How do you cheat?

[Cbrnwife]

I’ve been married for 3 years now to a really great guy who I love but he won’t get help with his erectile dysfunction and when I want to bring toys into bed he gets self conscious. I just want sex from someone who can get me off but I have never initiated sex from anyone or really know how to go about cheating

 

[ReadyOne]

My bad advice

You might start by telling hubby gently but in no uncertain terms that his ED is a problem and there is help for it. Add that you expect sex to be part of the marriage, and warn him (gently) that not getting treated has consequences.

(Insert time delay, up to a couple of weeks, for him to figure out what he wants to do.)

Deliver the same message again, and point out that his not getting treatment will have consequences. Add that love means looking for the welfare of the other, and he's not doing anything for your welfare in the bedroom.

(Another delay. Spend your time reading More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory and The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities. Don't forget the local library.)

Remind him that there are going to be consequences, in particular the marriage will be renegotiated. Ask him if he wants to get a counselor involved.

(Another delay. This is your time to firm up what you want, what's worth keeping, and what you can compromise on.)

Come to Jesus time.
Ask him to assist you in finding a lover. Point out that you're not cuckolding him or expecting him to make you his hot wife. This about you finding a sexually satisfying relationship that he refuses to give you. You won't flaunt it in his face, but he may need to explain to your lover that (while not happy) he understands the what and why. See the book.

(Another delay, probably a long one, while you look for your FWB (Friend With Benefits). It ends when you tell hubby you've found him.)


And that brings us back to your original question, paraphrased as "How do I find a FWB?".


Sorry I don't have much help. I don't find women, they find me.

Do stay out of bars and clubs. Since you're dating to looking for a (sexy) friend, there ought to be something other than sex that can hold you together, preferably something not in common with hubby. Married men are far better than singles. Don't forget church, it's a place for sinners. Quietly let your acquaintances know that hubby doesn't object to a FWB.


I would probably disclose early on (second date?) that you have an ED hubby at home. Go with your gut feelings and be prepared to bail at any time.

It could also take 3 dates to learn his situation, obtain verifiable facts, and check them. Google is your friend. Ask what will happen when his SO finds out about his FWB.

About the end of the third date comes the heavy make-out session. You've done the interview, now you're skills testing.

Next date is negotiation and logistics for a one-off encounter, not in your home. Discuss what you might enjoy doing, what you're willing to try, establish each party's limits. Hopefully it will go well, he will not be a player chalking up a score, and you can formalize something.

 

[Nezhul]

I'm very sorry that you have to go through such frustrating experience.

I assume that what you're really asking is how to keep your marriage intact while not going crazy yourself.

Here're my takes on it:
1) He has to perform his husbandry duty.
It IS his duty. ED is a bad affliction to be sure, but as soon as he gets married - his erection isn't exclusively his own. So as long as it CAN be treated - he should do everything in his power to do it, otherwise he's being unfair towards YOU.
If he doesn't want it to get treated, then at least he still has a duty to satisfy you sexually in any way possible. This means toys. It's not about him, so he doesn't really get to pick and choose what he wants to do with it.

2) I always hate giving that advice based on such low amount of info, but do you feel he's being unfair to you? Or do you feel that he has a problem and it really can't be helped, and it's not his fault in the least?
Have you thought of finding someone else? ED is bad, but should YOU suffer because he refuses to treat it? I don't think so. If it CAN'T be treated, that would've been a different matter, but you make it sound like it can.

3) Talk to him. Lay it all out. Talk about your needs and how frustrating it is for you to not have them satisfied. If he tries to switch the discussion towards HIS problem - don't let it go there. He has a problems that YOU can't fix and that are not your fault. You're ready to support him through that. But YOU have problems that HE is supposed to take care of, and he doesn't. HIS problems doesn't make yours go away or be acceptable to ignore.
YOU are frustrated. And you are determined to fix it. He can either help you personally, or accept that someone else will. You sacrificing it is not an option.
Make it gentle, but make it perfectly crystal clear.

