filthytrancendence
Overlong Replier
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2021
- Posts
- 227
I was going to say almost exactly what @ChloeTzang said 
I think if you put the whole intro through the lens of her explaining the situation to the support group, it will have the effect of helping you think though how to explain it to the audience as well. It also grounds the explanation to something the character is actually doing. I think part of why it's a little hard to follow is that some of the paragraphs feel disconnected form each other. Having a narrative through-line like her talking to the support group will better align the experience of the audience with that of the MC.
I also read your contest submission a few days ago, so I'm not going in blind either. I wouldn't have understood that first line at all last week, but I immediately remembered your whole story from just the name and the phrase 'snow fever,' for what that's worth.
I think if you put the whole intro through the lens of her explaining the situation to the support group, it will have the effect of helping you think though how to explain it to the audience as well. It also grounds the explanation to something the character is actually doing. I think part of why it's a little hard to follow is that some of the paragraphs feel disconnected form each other. Having a narrative through-line like her talking to the support group will better align the experience of the audience with that of the MC.
I also read your contest submission a few days ago, so I'm not going in blind either. I wouldn't have understood that first line at all last week, but I immediately remembered your whole story from just the name and the phrase 'snow fever,' for what that's worth.
