Get CD Husband to CD for me?

[Sassy786]

First time posting here but I have spent the entire day reading. I am so confused about things. I don't want to get all sappy but I want to start by saying that I really love my husband he. NOW I will give you a lil back ground so that you can see where all this is coming from and maybe just maybe someone out there could please help me! I am so stuck on this.
I met my husband 4 years ago and I just found out about 3 months ago that he crossdresses, not just panties but completely. I found his stock pile in the attic and I sat him down for a talk. He lied and tried to get out of it and about 5 days later told me it is his stuff and bla bla bla. ... Then for about a month we didnt talk about it at all. We really havent talk about it much ever. Anyway I am a very annoying obssessive person and I like to know everything and this really bothered me because he has lied to me soooo much about this and though I can understand it still hurts me.

Anyway We have sent each other emails talking about the issue a little bit and I have tried to get him to dress for me, I have tried a few different approaches and nothing has work. At first when I found his clothes I put them all in a gym bag in my closet so that he can have access to them and since then he moved them back into the attic and told me he was going to throw them out.
But I told him that would be a bad idea because its so expensive for him to replace everything and that I didnt want him to think I was asking him to get rid of his things or wanting him to. So now he has moved them into the garage into a huge suitcase and he put a lock on the suitcase.

The last talk we had about this he said that he wanted to make a video diary for me so that I can see his other side. But that when he looked at himself he realized that he wasn't happy and didnt want to dress any more. I told him that I loved him and that I would give him a make over if he wanted that we could go in stages so that it wasnt too much at once. He said he would think about it.
I can admit I am jealous. I am jealous that he has something that I am 100% not involved in, something he has kept a secret. I hate it, I want to share everything with him and I feel completely left out.
I have tried to tell him that I would think its hot for him to fuck me in panties, I said that I had fantisies about it and I have tried the sex angle but he won't bite. I dont know what to do.

I am very into sex with my husband I love it any which way and I do think its hot that he would get dressed but I am having a hard time with him not wanting to share this experience with me. Since finding out our sex life has been sooooo much better between us because I am not afraid to be myself even if its a little embarressing. He keeps telling me "its not about sex" and I dont believe him!!! All the panties I foundhas cum streaks in them so I know he is hard!
I am trying so fucken hard not to be down about it because obviously this is so hard on him and I am being a selfish impatient bitch but I dont know what to do.
Any one have any ideas for me ?

 

[M's girl]

Wow.

I have no experience with this whatsoever so I'm not sure if I can give you solid advice here. First thing I want to say is that I think it's really brave you are telling us all this. Also, it's something that a lot of people would not be as understanding about as you seem to be. That includes me....

It is, obviously, something your husband is very ashamed of. There can be several reasons for that.

One could be that he has a very hard time accepting this himself, but he can't help wanting it all the time, hence the collection, hence the secrets.

Another thing is that he feels very ashamed about not telling you and had a hard time believing that you actually are encouraging him. Maybe he feels there's a catch. Like I said: there are not many people who will accept something like this so easily.​

I guess this will take some more time and patience and understanding on your part. I can understand your frustration. And I surely applaud your honesty and ability to adapt to this new and - let's face it - somewhat awkward situation. He is a lucky man...

 

[emap]

NOt much I can say about this either, though perhaps you should try finding porn about crossdressing men with women I know there is at least one video about 'Lesbian Shemales' Actual name of the video not kidding, gave us both a big laugh. I am sure there is a picture gallery at least, considering what else is to be found on the internet.

Anyway, I suggest this because there really is no better way to make someone think you mean what you say than showing them. If he catches you playing with yourself looking at pictures or watching videos of a crossdressing guy and a woman in bed he should open up about this more.

Barring that there are stories about crossdressing men and their wives, play with yourself to those and let him watch and read. Though be vocal and make it at least seem like your just going to check your email and couldn't help yourself.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I don't know anything about this, either, but I'm guessing he's been embarrassed abut this his whole life, and maybe has wished he could stop...it's going to take some time for him to relax into a different way of thinking.

