How do you know when you're being unfair to your partner sexually

[SouthTampaGuy]

Gang

I don't know how philosophical this thread may seem, but my wife and I had a "discussion" last night and while I won't bore you with the details, you can read the police report yourself (JUST KIDDING), I thought I'd use my friends here to give their input

When you're married, or even in a significant relationship. One where you are totally in love with the other and you know there will never be another:

If you're partner asked you to do something sexually or try something new sexually and you weren't completey comfortable with it. You may find it gross or not conventional. Do you still have a responsibility as their life partner to at least give a try without arbirtarily shutting the idea down

More to the point, in that type of relationship, isn't it enough to simply be turned on knowing that what you're doing is turning on your partner. Opening your mind, as much as you've opened your heart and soul, to see what's out there?
or
am is it insensitive to pursue it further once you're partner has said no?

**
Eric

 

[Jimbosis]

I can relate...

Eric - I feel for you dude. This has come up in the past, and recently, with me and Ill tell you it still frustrates the hell out of me. You would think that your partner would at least be open to new ideas by giving them a shot, even if its not something that they have ever thought of trying, because they want to try and please you. But unfortunately not all people feel that way. Hell, I do many things that I dont want to do, not necessarily sexual, because I know she likes me to.

Anyway, one thing that I have found that semi works is talking about it first and slowly easing them into the idea, either by conversation only or baby steps of whatever you are trying to accomplish. It doesnt always work, but the few times that it has have been very enjoyable for us. Which adds more fuel to the whole motivation of new experiences in my eyes, but amazingly some people still wont let that sink in.

Good luck. Jimbo

 

[clsc69vette]

Just because...

Hi,

I also understand what you are saying but I must admit I am one of those partners who is having a hard time with a sexual request made by my other half. It is not that I don't want to fulfill all of his fantasies and would like to think I have been doing a pretty good job so far, but his last request has me worried, confused, and hurt. I have explained my position to him and he feels I am being selfish. I have backed off and so has he to a point.

So my stand is when it comes to fulfilling a partners request I honestly feel that if you really love and care for each other and after openly discussing things you can not agree you should respect that persons wishes because pushing the point could do more harm than good in the long run and who knows in the future they maybe more receptive to the idea after having time to think about it. After all it may just be that at this point in time they are not ready in mind to go there with you but it doesn't mean they love or care for you any less than before.

Yvette

 

[SouthTampaGuy]

When is enough enough

Yvetter and Jimbo,

Thanks for your comments. It's nice to hear from other people in this situation

My question now, is when is enough enough. When do you start to feel rejected when you're always being told no. When nothing ever goes past the talking stage. How many times can one back down without feeling frustrated or rejected?'

Is there a sex therapist for couples?


**
Eric

 

[Jimbosis]

Yvette is right. At some point you just have to back off. Unless of course this is some sort of D&S game and you know that they will submit in the end.... Ummmm, those are great too....

To answer your question, enough is enough when you feel like its interfering in the rest of the relationship. Thats what works best for me anyway.

Yes, most marriage counselors are for couples.

 

[clsc69vette]

Backing off

I think Jimbo is right. Most peopel know their partners well enough to know when enough is enough and a big clue would be if it starts affecting the relationship.

And yes STG there are Sex Therapists available to couples having issues with their sex lives and any therapist or counselor worth there salt would be able to refer appropriately for sex therapy.

Yvette

 

[Guest]

When you act like my man.

 

[lorddragonwolf]

Re: Re: How do you know when you're being unfair to your partner sexually

When you act like my man.

why dont you find someone new?

 

[Guest]

It's frustrating for me, and I'm sure people are sick of me, but I still love him. That's why it hurts so much.

 

[Shadowedge]

I'm not sure I have anything useful to add, but wanted to put in my two cents. more often than not if my S/O or I have something we want to try, we tell the other, and get a first response. sometimes its "hell yes!" but more often it is "let me think about it." Then it simmers around for awhile, and after a few days or when one of us is in that mode, someone says something. we haven't had many problems with this. The best advice I have is to leave her alone for awhile. If you don't like being turned down, then give it a break for awhile. Set a time limit, (a few weeks?) then ask agian. If she is uncomfortable with the idea ask her why, and see if there is a comprimise.......best I have to offer.

