How do I make up with my b/f?

[Derya]

I'm lost

I read through the whole thread and I remain as confused as hell; so I'm sure you and the boyfriend are in the same state.

There is a lot of good suggestions and thoughts for introspection expressed here greater than my thoughts probably on this because again I am having trouble following the issue you question between you and the boyfriend.

Primarily though it seems to me the communication between you both is more what is the underlying real hurdle because it sounds like limitations in this area that got you guys frustrated with the use or not of cybering in your play and in the trying to settle where are you at with each other. And though you mention you all set some boundaries as in 'won't do with telling one another' really it seems like you didn't communicate on this too well with each other.

my thoughts forget about cybering (I can't follow how it became the issue it is but easier to just forget it)
as others said talk in person with emotions and visual signals and tone and ability to show what you care about to share your apology if so desired or you feel is still needed to be conveyed and hear his concerns
hopefully you all are not just lost over this hurdle so then focus on how you together improve communication = better for sex and every dang thing else

 

[njlauren]

I just noticed this one and I agree with another poster, I think the root problem is that there wasn't clearness with what you were doing, there were assumptions and implied things, and it blew up. In the end, you ended up assuming it was okay to do one more cyber session when he had basically said he wasn't comfortable with it. If I was in his position, I think what I would be feeling is that you didn't listen to what I had said and broke trust because you were turned on, and on top of that it also could be wondering where it would end, if it would go beyond cyber (again, talking for myself, not trying to say your BF would feel any or all of this). The worst thing for me in a relationship is to feel like I am ignored, I have read stories of threesomes and such where the parter/wife gets so tied up with the other person they basically ignore the husband, and it drives deep into me...

On a scale of things, I don't think this was a major transgression, but I think there is a lot of work that needs to be done, as they say about reputation, takes a lifetime to build it but a second to destroy it. Here are my thoughts, if you still need them (I hope you don't.

-In apologizing, emphasize the fact that there never was any intent to hurt him and that you did the last cyber thing because you assumed he would be okay with it, and then ended up assuming he would enjoy it, and in the end accidentally cuckolded him. You need to make very clear you didn't want to do that, don't want to do it, that that is showing disrespect you never intended, that it happened because you simply fucked up and assumed he would be into it, rather than listening to you, that it was a stupid mistake but an honest one. I wouldn't put it as the old "I am so sorry, I never meant to hurt you" (which sounds like what you did was deliberate), I would say something like "I fucked up, I assumed you were okay, you weren't, and I ended up hurting you in the process, and that makes it twice as bad" (it is a double apology, for going too far and hurting him; the first excuse is that of the cheating wife saying "I never meant to hurt you", which implies she isn't sorry for cheating....).

-Going forward, if there is going to be anything outside the marriage, like cyber or texting or flirting up to sex outside the marriage, doesn't matter, you need clear guidelines and rules, that both have to agree to. More importantly, you both should have some sort of circuit breaker, maybe even a safeword, where if something is going on bothering the other person, you immediately stop doing it and talk. In your example, you went ahead because you didn't realize he was saying no, you assumed he might be okay with it. If he had used his safeword to say "no more of this", you couldn't make that mistake, that says I am upset, stop, we need to talk (same for you).

-Like the others, I would suggest you guys focus on communication and honesty and reconnecting, and keep the extra stuff on the sidelines. With extra stuff, whether it is relative innocuous like playing online, or 'real' stuff, it takes two people who understand each other, the rules, and are willing to drop it at a moments notice if they think it is hurting the other person.

I wish you luck, I would love to know how it turned out