Ghosted - what do you think when it happens

[Spins]

In response to your first point, I understand what you are referring to: punishments like putting people in stocks or making them wear scarlet letters. However, in other ways, public shaming is back. Attacks on line on people for expressing unpopular opinions or failing to support one's point of view are rampant. There was a story in the Times this week about a girl who posted something on Snapchat when she was like 14 years old using the "n" word. The post surfaced 3 years later, when she was a senior in high school. The post was relevant and significant to show that school officials took no action to protect African-American students from racist statements and behavior from the whites in the school. That is all appropriate. But she became the target of a shaming campaign based on something that she had done when she was 14 fucking years old and had to withdraw from the college she had been admitted to attend. It sounded like most of the attacks came from white people wanting to feel holy and "woke" rather than confront their own biases.
This seems to have gotten rather off the point. But I was saying that I strongly feel that public shaming does not contribute much to human understanding or improving behavior.

On your other point, I do get that exchanges can lose their intensity. I still think there is usually a tactful way of telling the person you want to end it. Like saying "I think we've lost our heat," or "This doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I think we should drop it." (This seems better than "You've gotten boring," but even that would be preferable to just ghosting them, I think.)

You are likely right, but there is something to be said for countries where public shaming does make up a large part of their system of justice.

For instance...mask wearing!

However, the potential for a mob mentality and veering from shaming in order to protect the public good versus just the public being able to focus their own rage at something that likely isn't as serious as it is being made out to be...well your example is but one of hundreds.

Here on Lit is likely does not good at all. I certainly have always chosen not to air dirty laundry, both in public and in private. My days in the GeeBee used to frustrate the bigger gossip mongers cause I never said anything. That became fun in of itself!

 

[TheOriginalSA]

I have ghosted people before, Lit becomes toxic sometimes and I have been impulsive taking a break. I can't keep in contact with everyone in my inbox, I choose to keep the people closest to me and left the rest. I don't feel it's wrong, you don't know what's going on in people's lives and you don't know how LIT is affecting them negatively. I am sorry for hurting some people, but I don't regret my actions

 

[Curious51228]

What do I think? I don't anymore.

I have it on pretty good authority that I'm anything but boring, no matter how hard I've tried to be. And if something did happen a thousand miles away that they didn't tell me about then I could hardly help, then, could I? And, yeah, while I'm willing to sling some clothes in a backpack, halter Dogzilla, gather up my cane, and limp out to walk those thousand miles if I was needed, I wasn't gonna if I did't know I wasneeded.

Perhaps I'm just too simplistic, but I figure there are two kinds of people; those you can count on and those you just can't....

I aspire to have both your wisdom and your writing ability. It’s conceivable that the former will come in time, but I’m afraid the latter will be forever beyond my grasp!

As for ghosting, I assume that it comes with the territory here. I wouldn’t do it myself, but I’ve chosen not to judge others when they disappear, since by definition I have no idea what might be going on with them in their life. I think it’s better for my own mental health to give them grace and assume the best.

 

[WrightOne]

Ghosted? Yeah.

Never worried about it much, really. I think you'd just drive yourself nuts wondering about all the reasons.

 

[Floridafun4everyone]

I wonder if I was too aggressive, or not aggressive enough

 

[Kat73]

I've really only ever been ghosted here. Usually it's because they had to get back to life or that out "relationship" was getting too involved. Makes me cautious.

 

[Karabare]

I've really only ever been ghosted here. Usually it's because they had to get back to life or that out "relationship" was getting too involved. Makes me cautious.

Being cautious is always smart.

 

[LiveLife69]

Vvvvvbb

 

[Justadesperatewifeandmom]

If someone I talk to regularly isn't responding for weeks, and they are also not on Lit, I assume they are not on Lit and as such, not on Lit associated accounts. When and if they come back, maybe they will say hi, or maybe they won't. If they are on lit but not talking to me, I assume they don't feel like responding and if/when they do, they will. If they never do, we had our time, but it was time to move on. That is ok.

Ghosting is the act of ending a relationship by avoiding all contact with the other person. However, in order to feel ghosted, one most have an expectation that everything will continue, and feel entitled to an explanation if it doesn't, likely as a biproduct of their perception of the relationship. That perspective is often not shared. I know my perspective is unusual, so is the fact that sometimes I need time away from lit, that I am not looking for a "relationship", thus as part of a kind of a statement of intent, I explain what I am looking for, and that my stepping back from lit is not me trying to end anything or indicative of a problem, it just means I am not on lit. I used to be frustrated with myself for failing to communicate these points properly when someone would feel hurt that I took a break. However, I can only conclude a percentage of people don't listen because I don't see how I could be more clear. If they weren't amenable to what I am looking for, why did they not voice a compatibility concern when I shared. Even more frustrating, I have even be accused of ghosting by men I didn't even know because at some point I replied to a pm with thank you a couple of times.

