Heavily revised story- needs new feedback

[Chantal Marchon]

Hello all! I have finished revising this story. I think it went from so-so to really hot but would appreciate some feedback on it.

I have submitted it for publication in a magazine, but have yet to get a reply. That could be good- I haven't been refused yet.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=41990

 

[Guest]

Pretty slick. I saw none wrong.

Minor point:
mam--->ma'am
to wild---> too wild

Good work.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I can't imagine what magazine you sent that piece to. I can't imagine anyone who'd publish it.

I myself found it a bare and blatant male fantasy of the crudest sort. It has none of the nuance or detail that would make the premise even remotely believable or make the situations at all interesting. The characters have nd depth and the dialogue is stiff and artificial. I immediately disliked the narrator for his crudeness and smugness, and thought his descriptions of sex were remarkably vile and unappealing.

But that's just me. To each his own.


---dr.M.

 

[Guest]

I myself found it a bare and blatant male fantasy of the crudest sort.

Wouldn't this answer as to which publication the author had sent it to?

 

[Chantal Marchon]

well- Chilled Vodka hit the nail on the head- pun intended. its been submitted to Hustler.

 

[Star of Penumbra]

Hmm... sorry, I didn't really like it. Women trying to write from a male perspective generally tend to do one of two things:

-Overcomplicate the character, or

-Oversimplify the character.

I read the whole thing, but I have to admit that I didn't read it thoroughly. You seemed to do the latter. There's a lot more to men than a penis and two eyes. They have feeling, motives other than 'get laid as much as possible', and do not immediately and constantly think about having sex with women they met two seconds ago. At least, in general. There are always exceptions.

Admittedly, it's difficult to write from the perspective fo the opposite sex, and this isn't too unbearable for a first attempt, but it still doesn't read like a man wrote it.

I wished I could have sex like that all the time, but that was a dream, or so I thought.

Ehh... no. Don't do stuff like this (adding things like "or so I thought" and "Or was it?" These are almost the exclusive domain of talentless and/or unskilled writers).

Overall, I thought this was rather mediocre, and I don't think it could be made into a good story -the premise just doesn't have the potential.

Of course, if you intend to keep writing for Hustler, then you can pretty much ignore everything I said.

I don't mean to be too harsh, but I don't believe in crutching the truth.

 

[Guest]

Ok, I fess up. I read as far as the dude picked up the forgotten cell phone.

 

[Guest]

Still it doesn't change the fact that all the women I meet become lesbians.

 

[Guest]

Hello, Chantal.

Sorry, sweetie, but IMHO, I didn't care for the story, the characters, the setup, nor the storyline. I still could believe in the premise, I suppose, but the resulting product here was not believable, and it was not erotic for me. I was going to post corrected changes, but there were just too many. (And, wow, you said this was a corrected version?) Honey, it STILL needs lots of editing (maybe by Hustler's editors, with your permission--or maybe they couldn't care less).

And Star of Penumbra, you're comment oversimplifies (and is almost sexist, lol). Many of our women authors on Lit can and do write stories well from a male's perspective, and vice versa, thank you. It just wasn't done in this instance. I don't believe it's fair to generalize your point.

(As for CV's comments, who the fuck cares, really?)

Now, for some things that stood out in my first pass of the story (but there were so many other errors, I just got tired of fixing all of them them...)

I started out the day by rolling my date from the night before onto her stomach and sticking one of my fingers into her hot, little pussy. She moaned and started to wake up. Her pussy was already getting wet. I love the feel of a turned on pussy. …
Three (3) uses of the word “pussy” in consecutive sentences.

I couldn’t hold myself back anymore and plunged my dick into her tight snatch. I was bumping forcefully against her ass. I wrapped my arms around her body and fingered her clit and with my other hand I squeezed her big tits.
Three (3) uses of the word “I” to start consecutive sentences. Other paragraphs abound with "I". It is difficult to write in first person, but you have to introduce variety from sentence to sentence or you'll bore your reader.

"Hey, no problem. I get calls like this all the time." I ad-libbed. "$500 will be fine, I'll give you a discount." I had no what the real going rates were. "When would you like me to come over?"
Don’t begin a sentence with a numeric, in this case, $500, even in dialog. Insert an introductory word (or phrase) first, or spell out the number as “Five hundred dollars…”, or make it part of the previous sentence with additional modifiers.

