Have you ever felt your partner was cheating on you with an inadamant object?

[Vanity Deity]

Here's my problem, there's a lot to read, just to let everyone know a head of time.

I'm 19, and I have a boyfriend, we've been together over a year, and he's wonderful... most of the time. We met online, on an online game. We became close friends, then it became more. He came to where I lived to be with me, we eventually got our own place, and now we've been living together for about 8 months. We don't argue over bills, my friends, anything... except the fact that he's on the computer, playing that game everyday. Before he goes to work, after he's home... I ask for the computer for 10 minutes and he freaks out, it gets to the point where on his days off, he's on all day. I don't mean 4-5 hours, I mean 12-16 hours a day. I love sex, I do, and with him, he doesn't seem to care whether or not he has it. It's always me initiating it, making reference, or fondling him to try to get him in the mood. He's on the comptuer so much, that by the time he gets off, he doesn't even want to spend "quality" time with me, he says he's too tired. I asked him to please make time for me, get off the computer a bit earlier, just so we can have time. For him to come get me from the living room [we have roommates, so I'm usually hanging with them in the other room while he's on the computer in our bedroom] when he can find the time, just to lay in bed together, talk, be silly and fool around. No, not in a sexual manner, just... the tickling, cuddling, the intamacy. He comes out and gets me, and tells me he's tired. I almost freak out on him, saying why did you wait so long? I asked you to come get me! you promised me! and then he gets mad at me, or he tells me he'll make it up to me the following night, which ends the same way. Don't get me wrong, we have sex... maybe on average 3 times a week, but me, i want it everyday, sometimes multiple times, and he doesn't want to. He won't even take showers with me, and I don't ask that often, but he tells me he doesn't want to. Why, because he's on the computer. I know we aren't going to have the same sex drive, but when he wants it... practically never, and only gives it to me because I want it, and would rather play some stupid online game than even sit and watch some tv with me, or hell, even get up to get something to drink, that's a little obsessive. When I bring it up, telling him I want to compromise, he immediately gets defensive, telling me how I only want it to be my way, well when you don't wanna budge at all, and I tell you hey, I'll let you play for 5 hours, the remainder of your night i want it to be spent with me, he sees that as it being MY WAY. Only because he doesn't wanna change what he's got going on. I understand he likes playing his game, I loved it too, that was how we met, so we had the same love for computer games, which gave us that initial something to build our friendship and now relationship on. But now that we're together, and I'm wanting him, not just words on a screen and he rather still sit in front of that screen, just makes me very sad inside. I personally feel like... I could be around him 24/7, he would never bother me, if anything that would make me so happy. I rather be with him than any one else in the world... what does he say about me... I annoy him when I'm around him and he's on the computer. He says I want his attention whenever it's given to something else. He's right, but I don't bug him constantly... 95% of the time he spends online, I'm in the other room, finding something to occupy myself. I used to be bad when it came to being addicted to the computer, I would play 12 hours and think nothing of it... But now that I have a boyfriend, someone I want to spend the rest of my life with... it means nothing to me. Let me on every other day, 10 minutes to let me check my mail and that's all I need. We've argued so much about the computer, I told him I wanted to get rid of it. He then got all upset and told me how he was going to smash it, if it causes that many problems, ect... I then was like no, no... don't do that... I've even gone as far as saying I wanted to go spend a few nights at my sisters. I felt as though with me right in the other room, and him being occupied with the computer, when does he find time to miss me? I thought I needed to get away... he of course, talked me out of it. When he's on the computer, he doesn't want to deal with me, he got me a puppy for my birthday, he now says it's "Your dog" instead of "our dog" because it takes time away from his computer if he has to get up, take preston outside, clean up after him or feed him. Sometimes I'll come in and lay down, get completely naked and let him see, and ask him to come to bed, do you think that worked? Nope. I'd wait a half hour, hour laying there, waiting for him to be done playing his game, and just for him to lay down and want to go to sleep because he's too tired.

Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend is hard working, would do anything for me, very kind and everything I could ask for in a man. But this computer addiction is too much for me. Whenever I bring it up and want to talk calmly and rationally, it always blows up into this huge argument. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong... I know this is one sided and I'm not all innocent, I know I press his buttons, I know I can act childish and things, just maybe because I want attention. But I feel almost attention starved, when I shouldn't. It never used to be this way. He used to give me baths, sit up and talk with me all night long, watch tv with me... now I'm lucky if I get a kiss when he does decide to come out of the bedroom to get something to drink. That's even rare, he doesn't get up even to eat or drink, it's usually me bringing him whatever. I've asked him what turns him on. He was a virgin before we started dating. So I'm the only girl he's been with, but in the 8 months we've lived together, we've had sex quite a bit, so I figured by now he'd know... I tell him things that turn me on, but he usually only rubs me for a moment then goes right for the kill. There's no foreplay, no nothing, like he wants to get it done and over with, like it's a hassle. At 19 years old, I shouldn't have to feel as though I have been married for 20 years. And I do.

I feel very inadequate as his girlfriend. And it makes me feel very sad. I don't know how to spark his interest, I don't know what to do. If anyone can give me some sort of ideas that I could try, and advice, or if anyone has gone through something simillar... I just am not sure at this point how to go about... anything with this [these] subjects. They are kind of linked, the computer addiction and the lack of sex we're having, but they are very big issues, and I know I need them resolved. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, as I've said, he's not a bad person, he doesn't treat me bad, just... well... yeah. But sure really what else to say about it, just that I'm very confused and could use some help... Please...

 

[M's girl]

It sounds to me like he has no clue whatsoever what a relationship is about. He also has this (computer) addiction that does not sound healthy to me. If he wants to be like that then he should not want to have a relationship. That's all I can say about it.

I would sit him down and explain how you feel.... one more time. And then have HIM make some choices. Be prepared, though, that he might be, indeed, immature enough to not choose you and the relationship if it's really one way or the other for you.

For you I hope he is willing to communicate, listen and compromise....

 

[silverwhisper]

nice though he be, he's addicted. if you want to have a future with this guy, you're gonna have to make sure his addiction is no longer part of that future. good luck: these are always difficult.

ed

 

[Bandit58]

He's taking you for granted. Do you want to spend your life being somebody's doormat? Because that is how he's treating you.

This is a form of emotional abuse, coupled with the computer addiction. For a start I would give up taking him drinks and food, make him get his own And don't you dare feel inadequate! It is nothing you have or have not done, it is HIS problem not yours. I spent years thinking there was something wrong with me, because I didn't enjoy sex. WRONG, it was sex with my ex that was the problem. In the 4 years since I left him, I've found I'm very sexually responsive.

You don't deserve to be treated as a second class fiddle to a computer game. I would say if you can't work out a compromise, and stick to it, then the time will come when you will have to cut your losses if you want to be treated right

 

[Raidho]

Wanna know something?

Chances are, he WON'T change.

You aren't inadequate. He simply has other priorities than you do.

He does sound addicted, but the bottom line is he simply has other priorities than you do.

You and your relationship deserve to be a priority.

 

[Sarojaede]

From the description, I would say it is highly unlikely he will change.

Now, ask yourself this, if you love him enough to marry him, do you want to be married to a man who sits in front of a computer game all day and ignores you and your children--should you have them?


Trust me; you don't. I've been down that road.

You can't change him, even though you hope and pray that you can. You can't.

You can talk to him and hope that he makes the decision to change himself, but so far, from what you have said, I don't see him making those decisions.

 

[Mazuri]

Which kind of game is he playing? If it is, as I suspect, an RPG have you considered that he's found someone else the way he found you? I've done the video game route, been equally as addicted and equally as fooled by someone online. The problem is that the person on the other end of the screen is playing a role, not themselves. He managed to RP his character to be exactly what you were looking for and now, player and character no longer match up. He's got it easy: he lives with you and roommates so the costs are shared, you're cooking (or at least fetching) his food, and he has 'real' sex whenever he wants it. The dog was not bought to be an "ours" thing, but as a distraction to get you off his case.

Find out what's going on in the game and you may find out the reason for his RL behavior.

