How do I make up with my b/f?

[goodytwoshoesinmo]

Once again, I messed up things with my boyfriend. I agreed to do some cybers. I did so cause we both were having fun arranging them and he even helped me doing one of them when I got stumped. Then after two of them, he told me no more...he felt I wasn't enjoying them. I like a fool, said no...no..let me do the last one. I did this cause I really thought it was fun doing it as a joint thing.

I have to add one fact in here. The second cyber I did, I had him on the phone but he couldn't see nor really know what was going on. In fact, in retrospect, it appeared like I ignored him. He wanted off the phone but I didn't want to hang up....only cause I selfishly felt like I needed to hear his voice for me to get thru doing the cyber. His voice calms me. Really, in the end, it was a cuckold to him. It wasn't what I meant, I wasn't thinking clearly obviously.

I apologized for making him stay on the phone with me later that day. I felt horrible as he wanted off the phone and was upset with me afterwards over it. I still didn't put 2 +2 together even at that point to =cuckolding. He mentioned it to me several days later. I was shocked at my actions looking back at it.

A few days later, I did a quick cyber with a guy while my b/f was on the phone with me. My b/f gave me a few tips as I was doing it. We laughed about it...we were enjoying that time. We had a list of names waiting to cyber with me. I told him that list was for a future use (it asked for a specific kind of cyber session). Then we talked about it, and he said it appeared that I DID enjoy it. That I should be able to do one without him around...(he wasn't going to be around that night). I had told him I don't feel comfortable doing them without him around. It goes to my being loyal. I am loyal to a fault. I then asked him if he was sure he'd be ok with that (doing one without him with me). I made the mistake of not being very specific for it being for THAT night/cyber.

That night he managed to call me....and when I told him I'm not doing one that night...and that I wasn't going to take from the existing list of names....I wanted to use names from a previous ad. Somehow he then thought I would just cyber with anyone...and not tell him now that I have the ok from him. We had agreed months prior that we'd never do something without the other knowing. How that change in perception happened, I'm not sure.

Anyway, I created this mess cause I didn't stop when he suggested we stop. I said things just to make him pleased, without regard for what I truly wanted/didn't want. I cuckhold'd him without even realizing I was doing it.

I dug my hole deeper deeper by waffling and going back and forth to, 'I do want to do it, to no I don't want to,' etc. Then I had the audacity to blame him. I blamed him for something he was willing to stop, but I didn't listen.

Now he's not even talking to me. I think cause I lied about liking it, then not liking it, going back and forth so much, it can make anyone's head spin..and then blaming him. I've written to him apologizing..but so far no luck.

So I am coming here for advice on how to fix this ? Or if I can?

And of course, I want to make a public apology.

Honey, I am sooo sorry for all the hurt and angst I've caused. I know honesty is the most important trait to you and I failed in this respect regarding our sexual likes and desires. Please forgive me and reconnect with me? I love you sooo much.

D.

 

[Lord Pmann]

*scratches head*

I don't understand what happened.

 

[goodytwoshoesinmo]

Basically it comes down to I lied to him about my desires, and I blamed him for it...and I cuckold'd him without even realizing it.

I love this man with all of my heart and feel awful. But I didn't straight up admit what I did wrong..and in fact, continued with the waffling when I was trying to explain myself to him about what happened the day before.

I need help....desperately.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

He see's whats up your skirt, and doesn't like the view. Lipstick on it aint gonna help.

Part of you loves him, and part of you wants to cuck him. You got work to do.

 

[goodytwoshoesinmo]

He see's whats up your skirt, and doesn't like the view. Lipstick on it aint gonna help.

Part of you loves him, and part of you wants to cuck him. You got work to do.

I do NOT want to cuck him!! What is the work that would help here? That's the advice I need.

And I love him a LOT.

BTW, I never even heard of cuckold till I met him. I am a very loyal person...to a fault..so the idea of cucking anyone is just so foreign to my mind. It's not my style.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Come clean. Open up. Tell him where you went wrong.

 

[goodytwoshoesinmo]

Come clean. Open up. Tell him where you went wrong.

I think I did in an email last night. But reading my post here....I am even more clear. I kept the bs up even while trying to explain myself away....like an idiot. I don't know that I told him that part clearly.

I just hope I didn't lose him for good. We've been together for over a year, not without bumps in the road, but this is a BIG one.

