Ghosted - what do you think when it happens

[MissMandy86]

Sooner or later ...
The reason i go ghost on guys is
Work is too busy ...

You are boring

Your a pain my ass

Messages at off hours like 4am on tuesday morning.

I didnt answer you .. and now its been 2 weeks so its dead anyway.. might as well leave it dead. I dont wanna explain why i was to busy to answer you

I hate the .. i am worried and just want to know your ok messages Thats the final nail in the coffin with me.

If you want them to stop ghosting you
Say something entertaining.. or try .. can we start over with a a clean slate

 

[NyctoPhile]

I don't think what you are describing is "ghosting". As Wetsider rightly said, there is an important difference between casual friendships/acquaintance that don't go anywhere and being "ghosted." I would also say that even in cases when you have a stronger connection with the person, or so you think. You invest time, effort and you are emotionally invested into that relationship, and that person simply stops talking to you, without saying anything but doesn't "vanish" because you see him/her online. That's not ghosting. That's just ignoring you and sending you the "subtle" but the clear message that they do not want to talk to you anymore.

I'm not saying that it's better and it hurts less. But at least you know that:
a. that person isn't dead, or in a coma
b. they don't want to talk to you anymore, for whatever reason

In this case, you can move on faster because even if you don't have all the answers that you want (why and because) at least you know the most important thing. Which is, they do not want to have any kind of relationship with you.

Very valid points and distinctions.

I’ve definitely invested time into others before, simply, at the end of it all, to not respond. As was stated by another, if this happens (for me) the dynamic changed unfavorably, a boundary was crossed, or I wasn’t being heard. If I invest various aspects of myself into someone I expect to be respected. I will voice my thoughts and feelings, but ultimately I will cease communication. Not ghosting, very true.

I’ve never been truly ghosted, nor have I ghosted another. It’s the antithesis to any decency in my opinion, so it’s hard for me to even fathom people actually (truly) doing it.
Ultimately, I suppose that’s my answer. If I was to be ghosted, past the initial concern, I feel it’s so indecent that for most it would alter my opinion entirely. And again, I’d move on; I’d still wish them the best (I’m not vindictive). But I wouldn’t be investing any more of myself in them (including hurt). I would just. Move on.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

I think it happens to women often too, I have chatted with a few here who have been sad about a ghosting.

I am sure it happens to women a lot. Probably more in real life than to men. But even here, I suspect that there are many men who have a conquest mentality. Once they "score," they are ready to move on. Of course, that does have to be balanced against the law of supply and demand on Lit.

 

[NyctoPhile]

I am sure it happens to women a lot. Probably more in real life than to men. But even here, I suspect that there are many men who have a conquest mentality. Once they "score," they are ready to move on. Of course, that does have to be balanced against the law of supply and demand on Lit.

If the previous distinction was to be made, I don’t know if I’d consider most interactions (or abrupt cessations of) on Lit to be truly ghosting. Most come to cum on here.
To echo another, c’est la vie.
Nous sommes des étrangers.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

I completely understand that life happens and sometimes it’s unavoidable....however if there’s been regular correspondence for months and the other person just decides they’re done and they ghost...I find that inexcusable, rude and cowardly.

I suspect you are responding to an experience of your own, and not to what happened to me. We had only been corresponding for a couple of weeks. It had been quite intense, which may explain why she cut it off abruptly. It was taking perhaps too much time as well as energy.
I know there have been times when I rather abruptly decided to end a long-standing correspondence. I hope I have never done so without saying good-bye. As you say, that is rude and cowardly.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

Oh God, been there so many times. Since I'm kind of weird, I assume I did something to weird them out. But it just doesn't fill the hole that wants to know why, that demands a rational explanation. Unfortunately, you simply don't get that.

Yes.
I have had people tell me that I offended them. While that is sometimes painful and always uncomfortable, I much prefer that to someone disappearing.
And sometimes, it can be a learning experience.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

I always worry about the person. I am sort of ridiculous that way. I actually was relieved when I spotted the last guy who ghosted me, and he didn’t respond to my pm. At least then I could think to myself, “Oh good, he’s ok! He’s just a coward or an asshat. Or both.”