Maybe he's also worried how you might react when actually seeing him dressed that way...what if you unexpectedly lose respect for him/lose desire for him/fill in the blank? I'm sure it was shocking to him to be 'discovered' and he's probably still reeling from that. And I'm equally sure it's hard for him to talk about it, maybe especially with you...so many fears.

I'm thinking this is something that will take a lot of time and patience...and if that's not your forte, maybe you could find a support forum online? There are other ladies in your situation out there - they might be able to help you understand what your husband is going through in his head right now, since he's not ready to talk about it.

Good luck!

 

[SillyBits]

*hug* I'm sooo glad you're handling this so wonderfully. Many people in your place might not be so understanding and supportive. You're right to feel hurt, and he's a very lucky guy to have someone who wants to share so much.

I'm a CD myself (only in private), and I've had a terrible time first accepting that (my life would be much easier if I wasn't this way, but cutting it out of my life has never, ever worked), and then sharing it with anyone else. The others who posted here have nailed some of the things that might be going through his mind: fear that he'll lose you because of this, fear and shame about this part of who he is, fear that you will think less of him for this (not only as a person, but as a man), fear that you'll reject this side of him after sharing it, fear that you'll think he's gay, any number of other things. I've been through all of those and more at some point, and it makes it very hard to open up to a new woman right now.

It sounds like he's very self conscious about how he looks-he may be scared to death that you might laugh when you see him the first time. With something this personal, especially something most of society not only misunderstands but actively discriminates against, fear can take hold of a person and what you, the woman he loves, say isn't foremost in his mind-its the fear of what you *might* do. Its not rational, but it is what might be driving his reactions right now.

The best advice I can give you is to be patient, and talk about this in a non-sexual setting with him. There are some informational sites about crossdressing online-some of it is good, some of it I'm not so happy with.

Good luck, and be patient-this can be a wonderful thing for the both of you.

 

[SweetErika]

Hi Sassy,

First off, like M's girl said, you're very brave and should be proud of yourself for being honest and asking for suggestions! I want you to know I'm not judging or chastising you for your feelings or actions, and can't say I'd feel much different than you. I am going to give you some honest observations and ideas that may be difficult to hear with the hope of helping a little, so I hope you'll keep that in mind while reading this novel-length post!

I found his stock pile in the attic and I sat him down for a talk. He lied and tried to get out of it and about 5 days later told me it is his stuff and bla bla bla. ... Then for about a month we didnt talk about it at all.

We really havent talk about it much ever.

Anyway I am a very annoying obssessive person and I like to know everything and this really bothered me because he has lied to me soooo much about this and though I can understand it still hurts me.

Anyway We have sent each other emails talking about the issue a little bit and I have tried to get him to dress for me, I have tried a few different approaches and nothing has work.

At first when I found his clothes I put them all in a gym bag in my closet so that he can have access to them and since then he moved them back into the attic and told me he was going to throw them out.

So now he has moved them into the garage into a huge suitcase and he put a lock on the suitcase.

He said he would think about it.

I can admit I am jealous. I am jealous that he has something that I am 100% not involved in, something he has kept a secret. I hate it, I want to share everything with him and I feel completely left out.

I have tried to tell him that I would think its hot for him to fuck me in panties, I said that I had fantisies about it and I have tried the sex angle but he won't bite.

I am very into sex with my husband I love it any which way and I do think its hot that he would get dressed but I am having a hard time with him not wanting to share this experience with me.

He keeps telling me "its not about sex" and I dont believe him!!! All the panties I foundhas cum streaks in them so I know he is hard!

I am trying so fucken hard not to be down about it because obviously this is so hard on him and I am being a selfish impatient bitch but I dont know what to do.
Any one have any ideas for me ?

The above really jumped out at me, Sassy. The bold parts are his actions, and the underlined are yours, BTW. Take a moment to look at what each say, not to see a "good guy" and "bad guy," but to see if there are any messages popping out.

I'm usually the first to beat the communication drum, but in this case I think it'd likely be best for you to leave the situation alone for awhile.

I understand you want to be involved, but it seems he's sent pretty clear signals (the lock on the suitcase, not talking or trying on panties for you, etc.) that he's not ready and/or doesn't want to include you at this time. That may, and probably will, change in the future, but you need to respect his wishes for the time being.

