hi, i'm new here and would like a bit of advice

[bunny bondage]

hey there everyone! i'm a long time reader (well, a couple of years) but i've never posted here before. i was wondering if you guys could possibly fling a little advice my way. i'm currently in a new relationship (well, not exactly a relationship, it's pretty complicated) but anyway, the sex is grand although i would like to add a little more spice to it. what's a good way to broach the subject? how do i tactfully say "how about you tie me up, claw my back, and spank me" ? it just seems a little akward when i say it out loud....i've been dropping subtle hints here and there, but i'm not sure if he's reading me and ignoring it because it's not his thing, or if he's just dense. i know, i should have sent this to aspasia, but for some reason, my email's rather ticky. any help or tales of similar experiences would be great. thanks so much! ^_^

 

[sugardaddy]

well i think having you say "how about you tie me up, claw my back, and spank me" works wonders for me. I know I would listen.

Sugardaddy.

 

[artful]

the sex is grand although i would like to add a little more spice to it. what's a good way to broach the subject?

Not having a lot to go on here,...I can't offer SPECIFIC advice,...but I will say,...COMMUNICATION is the answer. With some,...open and direct statements might be best,...but I would recommend a subtle approach.

Discuss the TOPIC of BDSM with your S/O,...bring it up a few times in conversation,...see it they pick up the ball and run with it.

 

[bunny bondage]

heh, thanks. i have considered the blunt route, but i just don't want to put him in a position where he thinks that he's obligated to do something that's really not his cup of tea. besides, it's not as much fun if i have to come right out and say it! i guess i'm looking for an alternative to brutal honesty....which is of course the most direct route to a solution to this situation. so yeah, i might be asking the impossible. i appreciate the feedback, sugardaddy and artful, and i might just end up taking it! ^_^

 

[WriterDom]

Try putting on a short skirt and no panties and crawl over his lap saying "I've been a very bad girl."

 

[Guest]

Yum!

Try putting on a short skirt and no panties and crawl over his lap saying "I've been a very bad girl."

Oh my WriterDom, that sounds delicious!! (fanning myself) My favorite position!

Bunny - communication is the key, of course. If you're shy, don't know what to say, don't know how he'll react, etc. maybe you could print one of the stories on the site that arouses you and leave it for him to read when you are not around (leave it in his briefcase, his car - I don't know - whatever works for you)

Then you MUST bring up the subject with him. You could always say - do you want to try what they did in this story? I think it might be exciting - if he has a script to follow perhaps it will make it easier for him to try. Just a thought!

(of course, he may just be waiting for the cue to paddle your ass - so you may be surprised at his positive reaction!)

Good luck!!

 

[lovetoread]

Try putting on a short skirt and no panties and crawl over his lap saying "I've been a very bad girl."

That does not always work,WD. lol,I tried it.


Sit him down and explain what you want,its up to him whether he wants to go along or not.

I wish you luck,but you cannot change a person into what you want him to be.

 

[Lancecastor]

Hi. Your profile says you're a 20 year old college student, so WriterDom's advice would work on me in a nanosecond.

When I was a student, I wanted to tie up and spank my g/f verrrrrry much, but in retrospect I don't think I was quite as smooth or confident in raising the subject with her as I would be now.

Starting with a good book on the subject and leaving it somewhere he will see it (bathroom, e.g.) might be a subtle start.

 

[WriterDom]

You also have to consider that he may be one of those guys, or should I say people, who have no interest at all in anything related to bdsm. Or he could be a sub. Give him a spanking and see how he reacts.

 

[Sandia]

Yes, I think I'd try the leaving-the-book out route over telling him what you want. Or pictures, or stories, or toys. And WD is right: if it's not his thing, it's not going to work.

 

[~Dream~]

Honesty is Your key

Being open and honest in ANY relationship and most especially ,BDSM is EXTREMELY important...Dont let your "fears be your guide" ,believe me I know,been there,done that,got the t-shirt..

Trust in the fact that more than likely ,your partner truly cares for you and DOES wish to know more about Your needs and desires..

Worked for me,It was Not easy at all But I set a goal ,to find a Master to guide me and train me to be a good slave,and what do ya know? I pursued & pursued till I got one ..

