I've been practicing some openings, to get the reader involved right away. I would really like to play on this idea, but I want to make sure that I hook the reader right away. So, I'll post my opening and hit me with some feedback. Also, do tell me if I write too simple. That's one of my fears.
“I’m glad to see your eyes finally open. I was afraid the morphine that I injected in you was too much. I’m pleased to see your struggling body come back to life. Please, don’t move to much. I would hate for the barbed wire around your wrists to cut too deep, just yet. Oh, and do try to hold yourself up better, the metal bars pressed into your chest can only support so much weight before they impale you.”
The fuzz from her head started to clear and very quickly her eyes focused on the objects that he had just mentioned. Her heart began to beat so hard she thought it would exit her chest, then she saw it. The metal bars did indeed impale her gently. She tried to breath. With every inhale the bars poked and stung. With every exhale they provided her with an all too brief reprieve from her torture. She looked at her wrists and saw the trickle of blood slowly pooling down her forearms.
With her arms bolted high above her head and chest held diligently in place, he began to move towards her, into her. He placed his mouth next to her ear and whispered to her, “Do what you will my dear, but you’ll not leave until I say so. If you wish to kill yourself, simply relax and let your hands fall. As the wires slice open your wrists, you’ll undoubtedly fall forward to your ultimate demise. Even if you fall sideways the laceration of your wrists shall provide you with a more slow, and enticing death.”
Her eyes lit with fear. She knew not who this man was, or where she was. She wanted to leave, to flee and return to safety. She wanted to cry.
He saw her. He saw her eyes. The light in them fading. The hope was vanishing. “No my dear it’s too soon,” he thought to himself. To loose her now would have meant no fun later, when the morphine completely wore off. He wanted her to feel the pain. Now she only felt a dull ache compared to what he was going to do.
He backed away from her slowly. She watched his every movement. She tired hard not to hyperventilate, but it was nearly impossible. The only thing keeping her from going hysterical were the bars at her chest. Not until this moment, when the dreamy state subsided more, did she notice the very prominent point on the end of the bars. She tired to move her legs, stretch. She was bolted by the ankles to the wall. Her legs were spread uncomfortably wide by a large bar with shackles on the end.
“Wha…what do you wan…want,” she stammered, hardly able to breathe or talk.
“Why, I want to watch you suffer.”
That's what I have so far, rougly. As a reader, do you want to continue? Are you involved in the story. Even though it's graphic do you still want to read to see what happens? I really like this idea and think I can do a lot with it. I know this should probably be in feedback, but I feel at home here, and this is where I get all of my advice.
“I’m glad to see your eyes finally open. I was afraid the morphine that I injected in you was too much. I’m pleased to see your struggling body come back to life. Please, don’t move to much. I would hate for the barbed wire around your wrists to cut too deep, just yet. Oh, and do try to hold yourself up better, the metal bars pressed into your chest can only support so much weight before they impale you.”
The fuzz from her head started to clear and very quickly her eyes focused on the objects that he had just mentioned. Her heart began to beat so hard she thought it would exit her chest, then she saw it. The metal bars did indeed impale her gently. She tried to breath. With every inhale the bars poked and stung. With every exhale they provided her with an all too brief reprieve from her torture. She looked at her wrists and saw the trickle of blood slowly pooling down her forearms.
With her arms bolted high above her head and chest held diligently in place, he began to move towards her, into her. He placed his mouth next to her ear and whispered to her, “Do what you will my dear, but you’ll not leave until I say so. If you wish to kill yourself, simply relax and let your hands fall. As the wires slice open your wrists, you’ll undoubtedly fall forward to your ultimate demise. Even if you fall sideways the laceration of your wrists shall provide you with a more slow, and enticing death.”
Her eyes lit with fear. She knew not who this man was, or where she was. She wanted to leave, to flee and return to safety. She wanted to cry.
He saw her. He saw her eyes. The light in them fading. The hope was vanishing. “No my dear it’s too soon,” he thought to himself. To loose her now would have meant no fun later, when the morphine completely wore off. He wanted her to feel the pain. Now she only felt a dull ache compared to what he was going to do.
He backed away from her slowly. She watched his every movement. She tired hard not to hyperventilate, but it was nearly impossible. The only thing keeping her from going hysterical were the bars at her chest. Not until this moment, when the dreamy state subsided more, did she notice the very prominent point on the end of the bars. She tired to move her legs, stretch. She was bolted by the ankles to the wall. Her legs were spread uncomfortably wide by a large bar with shackles on the end.
“Wha…what do you wan…want,” she stammered, hardly able to breathe or talk.
“Why, I want to watch you suffer.”
That's what I have so far, rougly. As a reader, do you want to continue? Are you involved in the story. Even though it's graphic do you still want to read to see what happens? I really like this idea and think I can do a lot with it. I know this should probably be in feedback, but I feel at home here, and this is where I get all of my advice.
