Good girls don't...

[LadyJeanne]

I'm curious. I often see threads here about men who marry women who loved having sex while they were dating, and then, some weeks, months, years later, their wives don't seem to have any interest or desire in having sex anymore.

Is this a phenomenon that happens in some, most, or all marriages? Do women just fake enjoying sex until they have that ring on their finger? If men really take a good look at their relationship while dating, couldn't they maybe see the signs that she wasn't really so into sex?

I realize that medical reasons, lack of romance and affection, getting bored with each other, past abuse issues, and kids/stress/work pressures all take their toll. But it seems to happen soooo often, that I can't help wonder if the answer sometimes is that some women just don't like sex, period.

Thoughts?

 

[bisexplicit]

Ask me in six years. Because thats my time schedule for when I'm getting married.

 

[emap]

I disagree, every single one of my friends loved sex, sometimes they didn't want it as often as I do, I've had boyfriends that didn't as well, but they all loved sex.

The problem with marriages losing sex isn't because someone doesn't like sex, it's because it's comfortable, people relax, they stop trying to seduce each other.

I've seen it happen, I had a male friend a while back, he always had a very clean house, stayed that way while he was dating his future wife. However, about 6 months after they got married, he had stopped cleaning it, she was the one who had to clean it, he had stopped seducing her, he would go to bed, and just try and have sex with her. She complained to me about it a few times, he didn't clean, he didn't share his day with her.

I did talk to him about it, apparently he felt that since he had to take care of her needs as well as his financially he was working more and he didn't want to ruin her day with his. This sort of snowballed into not seducing her anymore since he was providing for her and being so nice about not ruining her day to, he didn't think he needed to seduce her, he was owed sex.

This is why marriages kinda turn into divorce so much now, there is not a whole lot on marriage hapiness, tons of stuff on how to get laid and meeting someone special so nobody knows how to do anything beyond getting to the altar.

Heck the above is a problem in long relationships to.

 

[HandFan]

I have know women who genuinely dislike sex or just don't care about it...when I've asked them why they all have different reasons....don't like the physical stuff like fluids, the grunting, the faces there partner makes, or just have plain said they don't think if feels all that great. Or they also seem to have big intimacy issues. It makes me sad that there are folks out there; men and women who just don't get a lot out of sex...sure it's not like the movies, but it sure is fun!

 

[Munachi]

hm... of course i am not even close to getting married so i can't say too much on this... but... Appearantly my mother doesn't like sex or intimacy a lot which is one of the reasons my parents marriage ended (yeah i know too much about my parents sex life... of course i also know it somewhat one sided, somehow my dad felt the need to justify himself to me one day) - and appearantly part of the back ground is that my grandmother decided to tell her teenage daughters back then that they shouldn't have sex because it is "no fun" and just something a woman does to keep her husband, and this made an impression on my mom... so i guess often disliking sex isn't something about actually disliking it but somehow having be taught to dislike it... anyway, fortunately i am more like my dad...

 

[LadyJeanne]

I have know women who genuinely dislike sex or just don't care about it...when I've asked them why they all have different reasons....don't like the physical stuff like fluids, the grunting, the faces there partner makes, or just have plain said they don't think if feels all that great. Or they also seem to have big intimacy issues. It makes me sad that there are folks out there; men and women who just don't get a lot out of sex...sure it's not like the movies, but it sure is fun!

K, if that's the case, then wouldn't a guy discover that when they're dating? How can they have sex like bunnies before getting married if they genuinely dislike it, only to reveal it later after the wedding? That's the part I find confusing. If you just don't like sex, then why doesn't that become clear before they get married?

 

[LadyJeanne]

hm... of course i am not even close to getting married so i can't say too much on this... but... Appearantly my mother doesn't like sex or intimacy a lot which is one of the reasons my parents marriage ended (yeah i know too much about my parents sex life... of course i also know it somewhat one sided, somehow my dad felt the need to justify himself to me one day) - and appearantly part of the back ground is that my grandmother decided to tell her teenage daughters back then that they shouldn't have sex because it is "no fun" and just something a woman does to keep her husband, and this made an impression on my mom... so i guess often disliking sex isn't something about actually disliking it but somehow having be taught to dislike it... anyway, fortunately i am more like my dad...