Communication and being open & Honest is your key to happiness.You will Never go wrong using either one..

BTW.."Good Luck!!"

 

[bunny bondage]

wow, thanks so much you guys! i really appreciate the outpour of advice and suggestions! ^_^ i like the idea about leaving a story "lying around" for him to find. i had no idea the lit community was so nice and helpful! thanks a billion! and i plan to keep posting now that i know everybody here is so sweet! and i will communicate with him, i know it's the only thing to do, i guess i just needed to hear it from other experienced people. thanks!

 

[NemoAlia]

*stepping once again into my unofficial librarian role*

While you're at it, bunny, here's the "Exploration" section of the BDSM Talk Library. I don't know whether you'll find all your answers on these past threads, but hopefully it'll at least be some interesting reading!

I am "exploring" what is known as BDSM begun by riff on 02-23-2002
exlporing bdsm online begun by petrel on 02-23-2002
Exploring submissivness begun by Gilly Bean on 02-24-2002
Am I Domme? begun by Unregistered on 03-02-2002
"Oh sure..I'm into BDSM. What's BDSM?" begun by JazzManJim on 02-23-2002
How did you discover.... begun by Caria Knight on 03-02-2002
sometimes not sure... and i'm searching... begun by vixenshe on 03-17-2002
Somewhat new to BDSM begun by ShiningEyes on 03-21-2002
Where do I go? begun by litsam on 03-30-2002
Being spanked.... begun by TexasAngel28 on 04-02-2002
first experiences begun by WriterDom on 04-08-2002
I've Never Had a Spanking begun by Savage Kitten on 02-27-2002
Help me! Curious and poised on the brink... begun by arcticfox on 04-18-2002
OK, so what the hell am I? Sick? begun by Cirrus on 06-12-2002
I was searching, and now I've found it, and I'm a little scared... begun by vixenshe on 05-10-2002
Pondering... begun by lilminx on 06-29-2002
When did you knkow? begun by Cirrus on 07-05-2002


Heh -- you know that I only post these links 'cause I've got a thing for girls in wading boots, right?

 

[zipman]

Try putting on a short skirt and no panties and crawl over his lap saying "I've been a very bad girl."

I think WD hit the nail on the head. I think making a comment in a joking fashion about getting a spanking is a good way to start. He may take you up on it right away. If not, you can always opt for more direct communication.

When I was younger I would use this technique a lot. Make the spanking joke, see her reaction, and you can tell if she/he is interested or not.

 

[UCE]

A book left lying around is good. Choose one with a half-naked slave on the cover, like _Humiliated Dancer of Gor_, lol. (I made up that title, but any old Gor paperback should do.)

If you're brave, go down to wherever they sell adult toys and buy a little whip. (Get one that doesn't feel too sharp when you hit it against your arm.) Either show it to him with a "look what I found in the dirty bookstore--want to play with it with me? --giggle--!" or leave it out on the bed where he will see it with a pretty ribbon tying it to a red rose and a tiny, "To my Lover" card. How anyone could miss a hint like that would be beyond me, but if he does, I'd say it's a pretty good indication he's not interested.

Uh, here's one more I just thought of: have a girlfriend you trust write the words "SPANK ME" (or be more wordy: "SPANK MY NAUGHTY ROUND BUNS") in bright colored felt pen on your buns on a day he is scheduled to come over. Then, when you strip for sex, be sure to take off your clothes with your back to him.

 

[UCE]

Oh, one more. What I did with my first husband after we'd known each other for a couple of years (I was about 20 then) was told him I was reading this real hot sex book called _Story of O_ (get the book--it is hot) and that I wanted to read some to him while we had sex. Then I would straddle him and read him particularly steamy S&M scenes from the book. He had to do most of the work, pushing up because I had to hold still to see the words, but that didn't seem to be a problem for him.

After a few of those read-and-fuck sessions he was willing to try some real S&M with me and we had a hot night one night. He wasn't tempermentally suited to it, however, so we didn't do much after that.

