Good Grief

[Curious_in_Cali]

Kinda reminds me of the scene from Sleepless in Seattle. I won't quote the whole passage because I am sure all have seen the movie but it's where he is talking to doctor on phone and talks about breathing.

On a side note. I still miss my Mom. She passed away on July 4th 2006. I will always HATE that holiday now.

Grief sucks but it is necessary. We all go through it. There are even five (or seven) stages of grief. We all go through them differently and at a different pace but it happens.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

And I just noticed sweepthefloor already mentioned the Kubler-Ross. I'll shush now.

m, I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. *HUUGE WARM HUG*

Thank you for sharing your thoughts about the process...I think many people are familiar with the concept but not the specifics, so it is a valuable to bring up and discuss. Thank you!

MAN! I forgot about that scene in Sleepless in Seattle! Thank you... so much! I want to go rewatch it now. It is a good one & yes it requires tissues. I remember the handful of moments I was brought down to counting breaths...not an easy place to be, but a valuable one for gaining perspective.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

People do deal with grief differently. I am not a talker, I have no interest in talking to people as to me it just seems like it drags it on for longer and when I am feeling more stable some moron will come along and try to make me talk then get upset and feel rebuffed when I reply that I don't want to talk about it.

I deal with it in my own way be it driving as far as my fuel tank will take me and disappearing for a couple of days, sky diving, bungee jumping, white water rafting, putting on some heavy metal and dancing and heading banging around the house screaming along to it or going to the golf driving range and just hitting the golf balls as hard as I can.

I deal with alot of grief in my job and it never ceases to amaze me how differently people can deal with it.

 

[YourCaptor]

Gives lots of cuddle hugs to Curious.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Oh how I understand that feeling. 5 years ago my spouse was diagnosed with an illness that is terminal, he is now in the later stages. 4 years ago my mother died and a little over a year ago my father died.

I wrote of it and referred to myself as 'orphan bitch'. It seems absurd to feel like an orphan at the age of 52, but I do.

The situation with my spouse now being fully housebound makes for this odd state where I am still married, yet as far social occasions I am always going solo. I am grieving for the loss of companionship my marriage offered in many ways, yet he is still living at this time. Still, it is grief...

Don't get me wrong, I cherish the time we have left, however long it may be, but seeing him suffer and not being able to fix things makes me ache.

I apologize that it has taken me some time to respond. My heart goes out to you and your hubby. My condolences to you for loosing your folks too. So much. HUG!

To be orphaned is to be without parents. I don't think there is any age restrictions on that kind of loss, so no, in my opinion...I don't think it absurd at all.

That waiting room we sit in with those that are leaving us, but not quite yet... is such a surreal place. I know it must be hard at times to go out solo, but it is so good that you do. I can't say that I can relate to all that you are carrying, but I do understand the loss of deeper companionship that comes with marriage/long term monogomy... that loss for me has been a tough one.

I know for me as my marriage died, I felt grief for each pieice as I released it. Maybe your experience is similar in the way that you are greiving parts that are already gone, even if you are also still able to be joyful and present with the time you have left with him. Maybe this is how we ease our hearts through the biggest losses. I find for me grief is so rarely as clean a letting one thing go especially given how complex these relationships of the heart can be.

Epic sized hug wrapped around you and your husband as you transition through a challenging time. My deepest wishes of comfort and peace to you both... there is no right way to get through, you just get through....and that is alright.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

People do deal with grief differently. I am not a talker, I have no interest in talking to people as to me it just seems like it drags it on for longer and when I am feeling more stable some moron will come along and try to make me talk then get upset and feel rebuffed when I reply that I don't want to talk about it.

I deal with it in my own way be it driving as far as my fuel tank will take me and disappearing for a couple of days, sky diving, bungee jumping, white water rafting, putting on some heavy metal and dancing and heading banging around the house screaming along to it or going to the golf driving range and just hitting the golf balls as hard as I can.

I deal with alot of grief in my job and it never ceases to amaze me how differently people can deal with it.

Yes, people definitely come in all shapes and sizes! It sounds like you found what works well for you, and that is so great. It definitely seems to help to know yourself well as you navigate the bumpy waters of it all.

I understand what you mean about not wanting to talk. I can see clearly the phases of that I went through at times. I had a sense of not wanting the feelings I was feeling to be interrupted I think. Or maybe it was my discomfort with vulnerability. There was at times a certain fluidity and rush to it, but that would ebb and flow too over time. Interrupted. That may not be the best word because at times I know I was grateful for the friends that saw I needed a break at times and reminded me of the vibrancy waiting just outside my door.

