How common is it for lesbians to "hate" penetration of any kind?

[FurryFury]

I'm talking a lot with an emerging lesbian. I don't know a lot about these things though I am bi curious.

She seems to have a fear and/or hate of the idea of being penetrated. She won't even consider using tampons at the beach. Several years ago she tried and she said today that it was the worst thing that had ever happened to her in her life. She's had some bad shit happen to her so that was a bit mind boggling to me.

She is a virgin and a teen. Will she likely outgrow this? Is this a common thing with lesbians?

 

[Tzah]

*Generalization and opinion with nothing to be garnered from it:*

That she's A- a virgin, and B- a teen indicates one important thing... that she might not even BE a lesbian. That she has "issues" that are potentially deeply-rooted psychological combatants against abuse of some form confirm at least my own suspicions that she's dreading future "abuse" by avoiding it altogether, and becoming lesbian's the easy way out.

If she's a teen, how long ago *was* "several years ago"? That's an indication that perhaps things were't "right" when she "tried it". My first sexual experience was sadly lacking in the wow, flash, bang, yay that they have now. Teenagers have very little to go on besides what their idiot boyfriend says the girls love in the porn they whacked to, so Suzy should like it, too. Edit: And, because some areas still engender really STUPID roles of choiceless subservience, Suzy will try it so nobody thinks she's odd or weird, because having a brain is illegal in the Midwest if you also have tits or a puss.

An immature teenage boy only SEES "rough fucking" (balls slapping, bodies slurping and popping, girl groaning and grinding, and the guy just jackhammering away at her hole)... they don't understand that there's technique in that, EVEN if it "looks rough" (and IS fun). Like dancing, you can't just pick a girl up above your head, swing her around, and drop her into a dip UNLESS YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING and are BOTH COMFORTABLE with each other.

People see something, think "Wow, that's easy, I could do that".. and then when they try it themselves, they or their partner gets hurt, wrecking the experience in each's mind sometimes for ages to come.

Sex IS a trust issue. I only have one vagina, and I'm not going to let some idiot who's been playing Magic the Gathering at the local bookstore stick his dirty finger in it. This puts poor teenage boys at a rough sort of impasse. They don't have a resume. They're new on the scene, and who's gonna trust an untried vehicle on the open road? It might fall apart.

I was a goth when I was fifteen, and then I realized how much I loved rhinestones. And showers. And Spice Girls.

Just like Chef said to Stan's being gay. "Oh, my GOD, Chef! This is who we ARE!":

"No y'all not. Ye just gay cause it's cool to be gay now. Last year e'reybody wawn'ed t' be black."

Anyway, back to the flibbidyflobbidyfloop.

/Generalization and opinion.

 

[FurryFury]

As far as I know she has never been penetrated by someone but was she abused mentally and neglected, yes. Unless she is blocking it, I think she would have told me but who knows.

The attempt before was with tampons. I just worry for her. Here we are at the beach and she won't or can't do what it takes to really enjoy it due to her period. It got me to wondering about penetration fears or hate and were the two things tied. It's all speculation of course.

She told me years ago she might be Bi. Now she is pretty sure she is simply lesbian due to what she thinks about and which sex, while masturbating and finds attractive in that way.

I told her she wouldn't know for sure until she actually starts dating and having sex. I told her it was okay regardless of how it shakes out.

It is hard to find a teen lesbian group to hang out with. Not that I'm trying to arrange sex for her because I am not. She is young and has plenty of time.

Thank you for your post!

 

[Night_Jasmine]

Since she's a younger one, penetration fears are normal. Especially with the background you shared. With the right help from professionals to help her with her abuse issues, she'll have time to discover what feels right for her.

There's a lot of adult women I know who refuse to use tampons simply because they're afraid of inserting them wrong. I was a 'late bloomer' and didn't start my period until the first week of my freshman year in high school. One cycle later, I forced myself to learn how to use tampons because pads and marching band didn't mix well for me. However, despite the fact that I have been using them since that time, I have accidentally inserted one wrong and let me tell you - it hurts like a bitch. You know IMMEDIATELY that it's not positioned right, that's how sensitive we are down there.

