Ghosted - what do you think when it happens

[Spins]

Generally I think, "Wow, I must have done something wrong," but, in reality, it really has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the person who is ghosting.

Of course that doesn't make it any easier nor does it prevent my over analyzing what I did, or didn't do, or could have done better.

If you spend any time online you are bound to connect with a person eventually. So, with that being a certainly, then there is a certainly someone will just up and disappear.

After having been on Lit for, way too long, I cannot even count the number of people who have simply disappeared. Some of them were more than just friends, more than just a way to pass the time. It stings and always will.

So, yeah, maybe you become jaded to it, but there are usually reasons it happens. Even if you do not know what that reason is.

 

[Just4AFriend]

People do leave Lit. How? I have no clue. I have tried. For many of us Lit is “the Hotel California” of websites

But... I think to dine extent guys get ghosted by women who remain for screwing up and sending something offensive or lady’s like the and hunt and fresh tastes of a spanking new friend.

Sometimes friendship draws them back

Patience, but, if you screwed up, learn from it.

 

[ShaneoD]

If I've built up an actual relationship with someone and they ghost me that sucks, choosing to to that rather than saying they don't have the time or expressing whatever feelings they may have is more of a reflection of their own poor standards for communication.

If they're ghosting random "hellos" or "hi"s on here I wouldn't hold them to that same standard.

I guess I'm just the type that if someone has done something that has caused me to loose affection for them I'll tell them and I'd like that same courtesy back of it's the other way around.

 

[LurkingPhoenix]

I would likely assume that I deserved it. Because that wouldn't be far from wrong, given who I am as a person.

I've never ghosted. I've never even thought of it.

 

[CurvyAngel_2]

If I've built up an actual relationship with someone and they ghost me that sucks, choosing to to that rather than saying they don't have the time or expressing whatever feelings they may have is more of a reflection of their own poor standards for communication.

If they're ghosting random "hellos" or "hi"s on here I wouldn't hold them to that same standard.

I guess I'm just the type that if someone has done something that has caused me to loose affection for them I'll tell them and I'd like that same courtesy back of it's the other way around.

This..exactly so!

 

[Orchidea73]

I would likely assume that I deserved it. Because that wouldn't be far from wrong, given who I am as a person.

I've never ghosted. I've never even thought of it.

Actually, those who ghost do so because they feel guilt and do not like any sort of confrontation. It's the "easy" way out. If you were as bad as you think, they would have no problem to tell you to fuck off.

 

[QuietCanadian]

I think it's a tough question to answer. I would guess it's happened to most everyone, but I try not to let it get to me. Everyone is here for different reasons, in different circumstances, and is likely going through something we know nothing about. (Is this every situation? No. Is it the majority? Probably.) What is easy for me might not be easy for you, what's hard for him might not be for her.

We all have different expectations and Lit can be a place of poor communication. I'm not one to assume the worst of someone (or myself) most of the time, there are a thousand reasons someone might leave without saying anything, I'd guess a lot of those aren't mean spirited.

If someone is still active here and has stopped responding, I might then be more negative... I also might not.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

I get where you are coming from. As others have emphasized, it is important not to put too much emotion into an on-line relationship. On the other hand, if you don't put something of yourself into it, then the relationship is kind of pointless.
Someone responded below that people just come here to cum. If you can get off with an exchange that involves nothing more than depictions of sexual acts, more power to you, but it is more satisfying if you take the time to know the other person's interests and fantasies. Which means that there is some personal loss when it ends, especially without warning.

You don't give that much information, so this is speculation. But I am sure there are many men who treat on-line seduction in a manner similar to a certain, traditional male role in real life. Once the man succeeds in "scoring," he loses interest and moves on to the next conquest. It does take a real asshole to treat a woman that way without even saying good-bye.

I’ve had it happen, as recently as a few months ago. It can hurt, especially if you have been chatting for months and you put effort into someone else. Yes, life happens, mental state happens, and/or whatnot happens. Sometimes you question what is wrong with you, when literally you see them days later placing ads looking for someone new to chat with. But the reality is that they, most likely, have a problem and it is not your’s to deal with it. It’s hard to want to be truly open and honest about things on here and other sites as people just disappear without notice. It can hurt, but over time you just kind of become jaded to it all.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

People have summed up very well the reasons not to take it personally. Someone who dumps you without explanation is clearly a jerk, no matter what you may have done to turn them off. Any decent human being will say something.

