How do I play this game? (A plea)

[Malcis]

I mean this in a more serious way. I'm really not pleased with the fact that I've ended up here, writing this post, however, I also want a second opinion.

Called me cliched, but, I'm a guy, 20 years old, and I have some of the worst social skills I have ever seen. I can be a mess in real life, intensely agonizing over every word I say. Yeah, yeah, I know, sucks to be me.

But that's not really what's setting me off, is it? So some insight into my personal life, I've tried a hand or two with some online dating stuff, thus far, Tinder and okcupid, basic stuff. I've since come to the conclusion there's not a girl my age in 30 miles that even wants to look at me. Dramatic, right? I just feel really disheartened, off-put, and quite frankly, kinda lonely.

So why is this? I'm guessing I have two options here, either my face is frightening people off, or my writing is coming off as far too restrained and cordial given the situation. I'm sorry that I don't want to come flying out of the gates, firing all cylinders. I like being a slow burn kind of guy, but it's gotten me precisely nowhere.

This is also where I have trouble. I hate asking for help, because I hate sounding like a sob story. But please, I'd like to at least figure something out about myself. Cheers

 

[unregistered]

 

[Bramblethorn]

Be yourself and go places you want to go. My friends and I are drawn to passionate men. I like to watch men doing something they love, and that could be anywhere from playing a sport to D&D. It could be comic-con, it could be poker night, it could be volunteering at a shelter or Habitat for Humanity. Get out there and so things you truly enjoy. You'll be more comfortable, hopefully. If you're faking to impress, it will come across as such.

I was about to give the same advice. It boosts the chances of meeting somebody who has things in common with you, and even on the days where you don't find a partner, at least you're doing something fun and don't have to feel like you've wasted your time.

 

[Malcis]

Thanks, means a lot to hear from other people.

But if there was one thing I wish I could have, it would be knowing what they thought. To date, I have messaged a number of potential matches on OkCupid, just introducing myself. Out of the 10 I'm certain have seen my message, I've yet to get so much as a hello in return. It's hard to ascertain what to do when I don't get any feedback, one way, or another...

 

[unregistered]

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I get the same appeal from plenty of women, and my response is this: Go to the places men go....boat shows, gun shows, car shows, etc. You don't gotta be a marine biologist to go fishing. My son met his wife while teaching a firearm safety course. Plenty of women meet men while taking other kinds of courses. I met my wife at a Laundromat.

I discourage bars and churches.

Beyond the above be clean and groomed, wear appropriate clothes and shoes, be friendly. Be sober. I bring books with me.

 

[unregistered]

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Clever trick, JBJ.

You wanna get the idea across that youre interesting but not dangerous. I recommend the new Norman Lear memoir.

 

[Malcis]

I suppose my problem is that I'm too timid, even posting online, even though I guess it could make more sense going all in at the start, rather than hoping they bite. I've preferred to stick to something simple, just a basic hello, because, like I said above, I feel weird front loading a potential conversation.

 

[Bramblethorn]

If you want to get a reply from a woman on a dating site, send her something that shows you've read her profile and paid attention. Because there are guys out there who will take a shotgun approach, spamming the same message to hundreds of women in the hope that one of them will reply, and women have to do a lot of filtering to get through those guys to the ones who might be worth their time.

So not just "hi" but something like "Hi, I'm Bob, I like old movies so when I saw your favourites list I thought I'd say hello".

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I suppose my problem is that I'm too timid, even posting online, even though I guess it could make more sense going all in at the start, rather than hoping they bite. I've preferred to stick to something simple, just a basic hello, because, like I said above, I feel weird front loading a potential conversation.

Many years ago a friend and I stopped by my aunts house, she wasn't home but her babysitter was. So we went inside and my friend was immediately smitten by her, she was lovely. But he wouldn't make a move. So on the way to his house he kept making excuses not to turn around or call her. I then stopped at a store, used their phone, called her, asked her out, and she said yes.

 

[unregistered]

 

[unregistered]

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

So, you were a jerk to your friend?

My friend wasted an opportunity and I grabbed it. He was ascared and I wasn't.

 

[Malcis]

Sounds like something one of my friends would do. He's gotten after me quite a few times for being too timid. I'm trying to get better about it, so I'm working at it from multiple angles.

 

[Hypoxia]

The way to meet people is to be where people are. The way to meet people you might like is to be where people do things you're interested in. Some of this advice was already given. Join social groups - political, religious, hobbyist, artistic, athletic, whatever. Go to gatherings, and mingle, and talk. Take or give classes. The more hands-on the gatherings, the better.

All these tactics have two pre-reqs: 1) you have interests that can be shared, and 2) you're willing to physically be somewhere (other than in front of a computer). Encounters require footwork. Step out into the world. It won't come looking for you. Good luck!

 

[unregistered]

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

So, yes then, a jerk. To your friend.

Faint heart etc

 

[Que]

A wingman helps. I travel without one so I just grab whoever is handy on the fly.

