thegenogoths
And shepards we shall be
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2002
- Posts
- 1,179
I found this just to fucking funny.
JERUSALEM-In what theological and meteorological authorities
are calling "a wrathful display of Old Testament
proportions," the Lord Almighty re-flooded the Middle East
Tuesday, making good on last week's threat to wipe the
region clean if there was not an immediate halt to the
bloodshed between Arabs and Jews.
The Lord made the decision to go ahead with His second Great
Flood after last-ditch U.S.-Saudi peace initiatives were
rejected Monday night.
"The Lord thy God has warned you and warned you, but you
have, in your hatred and selfishness, chosen to turn away
from Him," read a press statement from God, delivered by
seraphim and cherubim acting as His earthly agents. "Prepare
now to face His wrath and be drowned beneath the cleansing
waters of His righteous rage. Children of Israel and
Palestine, you who would not repent your sinful ways and
live together as God's children, prepare to face your doom
under the unstoppable deluge of the Lord's retribution."
As of press time, a torrential rain continues to fall on
Israel and the West Bank, with the downpour expected to
continue for another 39 days and 39 nights. Thus far, flood
waters have risen more than 200 feet, drowning most of the
humans and animals in the vicinity. The few remaining
survivors, most of whom cling to pieces of driftwood, have
made desperate pleas for mercy, but their cries have fallen
on deaf ears in Heaven, with the Lord refusing to stem the
raging waters.
Though regretful over the severity of God's punishment,
Mideast peace negotiators nonetheless praised Him for coming
up with the first-ever viable solution to the ongoing
crisis.
"Yahweh, or Allah, depending on what name you choose to call
Him, has finally brought to bear upon this place a direct
route to peace," said former president Jimmy Carter, who in
1978 brokered the Camp David Accords, one of the region's
many short-lived peace agreements. "Lord knows that I and
many others before and since Camp David have done our best
to find a way for these two peoples to stop the killing and
hatred, to no avail. But God, in His infinite wisdom,
realized that it just isn't worth it anymore, and that the
best thing to do is cut His losses, drown the whole lot of
them, and start fresh once the raging waters subside."
In spite of repeated warnings from God, the flood came as a
major surprise to Israeli and Palestinian leaders, who
believed He would keep the promise He made following the
Great Flood of Noah never to drown the planet again.
Confident that God would honor the "Rainbow Covenant,"
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader
Yasser Arafat rejected the 11th-hour peace deal proposed by
the joint U.S. and Saudi delegation.
"I believe Arafat and Sharon thought the Lord was bluffing
and wrongly assumed they could call His bluff rather than
make peace with each other," said Timothy Uselmann, a
professor at Harvard's Center For Middle Eastern Studies.
"Evidently, they were wrong. God has sent a strong message
here: Obey His commands, or face certain peril at His hand."
Speaking on behalf of the Lord, an unnamed,
non-denominational representative of Heaven said: "God only
promised humanity that He would never again flood the entire
Earth. He never said He wouldn't flood specific areas."
The most recent, clearest sign of the Second Deluge came
last Thursday, when a tersely worded press statement from
God's angelic hosts ominously stated, "If there are any
species native to the area that you would prefer not to see
go extinct, we strongly suggest you begin gathering them two
by two."
In spite of this and other such warnings, Palestinian
suicide bombings and the Israeli military's West Bank tank
assault continued after God's April 21 cease-fire deadline
passed.
"For too long, thou hast ignored the entreaties of thy Lord
to let go of your wickedness and hatred and live together in
peace, My children," God said. "Thou hast refused the lion
to lie down with the lamb, and My rod and staff have been of
no comfort to you. Instead, you have continued to kill each
other without ceasing. The time has come for that to stop.
