How do I keep from feeling angry

[Ms_Lilith]

and sad and scared.... when my mother has almost died this week, and my parents' marriage is ending. THis question is mostly about the marriage, because mom will make it through, according to the doctors... it was just a scare.

But seriously. My parents, after 25 and a half years of marriage, are going to get their marriage annulled. Apparently mom hasn't loved my dad for 20 years, and married him while she was still in love with her ex-fiance. So. How do I deal with all this shit? It gets a lot more detailed, and a lot WORSE with each detail, but I feel like I had my heart ripped out, and I feel angry, but not AT anyone, and I feel so desperately sad and alone, though I know I'm not....

What are your experiences, how did you cope?

 

[peachykeen]

that's pretty heavy, vix. I got no answers for you but I'll keep you in mind in my morning healing meditation.

 

[teddybear4play]

and sad and scared.... when my mother has almost died this week, and my parents' marriage is ending. THis question is mostly about the marriage, because mom will make it through, according to the doctors... it was just a scare.

But seriously. My parents, after 25 and a half years of marriage, are going to get their marriage annulled. Apparently mom hasn't loved my dad for 20 years, and married him while she was still in love with her ex-fiance. So. How do I deal with all this shit? It gets a lot more detailed, and a lot WORSE with each detail, but I feel like I had my heart ripped out, and I feel angry, but not AT anyone, and I feel so desperately sad and alone, though I know I'm not....

What are your experiences, how did you cope?

You can't stop how you feel, and in this situation, you certainly have the right to be emotional about it.

My parents separated when I was six. I have very few memories of them happy, and far too many of them yelling at each other. When that happened, I would run into some other room of the house, close the door, cover my ears, and pretend I was somewhere else. It took more than 10 years to figure out how that affected the person I became.

I don't mean to say that what I went through is worse in any way to what you're experiencing; only that the only real antidote to your pain is, unfortunately, time.

Take care, love.

TB4p

 

[Spinaroonie]

Apparently mom hasn't loved my dad for 20 years, and married him while she was still in love with her ex-fiance.

I'd lash out agaisnt her.

 

[LadyOfTheMist]

I don't have much experience with this either Vix. I think that you are probably in shock right now and that you need to take some time to think about it all. Then once you have had some time perhaps it will be time to discuss it with each parent. I would imagine that your father must be quite upset. Your mother, well I am not sure what she might be feeling or thinking. I would think that she must have loved him at some point, she married him and had a child or children. Have they gotten counseling? Can you suggest it? Do you want to suggest it? Take some time, think, feel......then talk and ask questions. But remember above all Vix that you are loved.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

My mother got married when she was young and immature. She refuses counselling.

 

[Freya]

ALmost 3 yrs ago, my mother left my step father after almost 27 years of marriage. She married him for security, since she was divorced with two small children. They had a child together and she stayed til we were all grown up and out of the house before she moved out. this man is my dad, same as my dad is my dad - and I fuckin hated her for hurting him and leaving him the way she did. But I talked to her, told her how I felt, listened to her side and realized that although her reasons were maybe not exactly the best, she needed to do this for her own sake. She was 56 yrs old, and she wanted a chance to live out her life in some form of happiness. They were no longer happy together and were making each other miserable. Because I was so worried about how my dad would cope, I was angry at her for a very long time - but now I look at them , and I see that each are happier than they have been for years - so ultimately it was a good thing.

Talk to her Vix - share your anger, your feelings, your pain - but listen to her, let her explain and you just might come to understand why she is doing what shes doing.

 

[Bodie]

Jeez Vix,

Sorry to hear this.

Just try and be there for you mom when she needs your support.

But glad she is okay, healthwise. That's much more important.

And you look after yourself as well, you hear?

Bodie

 

[Bandit58]

I separated from my husband 5 months ago. I have 2 kids, my son was 18 at the time and my daughter is 14. We were married for almost 24 years, and he was the only man I had had sex with.

When we married I was 19. He was my first boyfriend. I had such low self-esteem I married the first man who showed any interest in me.....big mistake. We should have just stayed friends. As the kids grew up I found that we had hardly anything in common. I hated sex with him...he never said he loved me or found me attractive. We lived on a farm in a conservative rural area......he used to very subtly emotionally abuse me over the years......if I attempted to say no to sex he would sulk for days. Do you know what it's like to live with someone who will not speak to you.....I would give in, and hate myself. I have since come to realise that this is rape.....

For years I thought I had no choice.....I didn't have a job or anywhere else to go, so I put up with it.....I didn't want to uproot the kids from the only home they had. I hid my unhappiness.....until I met someone online and realised that there had to be something better. This guy helped me see that sex could be wonderful, he re-awakened something in me. I considered having an affair......but circumstances weren't right. One day I just snapped when my husband complained that we hadn't had sex for 2 weeks......and I told him I didn't love him and wanted to leave. I had found a part time job 2 months before, which gave me a measure of independence. I moved out 3 weeks later and only now do I realise how browbeaten I was.

Since then I have met the man I know to be my soulmate. He is married too, and is suffering the same kind of emotional abuse I was. Being with him has opened my eyes to what love really is....unselfish, giving, caring, sharing and cherishing. We can't be together at the moment, so much of our relationship is online and phone, but when we do get together it's wonderful.

