Helping a Vanilla wife get over her inhibitions

[Byakuya]

My wife is not at all into the whole BDSM scene. I really would like to take our sexual relationship in this direction, but I don't know how to get her over her inhibitions. I like the idea of alternating top and bottom, but she has a very low tolerance for pain, so doubt she'd ever be willing to be a bottom. I'm willing to be the bottom only if that's what it takes. I would love for her to abuse me in all sorts of ways, but I'm afraid she won't understand and she'll think I'm psycho or something. Does anyone have any ideas about how we could start our relationship moving in this direction without it being a big shock for her? Sorry if I missused any of the terminology. BDSM is a very new concept for me.

 

[myinnerslut]

talk to her about it.. start off simple wityh exhanging fantasies or something until you are more comfortable telling her about what you would like BDSM wise

and take a look at some of the recent threads, there has been a lot in this topic lately, mabye sombody else can pull the threads up for you

here is a link to one such thread
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=144984

 

[beachgurl3]

Not so sure it is a matter of inhibitions. Some people are just not into it.

 

[trojan_man_co]

hmmmm

Sorry if I missused any of the terminology. BDSM is a very new concept for me.

It sounds (and correct me if I’m wrong) as though you yourself are quite new to BDSM and don’t really know what you want, you just like the idea of it all. Before you broach the subject with your wife and potentially risk your relationship, you should figure out if this is just a mental kink you enjoy or something you really do desire in real life, and further how bad you need it. At one part you said if you, HAD TO, you’d be willing to be bottom, but through out the rest of your post you seem to have a desire to be a top stating how she has a low pain tolerance so you guess she couldn’t be bottom. Being sub doesn’t = pain unless you wish to incorporate that as well into the relationship side of dom sub. You yourself it seems are confused as to what you want. Before you talk with her and potential alter your relationship you should learn more and explore BDSM to see if this is something you really want and really need.


-Trojan-

 

[Byakuya]

well, one time she said that she'd like to tie me to the bed.. but I'm not sure if she was serious or not.. she has a very Norman Rockwell type upbringing if you know what I mean.. but I just can't bring myself to accept the idea that she'll never come around! maybe next time she says that I should test her and say something like "sounds like fun!"

 

[Byakuya]

It sounds (and correct me if I’m wrong) as though you yourself are quite new to BDSM and don’t really know what you want, you just like the idea of it all. Before you broach the subject with your wife and potentially risk your relationship, you should figure out if this is just a mental kink you enjoy or something you really do desire in real life, and further how bad you need it. At one part you said if you, HAD TO, you’d be willing to be bottom, but through out the rest of your post you seem to have a desire to be a top stating how she has a low pain tolerance so you guess she couldn’t be bottom. Being sub doesn’t = pain unless you wish to incorporate that as well into the relationship side of dom sub. You yourself it seems are confused as to what you want. Before you talk with her and potential alter your relationship you should learn more and explore BDSM to see if this is something you really want and really need.

-Trojan-

good advice Trojan! I'm glad I found these forums! I hope all the experienced people on here don't mind a newbie lurking around

I think I didn't come across the right way with what I mentioned about being the bottom.. the idea of being a bottom turns me on as much as the idea of being a top.. Ideally I'd like to switch roles.. but I'd rather be bottom-only than strictly vanilla..

 

[CutieMouse]

There's a book by Greenery Press called When someone You Love Is Kinky which might be a good starting place. If nothing else, it might be benificial for you to read it, so you can find a comfortable language to use while discussing it with her- because the first step to moving forward will be communicaton.

Y'all can start at zero and explore together, or you can take some time to wrap your head around your own interests, get comfortable with the idea, and then broach the subject, but you will need to discuss things- which may or may not give you the results you are interested in.

I'm of the opinion that everyone is kinky- some people just don't know it yet... IMO, unless one's intimacy is limited to 15.6 minutes of penis in vagina sex, for procreational purposes only, one's sexual partner is usually less inhibited than one assumes. As for pain tolerance- not all submissives are masochists, and not all masochists are submissives... there is more to BDSM than pain.

