Heartache 101

[DeepGreenEyes]

So I just had an intense 2-year D/s* relationship go down like the Hindenburg, quite unexpectedly and painfully.

Oh, the humanity.

(*Although not that the D/s part really matters, particularly.)

I've set upon conducting renewed research into heartache amelioration, and this is what I've experimented with so far:

1. Drink.
2. Forgo sleep for several nights in an attempt to see if tidal shifts and microwave popcorn can function as a form of time acceleration into next July.
3. Hit myself in the head with a ball peen hammer, repeatedly, while yelling "Whack-a-mole, Fucker! Wack-a-mole!" [Note to self: buy Bactine.]
4. Drink again, but from a Batman collectable glass, to see if that might work.
5. Write not-particularly good poetry about chicken trucks.
6. Craft small dioramas of scenes of our relationship from dryer lint and Elmer's school glue; Burn these in the yard while yelling "DIE! DIE!" (This one resulted in an exchange with a troubled bourgeois neighbor who doesn't understand the nature of art.)
7. Exercise savagely while wide-eyed elderly women in the gym move away from me toward the door.
8. Listen to songs about broken hearts.
9. Listen to songs about broken spleens.
10. Bitch and moan to a particular friend who has far too much insight into this topic.
11. Did I mention drink?


So far the exercise and talk have proven helpful. Although the hammer and lint dioramas have had their moments.

So what do you suggest? What helped you when a metaphorical band of hungry zombies from "Zombieland" came bursting into a relationship, devouring everything in sight, and you were left wandering the post-apocolyptic landscape like the last human Twinkie®-seeking refugee?

 

[rida]

What works for me is 1., 5., 8., 10. and 11.
And crying, lots of it.

Nah, it does not work really. It just keep you distracted and exhausted, and what really work is simply time (how much, cannot say as in my experience it went from a couple month to couple of years).

I'm sorry it ended.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

What works for me is 1., 5., 8., 10. and 11.
And crying, lots of it.

Nah, it does not work really. It just keep you distracted and exhausted, and what really work is simply time (how much, cannot say as in my experience it went from a couple month to couple of years).

I'm sorry it ended.

You write poetry about chicken trucks???? I want to form an online poultry poetry group!

Thank you, rida, for your comments. So far the distraction is proving more useful than the exhaustion.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Pats your back.

Stiff upper lip, son.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Pats your back.

Stiff upper lip, son.

Thanks. I am sort of an Anglophile, so that advice seems to work. Can you say it in a British accent while wearing tweed and smoking a pipe? I need a "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster, too.

Thanks to everyone who sent the kind PMs. I'm getting some good stuff here. One suggested "a band called Frightened Rabbit [which] has a ridiculous knack for gifted lyrics that make you want to stab yourself in the heart with a rusty spork."

Oh man. They are going on the iPod.

 

[the captians wench]

Thanks. I am sort of an Anglophile, so that advice seems to work. Can you say it in a British accent while wearing tweed and smoking a pipe? .

I can, but I don't think it would sound the same some how.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I can, but I don't think it would sound the same some how.

Just wear the tweed, smoke the pipe, lean against the mantle under some stuffed trophy heads, and look distinguished, then.

 

[Keroin]

In no particular order...

Cupcakes, chocolate, googling the names of elementary school classmates, staring into the distance, cupcakes, taking up an absurd sport and convincing myself I always wanted to try it (BTW, I have a jai alai cesta basket for sale if anyone's interested - it's in mint condition), watching an endless loop of the BBC miniseries version of "Pride an Prejudice" then crying face down on the couch until I leave a trail of mucus like a slug, cupcakes.

Drinking also helps.

Also, I have been known to write songs for and about my cats. In Spanish.

Hey DGE..***** sucks now. It will eventually get better but you know that. In the meantime, we're here for amusement and support.