4) Go to dating sites. Search for FWB. Go to dates, find a man you are comfortable with. Or a woman, if you like. If you're determined to keep the marriage - make it clear that it's just sex and dates, and nothing more. If you are not sure about the marriage - don't say anything and see where it goes and if you can figure it out.
Just like during normal dating, don't feel like you have to jump into bed instantly.
And good luck!

 

[AssfuckBrenda]

Communication is a absolute must in any healthy relationship , your husband needs to hear that you love him , that you want to help him with his problem ..

What had changed in the 3 years , new job , children , etc ?

As for finding a friend , my advice here is no coworker , I've never found a secret to be kept..

 

[Bottomlover]

What part of getting help does he object to? If he just doesn't want to discuss with a doctor, there are legitimate US websites on which you can do it for him and obtain medications if they are appropriate.

Definitely talk to him and lay it out as another poster suggested. If he still refuses to do anything, it might indicate some other underlying problem that won't solve itself. In that case, I would make a decision on the marriage or come to some sort of understanding with him rather than cheat, but I am not you, and I certainly don't know the whole story.

 

[twister947]

In my experience, whenever I've set out deliberately seeking a partner, nothing comes of it. I probably look desperate and needy. Relax, and opportunities will appear.

 

[amofiga]

The sad truth is that there are a variety of treatments now for ED whether pills or devices or therapy or finding other ways to keep you satisfied like oral with dildos as part of it. There are a ton of sex games and approaches if people are openminded and willing.

This I will tell you though, a hubby who refuses to work with his wife on this issue will indeed risk her finding somebody on the side. There are many opportunities today with women in the work force and dating sites online that didn't exist 60-70 years ago. I think the thing that has really opened up "equal opportunity" sexual exploration for women is how many more are working full time and the advent of effective birth control. Unfortunately outright cheating can take a toll on a person's peace of mind and also present health dangers. It can hasten the demise of a weak marriage. Know yourself and be ready to accept the realities of affairs. Been there done that.

 

[Bramblethorn]

What part of getting help does he object to? If he just doesn't want to discuss with a doctor, there are legitimate US websites on which you can do it for him and obtain medications if they are appropriate.

Definitely talk to him and lay it out as another poster suggested. If he still refuses to do anything, it might indicate some other underlying problem that won't solve itself. In that case, I would make a decision on the marriage or come to some sort of understanding with him rather than cheat, but I am not you, and I certainly don't know the whole story.

Careful with this. Erectile problems are often symptoms of some broader health issue. Buying pills online risks masking the obvious symptom without addressing an underlying issue that could be dangerous. I think OP is well within her rights here to say "I need you to see a doctor about this", like you would about a cough that won't go away.

 

[Jing83]

In my experience it is easier to get men to cheat than women. They are simply far more visual creatures.

 

[littlecordelera]

Tinder
Bumble
Match
Ashley Madison
SwingLifeStyle

Just to name a few. Bumble might be a good start, because it gives the woman all the control.

And I might add, a guy who refuses to seek treatment for his ED is not interested in sex, period.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Man oh man, I was out the door and over to my cardiologists the minute I realized that I couldn't get it up because of my cardiac meds. Wrote me a script for generic Viagra. Fixed me right up. Wife was thrilled. Of course the spontaneity is gone, the pills take 20 minutes to work.

 

[ReadyOne]

Don't know if you will ever come back

I’ve been married for 3 years now to a really great guy who I love but he won’t get help with his erectile dysfunction and when I want to bring toys into bed he gets self conscious. I just want sex from someone who can get me off but I have never initiated sex from anyone or really know how to go about cheating

I assumed that you wanted something semi-permanent to supplement hubby. But maybe you just want a one night stand every now and then, or would like a zipless fuck. Something to take the edge off every few weeks.

Here are some interesting threads:
How to get a guy when you are shy
Get a guy at a bar

 

[Bottomlover]

Careful with this. Erectile problems are often symptoms of some broader health issue. Buying pills online risks masking the obvious symptom without addressing an underlying issue that could be dangerous. I think OP is well within her rights here to say "I need you to see a doctor about this", like you would about a cough that won't go away.

I agree, but if he won't go to the doctor about this, there are online sites where the same screening questions are asked. It's still not the same as an in-person visit, but the big contraindicators will be caught if the questions are answered truthfully.