How do u help your girl get over a rape...

[kitsune_kun]

Hey y'all, I've read many threads on this site, all providing good insight, but this'll be my first post, since I generally don't have much to say....

Now to the point of this thread, the title says it all. But to give you a bit more blunt info... My girl's first bf raped her at knife point.... She managed to bring herself to date two other guys between me and that scum sucking ass-hole.... Both of them just used her, cus she hates saying the word "no" or an equivalent, if things go too fast or too far, cus it brings back flashbacks to her raping.... they left her when she managed to tell them to stop when they tried to go all the way, but she never could tell them to stop b4 that point.... needless to say, this puts me at a major disadvantage... But we've been dating now for almost three months, and in that time, we've since fallen fully in love.... ((we had strong feelings for e/o for over two years now.... jsut didn't know the other person did.... so we were simply very close friends, from b4 her raping...)) as such, I'm not asking how to get into her pants or anything like that, that'll come in due time.... or maybe never, it doesn't matter, that's not what I care about... I'm posting this cus I want to know if any1 out there has any ideas I can help her as far as her flash-backs, nightmares etc. go?... Any suggestions/ideas are more then welcome.

Thanks to any1 who reads this and chooses to answer.
Peace

Kitsune-Kun

 

[silverwhisper]

kitsune-kun:

first, a great question to ask and i commend you for asking it.

second, look at this thread. yes, it drifts off-topic now & again but it's worth the read.

ed

 

[kitsune_kun]

yeah, since posting this, I've read that thread a bit, and it has helped... And i'm glad to find out you all agree on the caring kindness loving and gentalness list.... since that's the way I've treated her, and was hoping it was the best...

Kitsune-kun

 

[kitsune_kun]

I just.... i care about her soo much, and it hurts me soo much to see her when she has a really bad flashback.... being there and knowing the only things I can do is hold her and tell her things will be okay... ((she tells me my doing so has helped... I don't think I'd be-able to stop if it didn't help unless she asked me to stop doing so...)) I just.... i feel soo, helpless... knowing she's afraid and hurting inside her head, and that i'm unable to help.... And she also doesn't like me being there when they do happen, cus she knows it hurts me to see her like that, and she always tells me when-ever they start when we talk via the phone that she'll "be okay, [she] has dealt with it alone often enough b4 that [she's] used to it..."

Kitsune-kun

 

[silverwhisper]

i know it hurts not to be able to help someone you care about. it's a very hard position to be in and i hated it too.

this is a copy & paste of something i wrote elsewhere:

like many men i suspect, i've known women who were raped. i know all manner of people, some close. the rapes occurred either when the women were adults or in some cases when they were children.

now, as most folks know, men generally respond very strongly to someone they know having been raped. it fills most men w/ rage and the incredibly-powerful desire to kill. and gentlemen, we need to be aware of something:

that doesn't help.

if a woman tells you that, she needs you be supportive. what she has told you is a difficult thing. if you confided to a girlfriend that you were having trouble w/ impotence and she reacted with anger, that wouldn't be real helpful, would it? hell, no! and that's kinda the point.

she needs to know that you still care about her, that her having been raped doesn't diminish her, that it doesn't somehow make her bad, and most importantly, that it wasn't her fault.

i've been the angry guy. and you know something? that didn't help the person who told me. she came looking for a friend and i let her down. do you know just how small you'll feel if you're ever in that situation? no? good, because i don't want you to. but believe me, it's mighty, mighty small.

 

[emap]

Huh go figure silverwhisper said the right thing at some point.

Now I think really the only thing you can do is to be there for her, be helping, supportive, understanding, and loving. Getting over a rape doesn't actually happen, and there is no way to speed it up, at least not in a boyfriend-girlfriend sense of things. To get her to a fully operative working girl again, well that is up to her, though learning martial arts does seem to help. Partly because well, you can picture his face in front of you when you punch or kick, boxing is a really good one to pick I think, I mean you beat the tar out of those bags all the time, gotta be helpful.

I do want to say that she really has to see a physchiatrist if she isn't already. Her having a problem saying no is something I share with her, I dislike saying no to sex, don't do it very often. Of course I've not been raped either, strong right hook and actually saying it on occassion helps there. However, since she has a problem saying no at all, she needs to address that if she isn't already since in her mind, it is her fault.

