Do women grow tired of sex with just one person quicker than men?

[LMWM321]

There is a back story to my comment a private one of which NO OFFENCE has been suffered by the recipient. @LMWM321 thank you for your kindly reminder of respect. Suggest you follow your own advice

Fine… But given that I was not privy to that conversation, I was responding to the comments as they are presented in the thread. In which case my remark was not disrespectful, It was totally apropos. If you can point to an instance where I have been disrespectful to somebody, I’d sure like to see it.

 

[Mrlighthouse]

Fair comment, respect for respecting and protecting. Handshake

 

[LMWM321]

Fair comment, respect for respecting and protecting. Handshake

You bet, and thanks

 

[LMWM321]

I wouldn't say I ever grew tired of having sex with my ex husband. We had our peaks and troughs like all relationships, but even when we went a couple of months without sex (and me turning down his advances) it wasn't because I was tired or unsatisfied with having sex with him, nor was it due to any lack of attraction to him, it was usually down to a flat line in the sexual tension between us. He was the person I spent every leisurely minute of my life with since we were very young. As work, domestic duties and everything else built up, sometimes it felt like I was getting more of a comfort vibe from him than any kind of sexual urge.

Thanks Lipstick for your thoughtful reply and contribution to the thread. Very much appreciated

Please don't take offense but you seem to disagree with my original post - ie., That women grow tired of sex with just one person quicker than men - but then you go on to tell your personal story which seems to perfectly align with my OP.

To explain...

You said you love your husband but at the same time found that after years of being joined at the hip, there were times when you got "more of a comfort vibe from him than any kind of sexual urge." Meanwhile he was still interested in sex with you. Plus, you acknowledge that occasionally (and with his knowledge) being with other men worked as a catalyst to getting things back on track, sexually, with your husband.

So, again, this seems to perfectly exemplify what I described. So if there is a gap between what I posited in my original post and your personal experience, I'm not seeing it.

Your thoughts?

 

[LMWM321]

I would say where my opinion diverges from yours is the phrase "tired of sex with just one person."

Thanks for the thoughtful and beautifully written reply, LB.

 

[17_spicyfun]

I think that a lot of traditional thinking about female sexuality is distorted by environmental factors that historically affected female behaviour and confirmation bias of those seeking to understand it.

The premise that society applies a double standard and is far more harsh with women who cheat or who deviate from the expectation to be monogamous is so obvious and well established that I don't think further commentary on environmental factors (i.e. the societal environment in which women exist) is necessary. These factors clearly affect female behaviour in a way that doesn't necessarily reflect female sentiment and motivation.

So what about women's intrinsic nature. Traditional thinking has been that when men cheat it is for sexual pleasure but when women cheat it is for the personal/intimate connection. Alicia Walker is an author and sociologist who has done quite a bit of work on this topic and her findings were more or less the opposite. Her studies indicated that men who cheat are often seeking attention and validation. Meanwhile women who cheat are just as likely as men, if not more so, to be seeking sexual pleasure. Meanwhile when asked if they would be interested in an open marriage the women were more likely to say yes. Of course cheating and being non-monogamous aren't the same thing, but the findings speak to female nature and motivation.

So what about confirmation bias. It is quite common for men to think in terms of "if she was satisfied at home she wouldn't cheat" even though their views change when the roles are reversed. They completely understand a man's desire for sexual variety even if he has a sexy engaging wife. It becomes an ego thing rooted in stereotypes. Many men have convinced themselves that a wife's desire to have sex with another man reflects negatively on the sexual experience she has with him. In fact, he'd rather believe it was because he was being insensitive or inattentive so that is often the narrative men create. Again I recognize that cheating and non-monogamy are not synonymous, but I am addressing men's bias. They do not want to believe that women could have the same desire (or more) for sexual variety as men do. That is a very disconcerting thought for a man who's ego relies heavily on his wife's fidelity and who understands (even if only subconsciously) she could find other sexual partners far more easily than he could.

All that is to make the case that many of our assumptions about women being wired differently and therefore more inclined towards monogamy is flawed. So, let's drop that and start from a neutral position. From there it makes perfect sense to me that women might be less inclined towards monogamy than men. The female orgasm is somewhat more elusive and complex than the male orgasm. That is partly physical but that also feeds into a greater need for mental and emotional stimulation and those are the things (as opposed to pure physical stimulus) that may dull or fade with time and familiarity. Meanwhile we have more opportunity to engage in sex with multiple men and when we do so we are more able to have those interactions on our terms. Arguably women have more motivation to be non-monogamous and we almost certainly have more opportunity to do so and on our terms.

