How Do You Balance.....

[lil_slave_rose]

your PYL/pyl and the rest of your life?? i'm confused and lost right now, so let me apologize for rambling before i even get started, and i hate airing this out here, but i don't know what else to do. as many of you know if you read the distance thread, Master and i are in a tough spot right now. my best friend is having all kinds of problems, one thing after another so i've been staying with her to help her out. in doing that though, i've now made Master feel like He's being put on the back burner. i don't knwo what to do. i don't know what the right thing is. for those of you who don't know us, Master and i are in an LDR, have been for going on 4 years. and sometimes my life here, just gets in the way.

we used to spend ALL of our free time on the phone, i can't do that anymore and it has really really put a strain on our relationship and i feel like i am doing wrong by being here for my friend instead of spending all of my time with Master on the phone. i'm just so lost and confused and ANY feedback would be appreciated. i'm not looking for everyone to fix my problems, just some outside suggestions or advice is all. i'm not even sure if i've laid it out there well enough for any of you to respond, if i haven't let me knwo and i'll try my best to explain again. basically i just feel like i'm being pulled every which way and i don't know how to balance it all.

 

[the captians wench]

I'm in a very simular situation rose, with a few twists that I think have hightend things. If you'd like to talk more privately pm me and I'll send you my yahoo.

Until then I can offer hugs and let you know this is something I think most of us suffer from in one form or another.

 

[intothewoods]

I'm so sorry the both of you are going through this, rose.

To echo FM's thoughts in the Distance thread, this may be amplified because MP just left.

FM and I are also working towards something in the near future, but are bogged down my a mountain of things we are each dealing with in the present. It can be hard some days. It can be lonely. I think we both just keep in mind what we are working towards, and try to support each other.

It might be helpful for there to be some ground rules. What does he need from you, and what do you need from him. Talking it through always helps me.

My heart is with both of you though, really.

 

[Netzach]

Um, sometimes D/s goes on the backburner. Imagine if all your friends' issues were happening to one of you. I don't have any "what should I do" advice because I'll be damned if I've figured out what to do in crisis. Maslow's hierarchy applies to everyone M/s or not. Some problems can be solved within an M/s framework for some people, and some can't.

What does he have to say about it?

 

[SometimesNever]

You have the key word right in the title...balance. You must balance your life, your M's life and your lives together, just like any other relationship, even in a LDR.

I do require that my needs are met just as my subs. The difference is that my needs come first. I do require regular interaction between myself and my sub and I require a kind of dedication that should not be ignored. Regardless of what is going on, I demand communication to keep the relationship flowing properly.

Now the word "ignore". If you mindlessly put distance between yourself and your M while going about doing other meaningless less constructive things...that is ignoring and something I would not tolerate.

In your case you are helping a friend. That is 100% understandable but it is also understandable that it does not take much to put in a quick phone call, e mail or message to your M to stay in contact. You should WANT to make these connections, even if small, to let your M know what is going on in your life.

Your M could take this as trying to distance yourself. From that thought your M is possibly now wondering why you are trying to distance yourself. If your M is anything like me, gears are turning find what the root of the problem is and how it should be fixed.

Sometimes it is necessary to recalculate relationships and requirements of such. Sometimes one needs to do some inner searching to find the truths. Sometimes things change.

In situations like yours, much patience is needed by your M and your diligence in keeping your M appeased are more so than before. Speaking with each other about requirements and expectations should be key here.

I for one want my sub to come for me for ANYTHING. My sub knows that she can come to me and speak to me about anything. Anything and everything can be talked about, that's what I am here for, to help guide her...to be her friend, her lover, her Mistress. In opening this line of communication there is nothing I can not help her with as I am very understanding unless she chooses NOT to talk to me about things that affect her and I.

I know I was not much help here. I am sure I have not answered any questions or eased your mind but I figured I would chime in as the turmoil created between you and your M can be a painful one. Life always has a way of butting in but good communication and being honest with yourself and others can go a long way.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

It might be helpful for there to be some ground rules. What does he need from you, and what do you need from him. Talking it through always helps me.

My heart is with both of you though, really.

What does he have to say about it?

In situations like yours, much patience is needed by your M and your diligence in keeping your M appeased are more so than before. Speaking with each other about requirements and expectations should be key here.