Note: Above last bit is my own presumption, I don't know if she said it at any point or not.

If she didn't, she is going through her own version of hell. If she did, well she is going through a slighter nicer version of hell.

Now i must make a comment now, and I am sure all of you guys are going to cross your legs, but here goes anyway. I really think the US should go back to before there were whiteys in the country. The native's had a really wonderful method of keeping rapes down to one in a decade or less. They take the rapist, strap him down nude with his dick sitting on a rock. Hand rocks to every woman in the tribe, who then go up and hit his dick with the rock once. His victim is allowed to go up and hit his dick as often as she wants to. Or a member of her family if she is unable or unwilling to go out there.

Needless to say, he generally is unable of peeing standing up anymore after, let alone engaging in sex, forced or otherwise. Oh and all of the men in the village get to watch. Yes cruel and inhumane, though rape is alot worse in the cruel and inhumane department.

 

[silverwhisper]

nevermind.

 

[kitsune_kun]

Huh go figure silverwhisper said the right thing at some point.

Now I think really the only thing you can do is to be there for her, be helping, supportive, understanding, and loving. Getting over a rape doesn't actually happen, and there is no way to speed it up, at least not in a boyfriend-girlfriend sense of things. To get her to a fully operative working girl again, well that is up to her, though learning martial arts does seem to help. Partly because well, you can picture his face in front of you when you punch or kick, boxing is a really good one to pick I think, I mean you beat the tar out of those bags all the time, gotta be helpful.

I do want to say that she really has to see a physchiatrist if she isn't already. Her having a problem saying no is something I share with her, I dislike saying no to sex, don't do it very often. Of course I've not been raped either, strong right hook and actually saying it on occassion helps there. However, since she has a problem saying no at all, she needs to address that if she isn't already since in her mind, it is her fault.

Note: Above last bit is my own presumption, I don't know if she said it at any point or not.

If she didn't, she is going through her own version of hell. If she did, well she is going through a slighter nicer version of hell.

Now i must make a comment now, and I am sure all of you guys are going to cross your legs, but here goes anyway. I really think the US should go back to before there were whiteys in the country. The native's had a really wonderful method of keeping rapes down to one in a decade or less. They take the rapist, strap him down nude with his dick sitting on a rock. Hand rocks to every woman in the tribe, who then go up and hit his dick with the rock once. His victim is allowed to go up and hit his dick as often as she wants to. Or a member of her family if she is unable or unwilling to go out there.

Needless to say, he generally is unable of peeing standing up anymore after, let alone engaging in sex, forced or otherwise. Oh and all of the men in the village get to watch. Yes cruel and inhumane, though rape is alot worse in the cruel and inhumane department.

I know she'll never truly "get over it" ((i was sexually molested when i was kid... I'm well aware of all that... I simply never had any1 there for me, so i simply posted this in hopes people could give suggestions in ways I can there for her etc.)) She IS seeing a pshyciatrist.... and yes she DOES blame herself.... not only for the rape, but also since she waited too long to press charges for the ass-hole to go to jail, since at that point there "wasn't enough evidence to condemn an outstanding youth of the community" to quote the DA.... The martial arts thing would help... except she's a complete pacifist.... which is why this happened... since she had taken self-defense courses in the time b4 it had, ((per my request as a friend....)) and yes she said "no" and "stop" during it.. which is why it brings back flash-backs....

Kitsune-Kun

P.S. As far as the native american part goes, i'm about 3/16ths or just over an 8th native american so, I'm in full support there.

 

[silverwhisper]

kitsune-kun: some therapists offer what's usually called assertiveness training. consider looking into it.

ed

 

[kitsune_kun]

kitsune-kun: some therapists offer what's usually called assertiveness training. consider looking into it.

ed

alright, I will.

 

[SweetErika]

If she's not getting Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for assault and PTSD, she needs to immediately. Regular psychotherapy or counselling in this situation just won't do, I'm afraid. You can get referrals for therapists who do CBT for rape and PTSD through your local rape crisis center or hotline. In my case, even five years later, it was covered through the state crime victims compensation program, even though I only had a police report to go on. My point is that cost shouldn't be a concern because this is what she needs to have a life, and it will most likely be taken care of.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things for her, KK. I know you feel helpless, but you're doing all you can in supporting her through the flashbacks, therapy and making sure she gets the help she needs. The best thing my husband did is not leave me when the going got really tough and I was difficult to live with - he understood it wasn't me, but the PTSD, and had faith it would get better with time and therapy (and it has). He never complained when we didn't have sex for months or even a year on end, and comforted me through the emotional outburst when I insisted we try again and again. He always went at my pace, and watched for things that might be problematic, often being far more cautious than I was. I wouldn't have blamed him for leaving, and sometimes tried to get him to because he deserved better, but I really admire him for sticking it out.