 

[subwannabe]

Time to move on. That's what boyfriends and girlfriends are for - try em out and finally keep the one in the end (hopefully). It has to be a two way street though. If he has written you off then, like I said, it's time to move on. Women in particular have this fantasy about being with their first love for the rest of their lives, no matter what. You always want to work on the relationship even when it is obvious that someone isn't right for you. In a way a lot of women are lazy in that they would rather work on a current relationship than be back at square one. That's fine if you are with the right one and the relationship is worth working on but often times that is not the case. Don't turn into a stalker woman who can't admit that the current relationship is over.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I do NOT want to cuck him!! What is the work that would help here? That's the advice I need.

And I love him a LOT.

BTW, I never even heard of cuckold till I met him. I am a very loyal person...to a fault..so the idea of cucking anyone is just so foreign to my mind. It's not my style.

I'm guiding you to the problem. Relax.

Yes, you love him, and yes you cucked him (or so your post says). So you have a conflict within you. Square peg, round hole.

Your work, for now, is recognizing your conflict, and accepting it exists.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Don't make excuses. And don't just say you're sorry because you're losing him. Take your time. Look at yourself. Look at the reason you behaved why you did. And don't ask for his forgiveness if you can't genuinely make the change you promise. That doesn't mean you won't struggle.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Time to move on. That's what boyfriends and girlfriends are for - try em out and finally keep the one in the end (hopefully). It has to be a two way street though. If he has written you off then, like I said, it's time to move on. Women in particular have this fantasy about being with their first love for the rest of their lives, no matter what. You always want to work on the relationship even when it is obvious that someone isn't right for you. In a way a lot of women are lazy in that they would rather work on a current relationship than be back at square one. That's fine if you are with the right one and the relationship is worth working on but often times that is not the case. Don't turn into a stalker woman who can't admit that the current relationship is over.

Lotta truth in what you say. Women don't seem to ever forget their first love. Or the man who made them orgasm first. Nor do men. I think about 3-4 gals a lot.

 

[goodytwoshoesinmo]

Time to move on. That's what boyfriends and girlfriends are for - try em out and finally keep the one in the end (hopefully). It has to be a two way street though. If he has written you off then, like I said, it's time to move on. Women in particular have this fantasy about being with their first love for the rest of their lives, no matter what. You always want to work on the relationship even when it is obvious that someone isn't right for you. In a way a lot of women are lazy in that they would rather work on a current relationship than be back at square one. That's fine if you are with the right one and the relationship is worth working on but often times that is not the case. Don't turn into a stalker woman who can't admit that the current relationship is over.

Sorry, I'm middle age. This is NOT my first love. Relationships take work and too many people just throw the towel in too easily. My last long term relationship lasted over a decade.

I don't believe it's over as he never quite said that. He just said 'Right now, he's just avoiding things. Sorry.' He knows me like no one else ever has (or will again)..and I think the same is visa versa. I don't think throwing love away is so easy and I don't think the that's the case here...yet...and I hope not.

 

[fire_breeze]

Once again, I messed up things with my boyfriend. I agreed to do some cybers. I did so cause we both were having fun arranging them and he even helped me doing one of them when I got stumped. Then after two of them, he told me no more...he felt I wasn't enjoying them. I like a fool, said no...no..let me do the last one. I did this cause I really thought it was fun doing it as a joint thing.

I have to add one fact in here. The second cyber I did, I had him on the phone but he couldn't see nor really know what was going on. In fact, in retrospect, it appeared like I ignored him. He wanted off the phone but I didn't want to hang up....only cause I selfishly felt like I needed to hear his voice for me to get thru doing the cyber. His voice calms me. Really, in the end, it was a cuckold to him. It wasn't what I meant, I wasn't thinking clearly obviously.

I apologized for making him stay on the phone with me later that day. I felt horrible as he wanted off the phone and was upset with me afterwards over it. I still didn't put 2 +2 together even at that point to =cuckolding. He mentioned it to me several days later. I was shocked at my actions looking back at it.

A few days later, I did a quick cyber with a guy while my b/f was on the phone with me. My b/f gave me a few tips as I was doing it. We laughed about it...we were enjoying that time. We had a list of names waiting to cyber with me. I told him that list was for a future use (it asked for a specific kind of cyber session). Then we talked about it, and he said it appeared that I DID enjoy it. That I should be able to do one without him around...(he wasn't going to be around that night). I had told him I don't feel comfortable doing them without him around. It goes to my being loyal. I am loyal to a fault. I then asked him if he was sure he'd be ok with me. I made the mistake of not being very specific for it being for THAT night/cyber.