Probably both.

 

[filt]

When it happens, there is a minor element of sadness as if they had to go, for whatever reason, the opportunity to understand and wish them well in their life would be nice.

As others have said, it’s quite a cowardly and heartless act and as a consequence, you move on because you only see their words on the screen and they’re not a total accurate assessment of how they are. For all you know they have mental demons or significant and immediate challenges in their life so you have to try and move on without castigating yourself too much as you probably didn’t do anything wrong.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

Not ridiculous. I'm the same way. I hate when someone ghosts me only because I'm a worrier. That's the only part that really bothers me. When someone ghosts and literally vanishes off the boards.

If someone just doesn't respond to my text or message but I see them being active on a website, meh. That doesn't bother me. I figure it's either one of two things. Either we ran out of things to talk about or something was said or done that bothered them. Either way, it wasn't important enough to them to work it out so why should I attach any importance to it?

That's very mature of you.
In my instance, she has disappeared completely, so I am concerned. I hope I can respond as you have when and if she turns up on here again.

 

[Orchidea73]

I’ve definitely invested time into others before, simply, at the end of it all, to not respond. As was stated by another, if this happens (for me) the dynamic changed unfavorably, a boundary was crossed, or I wasn’t being heard. If I invest various aspects of myself into someone I expect to be respected. I will voice my thoughts and feelings, but ultimately I will cease communication. Not ghosting, very true.

I think that's fair though. You voice your thoughts and feelings and you are done. That means you are setting your boundaries and holding up your standards. That's the mature thing to do, IMO. You are not ghosting or even ignoring the person, without them knowing your motives.

I’ve never been truly ghosted, nor have I ghosted another. It’s the antithesis to any decency in my opinion, so it’s hard for me to even fathom people actually (truly) doing it.
Ultimately, I suppose that’s my answer. If I was to be ghosted, past the initial concern, I feel it’s so indecent that for most it would alter my opinion entirely. And again, I’d move on; I’d still wish them the best (I’m not vindictive). But I wouldn’t be investing any more of myself in them (including hurt). I would just. Move on.

I've been ghosted once. Well, twice actually, but from the same person. As I mentioned in my previous comment, when I had no clue what "ghosting" was. We've been establishing this relationship for like 3 months and we were making plans to meet. He vanished, suddenly. It was like a thunder on a clear sky. It was so surreal. I really did thought, for about 4-5 days, that something really bad had happened to him and that was horrible. Your mind assumes the worse and being physically distant makes it even more excruciating.

He came back after a month and contacted me again. He basically said that he chickened out and apologized. He wanted me to give another chance, which I did. I decided to give him the benefit of doubt. It was a mistake. He did it again after one month. I think that if they do it once, they will do it again. I also think they have done this before with other people. It becomes a pattern for them. So, my suggestion would be to not take them back. Let them be ghosts. It has nothing to do with you, something that you said or did. You know when they say "It's not you, it's me" mantra? Well, take their word for it and leave.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

Why did I think I had to reply to everyone

This is not a pic thread. I don't have to respond to every comment. I was trying, but I can't keep up.

I seem to have hit a bit of a nerve for some people. I'm surprised this got as many responses as it did.

As several people have pointed out (Wetsider for one), there is a difference between ending a conversation after a couple of exchanges and ending one that has gone on for a bit and included multiple messages. Even after just a couple of messages, it would be nice to say, "We don't seem to be interested in the same things" or "I've gotten involved with someone else." (That is mostly an answer a woman sends a man. How often is a man presented with that dilemma?) But it is the latter situation, where you have spent some time, gotten to know each others' interests and something about each others' lives, seem to be having a good time, and *poof.* (I don't think I've used "poof" before this thread.)

There are certainly differences between men and women on this issue. I would be very surprised if a woman who ghosts a man comes back and asks to renew the relationship. Might happen, but its so much easier for women on here to get men interested. For the man who finds himself searching again, its easy to think "Hey, that Jada (or whoever) was hot and seemed into me. Maybe I can get her back."