You might also surf through the library thread pinned at the top of the forum; feel free to ask questions as you think of them, and I'm sure you'll get a wealth of answers.

 

[Byakuya]

I think you're right about communication.. we have both been pretty bad about communicating about sex over the years.. it's weird that it doesn't feel akward to do it, but it feels akward to talk about doing it.. I guess my first step with her is to improve our communication about sex in general.. once we're both comfortable talking about lots of stuff, maybe I can start bringing up some bdsm topics.. I've also considered giving her some kinky coupons because I think it'd be more comfortable to write it than it would be to say it..

 

[beachgurl3]

well, one time she said that she'd like to tie me to the bed.. but I'm not sure if she was serious or not.. she has a very Norman Rockwell type upbringing if you know what I mean.. but I just can't bring myself to accept the idea that she'll never come around! maybe next time she says that I should test her and say something like "sounds like fun!"

So what DID you say when she said it? Yes, if you want to try something like that, if she says it again, definitely say, Yes, sounds like fun. That is real communication. Why would you consider it a test? That sounds rather manipulative, rather than open, honest communication.

 

[blklthrjkt]

That book, "When Someone You Love Is Kinky", is a great suggestion, Cutie. I personally believe that you are either kinky or not, however some people just need their kinky side stimulated before they come out. I like the use of a blindfold as a first step. This in itself is kinky to some, but few people do not enjoy having nice things done to them while blindfolded. It's a baby step but it might open the door.

The fact may be that she wll never warm to the idea, and if so you need to be prepared for that as well.

 

[beachgurl3]

With valentines day coming up, stores have plenty of "play" bondage type gifts. Furry cuffs and the like. Just don't make that the only gift. It should break the ice and give you something to talk about- or play with.

 

[ltnsfr007]

With valentines day coming up, stores have plenty of "play" bondage type gifts. Furry cuffs and the like. Just don't make that the only gift. It should break the ice and give you something to talk about- or play with.

WAITING

 

[myinnerslut]

I think you're right about communication.. we have both been pretty bad about communicating about sex over the years.. it's weird that it doesn't feel akward to do it, but it feels akward to talk about doing it.. I guess my first step with her is to improve our communication about sex in general.. once we're both comfortable talking about lots of stuff, maybe I can start bringing up some bdsm topics.. I've also considered giving her some kinky coupons because I think it'd be more comfortable to write it than it would be to say it..

a lot of people find talking out loud difficult

in order to get around that sometimes people can try writing things down. when Sir and i were newer to this i kept a journal for him to read my thoughts on certain aspects of BDSM, submission, sex, or anything else related. it was a huge help. when we find ourselves far away becuase of school, i use e-mail or liveournal to say things that may be more difficult to say outloud.

you can adapt this with your wife by each writing down some stuff you might want to try. make a game of it mabye. use your imagaination. but if you find that your not talking due to the difficulty or embarresment of using words, pick up a pen and paper.

 

[leZilla]

With valentines day coming up, stores have plenty of "play" bondage type gifts. Furry cuffs and the like. Just don't make that the only gift. It should break the ice and give you something to talk about- or play with.

This is a good idea to break the ice, but like someone else here mentioned...she just might not be into it. You can't force it. Maybe she will respond to it though and discover something new about herself. The only way to find out is to try. Good luck.

 

[trojan_man_co]

candy land

a lot of people find talking out loud difficult

in order to get around that sometimes people can try writing things down. when Sir and i were newer to this i kept a journal for him to read my thoughts on certain aspects of BDSM, submission, sex, or anything else related. it was a huge help. when we find ourselves far away becuase of school, i use e-mail or liveournal to say things that may be more difficult to say outloud.

you can adapt this with your wife by each writing down some stuff you might want to try. make a game of it mabye. use your imagaination. but if you find that your not talking due to the difficulty or embarresment of using words, pick up a pen and paper.

