How do I get past this?

[skizbees]

The past partners I have had (with one exception I doubt I'll ever get again), have been ethusiastic, it seems, but really awful lovers as a result. I managed to pick the "jackhammer, stab and jab" method subscribers you typically see in porn. It's a sensitive organ, just like the penis and should not be damaged in such a way, unless biology and health books lied. I tried talking to them all beforehand, and even spoke up during, and after, yet..these assinine responses of "Oh, you know you like it rough, you got so wet before!" or "You're just soo tight, I like that" or as they grope like they haven't had a woman in years "OH, this is what I want..YESSS" as I try to run from my own bed, or get their bodies off me. (I'm 4'11", and prefer not to get pinned; when you push down on my ribs and I start to shake, I can't breathe, I'm not that hot for you that I'm quivering. Even on top, don't bear hug me, I know where your arms are.)

Gee...me saying "I prefer gentle sex, becuase I tend to dry out easily and am sensitive if you don't go slow, and DO NOT JACKHAMMER me" must fall on deaf ears.

It's gotten to the point where I've enjoyed celibacy with little to no masturbation. (so far about 8 months) I'd like to change this pattern by finding someone better (who won't try to crush me, even if I'm on top), and if I bat for the other team, maybe it wouldn't hurt as bad. Any advice appreciated.

 

[EJFan]

i'm not sure i can answer your overriding question on how to get past the issue you're having... but i will say this. no one who doesn't consider their partner's wants and needs (both sexual and otherwise) need not look for a serious relationship. it's conceit in its purest form.

like anything else, dating, relationships and sex-partners are kind of a try and try some more endeavor. i don't think you'll have too much trouble finding a caring partner... you just have to try not to give up and be sure avoid judging the masses by the handful of experiences you've had.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Every woman runs into bad partners now and then - it sounds like you've had a bad string. It might mean you should spend more time getting to know your partners before sex - specifically, getting to know what kind of lovers they are before you get physical.

One clue is how many partners have they had and do they tend to have very short relationships or long ones? A guy who has only had short relationships probably hasn't had much of an opportunity to learn how to make love to a woman. Longer relationships afford much more time for exploring and talking and experimenting, and typically mean a guy has learned how to listen in bed and how real women (not porn women) like to be touched and licked and fucked.

Another clue is if they have women friends, real friends. A guy with a lot of female friends probably hears a lot of their stories and can learn from them what women like. A guy who only hangs out with other guys, especially if he's young, probably doesn't hear very much about loving, tender, hours-long love-making sessions and way more about the jackhammer-pounding-her-senseless bragging kind of sex. Women will talk about guys who give great oral - guys will talk about the great blowjob skills a woman has. Without the female view, a guy might see sex from only one perspective.

Other clues can come from how they treat you outside of bed, and how they treat strangers, like the waiter, the cab driver, the kid that accidentally threw the football at his head while you're walking in the park. A guy who is courteous and kind and who is concerned whether you are comfortable, thirsty, hungry, ready to leave the party or want to stay, is more likely to be a guy who is concerned about whether you are comfortable and enjoying sex with him. A guy who is willing to spend part of the weekend ripping out his mother's, brother's, or neighbor's old carpeting is likely to be a guy who will spend hours licking you to orgasm rather than going in for the kill right away.

Other than that, I'd say start masturbating again. There's no reason to deny yourself and your body that pleasure just because you've had bad lovers. No need to punish your body further!

As for batting for the other team, if your only reason for considering that is because you've had some brutes as lovers, I don't know how fulfilling it would be for you. Great sex is way more about communication and the connection you feel with a person rather than their sexual skills. If you're actually attracted to and lusting after women, well, that's another thing altogether.

I hope some of this helps!

 

[KarenDee]

Wow, Jeanne hit most of what I wanted to say already, but at least I'd also add that you probably want to be looking for more sensitive guys. And that means in every-day activities as well. The jackhammer types are the same guys that show up bare-chested at football games in January, get obnoxiously loud after 3 Budweisers, and snicker and snort to their buddies when a woman walks by, like they haven't seen boobs and an ass in 20 years. The "guys with lots of women friends" is a good tip off, as are "guys that can sit down on the floor and play trucks and / or dolls with little kids."

The only other thing I can suggest is to do the sexual controlling yourself. A lot of guys are receptive to a woman taking charge.