It is about the perception of both parties. I won't feel ghosted, therefor, I am not. If I am ending a connection, you will know. My absence is just my absence, like I said it would be. Others ghost a relationship because they think it is more kind than the truth. Some people didn't ghost and told the other party exactly why they were unhappy, but the person just didn't hear. Some people aren't ghosting but have other priorities. Some people didn't realize there was a relationship to ghost. People have different timelines and different expectations.

 

[Fingerfuxs]

If someone I talk to regularly isn't responding for weeks, and they are also not on Lit, I assume they are not on Lit and as such, not on Lit associated accounts. When and if they come back, maybe they will say hi, or maybe they won't. If they are on lit but not talking to me, I assume they don't feel like responding and if/when they do, they will. If they never do, we had our time, but it was time to move on. That is ok.

Ghosting is the act of ending a relationship by avoiding all contact with the other person. However, in order to feel ghosted, one most have an expectation that everything will continue, and feel entitled to an explanation if it doesn't, likely as a biproduct of their perception of the relationship. That perspective is often not shared. I know my perspective is unusual, so is the fact that sometimes I need time away from lit, that I am not looking for a "relationship", thus as part of a kind of a statement of intent, I explain what I am looking for, and that my stepping back from lit is not me trying to end anything or indicative of a problem, it just means I am not on lit. I used to be frustrated with myself for failing to communicate these points properly when someone would feel hurt that I took a break. However, I can only conclude a percentage of people don't listen because I don't see how I could be more clear. If they weren't amenable to what I am looking for, why did they not voice a compatibility concern when I shared. Even more frustrating, I have even be accused of ghosting by men I didn't even know because at some point I replied to a pm with thank you a couple of times.

It is about the perception of both parties. I won't feel ghosted, therefor, I am not. If I am ending a connection, you will know. My absence is just my absence, like I said it would be. Others ghost a relationship because they think it is more kind than the truth. Some people didn't ghost and told the other party exactly why they were unhappy, but the person just didn't hear. Some people aren't ghosting but have other priorities. Some people didn't realize there was a relationship to ghost. People have different timelines and different expectations.

Waving 🖐 hey

 

[BibleBelt]

Was ghosted once. Ghosting was specifically addressed. We agreed there would be no ghosting. Because of the agreement, I was surprised by it. In one moment I was contacted, the next I was ghosted. Was a waste of my time. Trusted the wrong person. Happens.

 

[ydahecnot]

Looks as if this thread was ghosted for a long time

 

[BibleBelt]

Looks as if this thread was ghosted for a long time

Perfect for the topic.

 

[Escierto]

What do I think when it happens? I guess the other person lost interest which is fine. It happens and life goes on. With or without you.

 

[curious_slut]

I don't usually worry about it. I've ghosted people who made me uncomfortable if we only talked for a short time. And I've been ghosted. I only took it personally once because I'd known the person for 10 years so that was shitty.

 

[Fingerfuxs]

No answer is the answer file it as done , move on. But not every single note needs a reply either. I use likes or as acknowledgment that I’m not invisible too. Lit has a learning curve that can be cruel or sometimes confusing as to the people and thread posting dynamics on any certain day.

 

[Dribble]

No answer is the answer file it as done , move on. But not every single note needs a reply either. I use likes or as acknowledgment that I’m not invisible too. Lit has a learning curve that can be cruel or sometimes confusing as to the people and thread posting dynamics on any certain day.

Dude...so true. Worthy of a quote...not just a thumb

 

[Mav Unlimited]

Their dick probably falls off.

 

[BibleBelt]

Sure, no answer is the answer.

Someone mentioned expectations and perceptions. Very good point. When the exchanges are casual, ghosting is always a possibility. But after ten years? That must have been hard, Never ghosted on someone I spent a lot of time with and a certain level of emotional involvement was reached. Everything else falls into casual exchanges that died a natural death, or if necessary, I let the other person know, I wasn't interested anymore. Or the other person let me know. If I am able to start something crossing the line from casual to something more serious, I should also be able to end it in an adult, non-abusive way in my opinion.

In short, moving on, not taking it personally, is the best way to deal with it.

 

[VoraciousValue]

What did I do that was so wrong??

 

[Fingerfuxs]

It’s a whole next level after it happens a few times ..lol

welcome to the lurkers sphere

Be a Trevor , not a Pete