It is important to listen to ourselves and honor our feelings, but sometimes the mirror that a true friend can hold up for us holds the answer we didn't realize we were looking for.

You now have me thinking about all the ways I have seen people grieve...and all the ways I have never seen even more. Would you care to share any stories that were unique to you?

I am sorry for the grief you have experienced in your life, but thank you for sharing your thoughts here.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Gives lots of cuddle hugs to Curious.

Always welcomed... Thank you, YC. .

 

[His_pet_slut]

Curious_in_Cali,
Thank you for your kind words. I am lucky to have an amazing support network of friends, family and family of choice.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Curious_in_Cali,
Thank you for your kind words. I am lucky to have an amazing support network of friends, family and family of choice.

You are welcome.

Family of choice is such a precious thing, I love that you counted them. I refer to mine as found family because I just sense with them that its not like we just met at all, really it was more a sense of finding something that was mine long ago but just lost for a while. What treasures they truly are when we get to watch them sparkle in such familiar light.

It is good to know you are so surrounded by love, as you simply can't have too much of that.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

Yes, people definitely come in all shapes and sizes! It sounds like you found what works well for you, and that is so great. It definitely seems to help to know yourself well as you navigate the bumpy waters of it all.

I understand what you mean about not wanting to talk. I can see clearly the phases of that I went through at times. I had a sense of not wanting the feelings I was feeling to be interrupted I think. Or maybe it was my discomfort with vulnerability. There was at times a certain fluidity and rush to it, but that would ebb and flow too over time. Interrupted. That may not be the best word because at times I know I was grateful for the friends that saw I needed a break at times and reminded me of the vibrancy waiting just outside my door.

It is important to listen to ourselves and honor our feelings, but sometimes the mirror that a true friend can hold up for us holds the answer we didn't realize we were looking for.

You now have me thinking about all the ways I have seen people grieve...and all the ways I have never seen even more. Would you care to share any stories that were unique to you?

I am sorry for the grief you have experienced in your life, but thank you for sharing your thoughts here.

Sadly I rarely deal with natural deaths so I have alot of contact with families in sudden circumstances. I have been abused by people who did not want to believe that a loved one had died, held people as they have cried, listened to funny stories about the person, been asked by families if I will attend funerals/memorial services with them. Recommended Tattooists, provided maori translations of funeral services so they can take the words home with them, had to take over organising things because some families just cannot for one reason or another and it just goes on.

I remember one lady sent a huge bunch of flowers as a thank you afterwards. I was really embarressed as it she was thinking of me when she should have been thinking of herself.

We are a bit different in New Zealand, we tend to celebrate the persons life as much as grieve for them. People from overseas are often quite surprised at how relaxed our funerals are. Anyone who wants a chance to speak about the person can speak during the service. A traditional Maori funeral is called a Tangi and will last around 3 days on a Marae. The body will have close family members and friends sitting with them at all times as they believe the spirit does not leave the body until the body is buried. I also love their idea that the persons spirit will find a place with their ancestors to provide guidance and wisdom to those who are left behind.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Sadly I rarely deal with natural deaths so I have alot of contact with families in sudden circumstances. I have been abused by people who did not want to believe that a loved one had died, held people as they have cried, listened to funny stories about the person, been asked by families if I will attend funerals/memorial services with them. Recommended Tattooists, provided maori translations of funeral services so they can take the words home with them, had to take over organising things because some families just cannot for one reason or another and it just goes on.

I remember one lady sent a huge bunch of flowers as a thank you afterwards. I was really embarressed as it she was thinking of me when she should have been thinking of herself.

We are a bit different in New Zealand, we tend to celebrate the persons life as much as grieve for them. People from overseas are often quite surprised at how relaxed our funerals are. Anyone who wants a chance to speak about the person can speak during the service. A traditional Maori funeral is called a Tangi and will last around 3 days on a Marae. The body will have close family members and friends sitting with them at all times as they believe the spirit does not leave the body until the body is buried. I also love their idea that the persons spirit will find a place with their ancestors to provide guidance and wisdom to those who are left behind.

What important work you do. Thank you for doing it, especially on the days you are challenged by it. Clearly you are a gift to those that find their way to you. Please do not be embarrassed by the fact that you make a difference, be proud... The support you offered that woman couldn't have come another way, let her thank you. She probably needed to thank you as much as you needed to be thanked. It is so beautiful when we find honest moments like that.