I guess if you go into it thinking it's going to be horrible, it might end up being so, but what a shame that she never met a man who could change her mind about it!

 

[Qina]

Hmmm, I've been with my BF almost 8 years now and I'm the one complaining that he's not interested anymore. I don't think I've ever turned him down.

 

[Munachi]

I guess if you go into it thinking it's going to be horrible, it might end up being so, but what a shame that she never met a man who could change her mind about it!

well i hope she gets a boyfriend one day... but right now she mainly seems to think men aren't worth the trouble... ah well but she is much happier with her life in general than she was four or five years ago, so that is good.

 

[wicked woman]

K, if that's the case, then wouldn't a guy discover that when they're dating? How can they have sex like bunnies before getting married if they genuinely dislike it, only to reveal it later after the wedding? That's the part I find confusing. If you just don't like sex, then why doesn't that become clear before they get married?

Because the woman wasn't honest about her feelings/interest in sex in an attempt to 'catch' him?

 

[h_i_s]

In my experience in past relationships that failed sexually, there were a whole lot of other things that had already failed (or were never present to begin with) prior to the sex life becoming stale .. and then totally non-existant. IE: Trust, respect, common interests .. to name a few, in no particular order. Eventually, it was a good thing that the relationships ended. We had little in common to begin with, and not much to base a solid relationship on.

In those experiences, it was the males who first slacked off in the sexual department ... not i.

i'm now in my first (and last ) marriage. Things could not be better. my Husband is first and foremost, my best friend. i trust Him, respect Him and love Him to extents that i have never felt toward any other. Communication works both ways between us. The sex interest is at an all time high, and still going strong, ... and growing, still.

i used to think that ALL relationships, and/or marriages are destined to failure in the sexual department eventually. i couldn't have been more misinformed, ... could not have been more mistaken.

 

[bholderman]

I'm curious. I often see threads here about men who marry women who loved having sex while they were dating, and then, some weeks, months, years later, their wives don't seem to have any interest or desire in having sex anymore.

Is this a phenomenon that happens in some, most, or all marriages? Do women just fake enjoying sex until they have that ring on their finger? If men really take a good look at their relationship while dating, couldn't they maybe see the signs that she wasn't really so into sex?

I realize that medical reasons, lack of romance and affection, getting bored with each other, past abuse issues, and kids/stress/work pressures all take their toll. But it seems to happen soooo often, that I can't help wonder if the answer sometimes is that some women just don't like sex, period.

Thoughts?

LadyJeanne,

It may be common but let me throw my experience onto the fire. I wasn't very experienced before meeting my wife. She is still the love of my life, ans ex is still actually good. But my wife was very experienced and willign to explore more when we first met, but thing have died since that. Me being limited may be the largest problem, now I want to experience the things shes done, but shes done it already...

Brad

 

[SBroadB9]

Well, I don't want to sound sexist, but I think a good number of women really don't like sex. They will use it to get the guy they want, but taper off after marriage. I know a lot of people who have experienced this, including me.

 

[HandFan]

K, if that's the case, then wouldn't a guy discover that when they're dating? How can they have sex like bunnies before getting married if they genuinely dislike it, only to reveal it later after the wedding? That's the part I find confusing. If you just don't like sex, then why doesn't that become clear before they get married?

To answer...I'm sure that a lot of folks find if someone they have sex with despises the act before marriage. But there are people out there that lie to themselves about how they feel about sex for their own selfish purposes....or that truelly think that maybe someday they will like it if they find a caring partner, but never end up getting there at all. Everyone's motives can be different...but I don't really believe that a lot of women purposely hide a dislike of sex consciously...they may not even be telling themselves the truth. I'm not saying that all wives that dislike sex are like this...but it seems that if it get revealed in the relationship that the woman really, really doesn't like sex...then it's usually something that she's been hiding from herself too, not just the man.

I'm not sure why you attached your reply to my previous statement...since I really wasn't saying anything that I feel ties to the point you just made above...but I did feel like what you posted deserved a reply reguardless.

 

[Eilan]

I'm not going to say too much here because I've posted about this in more detail in another thread, but I grew to dislike sex during my first marriage. It absolutely was NOT a case of pretending to like sex to catch a husband. Our issues started a little over three years into the marriage, around the time our first child was born. I think, in hindsight, it was a combination of having a child and careers and slowly growing apart and not communicating in the process. This allowed resentments to build, and those resentments created problems for us sexually. There were also issues related to the sex, namely painful intercourse for me, but again, we did a piss-poor job of discussing/dealing with them.

