How do you ensure your emotional safety?

[shy slave]

When discussing SSC the most common way to look at the ‘safe’ aspect appears to be in relation to physical safety.
The emotional safety of anyone starting out in a relationship is vital to ensure their well-being in the event of the relationship not working in the short or medium term.
Looking for articles on safety issues most appear to focus on the physical aspects: meet in a public place, tell someone where you are going, know the persons name and information about them, practice safe sex etc.
Emotional safety can start much earlier than the actual meeting of each other. The internet has become a ‘normal’ place to meet people and most of us talk via IM or webcam to people we have never met.

When talking about emotional safety I am primarily referring to pyls (pick your label) not PYLs. This is simply because I have no knowledge about how a PYLs emotionally protects themselves, not because I think it is a lesser issue.

I have heard pyls say that it is not their place or role to ensure their emotional safety. This, in my opinion, is not the case. If you were to walk down a dark road at night you would think through the possible dangers and how to minimise them. I am simply looking at ways that this can be achieved on a more subjective level.

Talking (prior to meeting) to a PYL at the very beginning of a potential relationship can move from flirting and fun to intense very quickly. Discussions with other pyls say that a PYL will often ask you to do something or set a simple basic task. There does appear to be some common themes to the tasks set: Send a list of toys/equipment, send a list of fetish clothing including shoes, send a fantasy that you have had fulfilled, send a fantasy you want fulfilled, completing a tick list. Other less common ones include sleeping with a collar on, begging online, going out dressed as they dictate and ringing them to say what you are wearing.
Of course these are generalised and not all PYLs act in this prescribed way.
However if a pyl is new to this lifestyle or they have thought about it for many years and have now got the courage to follow through with their needs these tasks can become a big issue in the mind of a pyl. They can spend long hours thinking them through and working out how to please the PYL, it can affect their daily lives. Meanwhile the PYL is waiting for the completion of the task.
It appears, from talking to pyls, that it is at this point that the pyl emotionally invests in a person they have never met and may not know that well.
We know how difficult it can be to meet the right person for you, as a pyl you could go through this process more than once and emotionally invest each time, potentially getting hurt each time it does not work out.
As part of securing emotional safety it is possible to have already made a list of toys, clothing and there is nothing wrong from omitting anything you feel uncomfortable about revealing at this point in time. For example if you have a baby fetish but do not feel ready to discuss it, why admit you have all the clothing and items?
It is equally possible to sit and calmly write a fantasy story, some of which can have personal aspects of a fantasy but hold back on things that are to personal or feel uncomfortable to reveal at this point.
Doing these tasks prior to the point of being asked means a certain level of objectivity. The emotional investment on a pyls part is lessoned, therefore if things do not progress the emotional hurt is lesser. The pyl has given nothing ‘extra’ away that they would not be able to cope with at a later date.
It is true that pyls do not set ‘tasks’ in the same way as a PYL may choose to. However there are aspects within the development of a relationship that allows opportunities to show how that PYL deals with certain issues.
I know some pyls cry at particular times (outside of a scene) to see how this is handled or they appear to misunderstand a basic command for example a time of meeting, or ‘phoning. Small incidents that give insight into how this person may support or deal with life issues outside of D/s
Many of reading this may think this sounds cold and calculating and many of you would not choose to do such a thing. These thoughts could be seen as ‘lying by omission’ but on the other hand if the relationship goes nowhere the pyl has lost very little. When the right person comes along and both PYL & pyl start to reveal their true selves the pyl knows when the time has come to emotionally invest in that person.

I would welcome your thoughts/feelings/views on this post and on emotional security and how you have protected yourselves to ensure you do not invest too much too soon.
If your views are one of horror and your thoughts lean towards ‘what a bitch’ please let me know. I love a good discussion!

 

[TaintedB]

Rather than lie by omission, another way to handle such premature tasks is to tell the other person that you feel uncomfortable with how early they are asking for this and that you'd like to get to know them better first. And use their response to that bit of direct honesty as a means to judge what sort of person they are.