Just keep being a good guy and supporting her in any way you can. I think doing some research on rape and PTSD is a good thing for loved ones to do; the better they can understand what's going on, the better they support us. You'll never really "get it," but you can have an idea of what to expect now and in the future.

 

[kitsune_kun]

If she's not getting Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for assault and PTSD, she needs to immediately. Regular psychotherapy or counselling in this situation just won't do, I'm afraid. You can get referrals for therapists who do CBT for rape and PTSD through your local rape crisis center or hotline. In my case, even five years later, it was covered through the state crime victims compensation program, even though I only had a police report to go on. My point is that cost shouldn't be a concern because this is what she needs to have a life, and it will most likely be taken care of.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things for her, KK. I know you feel helpless, but you're doing all you can in supporting her through the flashbacks, therapy and making sure she gets the help she needs. The best thing my husband did is not leave me when the going got really tough and I was difficult to live with - he understood it wasn't me, but the PTSD, and had faith it would get better with time and therapy (and it has). He never complained when we didn't have sex for months or even a year on end, and comforted me through the emotional outburst when I insisted we try again and again. He always went at my pace, and watched for things that might be problematic, often being far more cautious than I was. I wouldn't have blamed him for leaving, and sometimes tried to get him to because he deserved better, but I really admire him for sticking it out.

Just keep being a good guy and supporting her in any way you can. I think doing some research on rape and PTSD is a good thing for loved ones to do; the better they can understand what's going on, the better they support us. You'll never really "get it," but you can have an idea of what to expect now and in the future.

she's getting the cognative behavorial therapy for it... I just made sure of that... And as far as your experience and trying to get him to leave every now and then cus you feel he deserves better... she's done so as well.... She's always afraid I'm going to leave her, jsut like every1 else, except her family, has that she's told.... and she's told me more tehn any1 else... even her therapists.... she always asks why I choose to stay with her, why not some1 else who I could earn teh trust of far quicker.... and the simple truth is, she deserves better then me... I'm no prize, and she's the nicest, most caring, person i've ever met, has an amazing senes of humor, one of the most intteligent girls I've ever met, and at the bottom of my list may be looks, but she's the only girl who's ever stopped me in my tracks from there beauty when i first saw them.... and finally, I have been doing what research I could on rape and post-trauma syndrome.... tis jsut hard to find much... or at least, around here it is....

But thanks again to every1 who has posted, tis good to know this reallly is as supporting a community as i thought it was.

Kitsune_kun

 

[tbs230]

she needs to know that you still care about her, that her having been raped doesn't diminish her, that it doesn't somehow make her bad, and most importantly, that it wasn't her fault.
QUOTE]

silverwhisper, would you mind if I shared this in my blog, I never thought anyone would be able to put my feelings into words...but you have.

 

[silverwhisper]

tbs: be my guest. although i'd be curious to see your blog.

ed

 

[tbs230]

tbs: be my guest. although i'd be curious to see your blog.

ed

Thanks, when I write it, I'll send you the link.

 

[kitsune_kun]

assertiveness training

Well I talked with her about it.... right now she's against the idea, has "too much going on" she says... I think she simply doesn't want to spend more time with the therapists right now, which I udnerstand, and I won't pressure her to do anything she doesn't want to do. AKA, so much for that idea , (for now at least), but thanks for teh suggestion ed.

Kitsune-Kun

 

[kitsune_kun]

Well, I stayed at her place last night, spent the week-end with her pretty much, and this was the first night i know of she didn't wake up in the middle of the night due to night-mares or flash-backs.... So i take this as a good sign that everything is helping afterall, which obviously is a good thing.... I thank you guys for your suggestions once again, and since this thread seems dead, this'll be my last post to it, unless something else happens and I feel i need your guys's support again.