As a last resort, you can try bondage!

Karen

 

[eudaemonia]

Other clues can come from how they treat you outside of bed, and how they treat strangers, like the waiter, the cab driver, the kid that accidentally threw the football at his head while you're walking in the park. A guy who is courteous and kind and who is concerned whether you are comfortable, thirsty, hungry, ready to leave the party or want to stay, is more likely to be a guy who is concerned about whether you are comfortable and enjoying sex with him. A guy who is willing to spend part of the weekend ripping out his mother's, brother's, or neighbor's old carpeting is likely to be a guy who will spend hours licking you to orgasm rather than going in for the kill right away.

Jeanne's whole post is excellent, but this section really gets to the nut of it. Edit out those guys who are clueless about consideration towards others, especially when it's a casual context, cuz it's not going to be any better in an intimate one.

Of course, it's possible that even the most considerate and kind guy can be pretty clueless in bed. But I think you can appeal to his considerate side by saying, "One of the things that attracted me to you is how well you treat other people and how considerate you are to them. Could I show you how I like to be treated in bed?" or however it feels right for you to say it.

And don't be shy about bringing up the fact that becuase you're on the smallish side it can feel like you're being smoothered during love-making and that you really, really like a more gentle touch. A guy who really cares *will* listen.

All I can suggest additionally is to take more time getting to know your partners, just for your own self-protection and in ensuring a higher probability of getting your needs met.

Speaking of which, don't shut down the self-pleasuring. This is crucial. We are all ultimately responsible for our own happiness.

 

[KarenDee]

Damn, you can learn more good things at this forum, I'm glad I joined and started hanging out with the good people. I may end up needing a 12 step program on "how to break the Lit habit."

 

[eudaemonia]

I may end up needing a 12 step program on "how to break the Lit habit."

Nah. Big difference between bad habits (addiction) and good ones (the practice of sexual self-understanding). The latter is ... A Good Thing.

 

[SweetErika]

You've gotten amazing advice so far. I have a thought kind of along the lines of what's been discussed. Do you tend to be attracted to, pick, or date a certain "type" of man? In other words, are there some common characteristics (beyond the sex) in the personalities, styles, or mindsets of the Jackhammers?

I ask because when I look at my own dating and sexual history, most of the men before my husband had a lot in common...none of them treated me or others poorly and they all had most of the positive characteristics already mentioned, but they all made me feel a certain way, were pretty forthright about sex, showed a lot of confidence, and a few other things that I was drawn to. Then I met my husband, and he's the typical "nice guy" who's a little less forthright and confident, would be terribly upset if he thought he even contributed mildly to a woman's discomfort, and is very enthusiatic and sometimes a little clueless, but eager to please. Frankly, I'm far more drawn to the first type naturally, but learned how much happier I was overall with my husband's type, and pursue romantic relationships with them exclusively.

So, maybe it'd be helpful to look carefully for any patterns in the men you've been involved with and are attracted to, and consider giving those you may not have thought of or been so drawn to before a try.

Good luck!

 

[human_male]

Maybe it's your choice in men that's the problem. If they don't listen to you and are totally insensitive to your needs then they're assholes. And as you say all but one in your life has been like this then stop and ask youself... why do I keep picking assholes?

I'm assuming they all tend to be the same type of guy. Maybe you meet them all at the same type of place, so why not try something totally different and see where that gets you? For instance if you usually meet them in red neck bars, try a tofu bar instead. If you usally go with cowboys, try a librarian instead. Librarians need love too.

Ok I'm being a bit silly, but my point is you might find someone who's maybe not as sexy or good looking or whatever is a better lover. Or is at least willing to learn. It seems some women have very specific types that they go for, so if your type is getting you nothing but a sore snatch then try someone a bit differet.

Or, and I'm guessing this might be closer to the mark, you only go with guys that come onto you whether they're the one you want or not, then I can't encourage you enough to go for guys that you want. Don't be afraid to approach someone, and don't go with some shithead just because he's the only one at the party that asked you out.

I may be totally off the mark and if so then just ignore me.

 

[TBKahuna123]

You need a geek. Don't laugh, I'm serious! We geeks are by nature gentle, caring men who do know how to reat a woman like a rpincess. We are eager to please you, eager to see you smile, eager for you to be happy. But there's another not commonly known fact. We geeks have a lot of imagination, and this transfers over into the bedroom. We have no egos and we're always ready to do your bidding. If you aren't happy we'll keep trying something new until we find something you like, or you tell us what you like. In short, we'll love you. Many of us geeks aren't too bad looking, becasue we clean up pretty good.