I personally don't like to omit stuff to others without telling them I am omitting it because it makes me feel uncomfortable and artificial--I hate to feel as though I'm purposefully hiding something from someone or sneaking behind their back, but I agree that there are some very personal things you don't want to share early on with somebody I barely know. To me, someone who is ignorant of that fact and asks for too much too early or is insensitive to your level of discomfort with disclousure probably isn't someone you want to spend a lot of future time with. There are plenty of doms out there who are sensitive to the nuances, and who understand that power relationships do not magically appear fullblown overnight, so why waste your time with the other type?

I've met a lot of different bdsm types, had a lot of experience, so for me, an individual's timing in assuming control or asking for personal information and the context in which they do it tells me pretty much all I need to know about their compatibility with me, and I would not pursue the matter further if that compatibility was way off, no matter how attractive their personality (or their appearance, if looks moved me, which they rarely do). But perhaps I have that attitude because I'm old and therefore don't have a lot of time to waste? Still, nobody likes getting burned from an early hot and heavy relationship that goes sour. It stings bad.

 

[catalina_francisco]

You will usually find the aspects of emotional safety (when spoken of) under the 'sane' department of SSC articles. I think that is mostly because they relate it to the mental health of the sub and prefer to reserve the 'safe' to talk of physical safety. With that in mind, I think the task of retaining your emotional well-being is much as it is for any relationship, in particular those of the online variety, though not exclusively.

You need to have boundaries in place that are right for you, and know how to maintain them until you reach a point where you feel comfortable challenging or speaking of them. Talking to someone who may become your Dominant does not automatically make them your Dominant until you make that decision.... though many a hopeful Dominant will try and claim it is acceptable for them to act as such and expect you to act as their submissive. A lot of it comes down to knowing yourself, what you want, and feeling secure with who you are. If it means you are reluctant to speak about certain issues at a particular point, then you need to find a Dominant who shares that view or at least is willing to allow you that time. It is never recommended you reveal all immediately in either a vanilla or BDSM type relationship.....there is a need for both people to get to know each other at least a little before going into areas which might raise issues for them, or reveal more then they feel comfortable with. I think with the online BDSM relationship that is why it is helpful to begin talking as friends, discussing things in general which interest you both, establish some understanding and knowledge of each other. Often with that approach you find the other topics come easily in conversations that do not resemble a question and answer type exchange but rather a getting to know you progression of discussions and friendship.

I always found the checklists good, though they are only a guide and as you say, people may choose to leave things out. It is a bit of a catch 22 because if you are afraid of investing time and emotion with someone who might not be right, you both need to be as open and honest as possible so you have a reliable indication of what you are both looking for and willing to accept….if you don’t, then you may find yourself in a position of investing more emotions than you would have otherwise…..or they may. It is not unusual to find what one might be willing to try the other will not want to have anything to do with….it is what makes us all individual. Just as likely is the possibility that what is unacceptable at one point may not be at another….or with another person.

It is a relationship that is very sexual in its nature, so for me it was necessary to get into areas early I would not have perhaps if it were a vanilla relationship I was seeking. Online made it somewhat easier, especially as I was in the habit of finding out those things which mattered most to me as early as possible. If there were things that didn’t suit and mattered to any large degree, I usually discovered those before investing a lot of emotion and time…and before meeting. I also would not webcam with anyone who had not reached that point with me, and did not bother with those who were preoccupied from the first email with getting photos and talking sexual, especially if almost exclusive of anything else. I also preferred for earlier discussions of a sexual nature to be more practical as in what one does or does not like, or has tried, would like to try as opposed to the let’s get hot together type of conversations. It may seem unsublike to some, but IMHO though the sexual aspects were important, they were not the driving force I wanted for the relationship…I wanted D/s. If a prospective Dominant felt I should be concentrating more on playing sex games online, than I figured he was not looking for the same thing I was and it was much better we seek someone who could fulfil our individual needs.