 

[bunny bondage]

good news! i took your combined advice, bit the bullet and went for it. and success! i tried a few hints, and after seeing his good reactions, started to be more and more forward. early in the day i started out by dressing up in a pleated skirt and a button-up top. not to toot my own horn, but i was pretty cute! i had on a pair of black thong panties (he loves those) and i made it a point to "accidently" give him glimpses under my skirt. after touching myself in public where only he could see, he said "oh, you're bad" and so i turned around and lifted up my skirt. and WHACK! he didn't even have to think about it! later, i playfully attacked him and he grabbed my wrists. i gave him that "this is turning me on" look and he took the cue, pushing my arms behind my back and holding them there with one hand while pulling my leg across his lap so i was straddling him. so i guess it's safe to say that things are going swimmingly! thanks you guys! with all of you assuring me that this was the right thing to do, i knew i just had to try! ^_^

 

[NemoAlia]

*fanning myself*

Whew -- bunny! You've certainly turned up the temperature. Congratulations on your success!

 

[lovetoread]

Cool!

lol,he must have a thought or two about it himself.

 

[bunny bondage]

yeah, i can only assume that he was on the same wavelength as me! i guess i got lucky! (pardon the pun) i guess i had a good basis for assumption though, you see, this guy was my english prof. a few semesters ago. i know it's kinda cliche, but the whole teacher/student thing usually accomponies bdsm in at least some form, and i held out high hopes that he could easily slip into the role of "disciplinarian". and no, he's not my teacher right now, so we're not doing anything unproffessional! sure, he teaches at the school i attend, but we looked it up in the handbook, and he can't get fired or anything. the worst reprocussion is that we're a topic of gossip around the english department faculty. but hey, i think it's kinda cute! "they're just jealous!" he says. if only they knew the whole story, they'd REALLY have something to talk about!

 

[Guest]

good news! i took your combined advice, bit the bullet and went for it. and success!. . . ^_^

Oh - I'm so happy for you both! It is so fun to be playfully "naughty" and await the happy "punishment". Big sigh!!

On the other side of this, it's always so sad for me to hear about someone's much-wanted fantasy left forever unexplored because of their shyness, embarrassment, or a lack of communication with their partner. Often this happens in long-married couples. Sometimes what it takes is for someone to take that big first step (which you did quite well, apparently!!)

Good for you! CONGRATULATIONS!!!

 

[bunny bondage]

i totally agree. true, it was hard to overcome my shyness and hike up my skirt, but it was SO worth it! i really hope that everybody who's looking for more in their love-life takes that step and just plunges! i can only hope that all those who are embarrassed about their desires and unsure of how to approach their lover come here and ask you guys for advice!! ^_^

 

[subtledecadence]

Oh, one more. What I did with my first husband after we'd known each other for a couple of years (I was about 20 then) was told him I was reading this real hot sex book called _Story of O_ (get the book--it is hot)

~Laughing~
The Story of O was going to be my advice! When my Dominant and I went out on O/our first date, neither of U/us had any idea what the O/other may or may not be into. As I had come out of my first D/s relationship a few months prior, I KNEW that only a D/s relationship would be satisfying for me. So as W/we talked that first night, (and talked and talked... amazing how much time there is to talk when you end up lost, isn't it?) and He asked me about my interests. Instead of coming right out and saying "being Dominated, and whipped regularly" (that seemed a bit much for a first date) I mentioned that I loved reading. Which lead to His asking what I was reading at the time and my mentioning the Story of O. (a lil fib since I had actually read the book 3 yrs. before this) He had never heard of the book, and asked what it was about. When I told Him, He then asked if I myself was a submissive or interested in that Lifestyle. I smiled, said that yes I was and that in all actuality I was not interested in any other type of relationship. Which in turn made Him smile, as He then told me He had alway's been the "dominant" one in the bedroom and in most other aspects of a relationship, though never in a formal? strictly defined? way, (sometimes the right word just isn't there... Hope the meaning is) and yet that had been something He'd long desired, provided He could find the right submissive. Turns out the right one was me! So, Yeah, ~laugh~ what she said!

subtle

 

[subtledecadence]

Oops...

~laugh~ As usual, I'm a bit late... But, I did get to go back over some very good memories Glad it went well for you.

subtle

 

[bunny bondage]

heh, thanks for sharing your experience anyway! as for an update on my situation, i am currently writing this standing up, as i find sitting to be suddenly less comfortable than it was yesterday (if you get my drift )