 

[Vanity Deity]

Yes, it is sort of an rpg, he plays rune scape. We both met on rune scape, and our relationship just went from there. I don't think he's found anyone else, he's just tied up into the game itself. If you've played rs, or any game simillar, and know what pking is, it's that rush of adenalin, from pking, or different side things you could do in the game where the risks are high, but the reawrd is greater. So he can't find a suitable way to break away from that. I know if he didn't have the computer, he obviously wouldn't go elsewhere to play, or find ways to play, or whatever, but I can't make such a drastic move, because that will mean more arguments, and also means me or my roommates who actually need the computer for a purpose, not just to play games, won't have access to what we need. If I overlook it, and leave him be, he's fine, if I bug him about getting off a lot, or whatever, he'll kind of yell and tell me how I'm annoying him, and things. Well... he's my boyfriend. I understand he enjoys his game, I enjoy it too, and find myself at times, playing it for an hour or two at a time, [when he's asleep, of course] but then I'm just sick of it, and I don't see how someone can be so into something like that. If I ask him questions like, "Do you still find me attractive?" he gets angry at me and is like ughhhhh here we fuckin' go again!
making it out like it's me, being an asshole. When well, if he doesn't wanna have sex, even when I'm doing everything I possibly can, what am I supposed to think? I hang in the living room with friends a lot, he kind of barrcades himself in the bedroom all night while I'm out there. In two weeks I'm going to canada for the weekend, this is a weekend I'm looking forward for two reasons, one, of course, to have fun with my girlfriends, and second, to see if he even misses me, I'm hoping him having to sleep alone at night and come home to an empty house, no one to fetch him things for three days might help trigger something in his head... I don't know.

 

[silverwhisper]

wait a sec: you met playing a MMORGP and he PKs? that's the way he prefers to play the game?

if so: he's a selfish asshole and frankly, i suggest that you leave him. what you've said about him bears out every single suspicion i've ever had about PKers. all of them.

ed

 

[Lust Engine]

He's not changing and neither are you.

Choices to be made here. Simple. Obviously there's an impasse here. Obviously there are maturity issues here on both sides but if you feel this angst, then it's up to you to do something about it.

 

[poppy1963]

Spelling Nazi here...

"inanimate" object....*sighs*

 

[bobsgirl]

...I'm hoping him having to sleep alone at night and come home to an empty house, no one to fetch him things for three days might help trigger something in his head... I don't know.

From everything you've said here, he's so wrapped up in the game that he may not even register that you're gone, other than to be relieved that you won't be there to nag him for a few days. I'm sorry to be so blunt.

He won't change. So it's apparent that you have some decisions to make.

Please, please, do not marry him hoping things will change.

 

[SubNebGuy]

"inanimate" object....*sighs*

I was gonna say, I've cheated with plenty of adamant objects because...well, they were just so damn adamant about it!


but seriously, ditch him. he's not mature enough for a real relationship, and PK'ers are all douchebags.

 

[bobsgirl]

What is PKing?

 

[TBKahuna123]

It is so easy to neglect one's partner in favor of one's hobbies. I know, it is a constant battle I fight daily, because I have so damned many. Still, I'm mature enough to know that I have to put my marriage first, then my hobbies second. It helps that my wife is so understanding and gives me time to myself, but all she asks in return is as you said, "quality time". It sounds to me like you have that same attitude as my wife, the problem here is that your boyfriend is lacking in the maturity I described.

You aren't asking too much and you certainly aren't "innadequate"! You are giving him the space to do what he wants, but you are totally within your rights to demand what you need. All relationships are give and take. You aren't asking him to stop playing his game completely, just pay some attention to you. That is the ONLY way a relationship will work.

Take it from a computer geek who's walked this very line through 12 years of marriage. If he won't back off to give you the small amount of time you are asking for, then he's not mature enough to appreciate you fully. That's the real core of the problem right there. That doesn't really make him an asshole, just immature, IMNSHO.

 

[Sarojaede]

What is PKing?

PK = Player Killer

PKing = Player Killing

Instead of hacking and slashing NPC (computer generated monsters/people/critters, you, the game player, are pitting yourself against other game players and killing them.

 

[Guest]

 

[silverwhisper]

PKing is exploitative and the ultimate in bad sportsmanship in MMORPG, IMHO.

ed

 

[Vanity Deity]

I understand that by me nagging him to get off the computer, isn't going to help, I just really wish he would want to, you know.. I too, had always thought that a man would choose sex over anything else, when I find it is I who is constantly wanting it. I go as far as leaving him be, all night. From 5 pm [or earlier, depending on when he gets off work] until one, two in the morning, and ask him to get off say, an hour early, so we could spend some time together, he can't even do that. And when I bring it up he finds a way to shut me up. Either by getting mad and basically saying I'm being a kid, or changing the subject, or suck up to me, wanna cuddle, something like that just so I'll drop it, so I won't feel like an asshole for not taking what it is he is giving me.