I for one want my sub to come for me for ANYTHING. My sub knows that she can come to me and speak to me about anything. Anything and everything can be talked about, that's what I am here for, to help guide her...to be her friend, her lover, her Mistress. In opening this line of communication there is nothing I can not help her with as I am very understanding unless she chooses NOT to talk to me about things that affect her and I.

Notice a thread in common in the parts I've emphasized? In real estate, the three most important factors are location, location, and location. In relationships, the three most important factors are communication, communication, and COMMUNICATION. That can be even more important in (1) a LDR, and (2) a kink relationship. TALK to him about what you're feeling, why this is so important to you, and what you can do to minimize its effect on him and y'all's relationship.

 

[intothewoods]

Notice a thread in common in the parts I've emphasized? In real estate, the three most important factors are location, location, and location. In relationships, the three most important factors are communication, communication, and COMMUNICATION. That can be even more important in (1) a LDR, and (2) a kink relationship. TALK to him about what you're feeling, why this is so important to you, and what you can do to minimize its effect on him and y'all's relationship.

Lol, I normally hate when people pick apart posts, but that did make the point nicely!

 

[catalina_francisco]

It is hard to know what to say without knowing you both a whole lot better, and being able to read your minds.....impossible I know....so take whatever I have to say in the manner it is intended, to help perhaps ease what you are going through by at least offering some thoughts from our perspective and experience. As you already know, everyone has their own set of rules and how they expect things to happen, so you and MP will not perhaps have the same expectations we have in our own relationship.

For us, it has always been a situation where he and the health of our relationship has to come first, even in times of crisis which may involve others close to us. It isn't always easy, but it is what we set out to live from day one and try to maintain. Granted, during extreme stress such as when my father suicided, F was supportive of my being 16,000kms away with my family and attending to what had to be done, as well as suppportive of what I was going through emotionally...but even in that situation which involved immediate family and at the same time my mother in hospital undergoing serious surgery she was not expected to survive, he placed a limit on the time I spent there and a date to return by, accompanied me to the funeral and then flew home without me, and expected to have daily contact through phone, email, and IM. I wouldn't have had it any other way and it helped me get through it knowing he was supporting me and there waiting, but not so out of the picture we lost track of what each of us was experiencing and doing.

The way we have come to this is through our desire to live this way 24/7, not just when things are going along smoothly. It certainly adds pressure to the relationship, as well as strength, and there are times we need to take stock of where we are, what we are doing, and get back on the right track together. While other people are important to both of us, our relationship and each other are what we see as being there for all time and in that respect, it has to come before all else. People do sometimes need our help or support, but it is never given at the expense of our own time together or at risk of losing the connection we have with each other. Without each other we do not see life as being what we want, so it makes sense to protect that above all else.

I can relate to you wanting to support your friend rose, it is who you are, and perhaps that is sometimes taken advantage of by people...she is an adult and you are not responsible for what has happened in her life or what might happen. This does not mean you do not love or care for her, or that you can't be supportive, but if you knew without doubt it meant you would lose MP and all you had been building toward for 4 years, would it be worth the cost, and would she be able to make up for that loss of your future? It sounds cold, but you have to have boundaries and also make sure through helping others you do not risk your own happiness and peace. As you say, you are now stressed, confused, upset, by how this is affecting your relationship and plans...what can you do about changing that and bringing you back to a place where you are happy? Where will you be if your relationship deteriorates, and your friend ends up getting help from elsewhere or finding a way to cope without you being there? How are your own children coping with this pressure on your time, their time? How are you coping with it? How is MP coping? Do his needs remain as important to you as they once were, do you feel he is entitled to expect your support also at this time if he is feeling a little stressed over losing so much of you to someone else? Asking yourself these questions and trying to answer them realistically and not how you feel you should or how you feel justified to, may help you decide what you want and need to do to survive this time intact. Selfish as it might sound, you have to put yourself, your needs, and your future first, not be pushed and pulled by the lives of others, as much as it might hurt and feel difficult to make such choices.

