help with jealousy?

[HisSlave]

Hey....so anyone have an advice on handling jealousy with a Master? Our situation isn't always a D/s one; we're lovers on a friend level too. However, I know he has another. I give him this much - he does try to keep me out of it, as he can. Sometimes that works better than others though and I am emotionally hurt. He doesn't mean for it to happen, but it does.

I love being HisSlave (thus the name here); sexually we are very compatible. I mean, it rocks! But....this knowledge of the other hurts me and he knows it, but doesn't fix it. Thing is, too, I don't know if the other is also a sub, or a friend-lover, or both.

Our relationship is super complicated...

So when emotions and love get into the mix, how do you handle it?

 

[LadyNatasha]

Not everyone is able to handle a Poly relationship. It's extremely difficult and jealousy has absolutely no place in it.

This isn't something He can "fix", nor can you. Either you overcome your jealousy or there are going to continue to be problems. I can tell you from experience that most of those problems will be on your end. Despite your compatibility in other areas, asking someone to stifle who they are ultimately will lead to the demise of the relationship. That goes for both of you.

You need to re-assess the importance of your relationship with him and decide if you'd rather share him and be with him or be alone and monogamous.

Just my two cents.

 

[HisSlave]

Not everyone is able to handle a Poly relationship. It's extremely difficult and jealousy has absolutely no place in it.

You need to re-assess the importance of your relationship with him and decide if you'd rather share him and be with him or be alone and monogamous.

LadyNatasha,
Thanks for the thoughts. I have to say, you aren't telling me anything I haven't already told myself. I'm smart enough to see the writing on the wall; I guess I just don't want to let it go because of the good things about our relationship. Maybe I'm ultimately too strong-willed to be a sub-friend-lover to him if there's someone else in the mix.

Still, if anyone has any advice on how to handle it, let me know. I may still want to work on this.

 

[CutieMouse]

It's difficult, but the best advice is communciate, communicate, communicate... and when you think you've done that enough then you need to sit down and do it again. You don't know the extent of the relationship elsewhere, which IMO feeds fear/lets your imagination take hold.

If he's having a poly relationship then everything/everyone should be open with where they are at and work to find a solution to any hurts. If it's not in the open then IMO it's an affair and there is no solution. You'll either decide it's ok being where you are and stay or decide you aren't and move on.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Not everyone is able to handle a Poly relationship. It's extremely difficult and jealousy has absolutely no place in it.

This isn't something He can "fix", nor can you. Either you overcome your jealousy or there are going to continue to be problems. I can tell you from experience that most of those problems will be on your end. Despite your compatibility in other areas, asking someone to stifle who they are ultimately will lead to the demise of the relationship. That goes for both of you.

You need to re-assess the importance of your relationship with him and decide if you'd rather share him and be with him or be alone and monogamous.

Just my two cents.

Ditto

 

[A Desert Rose]

Chances are good that you aren't going to change and neither is he. Odds are also good (because you've basically said so) that you won't leave him... not at this time, anyway.

So as long as you are going to stay in this relationship and he is not going to change to suit you, find yourself some outside interests to keep your mind off of him... and her. Cultivate friends outside of this relationship, go out and have some fun. If you have to, make yourself do it.

 

[Desdemona]

Sooner or later you will be ready to face the inevitable. When that happens, it will be painful, but it will also be a relief. There really isn't a good way to cope with jealousy in my experience.

As good as this relationship feels (aside from the jealousy), please know that there is something out there that will be equally good for you, if not better. I speak from experience. I've been in your shoes.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Well... I was going to suggest she find herself a second lover but you know what kind of feedback that would get me...

aaaaaahahahahahhaha

and I speak from experience, too.

Personally, I don't believe in burning bridges or missing any opportunity. And who says you have to tell all your secrets? I sure don't tell all of mine. ;-)

 

[Desdemona]

Well... I was going to suggest she find herself a second lover but you know what kind of feedback that would get me...

aaaaaahahahahahhaha

and I speak from experience, too.

Personally, I don't believe in burning bridges or missing any opportunity. And who says you have to tell all your secrets? I sure don't tell all of mine. ;-)

ssshhhhhh heh

 

[chagrin]

There's some very good advice here.

Ultimately, if he won't give up the other person, and you can't control your jealousy, your relationship will have to end.

