Help With Opening

[VanArsedale]

I am a writer by trade, but I have not written fiction for at least 15 years. I write rather dry and boring things about the law. However, I have had a story in my head for months now that needs to come out. My problem is not unusual: getting started and getting a decent opening. I finally have a couple of paragraphs worked up. I'm wondering if anyone can give some feedback. Any thoughts on how effective they are would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

"Normally, I need a cup of coffee or two before I feel completely awake in the morning. However, when my younger sister has just put her mouth around my penis, sucked it all the way down to the base once, and then walked out of my bedroom, it is not a normal morning. It's definitely not what I thought would happen when we moved in together; It's not what I thought would happen when I put on her panties last night; And, it's not what I thought would happen when she caught me wearing those panties this morning.

That is what happened though. I think. Whatever it was, it certainly woke me up. I lay there but I don't know that I have the right word to describe what I felt. Stupefied? Dumbfounded? Shocked? Embarrassed? They all work to one degree or another describe my reaction. I wondered if she was still drunk from the night before. Perhaps, I was still drunk, but it didn't feel like I was. It didn't feel like a dream or my imagination either. My sister had really done that. But, why? To what purpose? And, more importantly, what was I supposed to do now? Was I supposed to chase after her, throw her down and fuck her? Somehow, that didn't seem right. Doing nothing didn't seem right either. I was paralyzed by all of these questions, so of course I did nothing. Eventually, I started thinking about how it all happened."

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

The essential elements are there. Wax on, wax off, Daniel-san.

 

[CarolinaPeach]

Boy that's one big hook right there. I am dying to know all about whatever story you're getting ready to tell. Please please continue this, don't wander off or lose interest. You've got it going on and you need to share it with an audience.

There is a volunteer editor program here and if you want someone to vet your story, there are many to choose from.

http://www.literotica.com/editors/editors.php

Although your writing is so good, I am not sure you really need one.

Keep coming back, I am eager to hear your full story.

 

[lovecraft68]

First, please lose the word penis. This is an erotica site not health class.

Cock, dick, prick, anything but penis.

And the waking up, with the "how did this happen" is fine, but spare some details. You're going on and on with the its not what I thought when she moved in, I wore her panties, she caught me...

I would leave it at the moving in. The panty thing can be explained when you flash back to the night before.

 

[VanArsedale]

First, please lose the word penis. This is an erotica site not health class.

Cock, dick, prick, anything but penis.

And the waking up, with the "how did this happen" is fine, but spare some details. You're going on and on with the its not what I thought when she moved in, I wore her panties, she caught me...

I would leave it at the moving in. The panty thing can be explained when you flash back to the night before.

Thanks for the feedback. I'm not sure I agree on either count, but I will take it into consideration on second draft.

And, thank you, James and Carolina.

 

[Dream_Operator]

A good opening has an inciting incident and provides a reason for the reader to read on and find out what happens next. Your opening accomplishes both of those goals.

I agree with LC, you make too many suggestions about where the plot is going, too early. What you conceal is as important as what you reveal.

I think the challenge for you will be to make the sister's actions believable\plausible.

 

[lovecraft68]

Thanks for the feedback. I'm not sure I agree on either count, but I will take it into consideration on second draft.

And, thank you, James and Carolina.

You're welcome and its your story to do your way so have fun and good luck with it.

 

[sr71plt]

The opening is just fine. So is the word "penis" if it goes with the mood of the rest of the work. It can even be a good use if the protagonist moves more into the rough/nasty during the piece and moves into using a more earthy sex vocabulary as part of the signaling of a transition.

 

[lovecraft68]

The opening is just fine. So is the word "penis" if it goes with the mood of the rest of the work. It can even be a good use if the protagonist moves more into the rough/nasty during the piece and moves into using a more earthy sex vocabulary as part of the signaling of a transition.

Penis makes me think underage, that or something a doctor says, but whatever floats his boat, he asked for opinions.

 

[sr71plt]

I don't think of "penis" as underage (like I think of "pussy"). I think of it as naïve to frank talk of sex, which comes more from older generations than younger ones. I don't use it much either--except in the reticence to openly speak of sexual activities on the part of characters. I'll occasionally throw it in when my favorite--"cock"--seems to be popping up (in a literary sense rather than literally) too much. Although then I'll most likely use "shaft" or "tool." The underage equivalent I think would be "Willy," but even that seems to be used more in the UK than in American writing.

 

[Perfideous]

My thoughts are

Control A, Delete.

It's boring, it isn't plausible and it gives too much away ( as has been said before).

The opening is your hook; we read the opening and are lead into the story. Or not.

You wore her panties, you live alone with your younger sister, she saw you wearing her panties this morning. But you didn't expect her to give you a blowy?

Were you expecting her to get the scrabble board set up for a quick game?

You obviously have reservations about the intro so take this as confirmation your instincts are spot on. Don't force it. The opening will come to you and it will all make sense in relation to the story as a whole and you'll feel a whole lot better about it when you've finished it.