My hubby and I have been together for just over four years (married for 3 1/2 years). Since we've both been married previously, we've had the opportunity to learn from the mistakes that we've made with others--not just the sexual "mistakes," either. We make an effort to put our relationship first. That's NOT to say that we neglect our kids, but we both feel really strongly about giving them an positive example of what a relationship's supposed to be like. We communicate about any differences we might have; that way the little issues don't manifest themselves in places (namely our bedroom) that they shouldn't be in.

 

[pplwatching]

I often see threads here about men who marry women who loved having sex while they were dating, and then, some weeks, months, years later, their wives don't seem to have any interest or desire in having sex anymore. ... I realize that medical reasons, lack of romance and affection, getting bored with each other, past abuse issues, and kids/stress/work pressures all take their toll.

Those are all a part of the equation, and seem common because they are the norm, rather than the exceptions when the honeymoon is over. My marriage has certainly been through most of those. The trick is connecting the dots back to sex and dating. You have touched on two basic components of a good sex life; willingness and desire. Willingness is the motivation to have sex because you either want to be intimate or you are sensitive to your partners needs and want to fulfill them. There are many posts on Lit similar to the responses here connecting the willingness to have sex with emotional happiness, communication, feeling loved, feeling respected, and even just feeling that your spouse is helping out around the house. The desire to have sex is the biological drive for sex. Hormones are the key to desire, and there are a lot of things that can interfere with hormones; Stress, sleep, age, weight, and birth control are all known culprits that interfere with both hormones and desire.

There's a lot of wisdom in Eilan's post, and I share her philosophy. If my marriage fails, then I've failed my children. It won't matter how much time I've devoted to the kids if the end result is a broken home. The same can be said for my job. If I spend all my energy on my job, and have none left for my marriage then it won't matter how much money we have, the marriage will still have failed. What I would add is that I have to take a lot of the responsibility for both my wife's willingness and desire. A large part of keeping the marriage bed warm is about setting priorities.

I can't help wonder if the answer sometimes is that some women just don't like sex, period.

I think that it's much more complicated than that, and everything that I've read leads me to believe that's an exceptional case (setting aside psychological and emotional trauma). Most often when someone posts about sexual problems in a marriage, the stock response is 'communication'. While that's good advice in general, responses rarely offer much in the way of help in exploring the "happiness factor" and what must be done to improve a couple's sex life. Beyond communication lays the dirty work of exporing the rest of the marriage as the source of the problem. When my sex life cools off a bit I have to ask a lot of questions and then do my best to listen to what my wife has to say. What are the demands on her time? Have I been doing something that makes more work for her? Is there something that I can do to help with her stress? What chores can I do to help her get to bed earlier? Do I need to get home from work earlier to help get dinner ready? Have I been emotionally available for her when she needed a friend to talk to? How have I expressed my feelings for her lately? I have found that I really need to be proactive and ask myself a lot of these questions even during the good times. Sometimes sex is an ounce of prevention versus a pound of cure. Anyway, I think that if I want great sex with my wife then I have to take some responsibility for making it happen. Maybe the stock response should be, "What have you done lately to make her want to have sex with you?"

I've read many postings through the years from people expressing dissapointment with their marital sex life, especially when compared with the sex they had before they were married. I've come to the conclusion, having been on both sides of the fence, that it's a flawed argument that having sex before marriage tells you anything at all about the quality or quantity of sex after marriage.

The fundamental flaw with the sex before marriage argument is that it ignores the context of what's happening within the relationship at any given time. Sex before marriage happens when a relationship is new, and there's a lot of chemical stimulation in the body. The odds are in favor of great sex. Sex after marriage happens when the chemical infatuation is gone and real life has settled in. The ups and downs of every day life replace the chemical high of infatuation.