But there continues to be that nagging concern, that something tragic happened to her. (Or him. Its always her in my case. While I've chatted with some men on occasion on here, its not been to develop a connection and not to talk about sex)

Generally I think, "Wow, I must have done something wrong," but, in reality, it really has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the person who is ghosting.

Of course that doesn't make it any easier nor does it prevent my over analyzing what I did, or didn't do, or could have done better.

If you spend any time online you are bound to connect with a person eventually. So, with that being a certainly, then there is a certainly someone will just up and disappear.

After having been on Lit for, way too long, I cannot even count the number of people who have simply disappeared. Some of them were more than just friends, more than just a way to pass the time. It stings and always will.

So, yeah, maybe you become jaded to it, but there are usually reasons it happens. Even if you do not know what that reason is.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

Guilt may be a factor, but I don't think its guilt at ending the relationship or game or whatever we had. I think the guilt comes from the "cheating" aspect of playing on line.
But how much confrontation is involved in telling someone "I have to stop. Its affecting my real life."

Actually, those who ghost do so because they feel guilt and do not like any sort of confrontation. It's the "easy" way out. If you were as bad as you think, they would have no problem to tell you to fuck off.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

An update

Those who predicted she would turn up again were right.
She wrote to me last night.

 

[tigger_lover]

depends on the circumstances. but sometimes when the person you are speaking to turns into Casper, its their loss

 

[SassySheDevil]

Generally I think, "Wow, I must have done something wrong," but, in reality, it really has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the person who is ghosting.

Of course that doesn't make it any easier nor does it prevent my over analyzing what I did, or didn't do, or could have done better.

If you spend any time online you are bound to connect with a person eventually. So, with that being a certainly, then there is a certainly someone will just up and disappear.

After having been on Lit for, way too long, I cannot even count the number of people who have simply disappeared. Some of them were more than just friends, more than just a way to pass the time. It stings and always will.

So, yeah, maybe you become jaded to it, but there are usually reasons it happens. Even if you do not know what that reason is.

I love this. So true.

 

[Lonelywife1205]

We should have a thread calling these people out!

I don’t consider it ghosting unless it is a relationship that has gone on for some time. I mean, sometimes conversations just dry up and it wasn’t to a point yet where it would be appropriate to officially end it. It’s a fine line.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

We should have a thread calling these people out!

I don’t consider it ghosting unless it is a relationship that has gone on for some time. I mean, sometimes conversations just dry up and it wasn’t to a point yet where it would be appropriate to officially end it. It’s a fine line.

I agree with this definition. However, I don't think calling out people will improve anything. Yes, it is inconsiderate, but embarrassing people or trying to humiliate them rarely contributes to better interpersonal relationships.
(Unless it is someone who is into being humiliated, but that's a different thing)

I don't think I've ever been ghosted, at least not to my knowledge . I mean, I've talked to many people over the last few years, and eventually, the conversations died down and stopped, but those were more acquaintances. Those who matter, the friends I have made, there has been no ghosting.

Maybe that's a good way to distinguish between friends and acquaintances.

 

[Modern_drunkard]

Dude, ever just find a way to get yourself banned and then create a new user name? Ummm me neither dude.

 

[Lonelywife1205]

I agree with this definition. However, I don't think calling out people will improve anything. Yes, it is inconsiderate, but embarrassing people or trying to humiliate them rarely contributes to better interpersonal relationships.
(Unless it is someone who is into being humiliated, but that's a different thing)

I was just kidding.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

I agree with this definition. However, I don't think calling out people will improve anything. Yes, it is inconsiderate, but embarrassing people or trying to humiliate them rarely contributes to better interpersonal relationships.
(Unless it is someone who is into being humiliated, but that's a different thing)

I was just kidding.

Sorry.
I don't know you very well, but in retrospect, I feel a little like Sheldon.
But I"m not the only one who took you at face value.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

I agree with this definition. However, I don't think calling out people will improve anything. Yes, it is inconsiderate, but embarrassing people or trying to humiliate them rarely contributes to better interpersonal relationships.
(Unless it is someone who is into being humiliated, but that's a different thing)



I agree. And if someone doesn't want to talk to you anymore, do you really want to put them in a situation where they will feel they need to justify publically why they don't want to talk to you anymore. Might not turn out so well for you

Looking at what she posted again, I think we should have recognized that she was being sarcastic.
And sarcasm is central to the functioning of the Playground Forum.