Honest to god, he's not a bad guy. Just like a lot of other addicts, they aren't terrible people, it's just the addiction is so strong, it tends to make them do some pretty fucked up stuff I suppose. Ideally, if he didn't have this addiction, he would be the perfect man, for me that is.

Well, now that I know how everyone feels, is there a way I could maybe.. approach him with this? I'm not the type of person who is willing to confront anyone, for any reason. So it's hard for me to bring myself to say hey, we have issues, let's work on them, without him freaking on me, and me backing down just so we can stop arguing. We've been dealing with this for a while, some of our arguments have ended up with him crying, me crying, ect... I've threatened to leave him, he cries, I comfort him, he changes for a day or two to suck up, then bam, back into his old routine. WHAT CAN I DO TO BREAK THIS CYCLE? With any addiction, I do realize, I either need to bring it to attention, and handle the issue, and take all the crap that comes along with it for the relationship's sake, or I can just keep telling myself I can deal with this, when inside I know that I can't, and it makes me want to scream. So I know this is an issue that needs to be dealt with, but I can't just have him come home from work tonight and be like, "Babe, we need to talk, you're addicted to Rune Scape and you need help." You know? So can anyone give me an idea on how to bring this up, and maybe on what I should initially say, because I haven't the foggiest idea.



Also, sorry if I don't respond for hours after people respond, I think you all know why I'm not able...

 

[vanelane]

"inanimate" object....*sighs*

I know; she sounds fairly adamant to me.

To the OP; I don't think he's changed at all since you met him; you're making the mistake of thinking getting in a relationship will make him different. It won't. You can't change his behaviour, you can only change your own.

 

[Lust Engine]

These have got to be some of the longest rants of anyone on this board!

As opposed to spending this time writing such the long diatribe & bitching to us about the situation further- go talk to the man! I know blowing off steam like this probably helps you feel better short term but it sure as heck won't solve your bigger picture.

Before long we're going to be getting a post about this guy who's girlfriend spends too much time on Lit!

Go hash it out with the guy already. Move forward with him...not us!

 

[TBKahuna123]

These have got to be some of the longest rants of anyone on this board!

As opposed to spending this time writing such the long diatribe & bitching to us about the situation further- go talk to the man! I know blowing off steam like this probably helps you feel better short term but it sure as heck won't solve your bigger picture.

Before long we're going to be getting a post about this guy who's girlfriend spends too much time on Lit!

Go hash it out with the guy already. Move forward with him...not us!

As someone with a number of friends who behave EXACTLY this way, easier said than done! I'm not sure though that I buy the Addicition thing though.

Don't get me wrong, I'm obsessed with a game or two, not to mention my hockey obsession, but I make the time for my relationship because it is what's most important to me. You need to sit him down and talk about it, tell him how YOU feel and he has to WANT to make it work. Giving him ultimatums isn't the best solution, but I think it's almost your last option. He has to understand that you are not asking him to stop playing completely, only to make time for you. That's not asking too much, that's perfectly reasonable, and that's where the give and take comes into play. If he gives a shit about you and your relationship, then he has to realize that he can't be in it only when it's convenient for him. That's where maturity comes in.

I play in an MMO with a much of my friends and we are all married. We all have deals with our wives, we all set aside time for family, etc. and we all get plenty of game time in too. He just needs to understand that backing off doesn't mean giving up. I know you don't want to be a nag, that's the same way my wife it. Still, you can't live with your needs neglected. Asking for some time for your needs isn't nagging.

 

[silverwhisper]

vanity, if you value your relationship and who he once was, you have to confront him. soon. otherwise, you'll be repeating the same behavior and expecting different results. shrinks have a name for that: insanity.

ed

 

[Sarojaede]

PKing is exploitative and the ultimate in bad sportsmanship in MMORPG, IMHO.

ed

So, wait, on a PvP server, it's exploitative?

 

[silverwhisper]

well, OK, not on a PVP server: presumably, it's peopled only by the like-minded and hence knowledgeable. a n00b on a PVP server gets what's coming to 'em.

ed