And it seems very likely that when you are at the point of moving to another level, like meeting in person, that this is when someone will chicken out. But again, how hard is it to send a message saying, "I'm sorry. I thought I was ready to meet, but I forgot to tell you that I'm married and have five kids." Or whatever. Yeah, she's going to be pissed, but you don't have to continue to exchange messages.

But that's not my situation. We were just sharing and playing on line. Very gradual steps. No dramatic cliffs.

Oh well, I'm sure there are more comments I should say something about.

 

[ydahecnot]

In the time of corona, ghosting here is especially not cool.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

Come to cum

If the previous distinction was to be made, I don’t know if I’d consider most interactions (or abrupt cessations of) on Lit to be truly ghosting. Most come to cum on here.
To echo another, c’est la vie.
Nous sommes des étranges.

In my experience, for a man to attract a woman, it takes some time to mutually explore fantasies and interests. To be successful on line with a woman, I find I need to understand her fantasies and figure out how to appeal to them. I also find that, for me, an encounter is more satisfying if we have spend some time building up some excitement over time. There are certainly lots of men here who just think that they can attract a woman by just announcing their availability and perhaps displaying an erect penis. I see many complaints from women about such men, and I read complaints from such men that they think women on a site like this should just be ready to jump directly into some sort of sexual encounter.

So, how different is this from going to a bar to meet members of the sex you find appealing. ("The opposite sex," for me.) (I mean in non-Covid times). Yes, people are there looking to get laid. But they also are looking to make some sort of connection, first.

Also, do you mean "des etranges" ou "les etrangers?"

 

[Shi_One81]

I’ve never been ghosted on Lit, but I’ve been ghosted a few times “in real life.”

I’m not everyone’s cup of tea because if I think it I don’t sugar coat it.

 

[shmily]

I come and go here. If i have been having conversations with someone here on lit that i would like to continue off lit, i offer my email and leave it up to them to reach out. Some do, some dont.
I don't mean to ghost.

 

[Wetsider]

My experience was both painful and educational. I won't got into long details, because really, who fucking cares. Clif Notes (if you're old enough to remember) is that I connected hard with someone. Not a few flirts or a couple of messages over a couple of weeks, but months of really pouring my heart and soul out. Then one day, *poof* gone.

Fast forward a few months, and she came around again... All the old stuff was brought up again, and it's like everything old was new again until one day... *Poof* again.

I won't bore anyone with the details, but to be perfectly honest, ghosting sucks balls and not in a good way. What I would offer is that one shouldn't take it personally, and one should accept it as quickly as possible in this medium.

If you can't hang, then for your own sanity, don't play. I learned my lesson, and I won't make that mistake again. I know I've got my issues, but chances are so does whomever you are connecting with. There are too many unknowns and too many opportunities to play pretend.

You can't get burned if you don't play, says the burned man.

 

[ILikeItLikeThat0719]

I was on here under a different name years and years ago and was ghosted by two people. At the time, I was hurt and confused because we had been talking for months, even on the phone. But to be honest, I had probably done the same thing to other people so I eventually chalked it up to karma. And also that they probably weren't interested anymore or they have lives or they got caught or whatever.

I didn't like it one bit when it happened to me so I decided that I would never ghost another person. If I was going to stop chatting with them, for whatever reason, I would do everything in my power to let them know. And I have.

 

[tnman03]

Here’s the thing. You don’t have to like it when people, for whatever their reason, stop talking but there’s absolutely nothing at all that you can do about it. The level of obsession of some in openly complaining about this in an adult forum is awkward. People don’t have to reply to you here. Some may even be thrown off by seeing this. Many are only here to escape their reality and are living a fantasy. If you can’t cope with people disappearing on here then in truth you don’t have to remain here. Please don’t allow this place to affect your mental health. And keep that mental health comment in mind because sometimes people leave here just for that reason, it’s a screwball environment so don’t make too much of it.

And, Merry Christmas Damnit. Smile. Don’t stress over the small stuff.