 

[Lonelywife1205]

We should have a thread calling these people out!

I don’t consider it ghosting unless it is a relationship that has gone on for some time. I mean, sometimes conversations just dry up and it wasn’t to a point yet where it would be appropriate to officially end it. It’s a fine line.

I’m quoting myself here to point out the tongue sticking out emoji that I used to signify that I was being sarcastic.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

I’m quoting myself here to point out the tongue sticking out emoji that I used to signify that I was being sarcastic.

I see that.
Like I said, I was being like Sheldon.

 

[Spins]

People have summed up very well the reasons not to take it personally. Someone who dumps you without explanation is clearly a jerk, no matter what you may have done to turn them off. Any decent human being will say something.

But there continues to be that nagging concern, that something tragic happened to her. (Or him. Its always her in my case. While I've chatted with some men on occasion on here, its not been to develop a connection and not to talk about sex)

It is rough to always be wondering what happened to someone. I believe most of us who make a connection do not wish anything ill to a person (though maybe that "nice" part of us is one of the reasons folks tend to leave without a word. They know there will be little consequence to doing so).

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I do wonder what happens to the hearts of the people who just up and disappear.

 

[Spins]

Those who predicted she would turn up again were right.
She wrote to me last night.

I hope she is doing well and it didn't cause you too much indigestion.

I love this. So true.

It may be true, but I find myself having to tell myself it again and again and again. Sometimes I wonder how different the people who ghost are from the people who do not ghost. Maybe it is just a matter of timing.

We should have a thread calling these people out!

I don’t consider it ghosting unless it is a relationship that has gone on for some time. I mean, sometimes conversations just dry up and it wasn’t to a point yet where it would be appropriate to officially end it. It’s a fine line.

I agree with this definition. However, I don't think calling out people will improve anything. Yes, it is inconsiderate, but embarrassing people or trying to humiliate them rarely contributes to better interpersonal relationships.

Sometimes I do wonder if public humiliation on a whole might be a worthwhile endeavor to bring back. I think all of us on Lit might be surprised at the actions of a popular member, or the person who only played on the game threads, but no one is without sin.

I imagine every one has done someone wrong at some point.

Also, sometimes chat do just fizzle. I know I try to tell folks that I am not interested if there has been an actual exchange over some days, but if people start answering in one, or two words, or barely there sentences...

They are telling me they really have no interest in talking. Why should I put in more effort when apathy is all they can muster in their replies?

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

Public Humiliation

I Sometimes I do wonder if public humiliation on a whole might be a worthwhile endeavor to bring back. I think all of us on Lit might be surprised at the actions of a popular member, or the person who only played on the game threads, but no one is without sin.

I imagine every one has done someone wrong at some point.

Also, sometimes chat do just fizzle. I know I try to tell folks that I am not interested if there has been an actual exchange over some days, but if people start answering in one, or two words, or barely there sentences...

They are telling me they really have no interest in talking. Why should I put in more effort when apathy is all they can muster in their replies?

In response to your first point, I understand what you are referring to: punishments like putting people in stocks or making them wear scarlet letters. However, in other ways, public shaming is back. Attacks on line on people for expressing unpopular opinions or failing to support one's point of view are rampant. There was a story in the Times this week about a girl who posted something on Snapchat when she was like 14 years old using the "n" word. The post surfaced 3 years later, when she was a senior in high school. The post was relevant and significant to show that school officials took no action to protect African-American students from racist statements and behavior from the whites in the school. That is all appropriate. But she became the target of a shaming campaign based on something that she had done when she was 14 fucking years old and had to withdraw from the college she had been admitted to attend. It sounded like most of the attacks came from white people wanting to feel holy and "woke" rather than confront their own biases.
This seems to have gotten rather off the point. But I was saying that I strongly feel that public shaming does not contribute much to human understanding or improving behavior.

On your other point, I do get that exchanges can lose their intensity. I still think there is usually a tactful way of telling the person you want to end it. Like saying "I think we've lost our heat," or "This doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I think we should drop it." (This seems better than "You've gotten boring," but even that would be preferable to just ghosting them, I think.)

 

[LikeableMe]

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