To get one just start talking to whomever. If it's a dud of a conversation move on. Talking to dudes is good practice for talking to people, and guess what? Chicks are people too.

Even if you are barely talking to some guy, try this. A cute girl walks by, introduce her to your brand-new friend. The odds of it working are slim to none, but your new friend will appreciate the effort and it will amuse the girl. It is a much lower emotional-investment move because you aren't even offering yourself up.

A more lesbian than Bi friend of mine wants me to take her brother out and get him laid next time I am in town. She is under the false impression that I am good with women simply because she sees me talking to lots of them. You don't have to be brilliant at it. Just open your mouth and start talking to them. Or at them. Or near them. Start somewhere.

Online sucks. Even for a handsome man such as myself. I don't bother.

I am sure that some people go on actual dates and maybe even get laid from some sort of online interaction. If a woman is sincerely interested in something physical today, she has someone already she can turn to, or she can walk into any bar and throw a rock.

If she just would like some validation, some guys messaging her, telling her she is pretty, she can get all that without a single keystroke back.

 

[Malcis]

So, slightly on topic additional question. Let's say, for the sake of argument, I do get an actual response from one of them, and we engage in a modicum of small talk. It seems to be going amicably. Then, suddenly silence, she just doesn't respond. Now, I know for a fact she's seen my message(s) since I've posted them, is it standard operating to just bail on a conversation in the middle of it?

I'm just left with no closure, and no idea how much, if any, I should pursue this...

 

[unregistered]

 

[Kalamain]

One thing that nobody has mentioned yet...

RELAX!

If you are all tensed up and scared and falling over yourself you won't get far. Talk to him/her as a friend and not expecting a second date. Have fun....If its going to work you will see them again.
This is one of the best reasons, as stated by others, why you should join a club you enjoy. You will be relaxed and not there only to get someone. Your having fun will make you look more attractive because you are smiling, relaxed and happy.

Also the problem with online dating and all that is that unless you get a good conversation going pretty fast it may peter off to nothing or they may get sidetracked.

This is where the real world can be better (Not always though)

Good luck!

 

[SunDevilGirl]

So, slightly on topic additional question. Let's say, for the sake of argument, I do get an actual response from one of them, and we engage in a modicum of small talk. It seems to be going amicably. Then, suddenly silence, she just doesn't respond. Now, I know for a fact she's seen my message(s) since I've posted them, is it standard operating to just bail on a conversation in the middle of it?

I'm just left with no closure, and no idea how much, if any, I should pursue this...

So she stopped replying to the small talk? Then enough with the small talk...engage her with something interesting! Ask her questions. Tell her something about you.

Send her another message about something new. Be smart. Be funny. You've shown you can communicate here. You have nothing to lose.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

You have two numbers-related problems before you even get to the content of your messages, which from the way you write here probably do come off as lacking self-confidence.

1) You're a 20 year old man in America. Sorry, dude, you are the least datable adult male age. Women younger than you either want a guy the same age or one 21+. Women older than you definitely want someone over 21 so they don't have to worry about not going the places they want to go because you're too young to get in.. Blame US drinking laws. The good news is, this will fix itself in no more than 360 days.

2) You messaged 10 people and are ready to give up because you haven't heard anything back. Oh, man. Have you ever considered what the experience is like for women the age you're probably considering on sites like OkC? They're probably receiving 10 messages a day, increased by a factor of 3 or 4 if they have sexy pictures. You know OkCupid tracks all their data and writes about interesting findings on their official blog, right? Take a look at this:

http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/page/12/

And think about how many messages the women you're trying to connect with are getting. They may not dislike you, they just don't like you as much as they do 3 or 4 other fellows who messaged them this week with interesting things to say about their profiles and interesting profiles of their own.

 

[DesEsseintes]

There are two basic strategies, and it depends on what you want. I'd call them spawning and laying, so as to get that zeitgeisty sociobiological vibe about my theories that all the best Buzzfeed imitators love.

1) Spawning - you hit every club and bar in town on a rota, and hit on every woman in the place. I mean every. Old, fat, married, lesbian. Do the same online. If you get a rejection rate of 99.9% it will still mean you get lucky at some point if you are dedicated enough - and, crucially, if all you want is to get laid.

2) Laying - be precise. As many others have said, hobbies/outside interests not only mean you are doing something you enjoy anyway, and any female interest is a bonus rather than the entire purpose of the exercise - they also mean that if you do meet someone they are more likely to be compatible, since they share at least one interest. This takes more effort and possible even more time, but it will work if your aim is to meet a partner, and not just a temporary relief.

Oh - there is a 3rd - sticking with the animal theme, we could call it peacocking, but there are masses of books and websites out there whcih will go into more detail, and they refer to it as being a PUA (Pick-Up Artist). It's creepy, it's based on a half-understanding of an ill-evidenced theory called NLP, and it doesn't work on everyone, but it seems to work on a sufficient proportion of people that it might be worth investigating. Again, if all you want is sex.