As hard as it will be to do that, the other scenario is that your relationship will get progressively unpleasant the more marginalised you feel.

What was once beautiful gets tainted by anger, hurt, bitterness and regret. Love does not thrive in those conditions.

At least, not in my experience.

Good luck

 

[Netzach]

Well... I was going to suggest she find herself a second lover but you know what kind of feedback that would get me...

aaaaaahahahahahhaha

and I speak from experience, too.

Personally, I don't believe in burning bridges or missing any opportunity. And who says you have to tell all your secrets? I sure don't tell all of mine. ;-)

I firmly believe in taking another lover when you are one of 2 parties, but that's just what worked for me, very very well. My "second" partner and I are getting hitched, and I still see mr. -thought-you-were-be-all-end-all on a regular basis. Mr. be-all-and-end-all approves and enjoys.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I firmly believe in taking another lover when you are one of 2 parties, but that's just what worked for me, very very well. My "second" partner and I are getting hitched, and I still see mr. -thought-you-were-be-all-end-all on a regular basis. Mr. be-all-and-end-all approves and enjoys.

I'm glad for you and your Mr. Congratulations all around. ;-)

 

[Netzach]

thanks!

...eventually I decided I didn't have to be jealous and unhappy as long as I had something to do on my own. If one party has all their chips invested and the other one only has half, you have to adress this somehow.

 

[ReadyOne]

Something only aluded to here... trying to deal with your jealousy. It can be done.

SweetErica and HungUpGirl have some starting points over in My FF fantasy.... The issue moves through jealousy among other things.

 

[A Desert Rose]

thanks!

...eventually I decided I didn't have to be jealous and unhappy as long as I had something to do on my own. If one party has all their chips invested and the other one only has half, you have to adress this somehow.

That is absolutely correct.

I am very submissive and I can be a good submissive to the right Man, but I refuse to be part of anyone's harem. I did that one time. That was lesson enough for me. If there's even a hint that I am not the only one... I walk and I walk fast.

I like myself too damned much for that bullshit.

 

[chagrin]

A Desert Rose and Netzach, those are some of the most sensible and inspiring words (and outcomes!) I've heard in a while!

 

[A Desert Rose]

A Desert Rose and Netzach, those are some of the most sensible and inspiring words (and outcomes!) I've heard in a while!

Thank you. ;-)

It took me a long time to get to this point. I was, not that long ago, just where she is now. (Ask Des and cellis... they weathered it all with me.) And it's easy for me to say do this or that. But until she comes to terms with her own self worth, until she realizes that she is more valuable than he seems to think she is... she won't move.

And I'm sure not going to be the one to judge her or her decisions. Like I said... this is not all that old of a habit for me.

 

[Desdemona]

And it's easy for me to say do this or that. But until she comes to terms with her own self worth, until she realizes that she is more valuable than he seems to think she is... she won't move.

And I'm sure not going to be the one to judge her or her decisions. Like I said... this is not all that old of a habit for me.

Bingo

 

[norseprince]

Jealousy

My former wife/Mistress introduced other lovers early in our relationship. At first i was quite jealous. As time went on, and as She patiently and lovingly explained to me how happy i should be to see my Mistress/wife receiving pleasure, i began to really love it. i would even occasionally fall asleep in bed when She was out, and awaken to find Her in the throes of passion with another man next to me. i would beg to clean her orally afterward.

Edit: Sorry, i am new to Forums, and such a klutz at the computer keyboard. This post was intended to be added to the Jealousy thread, not to start a thread of it's own. If a Mod would be so kind as to move it?

 

[HisSlave]

But until she comes to terms with her own self worth, until she realizes that she is more valuable than he seems to think she is... she won't move.

And I'm sure not going to be the one to judge her or her decisions.[/B]

I can't tell you all how great it felt to login today and see all this! So first of all, thank you.

Now, I chose to pick this quote from everything you've all said because it struck me the most - the part about me being too valuable. I don't honestly believe it's that he doesn't think I'm valuable. (I know, I hear your groans and calls of "She's an idiot!") Like I said, it's complicated. But I'd like to retract something I said originally - about his not fixing it. I know he can't fix it - it has to come from me. I gotta wake up and smell the coffee, then either drink it up or toss it down the drain.