Catalina

 

[Hisbabydoll26]

your PYL/pyl and the rest of your life?? i'm confused and lost right now, so let me apologize for rambling before i even get started, and i hate airing this out here, but i don't know what else to do. as many of you know if you read the distance thread, Master and i are in a tough spot right now. my best friend is having all kinds of problems, one thing after another so i've been staying with her to help her out. in doing that though, i've now made Master feel like He's being put on the back burner. i don't knwo what to do. i don't know what the right thing is. for those of you who don't know us, Master and i are in an LDR, have been for going on 4 years. and sometimes my life here, just gets in the way.

we used to spend ALL of our free time on the phone, i can't do that anymore and it has really really put a strain on our relationship and i feel like i am doing wrong by being here for my friend instead of spending all of my time with Master on the phone. i'm just so lost and confused and ANY feedback would be appreciated. i'm not looking for everyone to fix my problems, just some outside suggestions or advice is all. i'm not even sure if i've laid it out there well enough for any of you to respond, if i haven't let me knwo and i'll try my best to explain again. basically i just feel like i'm being pulled every which way and i don't know how to balance it all.

Rose: I think you both need to do something because it has been coming up from both of you on the thread which illustrates a small portion of what I'm sure is going on behind the lit boards.

Have you thought about things in terms of what you would do if MP lived with you. I know he doesn't but I guess I am saying if he did, would your help and reaction to your friend be the same? Would you be staying with her and putting yourself into your friend as much? He can't "grab" you and scream pay attention and it's not likely how you guys work but I guess I'm asking if it would get to this point if he were there? Did you balance things well when he was there? Even though you are in a LDR you may need to think about it in another way as it is your goal to be together.

Life gets in the way no matter what but do you guys have a ritual or thing you do nightly or weekly to reconnect?

My guy is here with me but I was feeling like he wasn't giving us the focus I wanted. He was busy, stressed to the point of becoming sick over it, and yet I still needed attention from him to know he was still there and we were still on the same page. It had only been a couple of days but the disconnect I felt was only getting bigger. I didn't want to bring it up and add more stress but I did, and we have come up with something that carves out time for us together, no matter what. It is there to protect our relationship and love.

It's important to love and care for your friend, but not at the loss of your own care. MP is important of course, but what are you losing when you don't get time with him. Have you asked yourself? There is a difference between help and support vs. sacrafice.

Your care for him shows in your want to make it better, just remember you and your needs are just as important if not more than those of your friend. If you don't take care of you (by having him in your life) then you can't take care of her.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[ecstaticsub]

Rose--Balancing can be very difficult in a LDR. I am in one also. We were going through a difficult time a few months ago because of extreme stresses in my life. My husband had just returned from being deployed, we were selling the house and moving far away, the kids were changing schools, I quit my job and decided to be a stay-at-home Mom for a while and I was having issues with my Mom.

I actually ended up asking my Dom for a break, some time where I didn't need to be submissive. It was the only way I could think of to get through the stresses. He granted me 2 weeks to get myself settled and my head back on straight. Well, I won't go into all the messy details..but it ended up not being a good idea. I do thank him for giving it a try though. The break lasted less than a week and with him taking more contol over me and being firmer which made me much less emotional and better able to get a handle on all the upheaval in my life. He was still very understanding and gave me plenty of time to reconnect with my husband but also made sure I didn't lose sight of my responsibilities to him.

The whole situation was a learning experience for both of us. We talked much more about what our expectations were and what our day-to-day life responsibilities were. It made us more understanding.

I wish you the best. Don't try to do everything, but do what is truly important.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

You have the key word right in the title...balance. You must balance your life, your M's life and your lives together, just like any other relationship, even in a LDR.

I do require that my needs are met just as my subs. The difference is that my needs come first. I do require regular interaction between myself and my sub and I require a kind of dedication that should not be ignored. Regardless of what is going on, I demand communication to keep the relationship flowing properly.

Now the word "ignore". If you mindlessly put distance between yourself and your M while going about doing other meaningless less constructive things...that is ignoring and something I would not tolerate.

In your case you are helping a friend. That is 100% understandable but it is also understandable that it does not take much to put in a quick phone call, e mail or message to your M to stay in contact. You should WANT to make these connections, even if small, to let your M know what is going on in your life.

Your M could take this as trying to distance yourself. From that thought your M is possibly now wondering why you are trying to distance yourself. If your M is anything like me, gears are turning find what the root of the problem is and how it should be fixed.

Sometimes it is necessary to recalculate relationships and requirements of such. Sometimes one needs to do some inner searching to find the truths. Sometimes things change.