I live 20 minutes drive from my daughter, who lives with her father (her choice, she loves the farm and I didn't want to take her from it). My son is away at university and has his own life now, but we are in contact through ICQ. Both kids understand why I did what I did.....they can see how much happier I am now and they know about my b/f. For years I put other people ahead of myself......I turn 44 next month and feel that it's high time I had some life too while I'm still young enough to enjoy it

Give it time vixenshe......it probably took your mum a lot of courage to face the fact that she needed to get out.....I know it did for me. It is a big step to change your whole life around....but in six months you will see how much happier she is....I refused counselling too, because I knew that I wouldn't change my mind.....

 

[lorddragonwolf]

the best advice one can give is to talk to your mom about how you feel. just know that its not your fault. we are here you you vix anytime you want to talk. divorces suck especially for the kids no matter how old the children are. keep your head up and remember they both love you.

 

[Hotred911]

One suggestion....

When things get too tough and you feel like you just can't take anymore, go for a nice long walk. I did this almost nightly right before my parents got divorced. It gave me time to think and sort out my thoughts. It also released a lot of tension for me. I would walk, and cry, and then walk some more. I would never go home until I felt like I could deal with things again. Some of those walks ended up being really long, but well worth the time.

 

[Naughty n Nice]

Sweetie, don't try not to be angry. You are entitled to feel angry. Scream, cry, do what you have to do. It's ok. I do recommend talking with a therapist though. But don't try not to be angry. Being angry is your perogative! ((hugs))

 

[SXCRgirl]

Vix, I'm so sorry that you're going through a rough time. There is no magical answer to get through this... except to get through it. Your mom has her reasons and only she knows them. Acknowledge your feelings of anger, hurt, confusion and fear. Don't dismiss your feelings because this will lead to needing more therapy later.

I don't know you that well, but with what I have seen here, you have a big heart and a huge capacity to love. This is why you're so well liked here. Talk to your mom or talk to a counselor yourself. It always helps to get an unbiased third person in the party. If you're religious, turn to that side of yourself - it will bring you a lot of comfort during this trying time. I know it does me. Lastly, give yourself time to heal. Sometimes, when we go through what seems to be the worst thing that could happen to us, we find that there are positive things that happen as a result of it. Look for the silver lining in everything (even though you can't see it right now).

If you ever need to talk, my PM box is always open to you.

*HUGS*

 

[SexyChele]

Vix, I'm so very sorry that you are having to go through this! I can't offer any advice as I can't even imagine the pain and shock you are going through right now.

But, the sliver lining is that your mother is going to be okay healthwise. Sometimes you have to look for the blessings in life.

As far as the marriage breaking up, it is certainly alright to be angry, shocked, hurt, and a whole host of other feelings to boot. You can try to talk to your mother, but I think it is more important to try to let them know the lines of communication to you are open. And let them be as such. Try not to cut off one parent or both.

Please know that I'll be thinking of you and praying only the best comes of this situation for you and your family.

As always, if you need to talk to some one, I'm just a PM away.

Hang tight, you'll make it.

 

[Lust Engine]

Being angry & upset's perfectly fine. Actually having to feel all those emotions and dealing with them is better than storing them up later & exploding. You have every right to experience EVERY bit of anger, distrust, confusion...after all, they are your parents. These were people you looked up to for all of your life. You sought their approval & their love. Now you see them as fallible & dare I say it...mortal. They're human beings too with a funky sense of what's right & wrong for themselves too. It doesn't diminish who & what you are at all. It doesn't diminish the love you've felt for your parents & vice versa.

I can't emphasize to you how inportant it is to feel all of these emotions. Ride them out. Talk about them. Write about them. Post them here on Lit. Get them out in the open and on the table. Don't bottle them up for future rumblings. This is what you feel now... air them out. You won't regret having the chance to talk your way through these turbulent times. It won't linger on you like a bad taste in the long run.

So please...feel it ALL!

 

[stuking]

I really havent posted much on this site, just more of a casual ( and most of the time excited ) observer, but I did come across this post and had to say a few things. About 15 years ago, my parents divorced after 29 years of marriage, it was at the time the worst thing I ever went through, but you know what, it made 2 very unhappy people very happy. That is something you should focus on, it will make both of these people probably happier in the end. My Father remarried a wonderful Woman who was so good to him for the last 13 years, she made him very happy. On August 21, I buried my Father after a 7 month battle with Cancer, the visions of his last week of life will haunt me until the day I die. We worked together, so we spent an awful lot of time together, he truly was my main man, my best buddy. So what I guess I want to tell you is that hopefully when all the crap from their anullment is through they are 2 happier people, and you can see them not just as your parents but as 2 people just trying to be happier.

 

[Amaterasu]

and sad and scared.... when my mother has almost died this week, and my parents' marriage is ending. THis question is mostly about the marriage, because mom will make it through, according to the doctors... it was just a scare.