Regarding the second lover idea, that's definitely occured to me as well. The opportunity has presented itself a time or two in the past. Whether I took it or not, I'll keep to myself.

And yes, no one has to tell all her secrets. Thank god for that ;-)

Anyway, I'm glad to have found this place to talk about things like this And I'll check out that other thread someone suggested, thanks.

 

[HisSlave]

So as long as you are going to stay in this relationship and he is not going to change to suit you, find yourself some outside interests to keep your mind off of him... and her. Cultivate friends outside of this relationship, go out and have some fun. If you have to, make yourself do it.

Incidentally, I've been trying to do just this very thing. And you're right - sometimes it really works!

 

[HisSlave]

There's some very good advice here.

Ultimately, if he won't give up the other person, and you can't control your jealousy, your relationship will have to end.

As hard as it will be to do that, the other scenario is that your relationship will get progressively unpleasant the more marginalised you feel.

What was once beautiful gets tainted by anger, hurt, bitterness and regret. Love does not thrive in those conditions.

At least, not in my experience.

Good luck

And you are totally right about this. We're kinda already here and trying to work a way out of it. Hey, at least we're working on it together though.

And thanks!

 

[chagrin]

Thank you. ;-)

It took me a long time to get to this point. I was, not that long ago, just where she is now. (Ask Des and cellis... they weathered it all with me.) And it's easy for me to say do this or that. But until she comes to terms with her own self worth, until she realizes that she is more valuable than he seems to think she is... she won't move.

And I'm sure not going to be the one to judge her or her decisions. Like I said... this is not all that old of a habit for me.

I agree again, and well done for confronting and vanquishing your demons.

Hopefully my journey is almost over. It has been a long, thorny, painful path. And I don't know how I got into that situation in the first place because I am a strong, intelligent, practical woman.

I thought... maybe things will change if I'm more submissive, more giving, more loving, more understanding.

But the more I tried, the more I failed and the more my self esteem and sense of worth dropped. The more hurt and confused and bewildered I became.

HisSlave, you have chosen a difficult path to walk. If you can do it without hurting yourself, your Master, or his other, then I applaud you.

G'nite, all

 

[ethereal~minx]

I firmly believe in taking another lover when you are one of 2 parties, but that's just what worked for me, very very well. My "second" partner and I are getting hitched, and I still see mr. -thought-you-were-be-all-end-all on a regular basis. Mr. be-all-and-end-all approves and enjoys.

It's not about who's more 'important', it's about your own importance, your own happiness. Find your own bliss & don't be afraid to follow it. don't compromise your happiness/heart to someone else's... there's no integrity in it. be true, be for You.

if it's not changing to bring you happiness, change the focus to what will make YOU happy & maaaybe he'll come along. maybe not, but what's more important? *whispering*
your happiness!

life is tooo short to go through it in constant pain.

i agree w/ Netzach. the only thing i'll add is...if there is anything, anything that captures you so deeply as equal to the reason for this pain ~ consider making that your focus rather than a lover.

bottom line is~ bring yourself happiness and your cup runn
eth over

 

[TigerClaw]

Not everyone is able to handle a Poly relationship. It's extremely difficult and jealousy has absolutely no place in it.

This isn't something He can "fix", nor can you. Either you overcome your jealousy or there are going to continue to be problems. I can tell you from experience that most of those problems will be on your end. Despite your compatibility in other areas, asking someone to stifle who they are ultimately will lead to the demise of the relationship. That goes for both of you.

You need to re-assess the importance of your relationship with him and decide if you'd rather share him and be with him or be alone and monogamous.

Just my two cents.

I was not going to post because I have no reference for a poly relationship. But maybe I do after reading the above post.

I was in a committed relationship being pushed into a Poly. I didnt want to share or be in a sharing relationship. I Loved her and opened the door to the idea but wanted to get to know her first and needed to feel comfortable about a 3rd. It never came to be.

In the process I learned I am not into sharing, period. I will not share or be shared. I am a possessive person and will get jealous if my mate is showing too much attention to another. Meaning Interest more then friendship. I tried to ignore those feelings but they were true.

If I were you I would ask if this is what you truly want. If it is then you have to ask people in that lifestyle for advice.

If not then you have to bring it to his attention.