Interesting topic and interesting line of reasoning.
If one accepts evolution and takes a hint from the world of animals, females often copulate with different males to ensure successful procreation. Non-monogamy is thus a fact in many species.
The closest ancestors to humans, the Bonobo apes, have sex for pleasure without boundaries such as those that our societies have implanted against our intrinsic urges.

I find it interesting that the frequent loss of interest in females after menopause may have little to do with Menopause rather than a lack of variety.

 

[policywank]

Interesting topic and interesting line of reasoning.
If one accepts evolution and takes a hint from the world of animals, females often copulate with different males to ensure successful procreation. Non-monogamy is thus a fact in many species.
The closest ancestors to humans, the Bonobo apes, have sex for pleasure without boundaries such as those that our societies have implanted against our intrinsic urges.

I find it interesting that the frequent loss of interest in females after menopause may have little to do with Menopause rather than a lack of variety.

Your menopause point ties in with what I feel are the limitations of our around these topics. Some people actually assert that a decrease libido after menopause is proof that women regard sex as solely or primarily for procreation. I mean maybe, but what about those women who experience an increase is sex drive after menopause? That strongly suggests that the incremental impact of menopause is hormonal - which could go either way - not some deep seated gender disinterest in sex for pleasure. Meanwhile women who are well past menopause and lose a husband sometimes experience an uptick in sexual engagement, which suggests lack of variety or just generally unsatisfying sex was the reason their libido died out. It is not like women feel completely free to be honest (even with ourselves) about such things.

I think that observing human evolutionary psychology is fraught with confirmation bias. Obviously we are't Bonobos but that might the closest we have to somewhat unbiased data. When we look at female human behaviour we tend to ignore the enormous societal pressures and patriarchal dynamics that apply. The example I use is that of a bird in a cage in a closed room full of cats. No the bird does not want to leave the cage. But one can't just look at that, disregard the cats or the closed room and conclude that it has evolved to prefer living in a cage.

 

[17_spicyfun]

I like your caged bird surrounded by (horny) cats, ready to catch her

Obviously, deducting too much from evolutionary developments should not lead us to rigid conclusions.
Many societies other than the ones we live in, have different pressures or restrictions that emanate from religious beliefs and societal norms.
I have come to the conclusion that more freedom in the sexual sphere could spare us much dissatisfaction.

 

[policywank]

I like your caged bird surrounded by (horny) cats, ready to catch her

Obviously, deducting too much from evolutionary developments should not lead us to rigid conclusions.
Many societies other than the ones we live in, have different pressures or restrictions that emanate from religious beliefs and societal norms.
I have come to the conclusion that more freedom in the sexual sphere could spare us much dissatisfaction.

I was going for hungry but horny works just as well. Another interesting thing about the evolutionary psychology thing is that if women have 'evolved' into certain behaviours that would mean we have actually changed our fundamental make up. The constraints would no longer be necessary just as the cage would no longer be necessary. But reality is that as soon as constraints on female sexuality have been released we have immediately (at least in evolutionary time) embraced those freedoms. If we were truly wired or rewired to have limited interest in sexual exploration and sex for pleasure that wouldn't have happened.

 

[live4thebj]

It depends on your priorities. I grew tired of endless none meaningful sex with random woman. I was ready for a recliner and a large screen tv. Then I met my fiancé. Our sex life dropped drastically and we had some fun times. But I never grow tired of her. I am with her for the right reasons.

 

[LMWM321]

I was going for hungry but horny works just as well. Another interesting thing about the evolutionary psychology thing is that if women have 'evolved' into certain behaviours that would mean we have actually changed our fundamental make up. The constraints would no longer be necessary just as the cage would no longer be necessary. But reality is that as soon as constraints on female sexuality have been released we have immediately (at least in evolutionary time) embraced those freedoms. If we were truly wired or rewired to have limited interest in sexual exploration and sex for pleasure that wouldn't have happened.

haha... not to disagree with you about your own excellent metaphor, but I think hungry works better. I mean, what use is a bird to a horny cat?? ..But a hungry cat?

Anyway.. I think you make a great point. If evolution wanted women to only want sex from with their husband, then little girls wouldn't need to be taught this by their parents, and at church, temple, etc...

As I've said a few times, in an amount of time that amounts to a celestial blink of the eye, we humans are now quite comfortable soaring above the clouds in a Jet even though a fear of heights is what allowed us to survive as a species.

 

[TinaCole]

Simple answer, NO.