As a lesbian, do I have issues with penetration? Depends on what's penetrating. Due to some past problems, I don't feel comfortable with phallic shaped devices so the rare times I play, I usually enjoy fingers. Because we are sensitive in the vaginal area, there's no reason in my mind to exclude that in favor of the clit only.

 

[FurryFury]

Thank you for your post.

It was so long ago when I first tried tampons and yes, I was scared too. At that time I was in high school and at a university for a journalism workshop. My roommate had some and she talked me into trying them. I don't remember it being hard to put in or use once I screwed up my courage.

I was thinking I had really messed up her experience a few years ago when she tried them.

It was good to hear your thoughts!

 

[DeservingBitch]

Hi Furry,

I didn't vote in your poll because none of the answers sounded right to me.

But I think that maybe it's the question that bothers me. To me, it sounds like asking whether it is common for straight men to like being fucked up the ass. A lot of straight men like it. A lot don't. Some aren't that much into it, but do it to please a partner.

That's about as much as I can say about the queer/lesbian women I've been intimate with or talked to about this. A lot aren't that fond of penetration. Some hate it. Many love it.

As for your friend, i don't think that her issue with penetration is connected with her being lesbian (if she is indeed). Sexual orientation may influence to a certain extent what sexual activities a person will find appealing or not - but the reverse is not true. For instance, a straight woman may not find the idea of licking a pussy very appealing. But it is not her 'dislike' for licking pussies that makes her straight. She is straight because she is sexually attracted to men.

Going with the same logic, while you may explain the fact that a queer/lesbian woman does not enjoy penetration from her being lesbian, you cannot infere that a woman is lesbian because she doesn't like penetration. As you cannot infere that a man is 'gay' being he likes his ass fucked.

I'm not sure if this help.

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks for your thoughts.

I didn't ask this to determine if she is a lesbian. That's for her to decide and figure out. I don't care. I'll love her regardless. I was just shocked at how she was so against penetration of any kind besides fingers that's all.

I do know that not all gay, kinked etc people are the same.

 

[DeservingBitch]

Thank you for your post.

It was so long ago when I first tried tampons and yes, I was scared too. At that time I was in high school and at a university for a journalism workshop. My roommate had some and she talked me into trying them. I don't remember it being hard to put in or use once I screwed up my courage.

I was thinking I had really messed up her experience a few years ago when she tried them.

It was good to hear your thoughts!

On the tampon issue: you may want to point her to alternatives to tampons and pads.

I've been using a 'Keeper' for some years now, and it is much better, healthier, and cheaper than tampons. I also find it much more comfortable. However, it takes a little bit of practice at first to insert/take it out properly, and maybe not the best option for someone who's already having anxieties around inserting stuff in their vagina.

A natural sponge however could be a better option. Also tend to feel much better than a tampon, it's natural so healthier as well than tampons, and from what i've heard from friends who use them, no difficult at all to insert/take out.

Also, most women don't menstruate much while in water (i'm not sure why - i think it has something to do with the vagina's entry closing when your body gets in the water). So another option for the beach could be to go without anything for as long as she is in the water, and then go put a pad and put some shorts on top of her bathing suit to cover it.

Finally, talking to her about discovering her own body could also help. Many young girls are afraid of using tampons because they don't know and don't understand their own body.

Hope this helps.

 

[sunandshadow]

Also, most women don't menstruate much while in water (i'm not sure why - i think it has something to do with the vagina's entry closing when your body gets in the water). So another option for the beach could be to go without anything for as long as she is in the water, and then go put a pad and put some shorts on top of her bathing suit to cover it.

Also just that the water's probably cold, and cold slows blood loss from wounds and blood circulation in skin due to capilary constriction.