 

[AMoveableBeast]

This section is well done.

"Normally, I need a cup of coffee or two before I feel completely awake in the morning. However, when my younger sister has just put her mouth around my penis, sucked it all the way down to the base once, and then walked out of my bedroom, it is not a normal morning."

I don't consider it boring, at all. As to all the foreshadowing, I find nothing wrong with it. It's an approach that gives the reader a little taste and works as a setup. Plenty of legendary authors has given away more faster.

In regards to the next part, it seems a tiny bit stilted to my hear. Again, nothing at all "wrong" with it. I might try to make the words dance a little more. I might rework it to something like,

"No, this morning I had no need for coffee. This morning I was awake, more awake than I had been in so long. My sister was the obvious source. Her moving in had been energizing, the feel of her panties against my skin, invigorated, the wetness of her lips against me afterward, absolutely caffeinated. I was excited. Stimulated. I worried I might never sleep again."

It is of course your story. Personally, I think you're off to a good start.

 

[VanArsedale]

Again, thanks to those who have given feedback. It will all be taken into consideration.

As for the use of the word "penis," it might not be right there. It was just the word that came to me. I will say that I personally think the words some authors use for genitalia detracts from their stories. You have stories told from all sorts of points of view, but they all say "cock," "cunt," "member," "titty," etc. as often as teenage boys in a locker room who have just discovered the words. I don't think the words add to the eroticism at all. They are just words. Quite often they make the characters less believable as the person the author is trying to portray would not use those words in his or her internal thoughts. It's the author interjecting his language instead of using the character's language.

That's just my two cents. Obviously, opinions differ.

 

[lovecraft68]

I don't think of "penis" as underage (like I think of "pussy"). I think of it as naïve to frank talk of sex, which comes more from older generations than younger ones. I don't use it much either--except in the reticence to openly speak of sexual activities on the part of characters. I'll occasionally throw it in when my favorite--"cock"--seems to be popping up (in a literary sense rather than literally) too much. Although then I'll most likely use "shaft" or "tool." The underage equivalent I think would be "Willy," but even that seems to be used more in the UK than in American writing.

Yeah willy is kind of British, I think "doodle" would be an American little kid word.

Cock is my fav and seems most commonly used, but can get repetitive(I use it all the ay through to keep flow then during an edit swap it out) Shaft I use, Prick, and the old stand by dick. Personally tool is not one I prefer and member makes me roll my eyes.

 

[Bramblethorn]

As for the use of the word "penis," it might not be right there. It was just the word that came to me. I will say that I personally think the words some authors use for genitalia detracts from their stories. You have stories told from all sorts of points of view, but they all say "cock," "cunt," "member," "titty," etc. as often as teenage boys in a locker room who have just discovered the words. I don't think the words add to the eroticism at all. They are just words. Quite often they make the characters less believable as the person the author is trying to portray would not use those words in his or her internal thoughts. It's the author interjecting his language instead of using the character's language.

Yeah, it all depends on the context. "Penis" in this one sets up a feeling of dissonance - it's a prim kind of word in a sexual setting. That might be quite effective for an "I never expected this to happen to me" kind of story.

It's definitely not what I thought would happen when we moved in together; It's not what I thought would happen when I put on her panties last night; And, it's not what I thought would happen when she caught me wearing those panties this morning.

Either change those semicolons to full stops, or decapitalise the following "It's" and "And".

Here I agree with LC, there's something about this that doesn't quite work for me. Just personal taste, but it seems a little too drawn-out. If it was my story I'd probably delete the last third of this - it's still enough to tantalise the reader but doesn't give more detail than it needs.

 

[BonnevilleFlats]

There is nothing wrong with the intro. It sets up the story as well as the characterization of the narrator.

I would keep "penis". It communicates to the reader that the narrator is the sort of man who, when talking to strangers, refers to his male appendage as a "penis". Using the word "penis" also establishes from the get go that this sort of thing doesn't usually happen to this guy, that he's not from one of those families where your sister climbing into bed with you is a regular occurance. Right now, at the beginning of the story, he is trying to process what has happened to him by telling the story. Later -- as he and the readers become more familiar with each other and he has processed things a bit in the telling of the story -- you can switch to more erotic synonymns. But at the very beginning of the story he is shocked at what happened -- waking up with his sister in bed with him and giving him a blow job. Imagine!

 

[lovecraft68]

There is nothing wrong with the intro. It sets up the story as well as the characterization of the narrator.

I would keep "penis". It communicates to the reader that the narrator is the sort of man who, when talking to strangers, refers to his male appendage as a "penis". Using the word "penis" also establishes from the get go that this sort of thing doesn't usually happen to this guy, that he's not from one of those families where your sister climbing into bed with you is a regular occurance. Right now, at the beginning of the story, he is trying to process what has happened to him by telling the story. Later -- as he and the readers become more familiar with each other and he has processed things a bit in the telling of the story -- you can switch to more erotic synonymns. But at the very beginning of the story he is shocked at what happened -- waking up with his sister in bed with him and giving him a blow job. Imagine!