I will even argue that it's possible that having sex before marriage may reduce the likelyhood that a person will have a fulfilling sex life throughout a marriage. Sex is a natural barometer of a marriage. Health issues aside, when great sex is built on a great marriage, changes in the quality / quantity of sex can be a good indication of the health of the marriage. The same can not be said about sex and dating. Great sex while in the throes of romantic infatuation can mask problems in the relationship. Sex creates an emotional investment in the relationship, which creates a built in bias against breaking off the romance to search for a more suitable partner. Great sex makes it easier to overlook the little things that might otherwise be valuable clues about personaility or character flaws, about suitability for marriage. In other words, sex before marriage may result in settling for a less than ideal spouse because the sex is great, which may lead to an unhappy marriage, which leads to sexual problems, which brings us back to 'she liked sex before marriage, but not any more". IMHO a marriage that is based even in part on great sex is at a disadvantage when the sex hits a rough spot because then a part of the foundation of the marriage is in trouble.

 

[SweetErika]

I've read many postings through the years from people expressing dissapointment with their marital sex life, especially when compared with the sex they had before they were married. I've come to the conclusion, having been on both sides of the fence, that it's a flawed argument that having sex before marriage tells you anything at all about the quality or quantity of sex after marriage.

The fundamental flaw with the sex before marriage argument is that it ignores the context of what's happening within the relationship at any given time. Sex before marriage happens when a relationship is new, and there's a lot of chemical stimulation in the body. The odds are in favor of great sex. Sex after marriage happens when the chemical infatuation is gone and real life has settled in. The ups and downs of every day life replace the chemical high of infatuation.

I will even argue that it's possible that having sex before marriage may reduce the likelyhood that a person will have a fulfilling sex life throughout a marriage. Sex is a natural barometer of a marriage. Health issues aside, when great sex is built on a great marriage, changes in the quality / quantity of sex can be a good indication of the health of the marriage. The same can not be said about sex and dating. Great sex while in the throes of romantic infatuation can mask problems in the relationship. Sex creates an emotional investment in the relationship, which creates a built in bias against breaking off the romance to search for a more suitable partner. Great sex makes it easier to overlook the little things that might otherwise be valuable clues about personaility or character flaws, about suitability for marriage. In other words, sex before marriage may result in settling for a less than ideal spouse because the sex is great, which may lead to an unhappy marriage, which leads to sexual problems, which brings us back to 'she liked sex before marriage, but not any more". IMHO a marriage that is based even in part on great sex is at a disadvantage when the sex hits a rough spot because then a part of the foundation of the marriage is in trouble.

Great post and points in general. I think there's a lot to the chemicals we produce for a time, and theorize that a lot of people get married before those wear off and can get a good feel for what the relationship is really like. We were together for almost five years, and had lived together for a couple before marriage. At that time, we both had a clear picture of what our sex life would be after marriage, and while it wasn't exactly what I wanted, it WAS acceptable. Additionally, the foundation and attitudes were such that I knew it would continue to go in the right direction after marriage (and it has gone way beyond my expectations with effort and communication). So, in our case, sex before marriage was a good indicator, but because it was combined with a significant amount of time and a very solid relationship.

 

[Eilan]

Most often when someone posts about sexual problems in a marriage, the stock response is 'communication'. While that's good advice in general, responses rarely offer much in the way of help in exploring the "happiness factor" and what must be done to improve a couple's sex life. Beyond communication lays the dirty work of exporing the rest of the marriage as the source of the problem.

Maybe the stock response should be, "What have you done lately to make her want to have sex with you?"

Very well said.

I tend to be one of those people who preaches communication when someone starts an I'm-not-getting-any thread, but I'm aware that it doesn't do a lot of good when the partner isn't open to that OR the thread starter isn't listening to what's being said in the first place. I think communication ends up being a good "stock response" here at Lit because it's a safe, though obvious, response; we don't know the people involved, so we can't really jump to conclusions.

I'm a damn proud person. I hatehatehate admitting that I make mistakes, but I'm happy to say that I've made the effort to learn from those that I've made. If anything positive came out of the demise of my first marriage, it was my newfound ability to look within myself and think about how I contributed to the breakup. So, pplwatching, your "What have I done lately to make her [and for the sake of argument, I'll say "him" as well] want to have sex with me?" question is an excellent question because it attempts to foster self-awareness. I'll be the first to admit that it's tough, though, to see things about oneself that one doesn't want to see.

