Hello, my name is kink.

[HarlotMinx]

Recently I've been finding myself in a run of depression. In the community we so often talk about our kinks "I love pain" "I want to be a ponygirl" "I want us to both wear sailor hats, get into a jacuzzi filled with Pepto-Bismol, and clip your toe nails while you shave my buttocks" and that's all fine and dandy but I've noticed a distinct difference between performing a person's kink and actually being a person's kink.

People tend to develop kinks based on ethnicity, gender, height, weight, hair color, queerness, penis size, shoe size, body hair content, favorite flavor of bubble gum and so on and so on. It's very different than say having a preference for some trait, they positively sexualize that trait. I find myself fitting into one of the more common kinks and recently have found that I down right hate that look people get in their eyes... worse still, I'm starting to grow intolerant of people who do pander to the kink or kinks that parallel what attracts these people to me. I guess it's the sense of being objectionalized in a bad way, the idea that to them you really really deep down aren't a person to them but rather a walking cum rag. It's a sensation that just leaves your stomach squirming. And worse still, it's accompanied with the sense of helplessness because it's very much something that's a part of you, something you can't turn off or change without damaging what makes you a person.

Mostly this was spurred by a encounter where the person in question was just NOT listening to me and wouldn't take no for a answer. I ended up spending the night with a bunch of friends standing guard over me. A depressing night overall. I kind of find that someone coming up and saying "hey you know, I've always had a thing for X...." akin to "Hey, you've got a vagina, want to fuck?". If the latter isn't appropriate, why would the first be?

I was hoping to get some advice on how to temper my anger over it, and I'm slightly worried that this might develop into self loathing over time (or at least for that specific trait). I thought it better to get some advice and or common experiences.

-poppet

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm off to the museum with short humans, but will [hopefully] be back later to comment, because yes.

 

[kittenartist]

Great, now I am going to have to watch Rat Race


As for the topic at hand. I think that this comes up in every part of society, not just kink. Some people just naturally want to use any trait they see in a person that can benefit them and disregard them as a person. Its like when people in a certain group found out my friend was a clever writer -- suddenly she was only approached when writing was needed for a project. Never mind that fact that she was brilliant in other ways and just a wonderful person over all. She just became a tool.

I would think that standing up for yourself and not letting yourself be used (or, used in a bad way as I know using can be fun in a bdsm setting) is very important. It sounds like you did exactly that with the person you mentioned. But do not turn it to self loathing. This trait is one brilliant facet of who you are and thus is beautiful. Instead, loath the idiots who are blinded by their selfishness.

We all fit into someone's kink. There is always someone somewhere who would turn us to just an object for their selfish gain. You cannot control the external. All you can do is be confident, recognize your self worth, and do not settle for that kind of treatment.

And if none of that is helpful whatsoever then I simply offer hugs and empathy.

 

[lilylicious]

We all fit into someone's kink. There is always someone somewhere who would turn us to just an object for their selfish gain. You cannot control the external. All you can do is be confident, recognize your self worth, and do not settle for that kind of treatment.

Quoted for truth! ANYONE could be used like this.

 

[glitterpuss]

Confused mucho

I'm very confused. What qualifies something to be kink or not a kink? I mean I'm a complete cubby chaser, is that kink or not a kink.
Again I'm new to this and I am confused.

 

[BiBunny]

I went on a similar rant in this thread. I get where you're coming from, but I don't really have any good advice to offer. I'm sorry.

 

[HarlotMinx]

I went on a similar rant in this thread. I get where you're coming from, but I don't really have any good advice to offer. I'm sorry.

Yep, and it's with any kink, I have friends in the scene who lament about asian chasers, bbw fetishists, and so on. I think the part that particularly bothers me is that I'm starting to become less tolerant of others kinks because of how some few people approach the situation and for me that's not okay. I guess what it is... I recognize peoples rights to have a kink that involves me but I'm also insulted that they do.

Actually, it's also that I get pissed at the preconceptions and stereotypes they bring with their kink. They aren't just looking to satisfy a kink but some twisted caricature of their kink.

-poppet

 

[Homburg]

I don't think the depersonalisation is, at its' core, the problem. Yes, in your case, the kink is highly depersonalising, and I can see how it would bother. I know a person hereabouts in similar straits that gets the same sort of responses, and feels the same way. I think it is the style/manner of depersonalisation that is the problem.