That night he managed to call me....and when I told him I'm not doing one that night...and that I wasn't going to take from the existing list of names....I wanted to use names from a previous ad. Somehow he then thought I would just cyber with anyone...and not tell him now that I have the ok from him. We had agreed months prior that we'd never do something without the other knowing. So how that change in perception happened, I'm not sure.

Anyway, I created this mess cause I didn't stop when he suggested we stop. I said things just to make him pleased, without regard for what I truly wanted/didn't want. I cuckhold'd him without even realizing I was doing it.

I dug my hole deeper deeper by waffling and going back and forth to, 'I do want to do it, to no I don't want to,' etc. Then I had the audacity to blame him. I blamed him for something he was willing to stop, but I didn't listen.

Now he's not even talking to me. I think cause I lied about liking it, then not liking it, going back and forth so much, it can make anyone's head spin..and then blaming him. I've written to him apologizing..but so far no luck.

So I am coming here for advice on how to fix this ? Or if I can?

And of course, I want to make a public apology.

Honey, I am sooo sorry for all the hurt and angst I've caused. I know honesty is the most important trait to you and I failed in this respect regarding our sexual likes and desires. Please forgive me and reconnect with me? I love you sooo much.

D.

From what I understand, you cyber with other men and he's around. He suggested that you stop and you said just one more time, because you enjoyed the fact that you can do this activity together.

Right?

Then, he called and you said no more cybering with anyone for a awhile. He was under the impression that you just log on and then cyber with anyone, you only wanted to cyber with a specific list of candidates. AND you both discussed that you would only cyber IF and WHEN boyfriend is around, that you will NOT cyber alone.

Right?

You squabbled because neither of you were firm on the position you want, and you blamed him for this mess.

Now you want to figure things out how to repair the relationship.

Is that the jist of things?

1. It's okay to like something and then realise it's not your cup of tea. I think you enjoy the virtual opening up of the relationship within specific people TOGETHER. It's when he's not there or it's not from a pro-approved list that you don't like. THIS IS OKAY. You are allowed.

2. I truly think that no one has really lied (if you said you despised it from the beginning, then that would be a different story, but you didn't so go to number 1). I think it's more of a tiptoeing around a breakdown in communication. In other words, you both assumed the other would react in certain way and neither one of you want to hurt the other, even if you are both on the same page.

3. My suggestion? Stop the cyber play for a while, and figure out exactly what you both want, how you're going to get down and dirty, what are the limits, when is enough. Discuss it ad nauseam. Write it down as a contract, making sure that every stipulation and boundaries are carefully discussed and negotiated. Resume only when you both are comfortable and fully trust each other... and in yourselves. You may trust you boyfriend, but you may not trust yourself.

4. Apologise, in private to each other, then let it go. You didn't cheat on him because he knew and approved. Consider it a learning curve and there was a mistake along the way. Find the mistake, fix it, learn from it and now enjoy each other.

It doesn't have to be more complicated, so don't make it more complicated.

Good luck

 

[goodytwoshoesinmo]

From what I understand, you cyber with other men and he's around. He suggested that you stop and you said just one more time, because you enjoyed the fact that you can do this activity together.

Right?

Correct.

Then, he called and you said no more cybering with anyone for a awhile. He was under the impression that you just log on and then cyber with anyone, you only wanted to cyber with a specific list of candidates. AND you both discussed that you would only cyber IF and WHEN boyfriend is around, that you will NOT cyber alone.

Right?

Not quite that simple..no. I had told him I want to do one more as we had planned on doing 3 to begin with, he said no more at 2 cause he felt I wasn't appearing to enjoy it...which was true. But I wanted to continue cause I thought he and therefore we were having fun. I know, I should have just let it stop then.

Everything here on down is correct, except it is more than just a simple squabble, imo.

You squabbled because neither of you were firm on the position you want, and you blamed him for this mess.

Now you want to figure things out how to repair the relationship.

Is that the jist of things?

1. It's okay to like something and then realise it's not your cup of tea. I think you enjoy the virtual opening up of the relationship within specific people TOGETHER. It's when he's not there or it's not from a pro-approved list that you don't like. THIS IS OKAY. You are allowed.

2. I truly think that no one has really lied (if you said you despised it from the beginning, then that would be a different story, but you didn't so go to number 1). I think it's more of a tiptoeing around a breakdown in communication. In other words, you both assumed the other would react in certain way and neither one of you want to hurt the other, even if you are both on the same page.