 

[ILikeItLikeThat0719]

Here’s the thing. You don’t have to like it when people, for whatever their reason, stop talking but there’s absolutely nothing at all that you can do about it. The level of obsession of some in openly complaining about this in an adult forum is awkward. People don’t have to reply to you here. Some may even be thrown off by seeing this. Many are only here to escape their reality and are living a fantasy. If you can’t cope with people disappearing on here then in truth you don’t have to remain here. Please don’t allow this place to affect your mental health. And keep that mental health comment in mind because sometimes people leave here just for that reason, it’s a screwball environment so don’t make too much of it.

And, Merry Christmas Damnit. Smile. Don’t stress over the small stuff.

I absolutely agree! Sometimes people just move on or don't want to talk to you anymore. Whether it's on here or another forum--shit happens. I just try to tell people when I'm moving on. Unless I'm moving on because they're creepy/assholish/stupid/ignorant, then I'm just out.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

I was on here under a different name years and years ago and was ghosted by two people. At the time, I was hurt and confused because we had been talking for months, even on the phone. But to be honest, I had probably done the same thing to other people so I eventually chalked it up to karma. And also that they probably weren't interested anymore or they have lives or they got caught or whatever.

I didn't like it one bit when it happened to me so I decided that I would never ghost another person. If I was going to stop chatting with them, for whatever reason, I would do everything in my power to let them know. And I have.

Good for you.
I might even say
"I like it like that."

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

Here’s the thing. You don’t have to like it when people, for whatever their reason, stop talking but there’s absolutely nothing at all that you can do about it. The level of obsession of some in openly complaining about this in an adult forum is awkward. People don’t have to reply to you here. Some may even be thrown off by seeing this. Many are only here to escape their reality and are living a fantasy. If you can’t cope with people disappearing on here then in truth you don’t have to remain here. Please don’t allow this place to affect your mental health. And keep that mental health comment in mind because sometimes people leave here just for that reason, it’s a screwball environment so don’t make too much of it.

And, Merry Christmas Damnit. Smile. Don’t stress over the small stuff.

I hope I didn't come across as if I was obsessing about it. Yes, I realize the the whole idea of this forum is to live out a fantasy. But to do it well requires some effort and mutual engagement. That creates a kind of a relationship. I know that there is nothing I can do about it. I did not intend for my post to create the impression that I am having trouble coping with the "loss." But you do worry when you have the feeling there was a connection.

 

[AnnyMouse28]

I just figure they weren't into me. I've stopped an online PM convo because I wasn't feeling it.

It hurt WAY MORE when it happens in real life.

 

[girlygirl321]

I’ve had it happen, as recently as a few months ago. It can hurt, especially if you have been chatting for months and you put effort into someone else. Yes, life happens, mental state happens, and/or whatnot happens. Sometimes you question what is wrong with you, when literally you see them days later placing ads looking for someone new to chat with. But the reality is that they, most likely, have a problem and it is not your’s to deal with it. It’s hard to want to be truly open and honest about things on here and other sites as people just disappear without notice. It can hurt, but over time you just kind of become jaded to it all.

 

[tnman03]

I’ve had it happen, as recently as a few months ago. It can hurt, especially if you have been chatting for months and you put effort into someone else. Yes, life happens, mental state happens, and/or whatnot happens. Sometimes you question what is wrong with you, when literally you see them days later placing ads looking for someone new to chat with. But the reality is that they, most likely, have a problem and it is not your’s to deal with it. It’s hard to want to be truly open and honest about things on here and other sites as people just disappear without notice. It can hurt, but over time you just kind of become jaded to it all.

This is well written and sums things up nicely. I particularly like the above-underlined portion. It really isn't our problem to take on if someone chooses not to talk. And trying to make it into a personal problem is unhealthy so just let go and move on.

 

[Nyquietman]

Haven't really been successful get an online convo going. Probably me. I hesitate at times or misunderstand the next step. Have received some greAt pics early on and haven't sent because I don't have any yet. I'm available if anyone wants to try.