As far as the crying thing, or not carrying out a task to see what would happen, I didn’t do those things. Once again I think you can find the answers to those areas through conversation and getting to know the person. Often just chatting about life and your experiences etc., without a particular agenda will reveal more than going on a mission to find out what would happen if…. If you play those games you risk setting a pattern for future interactions, not to mention undermining trust if the ploy is discovered or revealed at a later point in time….it isn’t worth it. Bottom line is no matter what type relationship you are entering into or involved in, you risk being hurt emotionally at some point. It is one of those risks in life which seem unavoidable unless you want to remain isolated and alone.

Catalina

 

[shy slave]

Thanks Tainted and Catalina

You both have differing ways of maintaining a level of safety that suits you as people, some of this comes from knowing yourself and experience.
Its my experience whan talking to other subs that the emotional investament is often made when we are new into discovering this lifestyle and there are no maps that tell you how to spot a 'wannabe' Dom or what may be right for one person may not be right for you.

In vanilla or D/s its so easy to be carried away on a need to please that person that you emotionally invest too much too soon.

AA's tag line of 'welcome to the deep end' sums all aspects up pretty well, the problem is that some pyls drown

 

[catalina_francisco]

Thanks Tainted and Catalina


You both have differing ways of maintaining a level of safety that suits you as people, some of this comes from knowing yourself and experience.
Its my experience whan talking to other subs that the emotional investament is often made when we are new into discovering this lifestyle and there are no maps that tell you how to spot a 'wannabe' Dom or what may be right for one person may not be right for you.

In vanilla or D/s its so easy to be carried away on a need to please that person that you emotionally invest too much too soon.

AA's tag line of 'welcome to the deep end' sums all aspects up pretty well, the problem is that some pyls drown

Very true, but then the same can be said for vanilla if you are an emotional or sensitive person...lol, I'm living proof. I don't actually consider myself experienced in D/s terms, partly because there is so much to learn, try, experience, but also because even as in vanilla relationships, each relationship is unique. How we as a couple interact differs from how F or I would interact with another partner simply because individual personalities make a difference. There are aspects of our relationship for instance which are strong and integral but which he would not have ever considered with previous submissives...just as there are aspects which I do not question which would have been an issue with others.

It is because there is always that individual flavour to each partnering that makes it difficult to formulate a definate way to avoid heartache or pain. There are no guarantees even after a relationship is established....so many factors can become a catalyst for change, often unavoidably so. This on emotional safety and this one on what to look for (click on article Finding a Dominant), and this on what you may want/need (click on Sub's Needs) and this one which is a good new female submissives guide to male Dominants may help. I did have another one listing what to look out for when trying to avoid the bad ones but haven't found it in my list on this PC (likely on the other one so will post it later if so). You probably have read most if not all these already though.

Catalina

 

[jdmct]

emotional safety

My Devine Mistress,Grace9 will be sending you what am sure you will find interesting first hand insights into this subject.
I would also suggest you contact YinandYang since she is one of the most open and honest people you will ever meet and can help you a great deal in this area.
Very good idea to ask for help.
Do be careful out there.

James

 

[grace9]

Firstly, Thank you to Catalina for the links....they are a great resource for those of us new to BDSM!...Many, many thanks for those!

James is right...above all be careful.

And Shy Slave, I know exactly what you mean about protecting emotional safety. I am new to this and I know how apprehensive I feel treading into new water where the tides seem to be particularly strong both inside and out(the "deep end" so to speak). I am a pretty confidant person for the most part and because I'm 36 thought I had had time to "know" my self and felt like I could proceed into many situations trusting my judgment, that helped and hindered with protecting my heart in BDSM. It hindered because there were aspects of myself still unknown to me that were still a mystery (BDSM for one) and it hindered because I operated from a place in romantic relationships as someone who "knows herself well"....Duplicitous to say the least!

But once I recognized this duality protecting myself came as the necessary offshoot of that vulnerability. I approached it as though I was juggling crystal.....careful, mindful, with a fair amount of skepticism, a lack of ego ( a bit of a tussle) and with a VERY gentle touch, ESPECIALLY with myself. That is key. Even as a sub your greatest value (for you would not offer it to the right Dom if it were junk, no?) is yourself. I was turned off by a few "onlines" that wanted to give orders as soon as they saw the word "sub". This did not fit me and I was right in believing that a better fit existed.

