Helping Dom get his groove back - coping with unemployment

[paisleyavenger]

Hello Litsters,
I have a bit of a conundrum and am hoping to elicit your varied perspectives on my situation.

Brief background: I've been a pyl with my PYL for over a year. About 2 months ago, he moved into my apartment. Shortly thereafter, his job was not renewed (vending tech support for a large company – the whole contract was not renewed). He’s drawing unemployment and is job hunting.

The issue: We’re M/s, and I feel like we’re slipping out of that. I want him to reassert his sense of being a Master.

Details: When not job hunting, he’s playing MMORGs and sleeping odd hours (16ish a day, usually during working hours, and often when I get home). His smoking has increased drastically and he’s just not taking care of himself. I'm worried.

The long and the short of it is that his behavior is less dominant and self-respecting than it was when he was employed. I find myself reacting unfavorably to these changes and do not know how (or even if) to initiate realignment of our power distribution.

I’m worried I’ll just make his stress worse by freaking him out about relationship stuff and loose him even further to MMORGs. Do I wait for his job situation to improve? I have more power than I want to right now, and I’m uncomfortable about adding relationship steering too.

Somewhat tangential – he’s always been pretty lax, and has enjoyed that I’m service oriented and do as he asks. Lately, I’ve been feeling at loose ends. I told him today that I felt I could do more, offer more. His response was that I do as I’m asked, and often more, and that this satisfies him, and that I’m being a perfectionist unnecessarily. (I am so guilty of perfectionism). I don’t know what to do with that, especially in this context of unemployment. I want to help him feel better, but I don’t know how.

Realizing these are very personal, subjective issues, I’d cherish any advice or shared experience that readers would care to share. I hope to simply chalk this up to him not feeling very empowered since he is unemployed, but wonder if his being unemployed has revealed something that warrants being addressed anyway.

Thank you for your time.

 

[DVS]

Hello Litsters,
I have a bit of a conundrum and am hoping to elicit your varied perspectives on my situation.

Brief background: I've been a pyl with my PYL for over a year. About 2 months ago, he moved into my apartment. Shortly thereafter, his job was not renewed (vending tech support for a large company – the whole contract was not renewed). He’s drawing unemployment and is job hunting.

The issue: We’re M/s, and I feel like we’re slipping out of that. I want him to reassert his sense of being a Master.

Details: When not job hunting, he’s playing MMORGs and sleeping odd hours (16ish a day, usually during working hours, and often when I get home). His smoking has increased drastically and he’s just not taking care of himself. I'm worried.

The long and the short of it is that his behavior is less dominant and self-respecting than it was when he was employed. I find myself reacting unfavorably to these changes and do not know how (or even if) to initiate realignment of our power distribution.

I’m worried I’ll just make his stress worse by freaking him out about relationship stuff and loose him even further to MMORGs. Do I wait for his job situation to improve? I have more power than I want to right now, and I’m uncomfortable about adding relationship steering too.

Somewhat tangential – he’s always been pretty lax, and has enjoyed that I’m service oriented and do as he asks. Lately, I’ve been feeling at loose ends. I told him today that I felt I could do more, offer more. His response was that I do as I’m asked, and often more, and that this satisfies him, and that I’m being a perfectionist unnecessarily. (I am so guilty of perfectionism). I don’t know what to do with that, especially in this context of unemployment. I want to help him feel better, but I don’t know how.

Realizing these are very personal, subjective issues, I’d cherish any advice or shared experience that readers would care to share. I hope to simply chalk this up to him not feeling very empowered since he is unemployed, but wonder if his being unemployed has revealed something that warrants being addressed anyway.

Thank you for your time.

It takes time to accept the reality of unemployment. Contrary to what a lot of people think, good jobs are hard to find. And when you've been employed for years, sudden unemployment takes a part of you and smashes it into the dust. You suffer, but you suffer in a different way than you might think. You see jobs you know you could do with your eyes closed being given to less experienced people.

You really start to wonder, not just about your employable abilities, but it hits you in your gut, because you see the bills totaling up, and unemployment benefits are very basic. After a while, you start to rethink your situation as if you may never get another job, at least one that pays as well as the one you lost.

Tread lightly with your unemployed friend. He's probably in a strange state of mind right now, especially if he's never been unemployed before. And this economy is not the best for someone looking for a job. It's very much an employer's market, so he might end up being forced to take a lower paying job, and even a lower position than he had. Sure it sucks and I really don't think it's even fair. But, it's the times we live in. And it's not going to be easy for him to deal with this reality.