 

[CutieMouse]

I tend to do the Cinderella thing - lots and lots and lots of time on my hands and knees scrubbing floors; wine and cupcakes also make regular appearances. I've decided my relationships tend to be just [heart breakingly] fleeting enough that it was worth putting "wood floors" at the top of the list when deciding my "must haves" for the house.

 

[Honed_Hunger]

After I remove all physical traces of an ex from my surroundings,I go back to enjoying a good life of freedom without the responsibility of another person the mix.

It's not a sad ending once you're over the initial shock, I see it as a chance for an exciting new beginning with a new person!


Failed relationships and poor life decisions offer us a chance to learn more about ourselves and others than one might realize. Wisdom and maturity are just a couple things that can be distilled from the dredgings left behind after a bad relationship goes down the pipes.


Once an indepth self-audit is done in the clarity that comes with accepting someone is no longer a part of your life anymore,many life lessons can be gained. Lessons that will hopefully lead to thought processes that will pave the way for better life decisions on the relationship front.


It's all part of life............loving,losing,loading up and moving on when the time comes. * nods kowingly*

 

[FloggingMolly]

Sorry to hear it sweets. How 'bout some 100% genuine british hugs, accent included?

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I tend to do the Cinderella thing - lots and lots and lots of time on my hands and knees scrubbing floors; wine and cupcakes also make regular appearances. I've decided my relationships tend to be just [heart breakingly] fleeting enough that it was worth putting "wood floors" at the top of the list when deciding my "must haves" for the house.

Well, I always thought Cinderella was kind of hot, although Pocahontas...whew! Attractive eco queen!

Smart. Maybe you could make a little extra cash cleaning when you have a breakup.

Once an indepth self-audit is done in the clarity that comes with accepting someone is no longer a part of your life anymore,many life lessons can be gained. Lessons that will hopefully lead to thought processes that will pave the way for better life decisions on the relationship front.

Very wise. Thanks.

In no particular order...

Cupcakes, chocolate, googling the names of elementary school classmates, staring into the distance, cupcakes, taking up an absurd sport and convincing myself I always wanted to try it (BTW, I have a jai alai cesta basket for sale if anyone's interested - it's in mint condition), watching an endless loop of the BBC miniseries version of "Pride an Prejudice" then crying face down on the couch until I leave a trail of mucus like a slug, cupcakes.

Drinking also helps.

Also, I have been known to write songs for and about my cats. In Spanish.

Hey DGE..***** sucks now. It will eventually get better but you know that. In the meantime, we're here for amusement and support.

Thanks, Keroin. I appreciate that. I haven't been in a world-o-hurt like this in a long time, but I've been there before, and I know I'll get over it. I don't have a cat, and my foreign language skills are poor. Maybe I could write songs for squirrels in pidgin French?

I wish I liked cupcakes. The mucus-slug thing might work. Hmmm.

Okay. So far, these are ideas I've received in PMs (thank you):

1. Exercise more. (Okay. Went to the gym this morning. With sleep deprivation, it was truly comical, but fuck. I went.)
2. B vitamins. (I take a daily multivitamin that has 80% of RDA. Does that count?)
3. Lay off the booze. (B-But Guinness over a bowl of Basic-4 is so delicious.)
4. Get off the damn computer and go do something, idiot! (Radical. )
5. Join Fet and have some mindless fun. (Well, it has never really held much appeal for me, but okay. I signed up. We'll see.)
6. Play the game Plants vs. Zombies. This definitely looks to have cathartic potential.
7. Recognize that this is part of my karmic path and I must endure it to arrive at bliss. (Thank you. I like this. I think this is a slightly-more-enlighted Hindu version of the British "Keep a stiff upper lip.")
8. Various songs and videos for a heartache playlist. (A tip 'o' the earbuds from my iPod.)

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Socialise. Throw yourself into anything and everything you can get your hands on, even if it's a knitting group designed for over 85s.

Distractions are fun, keeps the bad stuff at bay till you're home with a pile of Mcdonalds and vodka and you can break down in private.

In any case...