me and a former girlfriend did a similar thing, we would play games such as clue or something just for fun and the winner would get something from the other.. it was always playful nature like cooking dinner completely nude for the other, being a slave for a night, even writing stories about our fantasies for each other to read and then perform them. she was very shy about the whole thing but after a few games she was soo into trying to beat me at the games that the prizes kept getting bigger n dirtier n she kept getting more and more into it. needless to say when it came time to pay up we not only did the bets but performed them with gusto and even scheduled for rematches because we wanted to try and get pay back

 

[the captians wench]

Not all bottoms are pain sluts. Just as not all tops are sadists. Infact I have a friend that sessions me from time to time and he's not into giving me a lot of pain at all, there have been a few times when I was disapointed that he stopped with just a nice blush on my cheeks insted of the lovely purple welts my other friends leave, but he makes up for it in other ways. He's deffinitly incharge, no questions, and he doesn't have to threaten me for that point to be made clear.

He tends to focas more on light bondage and a lot of sexual commands. I have to ask for permission for everything including when I want an orgasm, and if he's not ready for me to cum well then I'm just out of luck.

When my ex wanted to venture this way, he brought home a "beginer's bondage kit" for valentines. It had a really nice fur lined blind fold, feather tickler, cuff tethers, and I couple other things that I can't remember anymore. It was a decent little kit, and I still have the tethers and blind fold after 3 years. We played a little with tieing me up in different positions and stuff. He also blindfolded me and then grabbed some ice and rubbed it on different parts of my body. That's when I really descovered how much I really liked being bound.

After a while I began to get adventurous, and he admitted to me that he had a desire to be dominated. We tried it, and at times I enjoyed it...infact he let me whip him with some really light weight chains at one point. Later I discovered that I really liked being on the other side of the whip.

Once I was broken into that area, and became comfortable, I could talk a bit more about it. And I was a very very bashful person before.

It's funny because he ended up realizing he really wasn't into this kinda thing, and I totally eat it up.

 

[Byakuya]

So what DID you say when she said it? Yes, if you want to try something like that, if she says it again, definitely say, Yes, sounds like fun. That is real communication. Why would you consider it a test? That sounds rather manipulative, rather than open, honest communication.

I think the main reason I didn't say it was because I was worried she'd say "eww! I was just kidding around! I didn't think you'd really want to do that!" or something..

she seems to have this mental block in her head that only "bad people" do this kind of stuff and she doesn't want to be a bad person.. I need to figure out how to convince her that a little kink doesn't make you a bad person..

 

[Byakuya]

lots of good suggestions! I think that something relatively minor like a blindfold might be a good place to start.. maybe if we go very gradually we can work our way up to the more hardcore stuff.. also it's a good idea using valentine's day as a time to introduce some new things!

it's not like we're never tried anything outside the bounds of regular intercourse.. she'll occationally give me oral and I give her oral quite a bit.. once in a great while she'll let me in her "back door" but more often than not she just has an excuse for everything.. anal makes her feel sick, oral makes her jaw hurt, etc etc.. it's frustrating..

 

[lil_slave_rose]

well, one time she said that she'd like to tie me to the bed.. but I'm not sure if she was serious or not.. she has a very Norman Rockwell type upbringing if you know what I mean.. but I just can't bring myself to accept the idea that she'll never come around! maybe next time she says that I should test her and say something like "sounds like fun!"

here are my two cents, and i'm pretty tired of answering this question as it seems it just keeps getting new threads made, but, if she is not submissive in her heart, she will never get over her 'inhibitions' and be into the 'lifestyle' it's not something that is learned. it's something that is either in you, or not. same with being a Dominant. others will probably disagree with me, and that's fine too we are all different. but i've heard SO many Dom's say that they had these 'Dom Feelings' even as a child, so it was just 'in them' from the get go. i guess it could be 'trained' in a submissive, but it would take a very experienced person to do so, not someone who themselves does not know what it is they even want from the lifestyle. good luck to you....