That said, _I_ get that. I am yer bog-standard large, hairy, masculine, dominant guy. A whole lot of submissives are turned on by that alone, and my personality (beyond the dominant stuff), background, history, hobbies, etc don't mean jack. Much like you, I am, as kittenartist said, someone's kink.

I think the difference lies in the demographics of those who are respondent to the kink that each of us represents. Some actualised kinks draw demographics that are just plain skeevy. In my case, well, I draw interest from submissives (female and male, though few males have approached me on it). They tend to be more likely to be shy, deferential, and commonly afraid to express interest. Very little skeeve-factor there. (Sure, there are exceptions to this rule, but I very rarely get come-ons that make me feel the need to take a quick shower)

Yet the acquaintance that I mentioned earlier, T, does get that sort of attention. Sometimes she gets the "Y'know, I kinda have a thing for..." and it highly distresses her. Fortunately for her, her wife is dominant, and utterly unafraid to tell the mashers where to head off.

In my own case, I have had those moments where I've realised that the person that was trying to chat me up was interested only in the pain, humiliation, etc that I represented. These moments are endlessly fascinating for me, as I get to feel like the oft-mentioned "piece of meat", but I can certainly understand why other people would be put off by it. To be frank, I've been put off by it at times, and I actively enjoy that sort of attention.

Disclaimer: I am not implying that I get chatted up constantly. Just trying to illustrate kittenartist's excellent point that each of us is a kink for someone else somewhere.

 

[00Syd]

I am a very young, (I've been told) attractive, submissive, who dresses very retro. I am many, many peoples kink. The amount of older men who approach me because they think that I, a young submissive, is looking for an older Dominant, is about equal to the amount of people who approach me because they think I'm into living in a 1950s style household. I'm not very interested in finding an older Dominant (though I never say never), and I am completely, utterly uninterested in 1950s style households. As much as I might look otherwise, I am very content living in the era that I'm from and being treated like it.

So, I get what you mean. I'm not quite at the point where any message mentioning "1950s household" will totally turn me off and piss me off, but it is getting very tiring to explain to every other person that no, sorry, I'm not into that and won't be that kink for you.

I'm sure I would be much less annoyed by it if the people who's kink I represent (or at least appear to represent) were people I was equally interested in, or at least were less creepy in their approach. But for now, finding the attractive offers is like finding a needle in a haystack.

 

[CutieMouse]

I rarely discuss my kinks, kinda like I rarely discuss that my best friend is also a tall thin redhead... because men's eyes glaze over, they start making assumptions, and the next thing you know I'm saying something like "Dude. Get in line."

 

[HarlotMinx]

I don't think the depersonalisation is, at its' core, the problem. Yes, in your case, the kink is highly depersonalising, and I can see how it would bother. I know a person hereabouts in similar straits that gets the same sort of responses, and feels the same way. I think it is the style/manner of depersonalisation that is the problem.

That said, _I_ get that. I am yer bog-standard large, hairy, masculine, dominant guy. A whole lot of submissives are turned on by that alone, and my personality (beyond the dominant stuff), background, history, hobbies, etc don't mean jack. Much like you, I am, as kittenartist said, someone's kink.

I think the difference lies in the demographics of those who are respondent to the kink that each of us represents. Some actualised kinks draw demographics that are just plain skeevy. In my case, well, I draw interest from submissives (female and male, though few males have approached me on it). They tend to be more likely to be shy, deferential, and commonly afraid to express interest. Very little skeeve-factor there. (Sure, there are exceptions to this rule, but I very rarely get come-ons that make me feel the need to take a quick shower)

Yet the acquaintance that I mentioned earlier, T, does get that sort of attention. Sometimes she gets the "Y'know, I kinda have a thing for..." and it highly distresses her. Fortunately for her, her wife is dominant, and utterly unafraid to tell the mashers where to head off.

In my own case, I have had those moments where I've realised that the person that was trying to chat me up was interested only in the pain, humiliation, etc that I represented. These moments are endlessly fascinating for me, as I get to feel like the oft-mentioned "piece of meat", but I can certainly understand why other people would be put off by it. To be frank, I've been put off by it at times, and I actively enjoy that sort of attention.