I bet he has a tornado of emotions swirling around inside of him right now -- fear, embarrassment, possibly anger, confusion, self-loathing, and more wouldn't surprise me. Can you imagine how you'd feel if you were in his shoes? Pretty horrible, right? He probably hasn't completely sorted his own feelings and thoughts out (on being found out or even CDing) yet, and will need time to do that before dealing with the negative feelings that will inevitably come from dealing with it with you. Not that you'll make it negative, but I'm sure it'll be at least a little stressful and frightening for him to talk to you.

Sharing with our spouses is great, but we all need private time and interests as well. I'm sure you have hobbies and activities you do on your own, and probably even wouldn't enjoy so much if your hubby was right there all the time. I know I do! Shopping, doing girly stuff... I've even talked to my husband about how masturbation and being with women are important for me to do alone much of the time. Having him with me is wonderful in its own right, but I really love reading stories and slipping into fantasies by myself; it's "me time" and is very special and fulfilling to me. Similarly, I'm happy to include him in sex with a girlfriend sometimes, but if he was there every time, I'd really miss some of the aspects of FF intimacy I enjoy most.

I'm guessing there's at least a small part of CDing that your hubby considers private and sacred, just like my activities. Perhaps it feels naughty, like something that should be kept a secret and must be done in private, and he's come to really enjoy the private time and thrill he gets from it. For as long as he's been thinking about and doing this, it's been a forbidden, solo activity, and now his wife has not only exposed him, but is also trying to take his special time away by participating in it! I'd certainly be upset if my husband insisted on participating in my masturbation sessions or time with women, and I'm guessing ON SOME LEVEL yours feels like you're barging in and trying to steal this from him (even though that's not your intention at all, I'm sure).

So maybe the above ties in with his assertion that "it's not about sex." To go back to my life, the masturbation and FF sex really AREN'T about sex for me. I know that sounds crazy, but they're really just special, satisfying activities that I enjoy doing alone and keeping somewhat private. It's more of a coincidence that they involve sex. I believe your hubby's CD isn't "about sex." It sounds like it's stimulating sexually, but I'd bet it's more about satisfying desires and some part of his sexuality, taking time for himself, indulging, getting a thrill, etc. Many of those things are found in everything we enjoy doing, right? I think by saying it's about sex, perhaps he feels like you're simplifying it, not recognizing how important it is to him, maybe even putting something he holds dear down. I know that's not your intention at all, but often our intentions and interpretations don't come anywhere close to meeting.

The bottom line is I think if you ever want to have a chance of sharing any part of CDing with him, you absolutely have to let it go until he invites you to participate. It's going to be difficult for you, I know, but love is doing the higher good for your partner. That translates to putting his need for privacy above your desire to be a part of this portion of his life, and putting his happiness above your jealousy. There's really no reason to be jealous, is there? You're having great sex, better sex even, and it's not like he's going to leave you for the clothes!

So, in this situation I would say something like, "Honey, I've been thinking a lot and want to reinforce that I love and accept you unconditionally. You're the most wonderful, sexiest man on Earth, which is why I want to share things with you. However, I realize I may have overstepped my bounds, been selfish, said and done things that made you feel very uncomfortable. I'm really sorry if that's been the case; I just didn't understand. I would love to learn and communicate as much as you're comfortable with when you're ready. I would appreciate you letting me know when that happens, and I will do my very best to give you as much time and space as you need from now on. Please let me know if there's anything I need to stop, work on, and can do to support you in ANY activity/interest."

But that's just what I'd try to say and do. You have to do what's right for the situation and relationship. I get the impression you have an idea of what will probably work, but that's different from some of your feelings. Do some soul searching, think about what you would want him to do for you, and go with your thoughts on this one, Sweetie. Acknowledge, but don't be persuaded by the voices of jealousy, anger and selfishness -- the temporary satisfaction from that won't offset the pain it will cause both of you. Love him, and you'll be fine.