 

[Jimbosis]

Hey BlessedBe - I just wanted to say that youre not alone in your feelings. I also am in a very frustrating situation. And it doesnt make it any better when you have people saying well just do this or just do that..... There are so many little things that others dont take the time to consider, but that you just have to live with. I hope things work out for you. Jim

It's frustrating for me, and I'm sure people are sick of me, but I still love him. That's why it hurts so much.

 

[lorddragonwolf]

It's frustrating for me, and I'm sure people are sick of me, but I still love him. That's why it hurts so much.

i have read what he is putting you through. it sucks i as a man would rather be with my wife than masterbating to internet porn. you are a beautiful and smart woman. maybe he will come around soon before he loses you.

 

[lilpriss]

Sometimes, it's best to let things linger for a while unspoken...

I once dated a guy who was OBSESSED with anal sex...
I was young and thought "ewww" and he kept on about it so much that it made me resent him instead of opening up to him.
We ended up trying it twice... I hated it and felt he was being selfish and unfair. Now fast-forward ten years... no longer with him and constantly fantasize about it. And have since enjoyed it! The point is this, if you nag her it'll never happen.

I've found that reading sexy stories about things I wouldn't have thought I could (or would) ever enjoy will sometimes arouse more than curiosity.

You may want to ease her into whatever your idea is... example... if you're into watersports... maybe start off in the shower... I don't know, personally... it's not for me... if it's foot fetish... give her a foot massage... work up to it.

Don't just pop up with, "hey let me fuck you up the ass... "
or, "Piss in my mouth"
or, "go tot he grocery store bare footed and come back and make me lick the dog shit off the bottom's of your feet like the dog I am..."
or, "strap this on and call me your bitch"

... See what I mean? If you've been involved a long time and suddenly you're into a kink... not only is she thinking "what am I dating?" but also "Why didn't he tell me this from the get go?"

 

[Ncohagfuta]

Dunno how on topic this is but it also might seem like me ranting and raving... but Between my wife and I the subject of 3-somes came up and she found out that I would like to try something like that paired up either way... She talked about for a bit, but was just humoring me till she shot it down completely, and still occasionally asks to see if I want to do it. And of course being the love struck fool I say no. So now I forgot what the point of this was, but if any one can figure it out can you help me? lol

 

[AardRiven]

It would be much easier to look at this objectively if I knew what exactly did you request.

There are certain things, like anal sex for example, that most women I've met reject at first mention, as an auto-response, but if you dont push it, but bring it up (like 'My b-day is coming up, how about ... for my special present ...) you get a 'maybe' and in the end most will accept at least to try. If you take your time and ensure her satisfaction as well, you could have it over and over.

Having said that, there are things, like swapping for example, or treesome, that some people cannot handle emotionaly, especially if they love their partner, and if they reject idea, it might be better to keep it a fantasy as it WILL break you up if you push it. Oh, and marriage councelling, sex councelling, honestly, in most cases it doesnt fix things. In most cases, couples split up anyway. Better way is to listen to your partner, really listen, and see if there is a point in keeping going or not.

 

[Pixie Mischief]

I believe both partners have to concent and feel confortable with what they are doing. if one is unsure, talk about it with them

 

[Pixie Mischief]

LOL umm how do you know your being selfish and unfair to your partner. well when they complain that you masterbate too much and are never horny for them. and when they complain that you always masterbate and when he wants to have phone sex, you arent horny. I must say therei s nothing worse then telling your man a story when you arent at all horny. I cant deny him or hed get angry and go on and on about how I never am horny cause I play too much and besides I want to please him lol

 

[Rosamund]

.

 

[Pixie Mischief]

sounds like me and my BF LOL hes my first heck never even really kissed a guy before him not willingly anyways.

Lets just say in the month I spent with him I experienced ALOT lol

 

[Rosamund]

.

 

[Pixie Mischief]

LOL I dont really get shocked. surprised yes. hes.....different LOL not like most guys I've met well not like most people

 

[Rosamund]

.

 

[Pixie Mischief]

thats a problem me and him are having, I'm shy

 

[Rosamund]

.

 

[Pixie Mischief]

the problem is he likes "Agreesive" girls. he was upset with me a month ago saying how I havent initiated anything in 4 months and that he just cant always be the agreesor and he just can not. Makes him feel un wanted, unneeded and pathetic.
he wants me to grab him and say "fuck me NOW" and such I spent a month with him. LOL lets just say I was surprised alot