Being submissive takes a great deal of strength both of character and of mind. The gift of yourself to another is too precious to put into clumsy hands. Respecting the gift is what may help to gauge what crosses the line. If what the "online's" request is goes far past your boundary or sends up an alert flag...you would employ safe measures in real life and that is no less valid online. If at an early stage you feel in your gut that this on some level "doesn't feel quite...right." then you must trust that because it may not be right for you. What I learned about BDSM in a short time is it's about what works for you (the PYL & pyl).

By getting to know the Dom I'm with (jdmct) as a man first and him getting to know me as a woman first allowed our level of trust to deepen in a way that I never could have expected and our inclinations evolved in a fashion that made me more than comfortable....it made me feel safe. I came into this (I'll admit) with a certain level of sub frenzies....wanting to explore every sensation in a New York minute..(LOL)....and that's where the rubber met the road when I met my match

He didn't push or order, force or demand.....but encouraged my growth and expansion before we could take new steps together so we could both be very sure what it is I wanted and what he wanted with me as well.

I am no expert...(and in any matters that involve the complexities of the human heart/soul, who can be?).....but if something does not smell right....or feel right....one should not be counterintuitive to our base instincts that are built in by Mother Nature to protect us when reason alone cannot.

Also from the perspective that a sub may be in emotional peril because of her naivety I found it very helpful to chat with other subs first. Ones I found that seemed to be of a similar emotional/intellectual constitution as I. I just felt a manner of kinship and they were further ahead in BDSM than I...so I felt their advice was something that would be my "speed". I found the counsel and knowledge I gained from them helped me to identify any warning signals lacking in my judgment at that point.

You also wrote "I have heard pyls say that it is not their place or role to ensure their emotional safety." I have to say I only agree with this after the bond of complete trust has been established. To put your emotional safety in the hands of someone you may still not be too sure about IS taking responsibilty for your emotional well being but to an extent saying you are not responsible for how it turns out. Choice and consequence are linked by design. Even someone in a 24/7 relationship has made the choice to have no choice. And I would think some consideration went into it on both parties ends before entering into such a mutual agreement.

One is still making a choice whether they actively see it as one or not. It doesn't just apply to BDSM but to life as a whole. When I choose to give in or surrender some part of myself and relinquish it to my SO I have simply made the choice to trust, both him and myself for deciding to do so.

One of the things that appeals to me about BDSM is the active knowledge of the machinations of relationship. That it is not hazy that or how giving and receiving takes place. It comes with clarity and when first wading in I still had the habits of non BDSM relationships which were also within the dynamics of hearts/souls but not with the same vivid participation in the arena that I see in BDSM. Because of this I have found that self clarity (I'm not done by any means and am evolving every second as we all are) is the healthiest way for me to approach this lifestyle and those in it that I come in contact with. At the beginning of things for me now I find that my gift of choice is of the utmost importance because of the development I wish to see in myself and what I want to give to my SO. I know he is more pleased with me as a full individual who brings to him my whole with my complete knowledge I am doing so and it heightens the experience for us both.

You also wrote: "We know how difficult it can be to meet the right person for you, as a pyl you could go through this process more than once and emotionally invest each time, potentially getting hurt each time it does not work out."

I find this is where the strength of the sub is called to the fore. The stronger I feel in my own skin the more the thought of being hurt does not destroy me. The potential for emotional hurt is a factor in life itself whether with heartbreak or a sour conversation with a friend or stranger saying something hurtful to us on a sidwalk. One thing for sure in life....you will get your feelings hurt. But the redemptive part of the human spirit is to know deep down that you will recover. I meditate daily and this helps a great deal with my remaining centered in that. And past heartbreak serves not as a reason to remain closed for me....but the reason I open again. Because no matter how my heart broke....or how many oceans of tears I cried....I recovered...that is what I hold onto....and it is our strength....the strength of rebirth.

All of what I say of course applies in regard to not giving out personal info (address...phone #.....tastes etc....) if and until the time comes that it feels right. And being a sub and new to it in particular...I have no qualms about taking things slowly because for me I need to build....step by step....pushing each new boundary to help me reach the plateau where they could be confronted more directly and expeditiously.

