Guilt?

[Angel]

Reading over some GBLT threads today, and after having read this one especially, I've developed a tremendous sense of guilt. Being Bi, I can usually swing it with most of the discussions here, but the one thing I can't discuss is the pain, confusion, coming out, etc.

I've never had a rough time with it at all. I've never hid it, always been completely straight about it, and I have never once been discriminiated against, harassed, attacked - nothing.

I feel like I've had such an easy time accepting my sexuality, and having others accept it no questions asked, that I'm missing some experience that most of my GBLT friends have been through. Yes, it's not a good experience but one that I feel guilty for being unable to empathize with, and also just because I've never had to deal.

I have no idea what I'm trying to say.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Angel..

I used to feel the same way. I have always openly embraced my sexuality. My mum knew way before i came out to her. My friends mostly accepted it and the few that didn't did not stay around. I have never had to fight for my lifestyle, my lovers or my choices...with anyone. I understand the concept of guilt...especially when i see what some of my gay friends have had to deal with.

Don't feel like you are the only one, love. BUT...be proud of the fact that you are surrounded with people that love and accept you just the way you are. Most of "US" are not as lucky as you and I.

pet

 

[Queersetti]

It sounds to me like what you are feeling is something akin to survivor's guilt.

I just want you to know that those of us who've had a rougher road don't resent the fact that things have gone easy for you. On the contrary, we are happy for you.

 

[perks]

I've never come out to my family, but everyone else I know knows, well, unless it doesn't come up.

But that's just the thing, I've never felt like it was a "time to come clean" thing. But then, people just assume I'm straight because I'm married and a breeder. I look the part.

Yesterday the subject came up with my trainer, and it was a less than positive response. I wasn't expecting that at all. Sexuality just is. Reactions to something that just is, seems awkward to me.

However, I'm not in the circles that usually have issue with sexuality, so that may be part of the ease.

 

[Pookie]

I lost some "supposed" friends after they found out I was bi (I know some assumed I was a lesbian), but I've not encountered many of the things that others have. My parents have always been supportive of me too, which I know has made things much easier for me than others.

 

[april-wine]

It's nice to see others so readily accepted, someday maybe all will be accepted....Till then there will always be the horror stories, some people just suck....

 

[pinksateendream]

i agree with april-wine

Maybe one day no one will have to go through all of this.... maybe we'll finally be regarded as having our own niche in creation...

 

[mac_crazy]

It sounds to me like what you are feeling is something akin to survivor's guilt.

I just want you to know that those of us who've had a rougher road don't resent the fact that things have gone easy for you. On the contrary, we are happy for you.

My sentiments exactly, Q... I was gonna write the same things, you just beat me to it.

No reason to feel any guilt, Angel, you have it pretty good, and I would think most people would be happy for you that you haven't had to deal with the "negative" things others have. Perhaps a way to disseminate (sp?) some of that guilt, though, is to help others with their problems. Sometimes the best healing powers come from making others feel successful and happy.

I will add, as an afterthought, that I believe women have a slightly easier time "coming out" to others, mainly because the "girl/girl" thing is much more accepted in society, and even desired by men. On the other hand, men announcing they are gay or bi is usually seen as a sign of weakness, and is more often deemed "wrong". I'm simply speaking from my experience, maybe I just haven't seen enough of the world. Regardless, Angel, appreciate the good fortune you've had with being accepted for who you are, and try to spread those feelings.

 

[Cigan]

To be perfectly honest I understand how you feel. There was always the occasional hick in school that buged me about it, but they were very few and far between and more amusing that anything. My friends never gave me any grief about liking guys. The only hard part of coming out to my parents was my mother, and her reaction was not what most people experience. She was afraid I wouldn't love her anymore. This came from the long long list of gay men she knew who hated their mothers, and I met these gay men and while I instinctively thought this reaction was kind of silly, thinking back I understand it. Once I convinced her I still wanted to sit on the couch and bit of the heads of teddy grahms with her (an activity we took great pleasure in together when I was a small child) everything was hunky dorey. So don't worry about it, a decent number of us have had easy times of it. The pain of coming out isn't nearly as universal as it used to be, even if it is still enourmous.

 

[pollyjean]

It really hurts to be judged. I’m still not accepted by my father. He has gone as far as not even letting me talk to my little sister online. He really thinks I’m going to try and recruit her or something. I really don’t know what he thinks.

I still can not take ExLuv over to my parent’s house.

I’m also sure I will be judged when people find out at my work. I have not hid it just haven’t felt like I need to say anything and being that I was married I’m sure most assume that I am straight.


As for walking around in public I haven’t noticed any weird or offensive behavior. But it does seem to be more accepted here in Oregon. And we do not hide it when we go out.

I glad that there is some people out there who accept people for who they are.

 

[Angel]

I feel better now.

I guess I am lucky.