OK now that my little advertisement for the machinsoly challenged population is over, let me say that I am partially serious. My point is that many women overlook the less boistrous and macho guys because we aren't out there advertising ourselves and our virility. The jackhammer crowd is common amongst YOUNG men who don't knwo what they're doing. Those that don't care however, those are just assholes. Don't be afraid to look at a kind of guy you wouldn't normally be look to, see what the geeks of the world have to offer. My wife gave it a shot and she's been happy for a decade.

In short dear, don't dispare, there are some good guys out there. You're just looking in the wrong place for the wrong guys. Sounds to me like you just need a change of venue.

 

[Batman4ever71]

I'm with you Kahuna. Too many times, in today's society the "at or a little blow average" types of men get overlooked because we don't seem manly enough. Not a model type, or not "dangerous".

I, personally have had alot of women tell me that they wish they could put my qualities into their boyfriends. It got really frustrating!! I'd hear "Why can't "Chuck" be more like you?" I'd want to scream at the top of my lungs "Cause they aren't ME!!" Alas, the timid are often overlooked and for the most part, taken for granted.

My advice is the same as Kahuna's. Look for someone you might not have given a second thought to. Look beyond all of the testosterone and Machismo and see the possibilities that may lie beneath the shy, and sometimes uncoordinated exterior. Just like Kahuna's wife, you just may kick yourself for not having done it sooner.

Best of Luck ,
Batman

 

[VeryShyGirl]

I have the same problem, my SO isn't a macho-jerk or asshole. He just seems eager or something. I was wondering if maybe it feels good doing that for guys? or maybe his past partners have enjoyed it. Do any women enjoy the jackhammering? I keep telling him to slow down, so we are working in it but I am curious about the "jack hammer" phenomenon too

 

[eudaemonia]

Do any women enjoy the jackhammering?

I'd bet the farm, no.

 

[human_male]

Why is it so many women on here idicate that that's exactly what they like? Is there something different about Lit women, or do they just like pretending they're that kind of girl?

 

[Vixandra]

Do any women enjoy the jackhammering?

Heck yeah! On occasion, when it suits the mood, a slamming round of sex is just what the both of us, or one of us, needs.

But its not every time. And that suits us well when its called for and neither of us mourn its absence when its not. Of course, I'm 5'7" to his 5'10" so am not being crushed but it does get rough and I've been left sore but didn't mind. It was worth it *big cheshire cat grin*

I agree with many of the other posters- get to know your guy before you sleep with him and take a walk on the geek side.
Been married over three years to a geek/nerd/otaku/dork/pyl-like guy and am quite pleased with him. Yes, took some initial trainging but it was worth it. I've never felt smushed or pinned in a bad way because of this.
And how a guy treats others is indicitive of how he'll treat you, most of the time. My hubby's great with people, makes friends out of strangers, can talk to just about anyone and is a sweetie overall. With me he's understanding, kind, openminded and loving. One is a reflection of the other.

If you're normally drawn to tall, dark and studly, give a try to the middle height or short, not so dark and slightly geeky for a change.

 

[Vixandra]

Why is it so many women on here idicate that that's exactly what they like? Is there something different about Lit women, or do they just like pretending they're that kind of girl?

No pretending here, LOL.
But if all a guy knows how to do is slam away, I can see how a woman would be adverse to him and the practice in general.

 

[Scepter]

I have the same problem, my SO isn't a macho-jerk or asshole. He just seems eager or something. I was wondering if maybe it feels good doing that for guys? or maybe his past partners have enjoyed it. Do any women enjoy the jackhammering? I keep telling him to slow down, so we are working in it but I am curious about the "jack hammer" phenomenon too

These poor men haven't yet learned that it's not the destination, but the trip that is most enjoyable, many unfortunately will never learn to experience the exquisite pleasure of taking thing S...L...O...W.

If they don't learn after a few sessions of feedback from you....They probably never will.

 

[scotty_dog]

some of the most intense sex Ive ever had was when I asked my partner (girl) to tell me what turned them on the most and then I tried my best to make it

 

[eudaemonia]

Why is it so many women on here idicate that that's exactly what they like? Is there something different about Lit women, or do they just like pretending they're that kind of girl?