I of course don't expect my opinions to hold true for all because life itself is a living, breathing flowing entity....and so are all of we in its waters. But there is nothing wrong with being careful, especially in the beginning with someone new. The boundaries have plenty of time to evolve and be challenged but deep, heartfelt trust can lay the groundwork for experiences beyond what one only dreamt of....

They are as unique as the number of people there are to define them so what works for me may not work for the next person and so on. As a new sub I must give myself room. Room to be wrong...room to doubt....room to trust....room to grow.....room to become.....and the room to change.

Did I just totally hijack this thread????.....sorry...*shutting up now*

Gracie~

 

[grace9]

jdmct

Thank you, Love for your confidance in my posting abilities....but you know how I do run on....

Gracie~

 

[jdmct]

Grace running on

You??
Nah.
Just a nasty rumour started by the phone company.

YVLMJ

 

[YinandYang]

ShySlave,

I have had experience, not in the pyl manner but in relationship/internet terms. I like Grace9 thought age would protect me from my own sensitivity. I have jumped in with both feet so many times that I think I must have been re learning things i never learnt the first time. Like you say I think the biggest danger is opening your heart too quickly and falling hook line and sinker, investing time and emotion into something that may not warrant it at the time. When I look back at the mistakes I made, it was mostly because I saw things that really weren't there. If the reality was too harsh for me to deal with, I would add little bits in my mind to make the picture rosier. I met someone online about two years ago, he introduced me to the delights of BDSM although at the time we both didn't know really what it was all about. He would set me tasks (unknowingly), they would always start of with the words 'If you loved me you would....'. I found at those times my instincts screamed out to me to stop. We met a few times, again my instincts told me something wasn't right, but I was so desperate for the perfect happy ending, I ignored my feelings. He moved in with me, and things just went from bad to worse. Won't go into detail, but it was a huge lesson i was to learn. I saw him for the real person he was, not the person he 'sold' me over the net. All my illusions came tumbling down very quickly, and the rose tinted glasses slipped.

I met another about a year ago, and this time I was determind not to see things how I wanted them to be but to look with honest eyes. It worked to a certain extent, although I did paper over the cracks many times. I think its just my nature to be too trusting of people, and get sucked in. I couldn't enter in a poly union for this reason, I would get hurt.

As for doing tasks, I would always trust your intincts, if it doesn't feel right, then its not. Look for the synchronicities, be aware of little signals that tell you if you are at the right place at the right time. We ALL have a right to exercise our own judgements and limitations, anyone worth their salt will understand this and not ask things of you that are outside of your bounderies. Its difficult if not damn near impossible to judge the reactions of others online, thats what make online relationships so good because we only see what the other person wants to see. Its so easy to build up a perfect picture of this special someone, ignoring niggles and only seeing the good. And whilst I do think its a good way to meet people, I would personally ensure that 'real time' be more prominant than online time.

I think its perfectly normal to 'sound a person out' by testing them, we all do it most of the time in our everyday relationships probably without realising it. Its not evil or snide, its human nature. After all the other person will be testing you by asking for tasks to be completed.

I suppose a way of protecting yourself is still to remain open minded, but have no expectations. Try not to look ahead, live in the now and enjoy the present without worrying about the future or where the relationship will go. Be completely honest with yourself, and be strong in that you only accept things into your life that fit with you. My biggest mistake in the past is molding myself to fit anothers expectation.

Emotion and love I think are one of the most painful things that can be experienced when it all goes wrong. Being prepared emotionally is not a bad thing, but it can go the other way and leave a person with a heart of stone. This very nearly happened to me, and when I met my SO I pushed him away in the beginning because I couldn't handle that someone could potentially love me.

Your instincts always speak with truth, even if the truth hurts like hell, be true to yourself and never accept less than 100%.