The thing about me is that I've never really even bothered any kind of real "coming out". It's always just been a natural part of my sexuality, and while it certainly developed into notice a bit more slowly than the fact that I liked men, it's just never anything that I've felt the need to announce. I mean, straight people don't just stand up one day and have to tell the world that they're straight - my bisexuality just eventually comes up in the flow of sexual discussion between friends, and nobody has ever really batted an eye. I guess being Bi, and a female, I have the luxury of it being more accepted on both notes.

I'm also fairly lucky because I have always been surrounded by people who were gay/bi and it made it that much easier to naturally accept who I was when I was developing sexually. I've always, always had strong Gay role models as a young adult. So for that I feel lucky too.

 

[sexy-girl]

don't take this the wrong way angel ... but i think when your bi and have a boyfriend you have more choice of who you come out too

like you i dont feel a need to shout it out from the roof tops that im not straight ... but i get put in impossible situations if i don't tell people im gay ... having people at work asking me if i could hook them up with my friend was a sign that i needed to come out there

also just where we moved because we're two girls living together people seemed to assume we were both looking for boyfriends or something

it is something i find hard some because i still haven't got a set method of coming out to people


i've been very lucky though that the people that matter have been really cool about me being gay and i've also been lucky because i haven't really had a violent reaction against me for being gay from strangers

but i have had reactions that have been difficult and i did sort of struggle about being gay when i was younger but part of that was normal teen stuff anyway and something i would of had even if i was straight


i do know though one thing bi people have a hard time with is people taking them seriously about them not being straight but not being gay ... for some people they find it harder to understand bi


anyway you shouldn't feel guilty angel ... everyone has to deal with good and bad in life ... bi gays and straights

 

[Angel]

Yeah, but I've not always had a boyfriend, and there have been long periods of me being single too.

 

[sexy-girl]

Yeah, but I've not always had a boyfriend, and there have been long periods of me being single too.

sorry i was a bit presumptuous ... but if/when you have/had a live in/serious girlfriend do you feel that you'd have to address being bi with others more often even perhaps when you didn't want too ?

i think i covered all the bases there

 

[Angel]

sorry i was a bit presumptuous ... but if/when you have/had a live in/serious girlfriend do you feel that you'd have to address being bi with others more often even perhaps when you didn't want too ?

i think i covered all the bases there

I've never had a serious relationship with a girl, but I have had um... relations.

There was a point in time that I felt that I could never, ever have a relationship with a female and that it was only a sexual thing - but I don't know if that was some form of denial or if the bi side of my sexual development just formed oddly. Now I know that the possibility is there if I wasn't in a relationship at the moment.

Anyway, I got off track a little. If god forbid my boyfriend and I ever broke up, and I ended up in a relationship with a woman, I probably would have to address the issue more so than I do now - but I also think that it wouldn't be that much of a change because I just don't care what everyone else thinks and I'd probably think it was wonderfully hilarious when people just assumed we were friends - I'm mean like that.




The only thing that ever makes me hesitate about my bisexuality is my boyfriend's feelings. The whole having a bisexual girlfriend is new to him and it does make him a little uncomfortable at times. The good thing is that he does make an effort to discuss it with me, and to come to a better understanding of me and my feelings.

 

[chromefreak]

Angel,

I'm sure living in Nor Cal has helped, what with SF and Guernville, etc. People out here are a LOT more accepting than the other 26 states I've spent time in.

Also helps that you're female and attractive. 2 guys kiss in a straight bar and the place goes apeshit! 2 Girls do it and guys fight for their affection the rest of the night. Ain't testosterone great?

 

[Angel]

I've only lived in N. California since March, and California altogether since November 2002.


I spent my entire life in Upstate NY.

 

[Etoile]

It sounds to me like what you are feeling is something akin to survivor's guilt.

I just want you to know that those of us who've had a rougher road don't resent the fact that things have gone easy for you. On the contrary, we are happy for you.

Well-said as always!

Everyone walks a different road in life. Yours has no less validity or worth than anyone else's. And yet it's easy for me to resent those born with a silver spoon in their mouth, who always have everything done for them, I don't know why. But I don't feel that way about people who've never had any problems in terms of coming out. I have been accepted by everyone I know, so I have had it easier than other gay people. Like I said, everybody's different and worthwhile.

 

[Boudicca]

What good timing. I "came out" as bisexual to several friends on Friday night. Overall, the reactions were positive and supportive (there were even a few "duhs").

But a couple people felt awkward. One person bluntly said that I was looking for attention. The other thought that I was just going through a difficult time in my marriage (my husband has known I was bi for nine years).

The whispers at work began yesterday, and now I feel vulnerable for attack.

Don't feel guilty. Enlighten those of us who waited a little too long to be open about our sexuality.

 

[Tx girl]

I think everyone should be proud of who they are, whether you be bi, gay or straight. I also think that people should be more open to the fact that you can't "choose" who it is your attracted to. Im not bi or gay, im a straight married woman. But im open minded. And i agree some people just suck especially with the close mindedness that they have. Its just like look deal with it. I applaude all of you for being so honest. Never doubt who you are and what your feelings are. You shouldn't have to, nor should you have to hide it.

That was just my 2 cents!