In situations like yours, much patience is needed by your M and your diligence in keeping your M appeased are more so than before. Speaking with each other about requirements and expectations should be key here.

I for one want my sub to come for me for ANYTHING. My sub knows that she can come to me and speak to me about anything. Anything and everything can be talked about, that's what I am here for, to help guide her...to be her friend, her lover, her Mistress. In opening this line of communication there is nothing I can not help her with as I am very understanding unless she chooses NOT to talk to me about things that affect her and I.

I know I was not much help here. I am sure I have not answered any questions or eased your mind but I figured I would chime in as the turmoil created between you and your M can be a painful one. Life always has a way of butting in but good communication and being honest with yourself and others can go a long way.

i do communicate with Him, and there is Nothing that i am 'afraid' to talk to Him about. the problem is...TIME. i don't have the time to be able to talk on the phone or be on the internet the way i used to be. for almost 4 years we have spent ALL of our free time on the phone, now that life is happening for me, i can't do that. we do talk, just not nearly as often as we once did. i also have depression and it's rearing it's ugly head once again. i know the answer is balance, my question is, how do i balance it all without losing it??

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Notice a thread in common in the parts I've emphasized? In real estate, the three most important factors are location, location, and location. In relationships, the three most important factors are communication, communication, and COMMUNICATION. That can be even more important in (1) a LDR, and (2) a kink relationship. TALK to him about what you're feeling, why this is so important to you, and what you can do to minimize its effect on him and y'all's relationship.

communication is and never has been a problem in our relationship. we have talked...the problem as i stated above is the time we used to have to talk on the phone and 'be together' has gone down ALOT because of everything else going on in my life....

 

[intothewoods]

I'm sorry, rose. I know you two do communicate. And I realize you were talking a lot and now you are still talking, just less.

Is it just a matter of adjusting, or are you two in disagreement over how you allocate your time?

We all want to see you two succeed.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

thank you everyone for you comments and suggestions. you dont' know how much you all have helped. i have alot of thinking and working through things in my head to get everything back to good...but i know we'll get there, we have for almost 4 years....hugssss and to everyone

 

[CutieMouse]

Rose (and MP) this is a problem of your own design, and it will take the two of you being understanding and setting boundaries to solve it.

That means accepting that it's probably not *practical* to expect to spend hours on the phone with each other on a daily basis, just as it wouldn't be *practical* to expect to sit at his feet/next to him on the couch/follow each other room from room 24/7 if you were living in the same house.

Is it okay to (both) expect and need daily contact? Yes.

Is it okay to (both) expect and need X amount of daily contact? Yes.

Is it okay that sometimes Life gets in the way, and you have to *temporarily* work around those expectations and needs? Yes.

If the expectations and needs for regular, daily contact are *reasonable* and take personal lives, hobbies, work schedules, obligations, etc into consideration, the annoying disruptive stuff will probably have less of an impact.

If the expectations and needs for regular daily contact are excessive, the shit Life throws at you will always be an issue.

Set boundaries with each other, with yourselves, and with the people who absorb your time like sponges. It doesn't make you any less Master and/or slave of the month material... it makes you healthy functioning adults who respect and love each other.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Rose (and MP) this is a problem of your own design, and it will take the two of you being understanding and setting boundaries to solve it.

That means accepting that it's probably not *practical* to expect to spend hours on the phone with each other on a daily basis, just as it wouldn't be *practical* to expect to sit at his feet/next to him on the couch/follow each other room from room 24/7 if you were living in the same house.

Is it okay to (both) expect and need daily contact? Yes.

Is it okay to (both) expect and need X amount of daily contact? Yes.

Is it okay that sometimes Life gets in the way, and you have to *temporarily* work around those expectations and needs? Yes.

If the expectations and needs for regular, daily contact are *reasonable* and take personal lives, hobbies, work schedules, obligations, etc into consideration, the annoying disruptive stuff will probably have less of an impact.

If the expectations and needs for regular daily contact are excessive, the shit Life throws at you will always be an issue.

Set boundaries with each other, with yourselves, and with the people who absorb your time like sponges. It doesn't make you any less Master and/or slave of the month material... it makes you healthy functioning adults who respect and love each other.

exactly, everything you said is everything i've tried to explain to Him since this all started. that we were just lucky that we had that much time to talk on the phone. that life hadn't happened like this, we got lucky. but now, it's not like that anymore and though we may not spend nearly as much time on the phone as we used to, that doesn't change who we are to each other, or our love for each other. things change, and you either have to go with the flow, or get taken under.......ya know??