There are also people out there who are willing to work for much less. Mostly, they are also less educated or less experienced, but employers will be looking for the best candidate for the least amount of cash. They are hurting, too. They will be expecting more from employees and giving them less. Looking for a job in this kind of atmosphere is not fun.

I understand your situation, but I really don't have an answer for you other than to try and explain what he is probably going through. It's a shock to your system to be thrust into unemployment like he was. Good luck and I wish him well in his job hunt.

 

[CutieMouse]

Sometimes life gets in the way, and D/s (M/s) takes a back seat. In those moments, sometimes strength is the best service one can offer.

Sleeping 16 hours a day, avoiding loved ones, smoking more, and escaping into video games could all be symptoms of depression. That is the most pressing issue; not "does his behavior while unemployed = not who/what I thought he was." Is it possible some things are surfacing that you'd otherwise not notice? Possibly. Is it just as possible he's struggling with a dominant mindset because real life just kicked his ass? Yep.

See if he'll talk to someone. A career counselor, someone at the unemployment office, his Dr., friends, etc. I get the "lost" feeling, but feeling lost is a luxury when your partner is unemployed & depressed. M/s might need to take a back seat, or at least slow down for a bit. Shift your focus and utilize those service skills - helping job hunt, write/edit resumes, help find networking organizations, etc.

 

[paisleyavenger]

Thank you both so much for your advice. I think you each hit points I needed to hear. Cutie, rereading my remarks in light of yours, I thank you for reminding me that its still a relationship and that power dynamics can validly take a backseat while life gets in the way. (And wow, thanks for being gentle in pointing out how selfish some of my concerns are) I love the hell outta him and wasn't seeing what I could do to help. His behaviors sounded a bit depressed to me too. We'll look into talking with someone, definitely.

DVS, thankyou for your insight into what it might be like for him. He's not Mr. Feelings, so I didn't really have a feel for it.

I feel less scared and more able to help. We won't be having a Relationship Talk, bc its not needed and I have better ideas for assisting!

 

[DVS]

Thank you both so much for your advice. I think you each hit points I needed to hear. Cutie, rereading my remarks in light of yours, I thank you for reminding me that its still a relationship and that power dynamics can validly take a backseat while life gets in the way. (And wow, thanks for being gentle in pointing out how selfish some of my concerns are) I love the hell outta him and wasn't seeing what I could do to help. His behaviors sounded a bit depressed to me too. We'll look into talking with someone, definitely.

DVS, thankyou for your insight into what it might be like for him. He's not Mr. Feelings, so I didn't really have a feel for it.

I feel less scared and more able to help. We won't be having a Relationship Talk, bc its not needed and I have better ideas for assisting!

It may or may not be depression at this point, but it is surely a form of shock and/or disbelief of and a subconscious nonacceptance of his situation, which could evolve into depression. Boy, that was a mouth full!

I experienced this myself. You first tend to act as if it's a forced vacation and decide to relax for a while. But, that feeling can take hold because of the state of mind you're in. Some snap out of it on their own and move into the stage of looking for work (getting organized, writing resumes, contacting head hunters, setting up search engines, networking, etc.), but others can sink into a kind of depression, or at least what may look like depression to others.

 

[VladHarkonnen]

Its going to be difficult for him to control you when he feels so little control over his own life. Until he can get that back, he's going to have issues.

I know you can't make him do it but one thing I can suggest...something that's always helped me a lot...working out. Your body is the one thing you can always control and, barring health issues, no one...no employer...no bad relationship...no unsuccessful interview that you thought you nailed...can take that away from you. When you put effort into yourself (and he has the time to do it) and you see results, it's very empowering.

 

[Ruby_Atom]

I have experienced something like this with my husband in the last few years, only while it was happening, I didn't really understand what was happening and I just plain didn't have the experience or knowledge of how to deal with the situation. It wasn't unemployment, but unemployment was a symptom. After years of frustration, we finally found the right sort of help (a psychologist who was very good) and were able to nail down the problem and ways to deal with it. It took time, but it was a big turning point in his life and our relationship.

While things were really bad, I found it impossible to submit to him. I was just not in a mental state where I could do it, though he still wanted to do things, so it created a lot of tension between us. On top of that, I spent a lot of time working and vented all my built up frustration in other ways. In the end, I put my foot down about him getting professional help, because I just couldn't live that way anymore. One of the worst things is seeing someone you love fall apart and feeling powerless to do anything about it.

Understanding the real problem is crucial to finding a way out. If the underlying issue is not discovered, you end up with years of pain. I think most people in my situation would have ended the relationship, but for better or worse, I'm a person who doesn't give up. If I care about something, I'm 100% balls in.

Anyway, the gist of my story is that first you have to work on the person, and then other things will fall in line.