 

[Brinnie]

Good girls don't do anything I do. ​

 

[HotKittySpank]

married for ten years

Dude, sorry, I've been married for ten years and can honestly say that my intrest in sex has gone up and down over the years. A lot of disinterest stems from stress and hormonal changes - at least that's the case for me. Having kids gets in the way too. Lots of women need to feel relaxed and secure in order to get in the mood. If the environment is stressful (like kids in the next room / dirty laundy piling up) its a real turn off - unless your into that sort of stuff.
Best of Luck -

\0\0\0\0dB9]Well, I don't want to sound sexist, but I think a good number of women really don't like sex. They will use it to get the guy they want, but taper off after marriage. I know a lot of people who have experienced this, including me.[/QUOTE]

 

[Eilan]

Dude, sorry, I've been married for ten years and can honestly say that my intrest in sex has gone up and down over the years. A lot of disinterest stems from stress and hormonal changes - at least that's the case for me. Having kids gets in the way too. Lots of women need to feel relaxed and secure in order to get in the mood. If the environment is stressful (like kids in the next room / dirty laundy piling up) its a real turn off - unless your into that sort of stuff.

I agree with a lot of what you've said, HotKittySpank. I joked about this in another thread, but it really is a bit of a turn-on for me to see my hubby doing housework. Something about him pushing that vacuum. . . oh, yeah.

My husband and I have four small children, so while the house is clean, it isn't always neat, and it doesn't help that we both have a fairly high clutter tolerance. However, we share as much of the housework/child care as we can, particularly now that my husband's retired (I tended to assume more of these tasks when he was working). If one or the other of us happened to be doing all the work around the house, that person might be too tired for sex, and that could breed resentment on both ends. So what we have is a win-win situation.

A lot of people, particularly if they've never cohabited before marriage, aren't truly prepared for the day-to-day reality of being half of a married couple. In a dating/courtship situation, people tend to be on their best behavior in a lot of ways: looking good, hiding disgusting habits, and--yes--having sex. Once they get married, however, they get to see each other when they're not at their best, such when they get up in the morning and when they're sick. Kinda shatters the illusion.

However, I don't necessarily think that people (men OR women) intentionally slack off after marriage. Some of them might. A lot of times, though, I think it has to do with getting married and settling into a routine and dealing with the reality of that--and having children certainly doesn't make that any easier to deal with, particularly if they come along early in the marriage. As trite as it sounds, sometimes life gets in the way, and that's often difficult for a couple to deal with, particularly once the "newness" is gone.

 

[HotKittySpank]

A lot of people, particularly if they've never cohabited before marriage, aren't truly prepared for the day-to-day reality of being half of a married couple. In a dating/courtship situation, people tend to be on their best behavior in a lot of ways.

Hear, Hear!

 

[oxphocker]

I don't know about anyone else....but personally, if I wasn't sick, stressed, or exhausted...I would be up for playtime everyday. I imagine as I get older this will go down but for now (and without a SO at the moment) once a day seems to be the standard...

 

[karndav]

I think marriages go through up and downs where you have sex alot and then slow down. But women have alot of stresses once they get married and sometimes we just aren't always up to being a plaything. if we are working, we still have the kids, the house, the dinners and all that goes with being a working mom and are tired at the end of the day. If we are a stay at home mom we have just as much responsiblity. taking care of children all day although it has its rewards does take alot out of you. And some men I amnot saying all don't do their share. Sometimes our husbands forget the little things they used to do when we were dating. They forget to seduce us. They expect us to just be ready anytime they are. Again I am not saying all men, but there are some men like that. it takes work to keep a marriage alive and hot on both parts. Unfortunately for some women, sex becomes just another chore they have to do at the end of the night. There's a joke that says when a man says good night he turns off the tv and goes to bed, when a women says good night she makes the lunches, puts the coffee on for the morning, puts one last load of laundry on, checks the doors, empties the dishwasher and check on the kids. When she walks by a half hour later the husband looks up and says 'I thought you were going to bed?"

 

[LadyJeanne]

Some very thoughtful and enlightening replies in this thread. I really appreciate you for sharing your thoughts and experiences - I've been curious about this for so long.

I've never been married and when I hear so many stories about a woman's sex drive plummeting after marriage, I start to wonder if it's such a good idea. But I see that there are many variables that come into play and it doesn't have to happen if the couple makes a point of taking very good care of each other's emotional needs.