 

[kiwi_submissive]

I highly recommend going to a golf driving range, buying a bucket of golf balls and going Happy Gilmore on them.

I did move to a whole different island to escape memories and that really worked but is probably a bit extreme.

Your other option is to just build a bridge and get over it, you managed to live happily without them in your life beforehand. Don't give them the power to change your life now they are no longer in it. Easier said than done though.

 

[Keroin]

Thanks, Keroin. I appreciate that. I haven't been in a world-o-hurt like this in a long time, but I've been there before, and I know I'll get over it. I don't have a cat, and my foreign language skills are poor. Maybe I could write songs for squirrels in pidgin French?

I wish I liked cupcakes. The mucus-slug thing might work. Hmmm.

I forgot to mention smashing. Especially things that make a good smashy noise.

Note: Don't forget eye protection.

 

[chy_girl]

I liked to plot revenge in my head and think of all the delightfully wicked and mean things I could say to really hit where it hurts. And then when I ran into them I don't do any of the delightfully wicked and mean things and I didn't say any of the wonderfully hurtful comments, but I threw every fiber of my being into acting like a very mature, psychologically sound Grown Up and conducted myself with grace and fucking dignity.

There's also comfort food like mac n cheese with stewed tomatoes, kit-kat bars dipped in salsa con queso, and double chocolate chip cookies with string cheese.

And then I made up a playlist that's like a musical biography of the relationship. It started out with some fun songs and then moved into some songs that were kind of sexy and loving, and on and on till it was just straight "fuck off an die because I never want to talk to you again" kind of songs. (Black Label Society saved my sanity, as did one or two of Greendays - but theirs was in an emo kind of way.)

Oh, and writing enraged letters that I showed to a friend instead of actually sending them off to the person they were written to... You know, cause of that whole Grown Up/grace and fucking dignity thing.

Mostly though, I gave in and let the pain swallow when I could. I laid on my bed, sat on the couch, did dishes, etc, etc, and cried like I had good sense. I let myself be angry over the hurtful parts and eventually got to where I could be... sorrowfully amused at some of the happier parts. If I had something to say I said it people who knew and understood. And I allowed myself to experience grief in all it's overly emotional, fucked up glory. *shrugs* I figured I had two choices - give up and experience what needed experienced or fight it tooth and nail and drag it out for god only knows how long. Turns out there's a limit to even my emotional masochism.

A couple more days and you'll notice that you can breath again, luv. The ongoing hangover will make it far less of a relief though.



P.S.
And you better let me know your Fet name so I can find you when I get back on there. I shall be very cross if you don't.

 

[Netzach]

Thanks. I am sort of an Anglophile, so that advice seems to work. Can you say it in a British accent while wearing tweed and smoking a pipe? I need a "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster, too.

Thanks to everyone who sent the kind PMs. I'm getting some good stuff here. One suggested "a band called Frightened Rabbit [which] has a ridiculous knack for gifted lyrics that make you want to stab yourself in the heart with a rusty spork."

Oh man. They are going on the iPod.

More how I do it.

Frightened Rabbit: pretty good. Magnetic Fields if you want real misery though.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I´m sorry!

Alternating between wallowing in it when alone or with someone trusted and doing the stiff upper lip and the grace and dignity thing around others, seems to be my way through.

 

[graceanne]

I'm sorry. I always clean when I'm pissed or upset. I get downright OCD, on my knees with a toothbrush going around the edges of everything until it's spotless and shining.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I'm so sorry to hear of your breakup.

What worked for me once about 6 years ago:

1. Wallow in self pity for 48 hours
2. Post naked pictures of self on kinky sex site
3. Tease and flirt with a variety of men, mostly teasing them.
4. End up in a conversation with a really interesting man within 7 days of original break-up
5. Spend 4 months getting to know interesting new guy.
6. Become his submissive
7. Enjoy six years (so far) of a relationship I had only previously dreamed about.

Moral of the story--I am so glad my original relationship ended.

Good luck !