 

[shy slave]

Thanks Cataline for the links

Thanks grace9 and Yinandyang, I am still reading and thinking through your posts. I really enjoy looking at things from so many angles and exploring other peoples thoughts and ideas.
Rest assured in the next few days i will be back with thoughts, comments and questions (hey the sig line warns you and says I am curious!! lol)

Plus I just LOVE the idea that I am not the only person who talks and talks and talks

Now if only someone would disagree or give the Doms view of how they feel about the early stages of a new relationship and how they view the pyls emotional safety...or better still there own.

Is there anyone out there who throws themselves in the deep end EVERYTIME and keeps repeating the same pattern?????

 

[babiesmiles]

Very interesting and enlightening thread , I'm really reading it with great interest ,and a great sense of belonging . Moreover being actually new I'm trying to learn from more experienced opinions and points of view.

Thank you to Shy slave who started the thread and to Catalina, TaintedB, Gracie9 and Yin and Yang for sharing their experiences, everyone with such honesty , balance and the grace of the wisdom which is never conceited ( even it could have the right to be ) but always truely helpful and understanding .

This in my opinion is one of the "perfect moments " of the beauty of sharing and confronting peacefully knowledge and thoughts, with such good vibes and a really friendly aura which it alone could give sense of my joining here and make me feel so lucky I casually bumped in this "online c ommunity ". Ty

Sorry for being mawkish, but I've an outgoing mediterranean character and if I like someone or something and if a situation makes me feel good , I must say it !! I can't help it

 

[grace9]

Babiesmiles you just added to the good friendly vibes....never apologize for saying something touched your heart. The world would be better if everyone did.

Gracie~

 

[babiesmiles]

Thank you

 

[shy slave]

Very interesting and enlightening thread , I'm really reading it with great interest ,and a great sense of belonging . Moreover being actually new I'm trying to learn from more experienced opinions and points of view.

Thank you to Shy slave who started the thread and to Catalina, TaintedB, Gracie9 and Yin and Yang for sharing their experiences, everyone with such honesty , balance and the grace of the wisdom which is never conceited ( even it could have the right to be ) but always truely helpful and understanding .

This in my opinion is one of the "perfect moments " of the beauty of sharing and confronting peacefully knowledge and thoughts, with such good vibes and a really friendly aura which it alone could give sense of my joining here and make me feel so lucky I casually bumped in this "online c ommunity ". Ty

Sorry for being mawkish, but I've an outgoing mediterranean character and if I like someone or something and if a situation makes me feel good , I must say it !! I can't help it

Babiesmile you are a sweet person, the world could do with more people like you.

I started this thread for many reasons, I love exploring peoples thoughts and ideas, the boards always remind me of a prism: we are all looking at the same thing in differing ways.

I also started it to see who wanted a debate on a issue thats so subjective and individual there is no 'right' answer.

You are a better person than me babies

 

[babiesmiles]

Babiesmile you are a sweet person, the world could do with more people like you.

I started this thread for many reasons, I love exploring peoples thoughts and ideas, the boards always remind me of a prism: we are all looking at the same thing in differing ways.

I also started it to see who wanted a debate on a issue thats so subjective and individual there is no 'right' answer.

You are a better person than me babies

I am not that good ..lol .. dont make me blush ( it doesnt suit my hair colour )

I just felt a sense of quiet in an exchange of ideas in the way I like and I felt the wish to express it . That is .

And you are very kind

 

[Pure]

interesting thoughts shy,
i think yinandyang made some excellent points, and in the right spirit, imo.

parts of your posting have the flavor of discussing the gambits in chess openings. likewise answer can be phrased in terms of 'if he does X, you do Y' and some of it is good advice, imo opinion. as tainted said, the persons with early excessive demands are giving themselves away, and indeed they are best let go early, imo.

looking at one part of your posting,
As part of securing emotional safety it is possible to have already made a list of toys, clothing and there is nothing wrong from omitting anything you feel uncomfortable about revealing at this point in time. For example if you have a baby fetish but do not feel ready to discuss it, why admit you have all the clothing and items?

It is equally possible to sit and calmly write a fantasy story, some of which can have personal aspects of a fantasy but hold back on things that are to personal or feel uncomfortable to reveal at this point.