You want to keep running each other over with tanks and
strapping dynamite to yourselves, killing women and children
in pursuit of your extremist political positions, that's
just fine. Let's see how well you carry out your murderous
agendas under 800 feet of water."
from - theonion.com
JERUSALEM-In what theological and meteorological authorities
are calling "a wrathful display of Old Testament
proportions," the Lord Almighty re-flooded the Middle East
Tuesday, making good on last week's threat to wipe the
region clean if there was not an immediate halt to the
bloodshed between Arabs and Jews.
The Lord made the decision to go ahead with His second Great
Flood after last-ditch U.S.-Saudi peace initiatives were
rejected Monday night.
"The Lord thy God has warned you and warned you, but you
have, in your hatred and selfishness, chosen to turn away
from Him," read a press statement from God, delivered by
seraphim and cherubim acting as His earthly agents. "Prepare
now to face His wrath and be drowned beneath the cleansing
waters of His righteous rage. Children of Israel and
Palestine, you who would not repent your sinful ways and
live together as God's children, prepare to face your doom
under the unstoppable deluge of the Lord's retribution."
As of press time, a torrential rain continues to fall on
Israel and the West Bank, with the downpour expected to
continue for another 39 days and 39 nights. Thus far, flood
waters have risen more than 200 feet, drowning most of the
humans and animals in the vicinity. The few remaining
survivors, most of whom cling to pieces of driftwood, have
made desperate pleas for mercy, but their cries have fallen
on deaf ears in Heaven, with the Lord refusing to stem the
raging waters.
Though regretful over the severity of God's punishment,
Mideast peace negotiators nonetheless praised Him for coming
up with the first-ever viable solution to the ongoing
crisis.
"Yahweh, or Allah, depending on what name you choose to call
Him, has finally brought to bear upon this place a direct
route to peace," said former president Jimmy Carter, who in
1978 brokered the Camp David Accords, one of the region's
many short-lived peace agreements. "Lord knows that I and
many others before and since Camp David have done our best
to find a way for these two peoples to stop the killing and
hatred, to no avail. But God, in His infinite wisdom,
realized that it just isn't worth it anymore, and that the
best thing to do is cut His losses, drown the whole lot of
them, and start fresh once the raging waters subside."
In spite of repeated warnings from God, the flood came as a
major surprise to Israeli and Palestinian leaders, who
believed He would keep the promise He made following the
Great Flood of Noah never to drown the planet again.
Confident that God would honor the "Rainbow Covenant,"
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader
Yasser Arafat rejected the 11th-hour peace deal proposed by
the joint U.S. and Saudi delegation.
"I believe Arafat and Sharon thought the Lord was bluffing
and wrongly assumed they could call His bluff rather than
make peace with each other," said Timothy Uselmann, a
professor at Harvard's Center For Middle Eastern Studies.
"Evidently, they were wrong. God has sent a strong message
here: Obey His commands, or face certain peril at His hand."
Speaking on behalf of the Lord, an unnamed,
non-denominational representative of Heaven said: "God only
promised humanity that He would never again flood the entire
Earth. He never said He wouldn't flood specific areas."
The most recent, clearest sign of the Second Deluge came
last Thursday, when a tersely worded press statement from
God's angelic hosts ominously stated, "If there are any
species native to the area that you would prefer not to see
go extinct, we strongly suggest you begin gathering them two
by two."
In spite of this and other such warnings, Palestinian
suicide bombings and the Israeli military's West Bank tank
assault continued after God's April 21 cease-fire deadline
passed.
"For too long, thou hast ignored the entreaties of thy Lord
to let go of your wickedness and hatred and live together in
peace, My children," God said. "Thou hast refused the lion
to lie down with the lamb, and My rod and staff have been of
no comfort to you. Instead, you have continued to kill each
other without ceasing. The time has come for that to stop.
You want to keep running each other over with tanks and
strapping dynamite to yourselves, killing women and children
in pursuit of your extremist political positions, that's
just fine. Let's see how well you carry out your murderous
agendas under 800 feet of water."
from - theonion.com