 

[sweepthefloor]

To prevent Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy Nursing interventions include: warm bubble baths, resting with the feet elevated on two pillows to increase venous return to the heart. Drink lots of fluids to prevent hypotension and shock.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Sorry to hear it sweets. How 'bout some 100% genuine british hugs, accent included?

Thank you, Mom. Er, Mum. That helps.

Socialise. Throw yourself into anything and everything you can get your hands on, even if it's a knitting group designed for over 85s.

Distractions are fun, keeps the bad stuff at bay till you're home with a pile of Mcdonalds and vodka and you can break down in private.

In any case...

Staying engaged is good advice. I just googled "knitting group octogenarians," and I was thinking I could bring them each a McDonald's Vodka Happy Meal?

I highly recommend going to a golf driving range, buying a bucket of golf balls and going Happy Gilmore on them.

I forgot to mention smashing. Especially things that make a good smashy noise.

Note: Don't forget eye protection.

Thanks to both of you. I may go to a batting cage; I haven't done that in forever.

I liked to plot revenge in my head and think of all the delightfully wicked and mean things I could say to really hit where it hurts. And then when I ran into them I don't do any of the delightfully wicked and mean things and I didn't say any of the wonderfully hurtful comments, but I threw every fiber of my being into acting like a very mature, psychologically sound Grown Up and conducted myself with grace and fucking dignity.

I've done that before, but there's nothing revenge-worthy here at all. That would make it easier.

There's also comfort food like mac n cheese with stewed tomatoes, kit-kat bars dipped in salsa con queso, and double chocolate chip cookies with string cheese.

Chocolate chip cookies and string cheese? I think I saw that on Iron Chef.

And then I made up a playlist that's like a musical biography of the relationship. It started out with some fun songs and then moved into some songs that were kind of sexy and loving, and on and on till it was just straight "fuck off an die because I never want to talk to you again" kind of songs. (Black Label Society saved my sanity, as did one or two of Greendays - but theirs was in an emo kind of way.)

Nice.

Mostly though, I gave in and let the pain swallow when I could. I laid on my bed, sat on the couch, did dishes, etc, etc, and cried like I had good sense. I let myself be angry over the hurtful parts and eventually got to where I could be... sorrowfully amused at some of the happier parts. If I had something to say I said it people who knew and understood. And I allowed myself to experience grief in all it's overly emotional, fucked up glory. *shrugs* I figured I had two choices - give up and experience what needed experienced or fight it tooth and nail and drag it out for god only knows how long. Turns out there's a limit to even my emotional masochism.

A couple more days and you'll notice that you can breath again, luv. The ongoing hangover will make it far less of a relief though.



P.S.
And you better let me know your Fet name so I can find you when I get back on there. I shall be very cross if you don't.

Thank you, chy. You're always insightful.

Someone else has my name there, but it's easy to find.

More how I do it.

Frightened Rabbit: pretty good. Magnetic Fields if you want real misery though.

I NEED that poster. Adding Magnetic Fields to the playlist.

I´m sorry!

Alternating between wallowing in it when alone or with someone trusted and doing the stiff upper lip and the grace and dignity thing around others, seems to be my way through.

Thank you. I'm going for this, but it's sloshing over a bit between worlds.

I'm sorry. I always clean when I'm pissed or upset. I get downright OCD, on my knees with a toothbrush going around the edges of everything until it's spotless and shining.

You and CM! The Sunshine Cleaning of breakups!

I'm so sorry to hear of your breakup.

What worked for me once about 6 years ago:

1. Wallow in self pity for 48 hours
2. Post naked pictures of self on kinky sex site
3. Tease and flirt with a variety of men, mostly teasing them.
4. End up in a conversation with a really interesting man within 7 days of original break-up
5. Spend 4 months getting to know interesting new guy.
6. Become his submissive
7. Enjoy six years (so far) of a relationship I had only previously dreamed about.

Moral of the story--I am so glad my original relationship ended.

Good luck !