Me, I've been swimming lots of time during my period without wearing a pad or tampon or anything, and what I had problems with was the cold making my cramps worse, not bleeding.

 

[Equinoxe]

Well, it's not entirely uncommon and there several reasons why a woman, lesbian or otherwise, might have an aversion to penetration.

Some women have fear or anxiety associated with penetration and in those cases they may "outgrow" their dislike, or seek help with it, or not. Other women just have no particular attraction or fondness for penetration, may even find it physically unpleasant, or both, which is a matter of personal preference (or uncoöperative anatomy). There are also women who are opposed to penetration on philosophical grounds, but that is clearly not the case with your friend, I think, and not as common now as it was in the 1970s.

I don't know your friend and I won't be attempting to psychoanalyse her over the internet (I'm not very good at it anyway), but it's entirely possible that she will change her mind with time as she becomes better acquainted with herself. Especially given the issues of her past that you mentioned. In any case, her feelings are not uncommon and are not even necessarily problematic, but that is something for her to decide about.

 

[Etoile]

I see two different questions - do many lesbians hate penetration, and is that what's going on with my friend?

Some lesbians hate penetration due to bad experiences with men. Some lesbians hate penetration due to being so hyper-feminist that it's a matter of rejecting anything patriarchal. Some lesbians hate penetration because they view themselves as masculine or stone butch, and men aren't supposed to like penetration. Some lesbians just don't like it.

Is any of that what's going on with your teenage friend? Maybe, maybe not. Unfortunately, it sounds like she was really messed up by a male relative when she was a child. Even her fantasy life can be seen as a product of that - it's not uncommon for someone who has had bad experiences with one gender to turn their focus completely on the other gender. Her fear of penetration is definitely not related to her lesbianism, it's related to whatever bad experiences she's had. She may associate it with being a lesbian, but the number of lesbians who reject all penetration is pretty small, and I'd say it has much more to do with her personal history.

 

[FurryFury]

On the tampon issue: you may want to point her to alternatives to tampons and pads.

I've been using a 'Keeper' for some years now, and it is much better, healthier, and cheaper than tampons. I also find it much more comfortable. However, it takes a little bit of practice at first to insert/take it out properly, and maybe not the best option for someone who's already having anxieties around inserting stuff in their vagina.

A natural sponge however could be a better option. Also tend to feel much better than a tampon, it's natural so healthier as well than tampons, and from what i've heard from friends who use them, no difficult at all to insert/take out.

Also, most women don't menstruate much while in water (i'm not sure why - i think it has something to do with the vagina's entry closing when your body gets in the water). So another option for the beach could be to go without anything for as long as she is in the water, and then go put a pad and put some shorts on top of her bathing suit to cover it.

Finally, talking to her about discovering her own body could also help. Many young girls are afraid of using tampons because they don't know and don't understand their own body.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for your suggestions! I will research a bit more and talk with her about this.

I do know she at least masturbates and has finger penetrated herself.

 

[FurryFury]

Also just that the water's probably cold, and cold slows blood loss from wounds and blood circulation in skin due to capilary constriction.

Me, I've been swimming lots of time during my period without wearing a pad or tampon or anything, and what I had problems with was the cold making my cramps worse, not bleeding.

Right cold water is supposed to retard bleeding while warm water helps it flow.

That always confused me in movies and shit. I wanted to kill myself in a tub of warm water but from what I'd seen water make you NOT bleed as much. I got that shit straight eventually though.

 

[FurryFury]

Well, it's not entirely uncommon and there several reasons why a woman, lesbian or otherwise, might have an aversion to penetration.

Some women have fear or anxiety associated with penetration and in those cases they may "outgrow" their dislike, or seek help with it, or not. Other women just have no particular attraction or fondness for penetration, may even find it physically unpleasant, or both, which is a matter of personal preference (or uncoöperative anatomy). There are also women who are opposed to penetration on philosophical grounds, but that is clearly not the case with your friend, I think, and not as common now as it was in the 1970s.

