always send you some old school country music. Nothing like a bit of Johnny Cash or even Waylon Jennings for a broken heart.

Plus, you can play it backwards. That way you get your dog and your truck back too.

No music... not for me. It would re-break my heart over and over again...

 

[RacyWilde]

Wish that was an easy answer. Right now, my heart isn't broken but I'm very jaded because I was betrayed by someone who was supposed to love me. I don't need anyone in my life anymore. So I guess my answer is stay far away from relationships. I'm much better off without that complication.
And actually, I was speaking of real life. Sorry. For online, I would seek out someone else to distract me. I used to have so much fun here. That was taken away by my last marriage. I am the opposite of what I used to be and really resent him for that.

I understand.

I said to him "When you start doing what other people want, even the dearest closest to you, you lose who you are and become someone you weren't meant to be. And that brings unhappiness." I don't think he understood or maybe he politely ignored me... the time I said it was very emotional. But, it is one of my life lessons: Be true to yourself, always.

I am so devastated but just the same, I am so determined not to let this sour me. I plan to have as many deep, emotional and intimate encounters in my life as I possible can. I want a different life from everyone else... a different existence - one that will enable me to enjoy being human. (I find most try to escape it.)

The only way to being happy is to love. Unless you love, your life will flash by. You will not have fulfilled your potential as a human being. The reason why love is so valuable is because of the great risk you take in having it... giving it. I took a great risk, I know I did. And even though the pain of losing it is the worst ever this time around, I must get through it. I want to love again.

I'm sorry that you have been changed and you are not happy about it... usually, the great lessons we learn in losing love compensate a little. But I believe you can always go back to the brightness of who you were. You just have to choose it.

Thank you for your thoughts. They mean a lot.

 

[EnglishChap6687]

Hi Racy,

I'm really sorry to hear you've been hurt. I don't have any advice to offer beyond the excellent advice above, from different people, but please know that I wish you well and hope that, with time, you begin to feel better about things and that you heal and grow from the experience.

 

[bodine91]

broken hearts

hats off to those of you who have shared, its nice to rally around and help others even through words.

i find hope is the only thing that kept me and keeps me going. There are pieces of my heart that will hurt forever. They will come back at the weirdest times or when something reminds me of a particular memory.

its been over a year now, since the final nail went into the most significant relationship ive had. Time has helped, hopefully a new lady will come along and help move the healing along.

but it will still be there, and should be because its part of the journey to who i am now.

 

[RacyWilde]

Hi Racy,

I'm really sorry to hear you've been hurt. I don't have any advice to offer beyond the excellent advice above, from different people, but please know that I wish you well and hope that, with time, you begin to feel better about things and that you heal and grow from the experience.

Aww, thank you

I'm going to put this here as a I don't feel like starting a new comment - but it's a general insight. I've just been thinking... (yes, I know that is very dangerous!! lol)

Everyone says "Time... time heals all wounds". But, I'm not sure that is the optimal process I should cling onto. It kind of means, 'just sit back and wait for your heart to heal'. I'm actually a doer - I can't sit back and wait for anything to happen to me. I have to be active in the process. And I know people will say 'well that's a given', but really, I think we might need to say instead, 'Time... and positive action heals all wounds faster'.

I've been really trying to find ways to heal faster. Ignoring my heartbreak doesn't help me. I need to get it out, not lock it away so I feel it every so often in my quiet times. So, this is what I've been doing to help the healing go faster:

exercise - it's great to get out that hurting aggression,

rest - more sleep wards off the tiredness I get from my body physically straining under the hurt from my heart,

good food - taking care to eat good food to keep my health up as when you are lowly in heart, the body seems to be more receptacle to illness such as colds and flu, (and this is the flu season!)

good people - thank god I have some dear Lit friends that can talk, distract and sext with me. Sex is usually a great comfort and relief for me when I lose someone, but this time my heart has been too low to get to the right emotional state for sexting. So, I'm very lucky to have friends who understand that and like just chatting about nothing to relieve me from my own mind for a little while.

Multitasking - I know this is weird but girls are known to have a great talent to do one thing while thinking/doing another. So... this is a great problem - just simply occupying myself with activity won't get me to stop pining or letting my mind run wild with my situation. This means I have to make sure I am both physically occupied and mentally occupied enough to give myself a rest from hurting. So, it's not about ignoring or putting the hurt away, it's about enabling my mind and body to take a break so I can be stronger in those quiet times when I'm left to my own devices. Believe me, this helps - the extra strength prevents me from doing anything stupid like begging for him back...lol.