Doing these tasks prior to the point of being asked means a certain level of objectivity. The emotional investment on a pyls part is lessoned, therefore if things do not progress the emotional hurt is lesser. The pyl has given nothing ‘extra’ away that they would not be able to cope with at a later date.

This sounds fairly calculating. Imagine someone who prepared for a 'vanilla' date by making a list of 'favorite movies'--in case asked-- *being careful not to give too much away* --i.e. do not mention 9 1/2 weeks! Or they plan, not until the fifth date.

not to scold you for calculating, but rather to ask, "Could that work?" (to prevent emotional danger)?

that is why I like yinandyang's statements, since s/he was not mapping out a game to be played against a gamester. Of those you meet, at one extreme are the gamesters, and at the other the sponaneous, unpredictable, impulsive (and sometimes deranged). i am not trying to judge.

i don't see the point of trying to develop a better game than a gamester, but that's up to you. in any case, were s/he a pro, s/he'd (likely) quickly realize you were playing off a card, just as we know when someone who calls on the phone is reading a sales pitch to us. (i have a fantasy of computer assisted internet dating where all responses are canned, and for each comment or question, the 'answer' is there; if it's sex, just hit Selection #49.)

considering the other extreme, the calculation would not fare much better. for a 'canned' response--the premade list, the vetted prewritten fantasy-- it's not hard to come up with something off your map.

the idea of 'protection' in the love arena is probably impossible to achieve, and broken hearts on the 'net abound, as said, since one projects dreams on others, and has no solid facts. i did write a little piece on safety that's around here somewhere.

what can be said is that your instincts and hunches, along with 'standard precautions' (guard your address and home phone) will serve as well as any map someone tries to make for you.

you are going to hold back. that's you and half the world. the Other is going to try to draw you out (whether for honorable or dishonorable purpose). your defences, as it were, are *meant* to be overcome and will be, that's why the metaphor of 'falling for' someone exists.

 

[jdmct]

emotional safety

Preserving one's emotional safety is very much a two way street.
Doms/dommes have a tremendous reponsibility in these types of relationships and make every bit the commitment their subs do.
Gender is irrelevant. Trust is the foundation.
Trust requires time and exploration of each other's souls.
There are some caring Doms/dommes who are not just out for their own gratification but who help their subs grow.

Reference upon request

James

 

[cellis]

I think is a most important subject for submissives. I know the mistakes I have made in the past and I want to make certain that I don't repeat history. As I have stated elsewhere, I am starting over looking for a new Master. I find that I am much more cautious now than I was in the past. I also find myself putting distance between those that I have been considering.

I have made a list for myself of what I need and want in a Dominant.

I think the way for me to protect myself is to sure of myself. I need to be clear about the person I choose. It takes a lot of work to keep me safe. I am ultimately responsible for the choices I make and the lessons I learn from my mistakes.

I need to listen to that little voice inside me that says something is not right. I need to look at the reality of the situation and not try to make it something it is not. I need to look at the person and if there is one little thing that bothers me, I need to talk about it with that person or someone I can trust.

Today, I find myself putting a little distance between the people I am considering and not rushing to drop to my knees.

 

[YinandYang]

This in my opinion is one of the "perfect moments " of the beauty of sharing and confronting peacefully knowledge and thoughts, with such good vibes and a really friendly aura which it alone could give sense of my joining here and make me feel so lucky I casually bumped in this "online c ommunity ". Ty

Sorry for being mawkish, but I've an outgoing mediterranean character and if I like someone or something and if a situation makes me feel good , I must say it !! I can't help it

Babiesmiles, I think you have the right idea....if more people in this world looked at things the way you do, it would be a peaceful place to be. It takes two minutes to send some positive vibes to someone, and hours to get over a grievience. Thankyou so much for bringing a smile to my face today

 

[YinandYang]

I think the way for me to protect myself is to sure of myself. I need to be clear about the person I choose. It takes a lot of work to keep me safe. I am ultimately responsible for the choices I make and the lessons I learn from my mistakes.

I need to listen to that little voice inside me that says something is not right. I need to look at the reality of the situation and not try to make it something it is not. I need to look at the person and if there is one little thing that bothers me, I need to talk about it with that person or someone I can trust.