It is striking to me that I can sense the stages of grief in the support you are asked to give... the anger behind abusive acts, the tears of sadness, and the peaceful reflection of acceptance. I am sure the state of being the human is when the trauma of loss occurs can have an effect on their ability to ride the swells and crashing of grief as it hits them.

As a side, I admittedly do not know much about Maori culture, but I will say that their style of tattoos are stunning. I went looking at them again after reading your post and was captivated by them all over again... thank you for that too.

The funerals you describe sound lovely in their purpose to ensure that a loved one is never alone on their journey. The concept of holding on to them to help them let go is nice to think about. I have been to many many of the funerals that require black suits and ties , socially appropriate pleasantries scripted by propriety, and copious fingerfoods with perfect little white paper napkins. In the end I have come to I hate funerals as the stage productions they can feel like... Particularly when they are for people that lived so much more richly and openly than that.

When my grandmother died, a small group of 6 people carried her ashes to the mountain top she requested...and in silence we all helped to scatter her ashes. I remember the feeling of the powdery ash on my hands, the smell of the pine trees, and as I watched her fluttered off on the breeze back into the earth... Her permission from us to fly in the gesture of letting go of the propriety of boxes and church and letting her just blow in the wind was the most profound sense of freedom I have ever associated with Death. It is not really a coincidence to me any more that when I think of her, I think of her life and not her death... or I simply think of her as free. I watched her consent to the ending of her life as her health failed, and I think that made a difference to. My other grandmother fought it and I still feel the pangs of her white knuckling life in her final year. I guess in a way it would make sense to consider that each of them had to grieve their own lives ending too.

These funeral traditions do say much to the priorities of a society that we choose to espouse ourselves to. The ceremony of it though seems to also give direction and tasks at at time when people seem to need something to DO... so there is value in the comfort that can bring too. For some, that is critical for their grief to have a place to breathe... but for me, it does not work in such a structured/ritualistic way.

All that aside though, I think for me these losses that I am struggling with are not as clean as death can be in its finality. When a complex strata of loss compounds over a lifetime and seems to linger with me as lost ghosts that I am unable to bury, it can be overwhelming... and that is when I begin to question if it is a honest process, a hindrance, or an excuse.

Hmmm. Maybe that is it. Maybe is that I am simply confusing acceptance as understanding. Maybe that is the surrender I should be working towards... Acceptance without a sense of complete understanding. It just is. Tough for a curious mind like mine to just put down a puzzle like that... but sometimes it is about getting out of our own damn way too.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I came across some quotes today that really resonated & I wanted to share them.

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief... and unspeakable love." -- Washington Irving

"The pain passes, but the beauty remains". --Pierre Auguste Renoir

"We find a place for what we lose. Although we know that after such a loss the acute stage of mourning will subside, we also know that we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else". --- Sigmund Freud (1961)

"Mourning is love with no place to go"-- anon

"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey". -- Kenji Miyazawa

This one is my favorite:

"Love is a fabric that never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the waters of adversity and grief". -- Anon.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Thank you to all of the people I have received PMs from. I am touched that it has helped even if it was in some small way.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I don't think that grief is about the sadness of losing what was, because we have that forever in our pockets to carry with us. Good or bad, it happened, those stories are ours for the keeping, and simply can not be undone.

The deep lingering sadness of grief seems to be more rooted in the memories of yesterday dreams of the tomorrows that will never come.

The irony that this kind of grief keeps us locked away from a new future seems kinda silly, doesn't it?

 

[Keroin]

The irony that this kind of grief keeps us locked away from a new future seems kinda silly, doesn't it?

One of the women in my writer's group lost her sister back in November and has been writing about the experience when she can. One of her pieces really struck home, when she talked about the seductive quality of grief -- how we can get mired in it for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that we don't have to think about the future as long as we're consumed by the past.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

One of the women in my writer's group lost her sister back in November and has been writing about the experience when she can. One of her pieces really struck home, when she talked about the seductive quality of grief -- how we can get mired in it for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that we don't have to think about the future as long as we're consumed by the past.

Thanks for sharing that. Sending a hug to her as her heart tries to heal.

I sometimes wonder if it is because the grief for something or someone is the last bits we can still hold of them... As if standing still with white knuckles on the sadness and longing of it all will prevent the last bits of them being sucked away from you like a rip tide. Even when you LOGICALLY know that letting go will actually bring relief... there is a sense of just wanting one more minute to hold them in any way you can. That said, it is not surprising that given my tendency to be stubborn in so many areas of my life that it would also show itself in how I have grieved.

