Good, Okay, and Pretty Bad

[Chicklet]

I feel like I'm improving, but you know what? I still don't know *what* is improving or what I should still be working on.

I had this strange idea, and I don't know if it's something any of you are interested in or would want to help me out with. But anyways here's what it is;

My latest story is actually, in my opinion, my BEST work. End Game

A story written a few months ago is what I *had* considered to be my best work. Megan & Julie

And my first story, written mostly so that I could have *something* under my name on here, is probably my worst. Good Morning Ch. 1


If you have time and interest, I would like to hear some comparisons from these stories. What have I started doing differently? What should I still be working on? I'm trying to get rid of the passive tone, but I'm pretty sure I haven't done it yet. Do you, honestly, think I'm "Improving" (making things more interesting and easier to read) or is it just in my head?

Let me know. I appreciate anyone's time who even looked at this thread.

Chicklet

 

[damppanties]

The links to Good Morning Ch. 1 and Megan & Julie didn't work. So here they are again. Going to read the stories...

 

[Chicklet]

no idea why they didn't work before - but I *did* make this post seconds before I had to leave for work - maybe I felt rushed.


anywhoo...

Chicklet

 

[PaulX35]

You have, you have!

Chicklet,

I just read through all three stories, making one thing surpremely clear: you have improved; a lot, even.

End Game is a truly good story, with a well thought through story line in which doubt, fear, awakening excitement and a very realistic setting are used to make it thoroughly convincing.

The blow job out of guilt feelings, her almost distant emotion in performing it. Really first class, dear!

The passive tone you worry about was most prominent in your first story. You're changing for the better, and more importantly you have started to use the passive paragraphs to enlighten the reader on the backgrounds and ponderings by the characters that gives your story depth; and that's exactly the way to do it, I think.

Keep the keyboard rattling please

Paul

 

[Chicklet]

paul, thank you, thank you, thank you. that means a lot to me. thanks for telling me that I *AM* improving, and it's not all just in my head. Hopefully 60 stories from now I'll be even better.

Chicklet

 

[sirhugs]

None are bad

I agree you have improved, but think 'even' your first effort was better than most Lit stories. the description of the sex was cinematic in that story. I could visualize the action. That is the source of your strength as a writer, or at least the appeal of your stories to me- I can see them in my mind.

The big difference I note right off is the increased use of dialogue. That makes each of the recent stories even more cinematic. In fact, in the second half of End Game, when you shift to description, I thought the story stalled a bit, in terms of readability.

Your command of grammar and structure is much more confident. Perhaps just practice paying off.

I hope to take a closer look on the weekend. If I think of more things, I reserve the right to post more. Now its back to work I go.....

 

[Rusher]

I only read "End Game" so I can't comment on whether you have improved. However, I found End Game kind of tedious with very little payoff. The problem was I felt no affinity for the characters so the whole story just left me cold.

Also, I don't think I could have taken one more "Are you OK?" or "I'm sorry". I would suggest expanding your dialogue.

This isn't really a story where you can come in in the middle and pick up the emotional tenor between the characters. You need more back story to know what's going on between them and to be able to relate to them. For instance, he's going to go stay with his parents for a while and may break up with her. Why? Because she won't have anal sex with him? There has to be more to it than that if I'm going to care about the characters.

If she's scared to do things, why is she scared? Does she crave to be dominated? Does she secretly want anal sex, or does she want to tell him to go to hell and leave her ass alone? I didn't understand her emotional state at all after reading the story. Or his for that matter.

 

[Chicklet]

thanks for your opinion

sorry you didn't like the story.

 

[Rusher]

I apologize

My response was too harsh. Your story has a lot of positive elements and I just hit hard on the parts that I didn't like. I think you deserve credit for an original idea. It's saying a lot that you can come up with a fresh way to look at a relationship.

Overall, I think many of the elements to make these characters really compelling are there, but aren't quite fleshed out. I think with just a little bit more back story and/or dialogue you could really add dimension to them.

 

[ronde]

I hate your male character

and I feel sorry for your girl. Don't you dare take these comments as bad because there's some really nice writing here.

As I read "End Game", I started out interested in this special wager, then started to dislike him, and ended up wishing he would die and give the girl a break. I don't know if you intended to portray him as a self-centered, demanding bastard, but you did an admirable job in very few words.

I loved the emotional stress that pulled at the girl. It was believable, and I really did feel sorry for her. He made her feel degraded and dirty and those feeling came across in spades. I don't know why she loves this guy, but it's obvious that she does, and wants to please him even though it means doing something for which she's not ready. Her internal struggle was well written. I wasn't put off by the short expressions in the dialogue. I can't imagine the guy having the sensitivity to say much more, and she has too many mixed feelings to make much more of a reply.

Maybe there's a little too much male domination in the story, or maybe it's that I felt she really didn't give consent to his desire for anal, but I didn't like the story. The ending was more like a rape than a consensual encounter. I did like the writing. If it wasn't pretty well done, I wouldn't have such strong feelings. I am certain that readers who enjoy this sort of erotica will find the story to be excellent.

I have read "Megan and Julie", and this is way above that story. "Megan and Julie" was more erotic, but I didn't have the feelings about the story and characters that I did with "End Game". The story reads easily and flows well. I didn't have any trouble with believing what was going on. It's nice to see how much you've improved.

 

[Chicklet]

Ronde,

WOW! Your words make my hands tingle because that *is* what I was trying to portray. This is a couple with a VERY abusive relationship. Not abusive in the physical way, but they're both manipulating each other so that they can *never* be happy together, ever. I had hours and hours of conversation with a few people about my characters, and had the hardest time finishing it because for a week I went around mumbling about how my characters "had major issues"

The story wasn't meant to be erotic in the "jerking off" sense. I'm *glad* that you didn't think it was erotic, because the scene in the end *is* slippery consent - "do it or else you're going to lose everything you love."

Thanks again for your feedback and I hope you read more of my stuff in the future.

Chicklet