 

[catalina_francisco]

exactly, everything you said is everything i've tried to explain to Him since this all started. that we were just lucky that we had that much time to talk on the phone. that life hadn't happened like this, we got lucky. but now, it's not like that anymore and though we may not spend nearly as much time on the phone as we used to, that doesn't change who we are to each other, or our love for each other. things change, and you either have to go with the flow, or get taken under.......ya know??

Partly true, but then you also cannot allow others to step in and dominate your time at the expense of your relationship. I know I will not be popular with some for saying it, but this is one of the things I have mentioned before about the relationship you want and I could never explain it well enough to be understood. It is about making hard decisions about what you want and sticking to them. Life does happen, but you have both been on this path for 4 years and it is understandable it is not going to seem a positive step to now pull back on the time you spent communicating one on one, especially when that time is now being given to someone else. If you were early in the relationship I could see it as a point which could be negotiated and discussed, but after so long I can see why it might appear as if things are going backward or downhill to MP and you, rose.

As you have said, you also are depressed.....depression is not helped by puting added pressure on yourself and sacrificing what has been a mainstay in your life for so long. Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking those we love and are close to should understand and deal with their own stresses while we cater to those of someone else who is not as important to us when we look at it realistically. The reason we do that to those closest is because we think we can whereas the friend knocking on the door might not be as understanading as the one we love, and make us feel uncomfortable. That does not make it right, especially if the loved one bares their soul and tells you what is happening for them and why they need your attention and support. If you were living together, would you pack up and leave when a friend was in need and expect MP to be waiting for you when you return no matter how long that takes? Would you be happy if he did the same to you? These are the questions which help clarify what is most important to you.

I know it is not easy, but it is life and part of entering this type relationship means taking into account that life (as others see it) is going to continue to happen around you. I don't tend to think of life as being an excuse to pull back on our relationship because for us, our relationship and the style it is, is not a role but is part of that life, not seperate from it and something to be put aside when the going gets tough...no more than a vanila couple would do the same...it is just a part of the whole. Hang in there and know this is going to help you both define what it is you want from the choice you have made to be together.

Catalina

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Another $.02 (US) worth - maybe less...

What CutieMouse and Catalina have said about setting your priorities and your boundaries seems to me to be right on the money. While we don't know your friend's situation, if she's the type of person we would expect to be your best friend, she can and will understand that you can only give her a certain amount of your time and energy before it begins damaging what you hope, plan and expect to be your lifetime partnership. I would think it would be appropriate at this point for you and MP to (figuratively) sit down and make a decision about how much more of your time you can give before you have to return to your life. You haven't said how long you have been staying with her to help her deal with her issues, but it has obviously been long enough to have already had an effect on your relationship with MP.

You made a comment about having to go with the flow, or be taken under... but the fact is, "the flow" right now has the potential to take that relationship under. When one is caught in a raging river, one doesn't try to swim upstream unless they're a salmon, nor does one who wishes to survive surrender to the current. Instead, one must swim at an angle toward the shore, where the flow is somewhat diminished and the opportunity to climb out and survive is realistic. It is time for you and MP to make a realistic survival plan: one that will allow you to help your friend - to a point - and allow you to return to your life.

I realize that some may think my viewpoint is cold regarding your friend - that I believe you should set a point at which you will say, "I'm sorry, but I've given all I have to give, and I have to stop now." IMNSHO, however, if she is as good a friend as you are, she will know, accept and embrace the fact that you cannot save her from her issues by sacrificing yourself and your relationship with MP. If not...

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I'm sorry, rose. I know you two do communicate. And I realize you were talking a lot and now you are still talking, just less.

Is it just a matter of adjusting, or are you two in disagreement over how you allocate your time?

We all want to see you two succeed.

it's not a disagreement i would have to say it's a matter of adjusting to things changing. you hit the nail on the head and i didn't realize it 'til now. that is exactly it. things have been one way for almost 4 years, and now things have changed and it's hard to adjust and hard for me to find that balance.......if that makes sense

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Another $.02 (US) worth - maybe less...