"Hi, I'm Jenny. You must be Scott." The petite lady standing in front of me had short dark hair cut at a slant and a small face with full lips and dark brown eyes. “Yeah, I'm Scott." I smiled. My name is really Tim, but who cares. "These are for you." I presented the roses to her with a flourish. I was in heaven. I hoped my eagerness and excitement weren’t obvious.
Two different dialogs shouldn’t occur in the same paragraph. The general convention used today is to provide each speaker with his/her own paragraph (or single sentence), no matter how short; this also applies to "internal" dialog.

Separate into distinct paragraphs. There are a few other instances in your story that you do this too.

"Hello." I said uncertainly.
Dialog convention has a comma after “Hello”, unless the expression contains an "!" or "?".

Correct is:

“Hello,” I said uncertainly.

If you use “!” or “?”, the construction would be:

“Hello?” I asked softly.

-or-

“Hello!” I yelled loudly.

There were so many instances of this error in your story, I quit searching for them.

"Thanks, I really love this house. I won it in my divorce along with two cars and a sizable alimony." She moved to set the flowers in a vase. "I thought I would try you out and if you were as great as Vanessa said, I would have you come out once a week."
Missing a comma for the compounding clause:

"I thought of trying you out, and if you were as great as Vanessa said, you could come out once a week."

"I like to be seduced and lots of foreplay. I have fantasies of being tied up and blind folded while a man does erotic things to me. I really like a man who can be inventive. I think for tonight, I would like something sensual though. Not to wild."
Better for first sentence by not using “and”: "I like to be seduced with lots of foreplay. …

Lots and lots of “I’s” to start sentences. Try mixing it up.

Slowly massaging her back, I could feel the tension leaving her muscles as she relaxed into my palms. Her velvety smooth skin gliding under my fingers was causing me to become achingly hard. I paid special attention to her lovely buttocks, gently kneading them and molding them with my hands. Gently separating her legs, I manipulated the muscles around her thighs, just skimming her pussy lips. The light touch was starting to excite her; I could feel her tremble as my knuckles grazed her hidden clit. Carefully working my way around her thighs, I brushed her pussy lips several more times, with just enough pressure that she would realize it wasn’t an accident. The small, tantalizing touches were turning her on. I finished working on the back of her legs and carefully massaged her small feet. Women loved attention to detail. "Roll over for me so I can massage the other side.” I requested. I could see her pussy was quickly becoming wet, but I wanted more than a lukewarm reaction.
Mixed tenses and voices in this paragraph (and elsewhere). Your story is 1st person, “wants” to be in past tense, and should be (mostly) in “active” voice. The uses: “was causing”, “was starting” force the action to “passive” voice. Erotic sex generally requires active participation (even if only one is participating, lol)--match the voice to "action".

Some suggested corrections to illustrate:

While slowly and sensuously massaging her back, I felt those tense muscles relax under my palms.

Her velvety smooth skin glided under my fingers; I became achingly hard.

The light touch excited her; I could feel her tremble as my knuckles grazed her hidden clit.


Starting at Jenny's finely boned hands; I slowly worked up her supple arms and then smoothed my palms softly over her breasts. I caressed each little hill, gently tweaking her nipples and then kneaded her breasts as I rolled her rock hard nipples in between my fingers. Working down the side of her ribs, I lightly grazed her stomach with the tips of my fingers. I trailed my fingers down to her pubic hair and then flared out to work on her upper thighs. I had learned that lightly teasing her erogenous zones would really make her wild for more. Massaging her thighs, I spread her shapely legs and walked my fingers up one inner thigh and then the other. I pushed one finger into her and ran it around the soaked opening. I teased and played, using one finger then two or three while I rubbed her clit. Jenny's breathing was getting faster and she was moaning softly.
Not only too many “I’s” to start sentences, there are just too many “I’s” in this single paragraph.

"Oh, god, I am so hot. I want you to lick my hot pussy." She ordered.
Chantal, do you really hear people say “am” frequently in conversation/speech? I don’t. Try contractions in speech and dialog to make them believable. Watch repeated words.