3. My suggestion? Stop the cyber play for a while, and figure out exactly what you both want, how you're going to get down and dirty, what are the limits, when is enough. Discuss it ad nauseam. Write it down as a contract, making sure that every stipulation and boundaries are carefully discussed and negotiated. Resume only when you both are comfortable and fully trust each other... and in yourselves. You may trust you boyfriend, but you may not trust yourself.

4. Apologise, in private to each other, then let it go. You didn't cheat on him because he knew and approved. Consider it a learning curve and there was a mistake along the way. Find the mistake, fix it, learn from it and now enjoy each other.

It doesn't have to be more complicated, so don't make it more complicated.

Good luck

I HAVE apologized. Now just waiting to see if he'll accept the apology. I already told him I really don't want to do anymore cybering too. It's a wait and see thing now. He has avoided all contact with me since my bs explaining I did to him.

 

[goodytwoshoesinmo]

Reconnection has been made

Thanks to a mutual friend. I have given him a link to this thread and encouraged him to read his email that I wrote explaining my stupidity in it....since he hasn't checked in a few days.

I hope I'm successful at fixing it. He appeared to be receptive....I'll know soon enough. Thanks for the tips. I know the handle/name is makes me sound young...it's how I felt at the time that I signed up.

 

[Noor]

Thanks to a mutual friend. I have given him a link to this thread and encouraged him to read his email that I wrote explaining my stupidity in it....since he hasn't checked in a few days.

I hope I'm successful at fixing it. He appeared to be receptive....I'll know soon enough. Thanks for the tips. I know the handle/name is makes me sound young...it's how I felt at the time that I signed up.

What makes you sound young is your not respecting his feelings and wishes and doing it one more time because you want to.

Personally I don't think you guys are up to cyberring like this.

If you fix this, stop the cyber, regroup, get solid and then visit it again.

 

[Emerson40]

Ms Two Shoes,

I have only a wee bit of advice after reading through the above. I suggest you communicate with your B/F face to face, at the very least via phone / skype / facetime.

I get the impression that most of the communication taking place is via email and / or text. Although fine, it is not the best means by which to convey feelings and intent. It is difficult for one to get a great sense of sincerity or appreciate emotion in text, especially if the writing is not really clear (as you indicated about your email in your second or third post) or place emphasis where it is needed or intended.

I don't know whether you will be able to patch things up or not. But I suggest that if you really want to give this the best possible chance, you guys need to speak. Regarding matters of the heart such as these, pages and pages of email text will never replace body language, inflection of voice, or the ability to react and respond to the other person in a manner befitting the situation, at the opportune moment.

 

[subwannabe]

Sorry to be so negative but to me it sounds like you are a loser guy who just won't let go of a relationship that the other person ended. Even if you do get back together this is not bound to last long term and, if that is the case, there's no sense in working on the relationship. You obviously want this relationship more than he does and it takes two to tango.

 

[Que]

his idea, he led you to the path...silly for him to be butt-hurt...

I did that a bit with my ex, encouraged her to try such things mostly in hindsight to assauge my guilt for having had "slips" and gone and done things I wasnt proud of. If she liked it too then well, it was just a fun kink.

On the other hand, she like you seem to, had a tendency to not be too sure whether to give herself permission to enjoy some kink that caught her fancy.

It was a weird dichotomy with her because she (unlike me) was raised entirely in an un-repressed environment. Yet she concedes that like a 50's housewife guiltily reading non-consent themed pulp fiction she kind of wanted to be coerced...made it less slutty you see if she didn't think it up or strongly endorse it herself.

Used to PISS me off to no end when after a mutually sexually satisfying night of kink that SHE initiated, SHE steered, SHE suggested...she'd say with a smirk in the morning something like, "My YOU were in a kinky mood last night!" Not in a playful, I'd-love-some-more-o-that sort of way, but a snarky, judgmental barb. Like I was defective for going along with whatever.

So I see the problem is honesty..not with him...(fuck 'im if he cant take a kink he started...) rather...honesty with YOURSELF about what you enjoy and where YOU would like to take things.

the apology you DO owe him is that you were silly for not being honest with yourself or him about how turned on you were actually getting by at least the idea if not the actual cyber sessions the first couple of times. He had what turned out to be a fun sexy idea and you kind of rained on it by not owning your own sexuality.

 

[GorgeousGeekGirl]

Sweetie, you were waffling from the beginning, causing the kind of drama that makes men drink heavily. You keep reading more and more layers into it instead of actually fixing it.