What CutieMouse and Catalina have said about setting your priorities and your boundaries seems to me to be right on the money. While we don't know your friend's situation, if she's the type of person we would expect to be your best friend, she can and will understand that you can only give her a certain amount of your time and energy before it begins damaging what you hope, plan and expect to be your lifetime partnership. I would think it would be appropriate at this point for you and MP to (figuratively) sit down and make a decision about how much more of your time you can give before you have to return to your life. You haven't said how long you have been staying with her to help her deal with her issues, but it has obviously been long enough to have already had an effect on your relationship with MP.

You made a comment about having to go with the flow, or be taken under... but the fact is, "the flow" right now has the potential to take that relationship under. When one is caught in a raging river, one doesn't try to swim upstream unless they're a salmon, nor does one who wishes to survive surrender to the current. Instead, one must swim at an angle toward the shore, where the flow is somewhat diminished and the opportunity to climb out and survive is realistic. It is time for you and MP to make a realistic survival plan: one that will allow you to help your friend - to a point - and allow you to return to your life.

I realize that some may think my viewpoint is cold regarding your friend - that I believe you should set a point at which you will say, "I'm sorry, but I've given all I have to give, and I have to stop now." IMNSHO, however, if she is as good a friend as you are, she will know, accept and embrace the fact that you cannot save her from her issues by sacrificing yourself and your relationship with MP. If not...

my best friend would never dream of breaking me and Sir up she would tell me to go and be with Him and stop my time with her if she knew she were the reason we were splitting, we're not though and i know we will make it through this. we have come too far not to. you have made some very valid points as has cat and cutie mouse.

i have been staying here quite a while, but her issues is not the only reason i've been here. i live alone, i hate living alone. here at her house there are lots of people, and we are constantly doing something. when i'm at home, i sit at home, in front of the compute, on the phone and that's ALL i do. i'm making myself sound really bad here and i'm not trying to, it's just hard to explain. things here ARE slowing down and my friend and i have alot planned for the summer BUT we will be staying at my house most of the time so things should start getting easier.

this family just keeps getting hit after hit. i think i posted about it somewhere on this board but in the last two months they have been through Hell, and luckily Master is understanding and for the most part has adjusted, but somewhere along the line He feels that the dynamic of our relationship has been lost, and i guess i'd have to agree with Him.

airiing all this our here is hard, and i'm not able to give all of the details because there is just too much. but i will assure everyone that we will make it through this. our bond and love is way too strong not to. we've been through hell and back worse than what's going on now, and we're still here, so i'm not scared about that, i just really really don't know how to balance my life and with the depression showing up again and i'm not able to express that to Him until i'm already in that black hole it's just hard.......now i've got alot to think about, all of you have given me alot to think about and made some really really good points....so thanks again.......

 

[MasterPhoenix]

my best friend would never dream of breaking me and Sir up she would tell me to go and be with Him and stop my time with her if she knew she were the reason we were splitting, we're not though and i know we will make it through this. we have come too far not to. you have made some very valid points as has cat and cutie mouse.

i have been staying here quite a while, but her issues is not the only reason i've been here. i live alone, i hate living alone. here at her house there are lots of people, and we are constantly doing something. when i'm at home, i sit at home, in front of the compute, on the phone and that's ALL i do. i'm making myself sound really bad here and i'm not trying to, it's just hard to explain. things here ARE slowing down and my friend and i have alot planned for the summer BUT we will be staying at my house most of the time so things should start getting easier.

this family just keeps getting hit after hit. i think i posted about it somewhere on this board but in the last two months they have been through Hell, and luckily Master is understanding and for the most part has adjusted, but somewhere along the line He feels that the dynamic of our relationship has been lost, and i guess i'd have to agree with Him.

airiing all this our here is hard, and i'm not able to give all of the details because there is just too much. but i will assure everyone that we will make it through this. our bond and love is way too strong not to. we've been through hell and back worse than what's going on now, and we're still here, so i'm not scared about that, i just really really don't know how to balance my life and with the depression showing up again and i'm not able to express that to Him until i'm already in that black hole it's just hard.......now i've got alot to think about, all of you have given me alot to think about and made some really really good points....so thanks again.......

And we need that dynamic....