But seriously. My parents, after 25 and a half years of marriage, are going to get their marriage annulled. Apparently mom hasn't loved my dad for 20 years, and married him while she was still in love with her ex-fiance. So. How do I deal with all this shit? It gets a lot more detailed, and a lot WORSE with each detail, but I feel like I had my heart ripped out, and I feel angry, but not AT anyone, and I feel so desperately sad and alone, though I know I'm not....

What are your experiences, how did you cope?

Vixenshe,

Glad to hear that your mom will make it through..... its hard enough dealing with the life change of your parents' splitting up without having the fear that you might lose one of them permanently...

OK, so you said, how do you keep from feeling scared and angry and sad? YOU DON'T! These are all natural emotions that you should allow yourself to experience, because this is a BIG deal. try to find an avenue to allow you to express your feelings in a healthy manner, seek counseling or therapy if you're comfortable, or rely on friends or whatever makes you most comfortable. the first natural reaction is DENIAL.... and boy is it a bitch! if you commit to overcoming it, you'll be much better off in the long run (oh if i could do it over.....)

Some people will tell you that you're too old to care about your parents' marriage.... that you're old enough that it shouldn't affect your life. The thing i found hard was realizing that the schema of the family that you grew up with (however stable or unstable) has been turned upside down. For me, my family, no matter how dysfunctional it was, was always my grounding point. no matter what was going on in my life i thought that i always had that idea of 'family' to depend on. And while you will still have your mom and dad, that sense of family is just shattered. the unified whole is now two parts..... and i personally think it is just as hard to deal with when you've had this stability into adulthood, almost taking it for granted... and then it shatters.

For me it happened right before i went to college, and happened quite abruptly due to my father being arrested.... the man that i had known my whole life, my rock, had become a fallible human being, and my mother, once a dominant, independent woman, reduced to emotional mush.....

It totally throws your world up in the air, let alone your whole sense of self and who you are.....

so i feel your pain..... as does everyone here (if i may speak for the board) and i hope you find peace in solidarity here.


K

 

[Ms_Lilith]

I really thank you all for your comments and such. I'm not so angry anymore, except when my parents call to talk... I kinda want to try to work it out, but they keep calling to find out if I'm okay. I'm not. They know it. But I am doing my best to support their wishes.... I just wish they'd leave me alone for a few days.

But anyway, like I said, I thank you all.

 

[Minout]

I really thank you all for your comments and such. I'm not so angry anymore, except when my parents call to talk... I kinda want to try to work it out, but they keep calling to find out if I'm okay. I'm not. They know it. But I am doing my best to support their wishes.... I just wish they'd leave me alone for a few days.

Tell them that. Tell them that while it is their marriage not yours it is upsetting to you to see it fall apart. Your *family* is changing and that is hard to deal with all of a sudden. Your parents made this decision based on lots of thought and soulsearching. You haven't had that luxury. It will take time for you to adjust to what is a huge emotional upheaval. Don't expect too much of yourself. If you feel you need some distance to think things through for yourself, ask for it. Ask them not to call or stop by or send notes. You will call them when you are ready. I went through a similar situation a few years ago when my parents separated. It helped me to know that every phone call wasn't going to be them telling me more bad news. They respected my need to for a break and in the end things were much better. For all of us.


Minout

 

[Naughty n Nice]

I really thank you all for your comments and such. I'm not so angry anymore, except when my parents call to talk... I kinda want to try to work it out, but they keep calling to find out if I'm okay. I'm not. They know it. But I am doing my best to support their wishes.... I just wish they'd leave me alone for a few days.

But anyway, like I said, I thank you all.

You're welcome sweetie. I hope you are feeling better today. Every day will be a little bit easier then the previous day. You know where to find me, and I'm always here for you.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Thanks, NnN... I might take you up on that this evening.. but I gotta run, gonna go have lunch with one of the most exceptional specimens of the male gender in the whole world!

And he's bisexual.

Too bad he's in a steady relationship (for three years now.. they are SO cute together!)

 

[LordMagicMan]

Things like this make me feel like I should never get married. Something I'm planning to live up to!

 

[Devilish1]

Vixenshe,
I know what your going through. My parents almost divorced after 20 yrs of marriage. my dad cheated on my mom with his 1st wife........ there was alot of hell for a few months..... they was 1 week before their divorce was final and they got back together.... and they been together for another 17 yrs.

I know things look bad right now for your parents, but i saw on your other post about your parents that they was going to move out no later than Aug.1 next year.
Alot can happen in a year.
Your mom has nearly died this past week, things may change between your parents by this time next year.

hang in there girl.. its rough i know but like you said your mom is strong, all the women in your family are strong..... and so are you.

 

[lilpriss]

Vixen, I hate it that your parents are breaking up. That sucks.

I think the best thing you can do is tell them you need to digest what's going on and that you need for them to back off until you know how to deal with it.

It's got to be crushing to feel so betrayed... especially by your parents who are supposed to be on your side. You are probably feeling like you've been lied to.

I say BE PISSED. Let yourself be upset, that will help you to eventually come to peace about it. Remember this though all things happen for a reason.

 

[ApplesMcgee]

Happy Thought

You can think of my and nike blowing you big kisses and giving you a

:::BIG HUG:::



PowrDragn