Ghosted - what do you think when it happens

[MrMikelobe1952]

It happens to most of us who play on line. We get started on a bit of a relationship. We chat and share. Both of us seem to be having a good time. And then, suddenly, she disappears. What is your reaction?

I used to feel rejected. Question if I was boring.
Now I find myself worrying about her. Did something terrible happen to her in real life? Did she get caught playing around with me?

Even though I know that the most likely explanation is simply that she got busy with real life and decided not to spend the time. I know I've been there many times. I would like to think I have always let her know, instead of just disappearing. But I suspect there have been times when I ghosted, too.

 

[Lonelywife1205]

I assume it’s something going on with them. I try not to take it personally, but it’s hard not to question if there was something about me though. 9 times out of 10 they come back around at some point and want another chance.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

I assume it’s something going on with them. I try not to take it personally, but it’s hard not to question if there was something about me though. 9 times out of 10 they come back around at some point and want another chance.

Thank you for responding. I was not sure whether anyone would. Not sure it really fits on this forum, but it is my favorite one.

Anyway, it sounds like you get it. In this case it was really disappointing because it seemed clear we were both having a lot of fun with it.

 

[VisualExplorer]

I have many of those same feelings as you do, Mike.
Sometimes people click, sometimes they don't but it certainly can be disappointing when it's not mutual and they disappear.
The ratio of men to women here is pretty lopsided, so no doubt women get inundated with guys trying to connect.
Accurate or not, I typically assume they found someone more to their taste or looking for a different kind of relationship. Friendships come first for me which may create a mismatch on an erotic site.
Thanks for posting this.

 

[MrMikelobe1952]

I have many of those same feelings as you do, Mike.
Sometimes people click, sometimes they don't but it certainly can be disappointing when it's not mutual and they disappear.
The ratio of men to women here is pretty lopsided, so no doubt women get inundated with guys trying to connect.
Accurate or not, I typically assume they found someone more to their taste or looking for a different kind of relationship. Friendships come first for me which may create a mismatch on an erotic site.
Thanks for posting this.

That is a slightly different issue. I've had that experience, too. We exchange a few PMs, and then I stop hearing from her. But I'm talking about instances in which we really did seem to click, we were communicating pretty regularly, we had shared a good bit of information about our experiences and interests
and then
*poof*

 

[TheOriginalSA]

I usually think the ladies got caught up on some dick or going through something serious in their life

 

[sallycee]

I think it happens to women often too, I have chatted with a few here who have been sad about a ghosting.

 

[HeavyBalls]

I think it happens to women often too, I have chatted with a few here who have been sad about a ghosting.

It sucks indeed.

 

[Chillygirl]

I completely understand that life happens and sometimes it’s unavoidable....however if there’s been regular correspondence for months and the other person just decides they’re done and they ghost...I find that inexcusable, rude and cowardly.

 

[HeavyBalls]

I completely understand that life happens and sometimes it’s unavoidable....however if there’s been regular correspondence for months and the other person just decides they’re done and they ghost...I find that inexcusable, rude and cowardly.

Agreed, it takes no effort to say you are leaving.

 

[Dribble]

Don't let the actions of others define or change who you are.

 

[Acktion]

What do I think? I don't anymore.

I have it on pretty good authority that I'm anything but boring, no matter how hard I've tried to be. And if something did happen a thousand miles away that they didn't tell me about then I could hardly help, then, could I? And, yeah, while I'm willing to sling some clothes in a backpack, halter Dogzilla, gather up my cane, and limp out to walk those thousand miles if I was needed, I wasn't gonna if I did't know I wasneeded.

Perhaps I'm just too simplistic, but I figure there are two kinds of people; those you can count on and those you just can't.

In all fairness, I lost someone very important to me who considered I'd ghosted her. I hadn't. I'd had technical difficulties that I could do little about except fight tooth and talon with the people who could do something to get off their asses and get it done. And when I finally made it back in touch, my heart and head were full of the battle to get back to her... only to find she'd moved on to someone else in my enforced absence. I don't blame her. Now, at least. All she had to work from was the informational vacuum left behind after a brief message got through that I was having technical difficulties and had to walk ten miles to a library to access an email to get that one out. She had no idea that she was so important to me. No idea that the entire time, all that kept me moving and striving was to come together with her once again... It had been six weeks. Long enough that the moon had a chance to wax and wane and wax again. Long enough to feel a distinct change in the seasons. I'd been gone from her screen long enough, I suppose.

By the same token, I had someone very dear to me disappear for what was supposed to be two weeks that turned into two months before a flash news bulletin reached me that she'd changed her mind and had only returned long enough to pack her shit. I held on for another ten months before I just cut the strings and left her to do whatever. There is absolutely no purpose in my maintaining someone as a priority that I was nothing but some erstwhile entertainment during moments of boredom for.