I don't know your friend and I won't be attempting to psychoanalyse her over the internet (I'm not very good at it anyway), but it's entirely possible that she will change her mind with time as she becomes better acquainted with herself. Especially given the issues of her past that you mentioned. In any case, her feelings are not uncommon and are not even necessarily problematic, but that is something for her to decide about.

I agree with you. I just want her to be a fully functional and happy human being. It scares me when she is so anti things that she could enjoy but that's her journey to go on.

 

[FurryFury]

I see two different questions - do many lesbians hate penetration, and is that what's going on with my friend?

Some lesbians hate penetration due to bad experiences with men. Some lesbians hate penetration due to being so hyper-feminist that it's a matter of rejecting anything patriarchal. Some lesbians hate penetration because they view themselves as masculine or stone butch, and men aren't supposed to like penetration. Some lesbians just don't like it.

Is any of that what's going on with your teenage friend? Maybe, maybe not. Unfortunately, it sounds like she was really messed up by a male relative when she was a child. Even her fantasy life can be seen as a product of that - it's not uncommon for someone who has had bad experiences with one gender to turn their focus completely on the other gender. Her fear of penetration is definitely not related to her lesbianism, it's related to whatever bad experiences she's had. She may associate it with being a lesbian, but the number of lesbians who reject all penetration is pretty small, and I'd say it has much more to do with her personal history.

Thanks for your post. It made a lot of sense to me. I'm too woefully ignorant of too many things. You helped me with your words.

 

[playwithlezli]

I can't tell you about lesbians in general, but for me, I am not too keen on penetration, whether or not I was with a man or a woman. A lot of it has to do with my anatomy, penetration can only be shallow or it hurts.

I must admit, in my head I assosiate penetration and hetro sex so seldom desire it for woman-on-woman loving, but sometimes a little is good.

My girlfriend however, has no such hang-ups, still, she has to be in the right mood for it.

Other than that I think Desirable Bitch had some really good points.

As to menstration, I use "Instead" a disposable cup, but I wash it when I empty it so it lasts me a whole cycle. I used to use a Diva Cup, a re-usable silicone cup but I just couldn't get a comfortable fit with it.

 

[playwithlezli]

A friend once pointed out that penises were actually vagina shaped. Puts a whole different slant on it if you are thinking about phallic objects.

 

[FurryFury]

I can't tell you about lesbians in general, but for me, I am not too keen on penetration, whether or not I was with a man or a woman. A lot of it has to do with my anatomy, penetration can only be shallow or it hurts.

I must admit, in my head I assosiate penetration and hetro sex so seldom desire it for woman-on-woman loving, but sometimes a little is good.

My girlfriend however, has no such hang-ups, still, she has to be in the right mood for it.

Other than that I think Desirable Bitch had some really good points.

As to menstration, I use "Instead" a disposable cup, but I wash it when I empty it so it lasts me a whole cycle. I used to use a Diva Cup, a re-usable silicone cup but I just couldn't get a comfortable fit with it.

Thanks for your post. I actually almost got an instead pack before my vacation this year but I figured it wouldn't work for her due to the whole putting something up in there anti thing she has. I asked her about. She confirmed that.

I almost got it for me too but it says not to use it with an IUD.

 

[Night_Jasmine]

Going to sound idiotic but I'm learning new stuff. Honestly, all I knew that was out there for that time of the month were tampons and pads. I have no idea about this other stuff.

 

[FurryFury]

Going to sound idiotic but I'm learning new stuff. Honestly, all I knew that was out there for that time of the month were tampons and pads. I have no idea about this other stuff.

It's pretty new to me too. I first heard about this things a Lit.

I know what you mean.

 

[Etoile]

Thanks for your post. It made a lot of sense to me. I'm too woefully ignorant of too many things. You helped me with your words.

I am so pleased to be of help!