Okay, is he "talking" to someone? No, he's in his own thoughts, which to me, means he is using penis because he uses penis.

If he were talking to "me" the reader it would be, "I know what you're thinking, what would cause my sister to suck on my penis"

Also if he were talking to the reader he can admit he is wearing his sister's panties, and his sister sucked his cock, but hey, let's not use a vulgar word like cock?

I don't know, it could just be my own prejudice with certain words, we all have them. To me reading penis in a sex story is like watching porn where they are using condoms, it cuts into the fantasy.

 

[sr71plt]

It helps to define the character at that point. Every character in your story shouldn't be the same one.

Can I see a male character using the word "penis" and being into the fetish of wearing women's panties in private? Absolutely. They are part and parcel of repressed sexuality

 

[lovecraft68]

It helps to define the character at that point. Every character in your story shouldn't be the same one.

Can I see a male character using the word "penis" and being into the fetish of wearing women's panties in private? Absolutely. They are part and parcel of repressed sexuality

I'll take you at your word, wearing panties is not a fetish I've had. Now sniffing them or masturbating with them, well.....

Like most other topics here, "Penis" is subjective to the individual; reader writer. I just know for me the word is like doing ninety and hitting a speed bump, you're cruising along and its like "Whoa where did that come from."

 

[BadKat135]

First, please lose the word penis. This is an erotica site not health class.

Cock, dick, prick, anything but penis.

And the waking up, with the "how did this happen" is fine, but spare some details. You're going on and on with the its not what I thought when she moved in, I wore her panties, she caught me...

I would leave it at the moving in. The panty thing can be explained when you flash back to the night before.

I agree with lovecraft. Your story is very interesting and begs to be read. I have a feeling even if it were a very long story, it'd be the kind I couldn't put down until I had finished it (and I'm not usually one for the incest fantasies). But penis...? Unless you are trying to be completely analytical of the entire situation, which it sounds like you are confused and trying to figure it out but have a secret desire which isn't analytical, then a different word would be better.

Please keep writing!

 

[sr71plt]

I'll take you at your word, wearing panties is not a fetish I've had. Now sniffing them or masturbating with them, well.....

Like most other topics here, "Penis" is subjective to the individual; reader writer. I just know for me the word is like doing ninety and hitting a speed bump, you're cruising along and its like "Whoa where did that come from."

I've never worn ladies panties either, but I think I've prefer that to wanting to torture and fuck any of my sisters--or even writing about it.

Why don't you just stop plugging away at your personal preference for "penis" and let this author tell his story his way?

 

[LWulf]

I'll come late into the conversation (and please excuse me as I gave a cursory glance over everyone's comments), BUT...

I disagree about using the word "penis". It's use is subjective. It gives insight into a character's psyche and gives color to the black and white world of "cock", "pussy", "tits", "ass".
E.g. If a character is prudish, then they might use "technical" terms than prurient terms.
However, I am not sure if that is your aim...

To focus on the topic question, I have had long talks with friends of the family who were professional writers and I can tell you one thing they said fairly commonly; "If you have trouble with the opening, start with the second chapter or the third or in the middle".

The point is to start with chapters where you have firm ideas. write the few sketchy concepts you have for the first chapter then come back to it later. Flesh out some more concepts you got while writing the other chapters then come back to it again, and again. Soon the opening will have written itself.

Edit: they also suggested to me to write a character sheet for every character to flesh out the character's motivations.
By doing this and the previous concept, you should have a eureka moment where you will say "of course! that's why this character would say "this" or do "that" which, again, should help with chapters that are harder to write.

Sorry for the remedial suggestions, but to me, most of the time, answers can be found by going back to the basics.

 

[VanArsedale]

Thanks again everyone for the suggestions. I am now thinking that perhaps "dick" would be better for this character than "penis." We'll see.

As for the suggestion above about starting with chapter 2, that is solid advice. It's unfortunately does not work for me. No matter what type of writing I might be doing, everything flows from the opening. Once that is down, the rest comes easy. Even it is something as mundane as:

"COMES NOW Plaintiff, Richard P. Cocksmith, and respectfully asks the Court to grant this Motion for XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX"

I need to get that Motion name down first and everything flows from there. It's just the way I think.

 

[sr71plt]

I don't think the author is having any trouble with this opening.

I personally don't use a prewritten character sheet either. It tends to make you want to make use of character traits you've planned that don't have anything to do with what you actually are writing. I do have some traits in mind before I start writing that I know (or think) are going to be used, but I set nothing like this in concrete, which makes it a lot easier to discard when it doesn't turn out to be useful in the story as it writes itself.

To each his own on this, though.

 

[Carnevil9]

Oh, that kind of opening. Never mind.