Being fucked fast and hard isn't the same thing as jackhammering. One implies a commesurate, mutual desire and the other implies a one-sided action. Big difference between the two in terms of intent.

 

[Xenolan]

First of all, any man who refuses to acknowledge a woman who says that she's not enjoying sex with him is appalingly self-centered and unworthy of that kind of affection. Therefore, anything you can do about this depends first on finding a man who will care about your feelings and want you to enjoy sex as much as he does. A man who does not approach you this way should be given the cold shoulder. The following advice applies only when a decent man is your bed partner:

It's possible that you have an atypically small vagina. Since you're a petite woman, I'd say this is a definite possibility. Men may not realize that their technique is uncomfortable for you because other women don't have the same difficulty.

What to do? Well, fortunately for you, the man who is discouraged about hearing that his penis is too large has yet to be born. Perhaps if you approach it from this angle, saying that they're just too big for you and they have to take it slow, you might get results. I hear that one can also get a cushioned ring, about the size and shape of a doughnut, that slips over the penis and keeps a man from penetrating too deep. Again, he'll be more likely to wear it if you suggest it because his cock is just too large for you. (Incidentally, if you tell him that he's hurting you and this seems to turn him on, get away from this guy as soon as possible!)

My wife and I have a similar problem (I'll be modest enough to say that it's she who is unusually small instead of me being hung like a stallion). We find that it's helpful for her to be on top, and therefore in control of the pace and penetration. I also simply cannot penetrate all the way without causing her pain. We have found positions over time that ensure I will not be able to thrust too far (nothing fancy, just things like making sure our shoulders are even with each other, placing my hips sufficiently below hers that I can't quite give her the entire length).

Another thing that helps is to play slow music. We naturally fall into the same rhythm and it keeps the pace down.

A little lube might not be out of line.

Perhaps you might seek out men who are less than 5'4" tall. If he's not much bigger than you, he's less likely to crush you.

If all else fails, try tying him up and showing him exactly what you want, insisting in a firm dominitrix voice that he will do it your way or else. Afterword, you can tell him that you were just kidding about the hot irons, but that you really do need a gentle touch.

The overriding problem is that many men seem to think that aggression makes them more masculine, failing to realize that a real man knows how to exercise restraint and self-control.

 

[skizbees]

Wait a second.

Where did all of you get the idea that I'm only after hot guys? With the exception of one lover (who did turn heads, and has a girlfriend now), they were all average guys (the ones who hung around few people, or just alone) who seemed cool and open to conversation at first , all around good people, then they show their true colors: assholes with control issues who didn't like figuring out what made me tick (two of them actually wanted to know, and said as much with some colorful wording in the process), and thought it was cool how easy going I was. That is, until they tick me off that I blow up (mouth off worse than a hardened sailor, sometimes in mutiple languages) at them, which somehow gave them the "go ahead" to pick on me about things I was sensitive about, and make fun of me outright, thinking I would just brush it off. Well screw that nonsense. I'm a shy person with a ticking bomb personality who was frightened plenty of times in bed, and outside of it.

Some nights the sex was great (very few), others I was too afraid to say anything even after I knew the guys well, or so I thought, but I was ignored and just treated like a vagina, and not a woman. I somehow naturally pick the wolves in sheep's clothing, the smooth talking assholes. I don't like pissing people off, nor being a doormat. Since I've got no problem delving my personal life to strangers on here (and I do appreciate the advice, though some misguided), the "nerdy" guy that was in my life platonically for about nine years (the first three we were rivals in piano class, and math class), then we buried the hatchet and became friends from middle school on (we're in our early 20s now, he's a year older). It took him about six years to realize I wanted to be his girlfriend and more, and he was stuck on stupid, waiting too long. At the time, I was going to wait until I was married. I wish things had worked out with him, but that part of my life is a closed chapter, as I moved on.

I haven't had good relationships beyond good friendships with men. I feel like there's a target on my back that says "Will remain alone, but have plenty of friends." I've got friends. Just tired of the crap with trying to avoid walking on eggshells to please a person and getting dumped on as a result.