 

[Byakuya]

here are my two cents, and i'm pretty tired of answering this question as it seems it just keeps getting new threads made, but, if she is not submissive in her heart, she will never get over her 'inhibitions' and be into the 'lifestyle' it's not something that is learned. it's something that is either in you, or not. same with being a Dominant. others will probably disagree with me, and that's fine too we are all different. but i've heard SO many Dom's say that they had these 'Dom Feelings' even as a child, so it was just 'in them' from the get go. i guess it could be 'trained' in a submissive, but it would take a very experienced person to do so, not someone who themselves does not know what it is they even want from the lifestyle. good luck to you....

sorry about that.. thanks for taking the time to answer even though you're tired of the question.. what you say makes sense, even if it is disenheartening.. I just don't know what to do.. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.. on one hand, I love my wife and want to be faithful to her.. but on the other hand, I don't want to go through my whole life without experiencing the kinky lifestyle.. I'm so jealous of the men on here with kinky women..

 

[lil_slave_rose]

sorry about that.. thanks for taking the time to answer even though you're tired of the question.. what you say makes sense, even if it is disenheartening.. I just don't know what to do.. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.. on one hand, I love my wife and want to be faithful to her.. but on the other hand, I don't want to go through my whole life without experiencing the kinky lifestyle.. I'm so jealous of the men on here with kinky women..

well you never know until you try. i'm not saying don't talk to her about it, defiantly have a chat with her, all i'm saying if she is not receptive, and doesn't seem into it..then you can't force her into it..or make her feel something she doesn't....again, i say good luck to you....and i meant no disrespect with my comment about being tired of answering the question, it's just one that gets asked all of them around these parts

 

[CutieMouse]

sorry about that.. thanks for taking the time to answer even though you're tired of the question.. what you say makes sense, even if it is disenheartening.. I just don't know what to do.. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.. on one hand, I love my wife and want to be faithful to her.. but on the other hand, I don't want to go through my whole life without experiencing the kinky lifestyle.. I'm so jealous of the men on here with kinky women..

Okay... a bit of bluntness here...

You have commented that your wife is inhibited, and your sex life is unsatisfactory... you've acknowledged y'all have had oral and anal intercourse (which a heck of a lot of couples haven't experienced BTW, and oh yes, anal does take quite a bit of getting used to, and oral does make a lady's jaw ache- the result of both facts being one usually needs to really enjoy said activites enough to put up with the discomfort [this does take time and mental adjustment]), and that your communication skills with regards to sexual issues are quite poor.

Your wife has mentioned tying you to the bed, but you didn't take advantage of the offer, because you were worried it was some sort of "test", and from what you've written here, you know you are interested in BDSM, and in submitting (although switching would be alright), but have difficulty pinpointing exactly what you want from such a relationship, due to inexperience.

All the same, you are somewhat jealous of men with kinky partners, because they are experiencing things you aren't.

All of these things wrapped up with a pretty bow, make me question if the unsatisfactory sex life isn't as much an issue of your mindset/fantasy versus reality meter/own inhibitions, as it is your partner's social programming with regards to the Madonna/whore complex, 'cause dude- in a lot of average people's minds, a guy with a wife who is willing to try anal sex, sometimes goes down on him, and even jokes about light bondage, is living in a plenty kinky relationship. That doesn't mean it's as kinky as you'd *like*, but you might be inadvertently cotributing to the whole Madonna/whore, good girls don't thing, by not seeing where your relationship is kinked, and using that as a springboard to communicate about, and deepen, those aspects of the relationship.

 

[Byakuya]

Okay... a bit of bluntness here...

You have commented that your wife is inhibited, and your sex life is unsatisfactory... you've acknowledged y'all have had oral and anal intercourse (which a heck of a lot of couples haven't experienced BTW, and oh yes, anal does take quite a bit of getting used to, and oral does make a lady's jaw ache- the result of both facts being one usually needs to really enjoy said activites enough to put up with the discomfort [this does take time and mental adjustment]), and that your communication skills with regards to sexual issues are quite poor.