Thank you; I'm glad things have worked out so well for you;

<joke>I have decided to flirt with men this week.<joke/>

Thanks also for the note on Fet.

To prevent Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy Nursing interventions include: warm bubble baths, resting with the feet elevated on two pillows to increase venous return to the heart. Drink lots of fluids to prevent hypotension and shock.

Holy SHIT. Are you kidding me?? Thanks.

Fuck.

 

[eastern sun]

I had the opportunity to watch my fourteen-year old son go through his first heartbreak last spring. What impressed me most was the way the men in his world gathered round him to support him and give him advice on how to handle the emotions it was triggering.

The local deliman advised him - "girls are like buses. don't go chasing them. just wait and another will come by in just a little while."

He played a lot of computer games, while writing endless emails to both the girl and the guy she dumped him for (one of his friends), letting them know that he was a better person, capable of a purer love because he'd never have done what they did, and assured them he would probably never forgive them.

A few months later, when he learned that she dumped his friend for yet another, older, guy, he learned the most important lesson of all. People are who they are. And sometimes it's best to just let them go.

(And me, I'm a wuss. I deal with heartbreak by entering an M/s relationship that has no exit clause.)

I'm sorry you're hurting, DGE.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I had the opportunity to watch my fourteen-year old son go through his first heartbreak last spring. What impressed me most was the way the men in his world gathered round him to support him and give him advice on how to handle the emotions it was triggering.

The local deliman advised him - "girls are like buses. don't go chasing them. just wait and another will come by in just a little while."

He played a lot of computer games, while writing endless emails to both the girl and the guy she dumped him for (one of his friends), letting them know that he was a better person, capable of a purer love because he'd never have done what they did, and assured them he would probably never forgive them.

A few months later, when he learned that she dumped his friend for yet another, older, guy, he learned the most important lesson of all. People are who they are. And sometimes it's best to just let them go.

(And me, I'm a wuss. I deal with heartbreak by entering an M/s relationship that has no exit clause.)

I'm sorry you're hurting, DGE.

That is a great story, ES. He sounds like a helluva kid.

Speaking of group help, this thread has bucked me up, from a 1 to... *drumroll* a 2.5! *confetti and band music* I appreciate everyone who's commented. Of course, you know every card-carrying human has gone through this. Hell, I've gone through it, more than I'd like. But it's nice to hear it. Mmmmm...I do enjoy a good shared misery banquet.

 

[chy_girl]

I've done that before, but there's nothing revenge-worthy here at all. That would make it easier.

You miss the point, oh green mad of the mountains... There doesn't have to be any thing revenge-worthy. The point is to allow an outlet to our most volatile, hostile, illogical, pissy, stubborn, childish, possibly misplaced and all around batshit hurt and anger. There was 1/3 of my breakup that wasn't revenge-worthy - hell, it was barely anger-worthy. But that 1/3 certainly got it's own fair share in my head.

It isn't anything that actually gets taken out on the person. Think of it as turning a pissed off bull loose in a well fenced pasture. The bull gets to work off some energy without causing too much havoc and when all is said and done you have a much clearer idea as to where the bullshit is.

Chocolate chip cookies and string cheese? I think I saw that on Iron Chef.

Well, chocolate chip cookies and string cheese isn't bad either. But the double chocolate chip and string cheese? That's the bomb. The kit-kats in salsa con queso is better, though.

Nice.

It was. You should remind me to tell you about said playlist sometime.

Thank you, chy. You're always insightful.

Someone else has my name there, but it's easy to find.

Not always, but I appreciate the complement. You're a good guy and an awesome friend - you'll pull through. It'll suck rotten monkey ass for another week or two, but you'll pull through and, in the long run, I have no doubt that you'll use this experience (both the good and the bad) to grow and become an even better person than you are today.

As for Fet, I'm not back yet. Perhaps in another week or so I'll attempt a return with a temporary confinement to Litsters and this really cool, fun board I heard about. I'm thinking of changing my name a bit though. I'm a very different person than I was when I picked it.