But yes, that really is the question. Has grieving just somehow morphed into a convenient and comfortable excuse? Can the reality of the mortality of ones past just make them more fatalistic about their future? When the heart has to listen to the head and let go despite the love that remains, at what point can you tell your heart that it is OK to want and dream again?

Or maybe it is simply about fear, which really seems to be the most beguiling foe of them all when it comes to matters of the human heart. I have been skydiving and loved it...so why is this still so hard?

 

[midwestyankee]

Thanks for sharing that. Sending a hug to her as her heart tries to heal.

I sometimes wonder if it is because the grief for something or someone is the last bits we can still hold of them... As if standing still with white knuckles on the sadness and longing of it all will prevent the last bits of them being sucked away from you like a rip tide. Even when you LOGICALLY know that letting go will actually bring relief... there is a sense of just wanting one more minute to hold them in any way you can. That said, it is not surprising that given my tendency to be stubborn in so many areas of my life that it would also show itself in how I have grieved.

But yes, that really is the question. Has grieving just somehow morphed into a convenient and comfortable excuse? Can the reality of the mortality of ones past just make them more fatalistic about their future? When the heart has to listen to the head and let go despite the love that remains, at what point can you tell your heart that it is OK to want and dream again?

Or maybe it is simply about fear, which really seems to be the most beguiling foe of them all when it comes to matters of the human heart. I have been skydiving and loved it...so why is this still so hard?

Because there is a visible end to your sky dive. Either the ground will greet you and you will kiss the solidity of it, or not. But the ground is the end of the dive, no matter what. You can grieve your way all the way through to China and back again without even noticing that the wind is no longer whistling in your ears.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Because there is a visible end to your sky dive. Either the ground will greet you and you will kiss the solidity of it, or not. But the ground is the end of the dive, no matter what. You can grieve your way all the way through to China and back again without even noticing that the wind is no longer whistling in your ears.

Good Point. There really is something comforting about seeing that finish line, isn't there?

You know, that leaves me thinking about having a racing heart in a whole new way.

Thanks.

 

[Edith_UK]

I'm sorry for all of your losses.

Grief makes me childishly angry. I think it's the injustice. That the measure of love is loss.

Sorry that ain't helpful.

 

[desertslave]

For those of you that experienced a loss and feel that you were successful in finding a sense of completion to this process ~ How did you find momentum again? How do you really let go? When did you know you were "done"?

That said, given that so many of these threads speak about nuances of relationships of ALL sorts, I would love to hear your thoughts on endings, grief, letting go, and finally moving on.

Thank you.

I wish I had some useful trick or hopeful phrase to give you. For me, it was simply a matter of living through it and gradually finding myself on the other end.

Very long story short, after a few years of off and on, my first Sir asked me (for about the third time) to come to him in CA. I was living in NYC at the time and loosely involved with my 2nd dom. I finally started tying up loose ends and making plans to go to him, and was looking forward to it. A little over a month before my planned move a mutual friend called to tell me he had died in a car wreck (he was a crazy driver, dammit). I was dumbstruck. To be honest, I really don't remember much about the following months. Even the following years I was still in a haze. I married, vanilla, lived my nice little suburban life and gradually I woke up again. My marriage was troubled anyway, from some of his issues and clearly some of mine.

Then Master found me online, and woke me up for good. I know, now, that I probably should have gotten counseling at some point. It's difficult, though, to explain to an outsider (or even to myself) feeling such a profound sense of loss for someone who was technically a part-time, distance lover. At that age (24) I just wasn't prepared to cope.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

~When Great Trees Fall~

When great trees fall,
rocks on distant hills shudder,
lions hunker down
in tall grasses,
and even elephants
lumber after safety.

When great trees fall
in forests,
small things recoil into silence,
their senses
eroded beyond fear.

When great souls die,
the air around us becomes
light, rare, sterile.
We breathe, briefly.
Our eyes, briefly,
see with
a hurtful clarity.
Our memory, suddenly sharpened,
examines,
gnaws on kind words
unsaid,
promised walks
never taken.

Great souls die and
our reality, bound to
them, takes leave of us.
Our souls,
dependent upon their
nurture,
now shrink, wizened.
Our minds, formed
and informed by their
radiance,
fall away.
We are not so much maddened
as reduced to the unutterable ignorance
of dark, cold
caves.

And when great souls die,
after a period peace blooms,
slowly and always
irregularly. Spaces fill
with a kind of
soothing electric vibration.
Our senses, restored, never
to be the same, whisper to us.
They existed. They existed.
We can be. Be and be
better. For they existed.”

~ Maya Angelou