Hello! First-time author requesting feedback

[Unblemished]

Hello everyone, I’ve recently joined Literotica and wondered if anyone would like to share their thoughts on my first story:

https://literotica.com/s/back-to-the-ex

It was originally written for another site as flash fiction, hence how short and fast paced it is; I was restricted to 1000 words. I had to remove the italics that signified internal dialogue (because I didn’t figure out how to put them in until after I hit the submit button) but hopefully everything still comes across clearly.

Any opinions would be appreciated! Thank you in advance.

 

[HectorBidon]

Congratulations on your first story. I liked it very much. It is quite short, but it is very well done, an enjoyable little slice-of-life vignette. Brevity requires that every word count, and you've done a good job at that. You've let the characters paint themselves through their actions and words (and thoughts in the case of the MC), without backstory, flowery description, or narratorial interruption. Just the bare essentials, but it is enough to let us picture the two characters and feel their drama. And you've portrayed the emotional nuances of the drama very well too, complicated as they are, the body going one way, the mind the other. All in all, a memorable, relatable, well-written story.

It may be that the brevity of the story will affect its score—the sweet spot for stand-alone stories here is generally considered to be closer to 5K words, a couple of Lit pages. But you can try your hand at longer stories now, and I have a feeling you'll do well with them too.

 

[AlexBailey]

I'll have to agree with Hector. It is fast, furious, and fun.

Her glowering, clomping entrances with her two different outfits with matching hair and fragrance really put you in the room with her. I feel like I know this girl.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I'm not usually shy with giving feedback, but I really don't have a lot to say about this in terms of improving it. Short, to the point and effective. More please.

 

[Unblemished]

Thanks for the feedback and positivity, everyone

Congratulations on your first story. I liked it very much. It is quite short, but it is very well done, an enjoyable little slice-of-life vignette. Brevity requires that every word count, and you've done a good job at that. You've let the characters paint themselves through their actions and words (and thoughts in the case of the MC), without backstory, flowery description, or narratorial interruption. Just the bare essentials, but it is enough to let us picture the two characters and feel their drama. And you've portrayed the emotional nuances of the drama very well too, complicated as they are, the body going one way, the mind the other. All in all, a memorable, relatable, well-written story.

It may be that the brevity of the story will affect its score—the sweet spot for stand-alone stories here is generally considered to be closer to 5K words, a couple of Lit pages. But you can try your hand at longer stories now, and I have a feeling you'll do well with them too.

Thank you. I think the word limit helped; with no space to spare, every line had to serve a purpose. I figured it would be a good way to practice getting info across without needing big, lengthy descriptions.

It does seem to have affected the score. I've ported over a few other, slightly longer stories since and they were better received, even though I think they're weaker works (other factors may be at play, mind). Still, Back to the Ex stabilised above 4 so I can't complain. I'm thinking of writing a sequel, and if so I'll probably aim closer to the 5000 words you mentioned.

I'll have to agree with Hector. It is fast, furious, and fun.

Her glowering, clomping entrances with her two different outfits with matching hair and fragrance really put you in the room with her. I feel like I know this girl.

Thanks! I figured that with so few words to use, I had to make her introduction and description stand out. Loud, vivid, in-your-face.

I'm not usually shy with giving feedback, but I really don't have a lot to say about this in terms of improving it. Short, to the point and effective. More please.

Thank you. Like I said to Hector I'm thinking of writing a sequel, so more may be on the horizon. My only worry is that more short tales might become repetitive, while a longer one creates opportunities for flaws to creep in. Maybe I'll bounce some thoughts off the wall in Story Ideas...

 

[ElectricBlue]

Excellent! You're worth watching. That piece was precise, handled with gusto, vivid characterisation, vivid colours. I laughed at the end when she came back in her second best knickers.

Don't worry about sequels as such, and don't worry about flaws creeping in. Write more characters, write longer stories, stretch your legs, and get on with it. You can obviously control the flow of your writing, so keep observing life the way you have with this girl (she reminded me instantly of someone I know), and write more characters like her. Five and a follow.

 

[dmallord]

I left you a comment after the read. With the site experiencing issues, that may not be posted for a while. I laughed and felt really good at reaching the end. I could just picture the two of them face to face going at it again! Thanks for the humor! As others noted, you will do well here. You have vigor in your words! A five in my scoring btw.

 

[MohanSingh]

Hello everyone, I’ve recently joined Literotica and wondered if anyone would like to share their thoughts on my first story:

https://literotica.com/s/back-to-the-ex

It was originally written for another site as flash fiction, hence how short and fast paced it is; I was restricted to 1000 words. I had to remove the italics that signified internal dialogue (because I didn’t figure out how to put them in until after I hit the submit button) but hopefully everything still comes across clearly.

Any opinions would be appreciated! Thank you in advance

I enjoyed that for what it was. Short and fun. Look forward to something with more build up.

 

[txblush]

Five stars! I can hardly wait to read more of your stories.