Your wife has mentioned tying you to the bed, but you didn't take advantage of the offer, because you were worried it was some sort of "test", and from what you've written here, you know you are interested in BDSM, and in submitting (although switching would be alright), but have difficulty pinpointing exactly what you want from such a relationship, due to inexperience.

All the same, you are somewhat jealous of men with kinky partners, because they are experiencing things you aren't.

All of these things wrapped up with a pretty bow, make me question if the unsatisfactory sex life isn't as much an issue of your mindset/fantasy versus reality meter/own inhibitions, as it is your partner's social programming with regards to the Madonna/whore complex, 'cause dude- in a lot of average people's minds, a guy with a wife who is willing to try anal sex, sometimes goes down on him, and even jokes about light bondage, is living in a plenty kinky relationship. That doesn't mean it's as kinky as you'd *like*, but you might be inadvertently cotributing to the whole Madonna/whore, good girls don't thing, by not seeing where your relationship is kinked, and using that as a springboard to communicate about, and deepen, those aspects of the relationship.

wow, you've given me a lot to consider here.. no problem about being blunt.. I didn't come here to feel good, I came here to get answers.. maybe I am part of the problem and I didn't realize it..

it's difficult for me because my ex-girlfriend was really into anal and loved giving me oral so much she begged me to go down on me sometimes.. we didn't get into bondange and stuff, but I'm sure we would have eventually.. she was pretty wild.. it's a shame we couldn't get along outside the bedroom..

anyway, this experience may have led me to have the wrong expectations coming into my marriage with my wife.. she insisted on waiting until we were married to have sex if that tells you anything.. I probably pressed the issue a little too early on in our marriage and drove her away from anything kinky more than making her want to try it.. I know I need to learn to try enticing her with the thought of it rather than getting frustrated when she won't do it.. it's just difficult because I do get frustrated..

on a side note, something else I'm wondering about.. we just had a baby, and I'm starting to think that little guy is going to spell the doom of our love life.. I mean it seems like he demands attention 24-7..

is it even possible to have a D/S lifestyle with a child in the house? is anyone able to pull this off? I sure wouldn't want the kids to find mommy whipping daddy or something.. should I give up all hope?

 

[lil_slave_rose]

wow, you've given me a lot to consider here.. no problem about being blunt.. I didn't come here to feel good, I came here to get answers.. maybe I am part of the problem and I didn't realize it..

it's difficult for me because my ex-girlfriend was really into anal and loved giving me oral so much she begged me to go down on me sometimes.. we didn't get into bondange and stuff, but I'm sure we would have eventually.. she was pretty wild.. it's a shame we couldn't get along outside the bedroom..

I may have had wrong expectations coming into my marriage with my wife.. she insisted on waiting until we were married to have sex if that tells you anything.. I probably pressed the issue a little too early on in our marriage and drove her away from anything kinky more than making her want to try it.. I know I need to learn to try enticing her with the thought of it rather than getting frustrated when she won't do it.. it's just difficult because I do get frustrated..

on a side note, something else I'm wondering about.. we just had a baby, and I'm starting to think that little guy is going to spell the doom of our love life.. I mean he demands attention 24-7..

is it even possible to have a D/S lifestyle with a child in the house? is anyone able to pull this off? I sure wouldn't want the kids to find mommy whipping daddy or something.. should I give up all hope?

wow, of course the baby is going to 'demand attention 24/7' what an odd comment to make about a BABY. what did you think was going to happen?? yes you can have a D/s relationship with children in the house, i have 3 children, and unless you plan on doing sexual things outside of your bedroom, your children will never know about the sexual things you do. for me, our D/s is more than just the 'bedroom activities' i am submissive to Him 24/7, but instead of calling Him Master in front of my kids, i call Him hon, love, or some other form of endearment. we both know who we are to each other and there is no need to throw that out there for my kids to know as well. *skips away from the thread still confused on what he thought a baby would do in terms of taking their time away*

 

[Byakuya]

I know the kid needs attention.. I'm just feeling frustrated and hopeless right now..