"Oh, god, I’m so hot. Lick my pussy!" she ordered.

Straddling her thighs, I pressed my tongue down on Jenny's clit. It became a wet probe, moving back and forth flicking over her swollen little nub, then dipping into her moist hole, tasting her special juices. I relished her taste. Inserting two fingers into her delicious hole, I stroked in and out, as I flicked my hot tongue over her clit. Moving my mouth over her tight little button, I could feel her tense in passion. Her fingers had wrapped into the bearskin, grabbing it as her body writhed in erotic pleasure.
When you “straddle” someone, THEIR body is between YOUR legs, right? For the oral sex scene here, the 'guy' needs to be bending or wedged between her thighs. Also, the second sentence begins with “It” inferring (at first) to “clit” and not to the tongue. You can recast the two sentences so the indefinite pronoun, "It", is closer to the referring antecedent in the previous sentence--don't assume your readers should know this--they're looking for logical flow of action from sentence to sentence. Also ask yourself, what would “dipping” the verb for? So, if I was to re-write the paragraph, here are my suggestions:

My face wedged between her thighs to flick her clit with my tongue, becoming a wet probe, moving it back and forth over her swollen, little nub. It slid down and dipped into her moist hole, to lick and relish those special juices. Suddenly, I inserted two fingers into her twitching pussy, stroking them in and out. That tight little button, exposed again for pleasure, became a target for my sucking lips. Her torso writhed with erotic pleasure; her hand grabbed at the bearskin to wrap it around coiling fingers.



Lots of potential in your writing, Chantal. But there are still lots of 'mechanical' issues that will be corrected with practice, review, and some good reference materials (invest in them if you plan or want to be a decent writer).

Continued good luck in your writing and submissions.

Manxy

 

[Guest]

Well, thanks again for making CV the butt of jock, lesbians.

I love lesbians, really. They hate bras.

Woohoo!

 

[Guest]

Well, thanks again for making CV the butt of jock, lesbians.

I love lesbians, really. They hate bras.

Woohoo!

____

There's really no effort involved, really.

Really.

 

[Guest]

Two different dialogs shouldn’t occur in the same paragraph. The general convention used today is to provide each speaker with his/her own paragraph (or single sentence), no matter how short; this also applies to "internal" dialog.

Phil K Dick and many other notable writers disagree with you, but I take your point. It's pretty annoying to see this happens on my 'puter screen.

I haven't read the rest. I know what you are gonna say.

 

[Guest]

Two different dialogs shouldn’t occur in the same paragraph. The general convention used today is to provide each speaker with his/her own paragraph (or single sentence), no matter how short; this also applies to "internal" dialog.

Phil K Dick and many other notable writers disagree with you, but I take your point. It's pretty annoying to see this happens on my 'puter screen.

I haven't read the rest. I know what you are gonna say.

____

It's a general convention used in the U.S., for sure. There are those in the "British-speaking" countries that do incorporate entire dialog in a single paragraph. Had the story been written that way, it would have been obvious and I wouldn't have commented.

But Chantal was not consistent in the use of this mechanism since the rest of the story 'appears' to follow the U.S. convention (most of the time) as if she was a writer from the states.

My comment remains. It's confusing when this is done.

Oh, P.S., Phil K Dick spews out shit.

 

[Chantal Marchon]

I would like to add that Hustler Fantasies asked that the submissions be written in language that is simple, not dressy and as one would talk with a friend. They did not want an indepth psychoanalysis from the main character. They wanted sex and lots of it.

That was my goal. The original version had only one sex scene and dropped into the middle of the story with no introduction to the main character, it seemed like it was taken out of context. This is actually quite an improvement over the first version. Even though it is far from perfect.

 

[Guest]

Hey, CM. I really, really dig your shit! Is that really you in av?

PM me. I really, really, really kwant to know you better. (in a biblical sense!!)

 

[Chantal Marchon]

Manx, the whole paragraph dialogue thing is an oversite based on the fact that the original was double spaced and then single spaced and then block spaced. Although, I must admit that when you read some of the sentences outloud, they do sound a little stilted.

CV-- you flatterer you. No, the model in the AV isn't me. Sorry to disapoint you. I am tall with red hair though.