 

[catalina_francisco]

Rose, don't you think that your depression returning at this moment might be trying to tell you something? Is it possible it is your body's reaction to you overloading yourself, taking on another's life and problems (and sorry that is what I see it as especially when you say you hate being alone and have planned out your summer with your friend, not MP), and basically putting aside your own life and plans in perhaps what might be an effort to ascape your own reality and making decisions in connection with that. From personal experience I know it is often so easy to take on another's problems and feel good about being what they think of as a lifesaver, while your own life races out of control unhindered by you, your own problems pushed under the carpet so you don't have to think about them.

Having a friend is great, but I think perhaps it is going beyond simple friendship and a friend in need if you have planned out your summer together knowing how much MP is hurting and feeling left out, pushed aside. Dare I say wake up girl before it is too late?!! It sort of reminds me of the time I spoke of once before when we were trying to get our crap together to live in the same placxe and getting nowhere quick and a Dom telling me straight out that if I really wanted to be with F I would forget all the excuses and just go.....which I did and realised he was right. How is it you say you cannot be together for ages yet because of al the things that need to be arranged, and yet you can drop everything and arrange to move in together with your friend, her family, and all her problems? I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but sometimes we need that to wake us up...I know I did and I know it was the best thing I did....I managed to get the crap sorted out over time...maybe with a bit more difficulty, but it got done and we began our life together. This is your future you are talking about, not a girls slumber party night of fun. You cannot fix your friends life but you can fix your own.

Catalina

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Rose, don't you think that your depression returning at this moment might be trying to tell you something? Is it possible it is your body's reaction to you overloading yourself, taking on another's life and problems (and sorry that is what I see it as especially when you say you hate being alone and have planned out your summer with your friend, not MP), and basically putting aside your own life and plans in perhaps what might be an effort to ascape your own reality and making decisions in connection with that. From personal experience I know it is often so easy to take on another's problems and feel good about being what they think of as a lifesaver, while your own life races out of control unhindered by you, your own problems pushed under the carpet so you don't have to think about them.

Having a friend is great, but I think perhaps it is going beyond simple friendship and a friend in need if you have planned out your summer together knowing how much MP is hurting and feeling left out, pushed aside. Dare I say wake up girl before it is too late?!! It sort of reminds me of the time I spoke of once before when we were trying to get our crap together to live in the same placxe and getting nowhere quick and a Dom telling me straight out that if I really wanted to be with F I would forget all the excuses and just go.....which I did and realised he was right. How is it you say you cannot be together for ages yet because of al the things that need to be arranged, and yet you can drop everything and arrange to move in together with your friend, her family, and all her problems? I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but sometimes we need that to wake us up...I know I did and I know it was the best thing I did....I managed to get the crap sorted out over time...maybe with a bit more difficulty, but it got done and we began our life together. This is your future you are talking about, not a girls slumber party night of fun. You cannot fix your friends life but you can fix your own.

Catalina

no, the depression came on before all of this started happening, i've been off my meds for a while now. i know i cannot fix her life and i'm not trying to. i did not drop everything and arrange to move into her house, it's just something that happened. i made plans for the summer with my friend because she has kids. my kids and her kids play together. in years past i've done nothing with with my kids for the summer, this year we will be going to the lake, camping, etc....i see nothing wrong with that, and Master has no problem with it either. i would love to make Plans with Master but being that He is 2000 miles away, that's just not possible this summer.

as far as making excuses as to why we don't just drop everything and move in together now, well neither of us have the money for that. that is not an excuse, that IS our reality. i don't think what you were saying is harsh, i understand what you were saying, but that is where a huge difference lies in the way we live our lives cat. because if my dad was sick, and Master told me i could go be with Him, but i had to be back in a certain amount of time, i probably wouldn't go back at all. just like i won't turn my back on my best friend.

i need to find the balance...meaning i need to find a way to give both of them my time without making one of them feel less important, maybe that's not how most of you live the D/s lifestyle. i mean i know Master comes first, but ya know i'm not going to turn my back on a friend either. Master and i DO still talk, i do still give Him time, just not as much as i used to, and that is the problem, the adjustment to not being able to chat 24/7....

like i said, i don't think you were being harsh, and you know i respect your opinion and again it's given me alot to think about, but i'm not turning my back on either one of them and neither one of them want me to do that. they get along, they are friends also. i just need to learn how to balance my time with them...that's all......and i will......Master and i have been chatting most of the night. it's late here and i'm sorry if i'm not making sense...i'm gonna end this post here......