In grattitude
Kitsune-kun

 

[Lust Engine]

First off- it happened. Neither you nor anyone can change that.

The best thing is exactly what a lot of people here have already said- let her know how much you care. Seek counseling if need be and keep her focused on the possibilities of the future and now what happened in the past.

With each passing day, hopefuly it gets better and she can put that horrid event "up on a shelf"- it'll always be there but she only needs to visit it at her disposal. That event doesn't need to run her life. Ask for support from other rape victims and see how they survived AND prospered (Oprah comes to mind as far as a prominent survivor!). And for you, ask the survivors' about their support group as well. They might have hints on helping you cope as well.

Good luck.

 

[kitsune_kun]

disappeared

well, 4 all of you who noticed, ((which prolly wasn't too many)) i disappeared from lit for a while there.... reason, my girl decided the long-distance wasn't going to work, and as such, broke up with me... She kind about it, and I knew it hurt her to say it, but she did... I hope she finds the guy she's looking for.... and now i just found out something from a friend that sorta fits this thread....

About a month ago one of my closest friends was raped... and she got pregnant from it.... She was gogin to try and hide it, and deliver it herself then take it to an orphanage.... ((she doesn't like abortions.... )) but, she was having weird affects from it, and went to the clinic to find out if somehting was wrong.... Turns out she was having serious complications from it..... if she hadn't gone, these complications would've jsut gotten worse, and in less then another 2 months would've killed her.... she goes in again friday to find out what can be done, and I'm like totally panicking here.... I mean, in all honesty, I've liked her as more then just a friend for almost two years now, just am certain she doesn't feel the same, and so have settled for treating her like a younger sister. My feelings for her are also the only ones that survived my last relationship... And i'm completely worrying about her. So my question is, i guess, how do i keep my cool enough to be supportive for her right now? Since i'm the only one who knows, she won't tell her mother, cus then her step-father would find out, a guy she's completely afraid of... And doesn't trust any of her othr friends enough to tell them this...

Kitsune-kun

 

[SweetErika]

well, 4 all of you who noticed, ((which prolly wasn't too many)) i disappeared from lit for a while there.... reason, my girl decided the long-distance wasn't going to work, and as such, broke up with me... She kind about it, and I knew it hurt her to say it, but she did... I hope she finds the guy she's looking for.... and now i just found out something from a friend that sorta fits this thread....

I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you were hoping.

About a month ago one of my closest friends was raped... and she got pregnant from it.... She was gogin to try and hide it, and deliver it herself then take it to an orphanage.... ((she doesn't like abortions.... )) but, she was having weird affects from it, and went to the clinic to find out if somehting was wrong.... Turns out she was having serious complications from it..... if she hadn't gone, these complications would've jsut gotten worse, and in less then another 2 months would've killed her.... she goes in again friday to find out what can be done, and I'm like totally panicking here....

I'm not a doctor, but the timeline seems completely off to me. I looked it up, and can't find any serious complications of pregnancy for the first trimester (if she was raped a month ago, any pregnancy from that would be at about 4 weeks now, and another 2 months would put her on the cusp of the first and second trimester). Maybe there's some really rare conditions that strike in the 1st, but something seems very off to me. Perhaps she just blamed the pregnancy on the rape, and was farther along than she thought or something? The other thing is, our bodies generally get rid of fetuses that are really unhealthy/going to cause problems early on on their own - at 4 weeks, how does she know she won't miscarry?

I mean, in all honesty, I've liked her as more then just a friend for almost two years now, just am certain she doesn't feel the same, and so have settled for treating her like a younger sister. My feelings for her are also the only ones that survived my last relationship... And i'm completely worrying about her. So my question is, i guess, how do i keep my cool enough to be supportive for her right now? Since i'm the only one who knows, she won't tell her mother, cus then her step-father would find out, a guy she's completely afraid of... And doesn't trust any of her othr friends enough to tell them this...

Kitsune-kun

Tread carefully here, Buddy. I have a feeling something else is going on. I don't think it'd be a bad idea to get her condition, then research it well. You could also offer to go to appointments to support her and help her find the help she needs in dealing with the rape. If she's under medical care, she'll be fine. If they can't do anything for this mysterious condition, she may have to have a medically necessary abortion, so you can be there for her through that (she'd at least need someone to take her to/from that appointment).