Grow a pair and make some choices:

Do you want drama? Does it excite you and give you attention you need? If the answer is yes, keep doing what you've been doing until he gets sick of it and dumps you. Then move on to the next man. Repeat the process until you find one who will put up with it. You need to take an honest look in the mirror though; men tolerate this from hot women, not average or even cute women. If you're not hot but want drama, get a serious makeover first.

If you don't want drama, figure out, do you want to cyber? If no, tell bf "I don't want to cyber. It's not fun and not worth the hassle." Stick to it.

If yes, you want to cyber, then decide, give it up for bf or tell bf flat out you want tocyber and take your lumps like a big girl.

As far as the public apologies etc, what makes you think the bf wants this whole mess blasted all over the Internet instead of being handled quietly just between you?

 

[Que]

Sweetie, you were waffling from the beginning, causing the kind of drama that makes men drink heavily. You keep reading more and more layers into it instead of actually fixing it.

Grow a pair and make some choices:

Do you want drama? Does it excite you and give you attention you need? If the answer is yes, keep doing what you've been doing until he gets sick of it and dumps you. Then move on to the next man. Repeat the process until you find one who will put up with it. You need to take an honest look in the mirror though; men tolerate this from hot women, not average or even cute women. If you're not hot but want drama, get a serious makeover first.

If you don't want drama, figure out, do you want to cyber? If no, tell bf "I don't want to cyber. It's not fun and not worth the hassle." Stick to it.

If yes, you want to cyber, then decide, give it up for bf or tell bf flat out you want tocyber and take your lumps like a big girl.

As far as the public apologies etc, what makes you think the bf wants this whole mess blasted all over the Internet instead of being handled quietly just between you?

Will you marry me?

 

[subwannabe]

I don't believe I've ever come accross a woman who really likes to cyber, I mean really. My wife and I did a little while we were dating but it was more of just doing it to do it rather than actually liking it. I'd also have to say that I didn't even like it much myself. I mean it's pretty damn hard to type and play with yourself at the same time. Usually you have to take turns typing and masturbating or just type one word cybers while occupied. I'm not saying it can't be done but it seems more like horny guys wanting to get off more than anything. Are there any women on this forum who actually enjoy cybering?

 

[Ropebunny]

I don't believe I've ever come accross a woman who really likes to cyber, I mean really. My wife and I did a little while we were dating but it was more of just doing it to do it rather than actually liking it. I'd also have to say that I didn't even like it much myself. I mean it's pretty damn hard to type and play with yourself at the same time. Usually you have to take turns typing and masturbating or just type one word cybers while occupied. I'm not saying it can't be done but it seems more like horny guys wanting to get off more than anything. Are there any women on this forum who actually enjoy cybering?

I used to really enjoy it, back when I was single. I also quite liked having to stop to type, as thinking about what to type was stimulating in itself. It also stops you from getting off too quickly.

 

[Que]

Know your needs, then communicate them...

There's a recent post by Ladysue... apparently her husband had a bit of a kinky bent, convinced her to get involved in swinging she did it to please him never really liked it, still doesn't like it.

She starts by saying "How do you stay married to a man who would prefer you to be a slut?" Pretty obviously a cry for help and shows a real breakdown in communication.

She goes on to explain:

He would like me to be slutty with other men. Not something I am comfortable with doing.
If it was just with him there would be no problem.

At the moment I've got a real life friend with similar boyfriend problems where the boyfriend wants her to be a lot sluttier than she wants to be. She really enjoys letting her "inner slut" out; but only for HIM...she's just a one man sorta gal. He on the other hand thinks its generous of him to "allow" her to consider (but probably not actually) get involved with other men.

In those cases it's tough; I don't have any particularly good advice....

It does seem like one of those things that's progressive though you give in a little bit then he wants a little bit more...

Except angst the misunderstanding caused, maybe it's good that you caught this early.

Sounds like your kind of an accommodator and try to please people. That's not all bad. Its a nice quality to find a partner... I guess just make sure your needs are met too.

 

[Noor]

I don't believe I've ever come accross a woman who really likes to cyber, I mean really. My wife and I did a little while we were dating but it was more of just doing it to do it rather than actually liking it. I'd also have to say that I didn't even like it much myself. I mean it's pretty damn hard to type and play with yourself at the same time. Usually you have to take turns typing and masturbating or just type one word cybers while occupied. I'm not saying it can't be done but it seems more like horny guys wanting to get off more than anything. Are there any women on this forum who actually enjoy cybering?

With a good cyber partner whom I know, I do enjoy it. I also like phone sex. However both those activities have to be a lot more than taking turns typing and masturbating.
Most people do not cyber or phone as I do, but luckily some do.