Another one still to this day accuses me of ghosting her. Uh, no. The last message I sent that she was "an egocentric little attention whore who used anyone and everything for what you could get out of it, including your parents whom you literally stole money from, driving them to lose their house and divorce, including your child who thank fuck has finally been awarded sole custody to his father and out of your evil reach, and you and I have absolutely nothing more to say to each other ever " should have been a pretty clear indication that I was done talking to her. And yet, still, all this time later, I am playing whack-a-mole with new usernames popping up for, apparently, the express purpose of asking me if we can still be friends. No-o-o, we really can't. The face and body of a sex goddess no longer mask the parasitic avarice of your toxic ugly soul. AS I told you in the last message I actually replied.

I don't know. I really don't know much of anything about these new-fangled infernal-nets. But, oftentimes it just seems to me that people use them the same way we used to use the television or radio, switching channels to find something to entertain us and then switching channels again when it didn't meet some esoteric subjective aesthetic. And perhaps forgetting that there is a living, breathing, feeling person on the other end.

Or maybe not, since I've known people in the off-line world that move through a world of people-shaped cardboard cutouts that either serve a purpose or get in their way...

As far as I'm concerned anyone that ghosts me just saved me a bunch of time trying to figure out if they were anything worth holding onto. And anyone that considers I ghosted them just never really even knew me at all. If I didn't tell you to fuck off, then I had no intention that our last communication would be our last communication.

If ya love something set it free. If it comes back of its own accord, it's yours. If it doesn't, you're better off without it weighing you down and keeping you from finding something much better on another channel. If it does after you told it to fuck off and then keep right on fucking off over the horizon... then, I suppose that's what "ignore" is for.

 

[lovetopleasewomen]

C'est la vie

 

[VoraciousValue]

Oh God, been there so many times. Since I'm kind of weird, I assume I did something to weird them out. But it just doesn't fill the hole that wants to know why, that demands a rational explanation. Unfortunately, you simply don't get that.

 

[ohsherrie]

I always worry about the person. I am sort of ridiculous that way. I actually was relieved when I spotted the last guy who ghosted me, and he didn’t respond to my pm. At least then I could think to myself, “Oh good, he’s ok! He’s just a coward or an asshat. Or both.”

 

[Karabare]

I completely understand that life happens and sometimes it’s unavoidable....however if there’s been regular correspondence for months and the other person just decides they’re done and they ghost...I find that inexcusable, rude and cowardly.

Thank you, I agree. It also leaves me a little bruised, maybe it's my ego. But what doesn't kill us...

 

[Lord Pmann]

Boil Their Bunny

 

[blulilacgrl]

I always worry about the person. I am sort of ridiculous that way. I actually was relieved when I spotted the last guy who ghosted me, and he didn’t respond to my pm. At least then I could think to myself, “Oh good, he’s ok! He’s just a coward or an asshat. Or both.”

Not ridiculous. I'm the same way. I hate when someone ghosts me only because I'm a worrier. That's the only part that really bothers me. When someone ghosts and literally vanishes off the boards.

If someone just doesn't respond to my text or message but I see them being active on a website, meh. That doesn't bother me. I figure it's either one of two things. Either we ran out of things to talk about or something was said or done that bothered them. Either way, it wasn't important enough to them to work it out so why should I attach any importance to it?

 

[Orchidea73]

What do I think when it happens? First time I was confused as I didn't know wtf happened.
Didn't even know there was such thing as ghosting. lol

I think nothing of it now. I sometimes am amused and shrug. Move on.
Chillygirl is right. It is rude and cowardly. But after the first and second time (sometimes twice from the same person) you just have to shrug it off and not let it bother you more than it should. It's just toxic and so not worth it. Especially if it's with someone online, which has been my experience. Never happened with someone I've met in person.

You just can't control how the other person behaves. All you can do is how you react to whatever happens. And honestly, I simply refuse to give to a stranger, no matter how much I might like him, that much power over me. Not going to happen. Plenty of fish in the sea, if that's what this is.

 

[NyctoPhile]

I have simply not replied to some.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’ve ghosted, but if I don’t reply it’s usually because I’ve not been given much to discuss, or a proposition does not interest me, so I move on.

On the reverse, I just assume the same. There’s always a moment of fearing the worst because I genuinely care for the wellbeing of others. However, I’m a realist. The most probable reason is that I’ve failed to provide them with the response they’re looking for, I’m just not the flavor of interesting that sparks their intrigue, or life got in the way. And that’s okay. I hope they find what they’re looking for and I don’t think or feel much on it past that.

 

[Wetsider]

I think it's important to differentiate between casual friendships that don't go anywhere and truly being "ghosted."

In my sporadic time here, I've had a few people that I've corresponded with for a bit, and it didn't last. It's usually been a quick note, or just a gradual withdrawal. Nothing wrong with that. It happens here or in real life.

That being said... When you invest time and effort into a relationship and it just *poof* vanishes... Well... It's happened to me. It still stings, and leaves all the questions open and unanswered.

I think that's the single worst thing about this platform or "the internet" writ large. You can do these things to other people, and there are no consequences. I know I've come to the conclusion that this type of platform isn't a good fit for me solely because it allows the anonymity to do this without repercussion.