 

[RacyWilde]

hats off to those of you who have shared, its nice to rally around and help others even through words.

i find hope is the only thing that kept me and keeps me going. There are pieces of my heart that will hurt forever. They will come back at the weirdest times or when something reminds me of a particular memory.

its been over a year now, since the final nail went into the most significant relationship ive had. Time has helped, hopefully a new lady will come along and help move the healing along.

but it will still be there, and should be because its part of the journey to who i am now.

Thank you

I'm just going to write my unconnected thoughts right here...

I'm actually glad that no one has said (yet) "There's plenty of fish in the sea." I've always believed that there is only one of each of us. I'm sure a fisherman knows the difference in each catch even though they are all marlin. It is the experience of them that is unique.

It seems unfathomable to me how humans can love and yet live without each other. Love doesn't mean you have to live inside each other's lives... it is an energy that can empower when needed - weaving in and out to create the tapestry of your existence. The only reason we have to give up a perfectly good love is because of the silly rules we must live by, rules that were made up to stop 'jealousy'. There is no jealousy if there is no possession. Possessing love is trapping it - locking it into a place. Sure it might still live but it's brightness cannot extend. The need to own things is what puts the human race in such a deplorable state.

But, I know how new love can heal, though that is a chance I'm not willing to take. I'd prefer to rely on myself, for I will always be there for me in my time of need, in my troubles and sorrow, in my happiness and peace. My first love that should heal me should be of myself. It's easy to say, but hard in practice.

 

[SassySheDevil]

I'm trying to mend my own also. Everyone will give you ideas and tell you this or that will work. Just know, each of us is different and each deals with the pain our own way.
For me, music is my soul and I use it to try and heal my pain. And maybe in time, it will.

I tried music but I tended to lean towards the broken heart songs and that didn't bode well for me...lol.

At the moment, I'm trying to get out of my head. I think hurting and thinking at the same time just makes things worse. I'll get done with hurting first and then I'll think it over. Occupying myself with my other contacts has helped too. Even though I don't feel like sexting, just talking about nothing has given me some relief.

I turn to music a lot too, but like you, I often turn to the sappy stuff and end up making myself cry even more. But sometimes a good cry does help me feel better. I have never found the perfect answer for this though. Like Eric said, Everyone is different, sometimes your friends can help you get through and you just have to lean on them a little.

 

[RacyWilde]

I turn to music a lot too, but like you, I often turn to the sappy stuff and end up making myself cry even more. But sometimes a good cry does help me feel better. I have never found the perfect answer for this though. Like Eric said, Everyone is different, sometimes your friends can help you get through and you just have to lean on them a little.

Maybe that's it... I need an ugly cry! I've only had deep slow tears so far. I should do this in a controlled environment though - alone, no make up, lots of tissues and some really sad music. I think you are so right! I don't know why I didn't think of it. It's kind of like how guys jack off before a date so they won't get an embarrassing boner - I should ugly cry it all out so I don't accidentally have a moment at the most inconvenient time. The hard part will be allowing myself to do it. I tend to bite it in as I'm a big girl in a man's world.

Thanks!

 

[SassySheDevil]

Maybe that's it... I need an ugly cry! I've only had deep slow tears so far. I should do this in a controlled environment though - alone, no make up, lots of tissues and some really sad music. I think you are so right! I don't know why I didn't think of it. It's kind of like how guys jack off before a date so they won't get an embarrassing boner - I should ugly cry it all out so I don't accidentally have a moment at the most inconvenient time. The hard part will be allowing myself to do it. I tend to bite it in as I'm a big girl in a man's world.

Thanks!

haha they do work wonders for me. Good Luck. I had one last night in the bath tub. Relaxing bath, candles, music and ugly crying

 

[Rtub501]

I have tried booze a good drunk but don't stay in the bottle to long. In my past I have a 30 day period I tried to drink a girl off my mind. I know I drank but can't remember more than that. A good friend kicked me in the ass and brought sanity back to me. Get mad but don't hurt others. Keep busy.
That the best I can do.
One last thing. Our relationships both good and bad help us become mostly and hopefully a better person. Mine changed me some. I think for the better. It took a special woman to break down that wall. That was 27 Years ago. I know she has her baggage too.