 

[silverwhisper]

kitsune-kun: i'm sorry your girlfriend broke up w/ you and i'm so sorry to hear about your friend.

i have to confess i have a fear that perhaps you're transferring some of your feelings for your gf to your friend.

ed

 

[kitsune_kun]

I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you were hoping.

I'm not a doctor, but the timeline seems completely off to me. I looked it up, and can't find any serious complications of pregnancy for the first trimester (if she was raped a month ago, any pregnancy from that would be at about 4 weeks now, and another 2 months would put her on the cusp of the first and second trimester). Maybe there's some really rare conditions that strike in the 1st, but something seems very off to me. Perhaps she just blamed the pregnancy on the rape, and was farther along than she thought or something? The other thing is, our bodies generally get rid of fetuses that are really unhealthy/going to cause problems early on on their own - at 4 weeks, how does she know she won't miscarry?


Tread carefully here, Buddy. I have a feeling something else is going on. I don't think it'd be a bad idea to get her condition, then research it well. You could also offer to go to appointments to support her and help her find the help she needs in dealing with the rape. If she's under medical care, she'll be fine. If they can't do anything for this mysterious condition, she may have to have a medically necessary abortion, so you can be there for her through that (she'd at least need someone to take her to/from that appointment).

I go back with her in a week. but for all I know she could be pregnant from sometiem earlier in the year, but is afraid to admit it. that's possible, and if so, tis her choice to not be willing to admit to it yet. or she might be telling th truth about when it happened, but she couldv'e given ME the wrong timeline, or she could've gotten the wrong one herself. Cus i've also been looking things up, and yur rihgt, tis very uncommon, unless there was also alot of added damage to the uterus itself during the raping she hasn't been comfortible to admit to yet. ((caused by those who are into getting the pain aspect from there victims... I know that can happen, adn as such CAn cause complications.... but it would affect any and all future pregnancies as well)) All i know is that thre IS more to this story then she's told me soo far, i have no illusions about that. I simply trust she'll tell me in time.

And i know u guys are just trying to watch out for me, and i appreciate it. And silver, don't worry too much.... I sepperate emotions EXTREMELY well, ((tis sorta a self defense mechansim i've created in response to the fact that since my 11th b-day 2 people i've cared alot about have dided every year....)), and i'm not saying i don't still think about my ex from time to time, and even miss her, cus I do, but I am quite certain I'm not pressing any feelings from girl onto friend. I know there are some obvious similarities.... but I'm very sry to say that 8 out of 10 girls I'm friends with... ahve all been raped in teh last year.... I've currently got a brace on my right hand from when i fractured my middle finger due to punching a brick wall too many time recently for that reason...

 

[SweetErika]

How old is this new girl?

 

[kitsune_kun]

just turned 18 earlier tis month.... was 17 when the raping occured.

 

[SweetErika]

just turned 18 earlier tis month.... was 17 when the raping occured.

I asked because trying to hide a pregnancy, deliver the baby yourself and give it away is a very immature and ill-conceived plan. Of course it's dangerous for the mother, but more than that, it's likely to result in an unhealthy, or even dead, child. To hide it, she'd need to keep her weight down (or gain a ton quickly, which is just as bad) and avoid prenatal care, robbing the baby of the things it needs to be healthy. Delivering alone is something only a person with the maturity of a child would consider an option.

If I were you, I'd be her friend and supportive, but not even consider a relationship. If she's not mature enough to put another life first, she's not ready for romantic relationships or sexual activity. If you don't want to start a relationship that's doomed from the start, keep it platonic. Perhaps she'll grow up in the next few years; at least I hope so.

I know you're young, but you need to keep an eye on yourself and look for patterns in your attractions and relationships now. Everyone has issues, but if you find most of the people you're drawn to (even male friends) have a history of major problems, be it a bad childhood, abuse, assault/rape, or similar, you may be what's commonly called a "rescuer" and have trouble carrying on healthy, fulfilling, successful relationships.

It's fixable with awareness and work (no, you wouldn't become an uncaring jerk who can't deal with people who have problems, you'd just become someone who can do it in a healthy way), especially if you catch it sooner rather than later, when you've established patterns and see it as normal. I'm not saying this is the case for you, but it sounds like it's something you'll want to watch out for and look into since you recognize you're attracted to similar people, and those people have major problems.