Today, I find myself putting a little distance between the people I am considering and not rushing to drop to my knees.

I totally agree with this Cellis! Sometimes its so hard to be completely honest with oneself, especially when the yearning for a perfect relationship takes hold

 

[YinandYang]

Preserving one's emotional safety is very much a two way street.
Doms/dommes have a tremendous reponsibility in these types of relationships and make every bit the commitment their subs do.
Gender is irrelevant. Trust is the foundation.
Trust requires time and exploration of each other's souls.
There are some caring Doms/dommes who are not just out for their own gratification but who help their subs grow.

Reference upon request

James

Hmm I agree its a two way thing, I suppose the trick is to work out who the honest ones are. Time is something that i think must be allowed in order to work these things out, time and instincts

 

[LilyMelb]

emotional safety

Hiya... I'm fairly new to posting on these forums, so forgive me if I stuff anything up!

Also, I haven't read all the replies to this post, so forgive me if I'm repeating something which has already come up!

Right, disclaimers out the way, heh.....

I read your post with interest, because the concept of emotional safety in BDSM is something which I've struggled with these last two years I've been involved in it. So my reply here isn't exactly on your topic, but related (hopefully!)

I can only talk as a bottom/submissive here... and would welcome any top/dom responses... but when I first got involved in a BDSM relationship, I found it relatively simple to begin to trust my physical safety with the man in question, but emotional safety was - and is - much harder. As a sub, I want to open up completely to my dom and focus on my his desires, put myself entirely and utterly in his hands... but as a sub by nature, I have also learnt over the course of my entire life to protect myself emotionally.

Now, vanilla relationships also involve a need for great deal of emotional trust and the need for emotional security and safety, but perhaps BDSM just takes that to more extreme levels. If I, as a sub, completely and utterly emotionally focus on my dom and open up to him on a level of complete emotional submission, that leaves me *extremely* vulnerable. Far more vulnerable than simply letting someone tie me up, at least to my mind.

I guess all I'm trying to say is I think emotional safety is far far more at risk in BDSM than even physical safety, at least from the subs pov. And it's this emotional submission I find hardest, yet conversely, also crave the most... go figure *sigh*....

Of course, this entire post is probably just the jaded and cynical me who's been hurt that one time too often coming out, hehehe...

Ta for your time reading my babble.... Lily

 

[Kajira Callista]

Is there anyone out there who throws themselves in the deep end EVERYTIME and keeps repeating the same pattern?????

Before i type anything i want to say this is only my opinion, and by no means fits into every case.
If a person does not grow and learn from their experiences it is a problem. Humans come with built in features such as; that utoh feeling. We are supposed to listen to our guts...if you aren't then 1) you like how you are being made to feel even though you know its not a good feeling. 2) You are ignoring what you are being told by your body and mind and that is a dangerous thing to do.
BOT... do i think you shouldn't be honest from the start? nope, i think you are only setting the relationship up for failure if you aren't.
A dominant with true interest with you should be patient, and you should be able to express not wanting to reveal parts of yourself, if you cant then there is a problem you need to look at. In any relationship do you jump in the deep end without thinking about the consequences? I would hope not. Things start slow...mostly. You date, spend time together, and get to know each other first. It should be the same in a D/s relationship. All i really want to say is that is it very important to care for your submissive self and learn to do that before you jump in and hand her over emotionally or physically to another, and anyone who expects that from you from day one is only going to damage who you are. There are ways to protect yourself emotionally that do not involve deception, number one on the list is honesty. You gain more respect by saying "I'm not comfortable with that subject yet and prefer not to continue the conversation or task" then you do by saying yes Sir and then not performing the task or lying about it.

 

[catalina_francisco]

You gain more respect by saying "I'm not comfortable with that subject yet and prefer not to continue the conversation or task" then you do by saying yes Sir and then not performing the task or lying about it.

Great point KC. If trust is one of the key issues of D/s how can you begin with dishonesty, no matter how innocent or justified the intention, and expect honesty and care in return?

Catalina