It's funny though. I'm not wired to work within this framework, but yet... Here I am. I won't make the mistake of expecting anything again. I guess that's what I've gleaned from it. It's all smoke and mirrors. Very few things are what they seem.

Focus on the tangible things. This is an alternate reality, and isn't remotely like what you want it to be.

 

[HotChef1970]

I honestly think I would be pretty cut up if it ever happened to me. As has been said before it’s cowardly and if you’ve got yourself into anything that constitutes more than just being casual friends with someone then you’ve probably invested considerable time, efforts and even emotions into building a relationship then a proper conversation and explanation is the least that anyone can do even out of common decency.

I could never ghost anyone because I am frankly too honest, have a conscience, and know how I would feel if it happened to me, sure most of what happens between people who meet on lit is virtual but there is still a real person on the other end who will have feelings of some sort, my opinion is that you should treat everyone with the same kind respect as you would do in your physical life...... kindness and thoughts of the other person costs nothing and if you’re worried about the backlash then man up and deal with that.

I’m sure it will be much worse if you think it’s ok to come back in a couple of months and expect things to have any kind of trust or that people won’t have spoken about you to other people...... reputations are hard to lose.

 

[Jada59]

Really depends on the person or circumstances. I've had guys from here want to chat on Skype or some such thing. I add them, they say, "Hi"or some such, then they ghost. Or I give them my phone number, they never call, then they ghost.

Sometimes I figure they've moved on.

My last two BFs? Both fell into a similar pattern, but not quite.

Haven't seen H. for over two months. Since had changed his pics on the FB dating app, I assumed he was on the prowl. He did have some problems in the sex dept. the last two times we were together. So there's that. He said I could be with other men. Then got mad when I was. Then wanted to hear about the other man. But...

He will not contact me for weeks, then I get the "Wyd?" message. So I guess it's not quite ghosting, because he does contact me. But right now there is no word of missing me, wanting to see me, etc.

Then there's J. Dropped out for three whole months. Got the, "Hi sweetie. I'm so sorry. You're probably mad at me..."

I saw him three weeks ago. Twice he said he was coming over. Twice he did not. He too changed his pics on the dating app and said he might be moving to CA. I said it was all good, provided he at least send me a quick message once in a while. And he did. Until he didn't.

So that's not quite ghosting either but...

I'm fed up with those two. If they do contact me again, I'll tell them I'm moved on. I don't need that crap. Whatever is going on with them, it's them. Not me.

Sometimes the person has sort of dropped hints that they're pulling away. They might give a reason, but it's likely not the real reason. Maybe they think that's kinder to me than the truth. Hmmm...

I like the truth. I never get mad at someone for telling me the truth, even if it's not something I want to hear.

I also believe that love is unconditional. If I love someone, I want what is in their best and highest interest. Even if hat means them being with someone other than me. I want them to be happy.

Have I ghosted? Yes. Why? The person refused to listen or hear what I had to say. Such as... I'm sorry, we have nothing in common. Or... I don't do that or I'm not into that. Find someone else. Or.. I have a RL BF now and I only do things like that with him. I can't sext with you, have phone sex, whatever, any more. I always try to be straight up. But if they continue to message me after that, trying to convince me to do whatever, then I'll ghost. It's not like I just vanish. I'm always straight with them so they should know why I did it. Sucks to have to do it, but sometimes necessary.

 

[Jada59]

That is a slightly different issue. I've had that experience, too. We exchange a few PMs, and then I stop hearing from her. But I'm talking about instances in which we really did seem to click, we were communicating pretty regularly, we had shared a good bit of information about our experiences and interests
and then
*poof*

I get that a lot but... The other weird thing is that most of them will come back, months or even years later and sometimes they just pick up where we left off. I can't explain it.

 

[Orchidea73]

I have simply not replied to some.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’ve ghosted, but if I don’t reply it’s usually because I’ve not been given much to discuss, or a proposition does not interest me, so I move on.

On the reverse, I just assume the same. There’s always a moment of fearing the worst because I genuinely care for the wellbeing of others. However, I’m a realist. The most probable reason is that I’ve failed to provide them with the response they’re looking for, I’m just not the flavor of interesting that sparks their intrigue, or life got in the way. And that’s okay. I hope they find what they’re looking for and I don’t think or feel much on it past that.

I don't think what you are describing is "ghosting". As Wetsider rightly said, there is an important difference between casual friendships/acquaintance that don't go anywhere and being "ghosted." I would also say that even in cases when you have a stronger connection with the person, or so you think. You invest time, effort and you are emotionally invested into that relationship, and that person simply stops talking to you, without saying anything but doesn't "vanish" because you see him/her online. That's not ghosting. That's just ignoring you and sending you the "subtle" but the clear message that they do not want to talk to you anymore.

I'm not saying that it's better and it hurts less. But at least you know that:
a. that person isn't dead, or in a coma
b. they don't want to talk to you anymore, for whatever reason

In this case, you can move on faster because even if you don't have all the answers that you want (why and because) at least you know the most important thing. Which is, they do not want to have any kind of relationship with you.