Disclaimer: I am not implying that I get chatted up constantly. Just trying to illustrate kittenartist's excellent point that each of us is a kink for someone else somewhere.

Not to mention you have a witty cock, I'm sure that's every girl's kink. But yeah, that actually does help to hear. Actually, it's especially interesting to hear it from a male, not because they aren't objectified, but because they rarely acknowledge/talk about it. I guess the source of my frustration doesn't really stem from the bdsm society as a whole or even the kink as a whole but more so a certain mindset of people.

I think there's a group within the community who approach BDSM not so much with the goal of a deep interaction between individuals but as a way of servicing themselves. I've seen male subs at the club who, while they love serving and catering to dom/mes, if you tell them they can't do it in that short skirt and tank top, they'll throw a temper tantrum. Actually moon and I were talking about this last night. She proposed the idea that everything people do is for the purpose of serving themselves and feeding some need. Some subs for example submit because they get pleasure in serving and servicing another while others get pleasure in serving and servicing some kink. I guess that's what's really been bothering me, people who want to service some kink of their own rather then look for connections beyond that limited view. While it's not my problem, I still have to deal with it... rather annoying.

The sad part is, I find that I hide in order to avoid those people and worse still, I find that I've grown good at hiding. Not so much because it's a better life but because it makes just enjoying a moment easier.
-poppet

 

[Etoile]

I'm drunk, but I like this thread. Later I will have something to say.

 

[HarlotMinx]

I'm drunk, but I like this thread. Later I will have something to say.

No higher praise!

 

[Homburg]

T also talks about hiding so as to not get that sort of attention. Man, I hate that. Objectification can work well when consensual. If it isn't consensual, it is insulting.

 

[satindesire]

T also talks about hiding so as to not get that sort of attention. Man, I hate that. Objectification can work well when consensual. If it isn't consensual, it is insulting.

God, quoted for posteriors. Um, I mean posterity. *chuckle!*

I am a redhead as well. Not only that, but I have VERY LONG red hair. I, too, am 'somebody's kink'. I think that sometimes people can get so distracted by sex that they forget that reducing someone to a piece of clothing or a body part hurts feelings.

 

[Etoile]

Okay! So here goes. I would not say that body size/type/color/etc preference is a kink. It's a fetish. And in my book, fetishes are irrational. We don't know WHY some people love feet, they just love feet. As a result, I wouldn't take it personally. I have had foot fetishists going hog-wild over my feet, and it's just a silly thing they do. Now, as for DATING someone in that situation, you would have to find more in common with them to make it work. I think there also has to be a measure of appreciation...not just "hey baby nice tits" but "wow, I really love your tits, and here's why."

 

[rosco rathbone]

In other words: "someone unattractive perved on me".

Get over it.

 

[00Syd]

In other words: "someone unattractive perved on me".

Get over it.

Or, "someone reduced me to a walking fetish"

 

[HarlotMinx]

In other words: "someone unattractive perved on me".

Get over it.

Bah, I can deal with getting perved on. Hell, you go into a club, you have to accept that it's going to happen... it can even be flattering. The part that bothers me was when they don't take no for a answer because you conveniently fit into their jack off fantasy. And yeah, that's a pretty unattractive trait.

-poppet

 

[Etoile]

Oh, I thought we were talking about turning such a person into dating material. My mistake. Yeah, if they're just being a dickwad, ignore 'em.

 

[starlightqueen]

An easy way to avoid being objectified is to associate with people who are more interested in making a friend than satisfying a fetish.

Edit: If you're stuck with the jerks, you have my sympathy; and if they're random strangers they're not worth your trouble.

 

[Blase]

Yeah, if they're just being a dickwad, ignore 'em.

You could always trot out Arnie's line from Terminator II:

"Chill out...dickwad."

 

[oldsub]

Try telling them that your kink revolves around intelligence coupled with manners and while they stand there trying to figure out if they fit that profile or even what it means you have already walked away.

 

[satindesire]

In other words: "someone unattractive perved on me".

Get over it.

Oooo, Rosco needs a Midol.

Are you cramping honey? Need a heating pad?