 

[david_42]

One of the best things to do when a person isn't paying attention is to get out of bed, put your clothes on and go home. Tell them to call you if they're curious as to why. I've only had to use this method twice. In both cases, the woman I was with kept shutting me out. Once the problem got worked out, once it didn't. In the latter case, she didn't understand until I told her she may as well just use a dildo, since she was just masterbating anyway.

 

[Eilan]

Where did all of you get the idea that I'm only after hot guys?

I'm not really seeing this in the other posts. *shrugs*

 

[skizbees]

One of the best things to do when a person isn't paying attention is to get out of bed, put your clothes on and go home. Tell them to call you if they're curious as to why. I've only had to use this method twice. In both cases, the woman I was with kept shutting me out. Once the problem got worked out, once it didn't. In the latter case, she didn't understand until I told her she may as well just use a dildo, since she was just masterbating anyway.

I thought about doing that so many times, but I sometimes would get up, cover up in my own apartment, walk out of the room and go to my bathroom, wait a few seconds, and then flush with the door open enough so I knew the guy would hear. Other times I would just roll away and not look, or speak to the guy. That dim bulb would suddenly sputter on, and then he'd ask if anything was wrong. People are just friggin dense. We tried the phone conversations, in person...he was a selfish bastard. I really do miss sex (especially oral)...penetrant sex doesn't really interest me, unless I could repeat that experience with a drummer I attend college with, if he were still single and interested. He knew what to do to make me see stars, twice. . But afterwards, I realized that sleeping with him was awesome, but not worthy of doing again. I'm a fan of mutual oral sex. I guess I should mention I grew up in the Bible belt, and had plenty of Christian guilt imposed on me by family, the church, and "righteous friends". I did try to masterbate earlier tonight, reading through some of the anal stories. Maybe I just need a good massage instead. Who knows...

 

[human_male]

Wait a second.

Where did all of you get the idea that I'm only after hot guys? With the exception of one lover (who did turn heads, and has a girlfriend now), they were all average guys (the ones who hung around few people, or just alone) who seemed cool and open to conversation at first , all around good people, then they show their true colors: assholes with control issues who didn't like figuring out what made me tick (two of them actually wanted to know, and said as much with some colorful wording in the process), and thought it was cool how easy going I was. That is, until they tick me off that I blow up (mouth off worse than a hardened sailor, sometimes in mutiple languages) at them, which somehow gave them the "go ahead" to pick on me about things I was sensitive about, and make fun of me outright, thinking I would just brush it off. Well screw that nonsense. I'm a shy person with a ticking bomb personality who was frightened plenty of times in bed, and outside of it.

Some nights the sex was great (very few), others I was too afraid to say anything even after I knew the guys well, or so I thought, but I was ignored and just treated like a vagina, and not a woman. I somehow naturally pick the wolves in sheep's clothing, the smooth talking assholes. I don't like pissing people off, nor being a doormat. Since I've got no problem delving my personal life to strangers on here (and I do appreciate the advice, though some misguided), the "nerdy" guy that was in my life platonically for about nine years (the first three we were rivals in piano class, and math class), then we buried the hatchet and became friends from middle school on (we're in our early 20s now, he's a year older). It took him about six years to realize I wanted to be his girlfriend and more, and he was stuck on stupid, waiting too long. At the time, I was going to wait until I was married. I wish things had worked out with him, but that part of my life is a closed chapter, as I moved on.

I haven't had good relationships beyond good friendships with men. I feel like there's a target on my back that says "Will remain alone, but have plenty of friends." I've got friends. Just tired of the crap with trying to avoid walking on eggshells to please a person and getting dumped on as a result.

I have to admit I did jump to conclusions about you, and the sort of guys you were going with. I'm sorry. I do sympathise with you, especially since you don't really like being penetrated and all these mush-heads want to do is power fuck you.

This may sound like grasping at straws here, and again I'm sorry if I'm way off that's just because I don't know everything about your situation... but a sensible thing for anyone to do is, in my opinion, go out with the person for a considerable length of time, like months, before you have sex with them. The idea being that by the time you're in bed you're in a position of trust and communication. Then you can tell the guy what you like and definately don't, and because he's there because he cares about you and not just because he wants to fuck you (because he waited) he'll listen and try to please you. That's the theory anyway. If all else fails then definately do put the brakes on and tell the guy that what he's doing is upsetting you and if he's not prepared to listen he can just go home.

Or you could just try women. Have you thought about that? Seriously.