 

[Sassy786]

Sweet Erika,
Thank you so much for your post. You are completely correct with everything you have said. Thank you for taking the time to write me back. I know the best thing is for me to let him have space to enjoy himself alone with out me over his shoulder. I have to get over it in a sense. That is also the reason why we haven't talked much about it because I didn't want him to feel "confronted". When he first denied it he said " This stuff isn't mine, I don't want you to think I am a freak" and I said " No I don't think you are a freak I love you and I would never say you were a freak, I just want the truth"... He wouldn't say the words and he kept telling me stories... He told me that he drove shemale escorts around to jobs so that he can make extra money! I said If you think I am going to believe that you are crazy! He tried everything under the sun to not admit it, so he throw everything out. I took everything out of the trash and put it in a big gym back and put it in my closet and wrote him a letter and said that I knew as well as he knew all these clothes were his and that I didn't want him to trash them because of me and that he wouldn't have to say the words that they were his but that I would keep them for him and when ever he needed private time he could go get them... I didn't want him to have to go buy more he obviously had the things he liked and needed why throw them out.
Well anyway over time he would mention things to me and I would try get him to share with me... I have obviously pushed it too far. Thats why recently I have just stopped asking or suggesting. He was the one last week to tell me "Today was the day I was going to show you my other side" He then said "But it didn't work out and I just don't feel like this is me any more and I don't need to do this any more"..." I love you and I don't need this I need you"
I told him how much I loved him and that its wasn't a choice between me or the clothes, that I would never ask him to stop and that I didn't want him to be preasured to show me"
I told him not to throw his things out and that I am sorry the day didn't work out for him but if I could help with something I would. I told him that I would show him how to do make up or anything else I could help with if he needed... I said that I could show him without him having to get dressed I mean you dont have to put on a dress to show someone how to use eye liner, right?!
Then over the weekend he moved his suitcase and I saw a lock on it. And its pretty clear huh?
I guess I just need to talk about it and I can't really talk to him because its making this worse for both of us. I have to grow up and move past this. He is a complicated person and always has been, I have to learn to make this work for us.
Your post really helped me see that and understand things better. Thank you

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Well I think SweetErika has pretty much voiced all my thoughts on this one.

Give him time to get his head round your acceptance of this and eventually he will want to share, it's too important and special to him not to. Now that things are in the open all it really needs is for the dust to settle - however long that is for him.

Take your cues from him and allow him to keep total control of this, he's guarded it jealously for so long it'll be instinctive in him for quite a while.

All the best and meantime have a great big HUG <--(",)-->

Velvet

 

[Exciteher]

......He was the one last week to tell me "Today was the day I was going to show you my other side" He then said "But it didn't work out and I just don't feel like this is me any more and I don't need to do this any more".......

.... I guess I just need to talk about it...

Translation: "I really want to talk about this side of me with you, but eveh though I know you accept me, it scares me. Then, when I think about this part of myself and you (who should be my sole passion) both at the same time, it makes me feel wrong and what I am doing is wrong."

Sassy786, it is his own self-judgements and his ideas about the "shoulds and musts" of relationships that are blocking him. Its not you.

I think both SweetErica and VelvedDarkness really provided key insights, only a couple of things I can add.

One thing is, that it sure looks like it is on his mind to open up a bit more about this with you, even if he cannot bring himself to right now.

Sassy786, another impression I get is that for you right now, being able to talk with him about this is perhaps even more important to you than if he actually "does" anything with you with his CD'ing.

Seems to me that you have done as much as you can for now, you broke down his denial the only way you could, you have let him know you accept him, and are willing to "step into his world". Now, as VelvetDarkness said, take your cues from him.

My suggestion is that now when he brings things up, as he tells you his storys, just listen. Even if you have questions or think there is more to his story than he is telling you, or that his story is not the entire truth... just listen and very gently let him know you are listening (be very present with him) and perhaps encourage him to say even more...something as short and simple as "I'm listening baby, go on.." or permissibly coaxing like "I'm sorry your showing me did not work out, I would have loved it if you did, can you talk a bit about why it did not work?... Its OK baby, I understand if your not ready to...."

Forget about the CD for the moment, just insure that TALKING ABOUT IT (Or not..give him an out) is safe for him.

Remember he is having to take baby steps as he reveals things to you. He may have to hide a bit, and the flaws you think you see in his story are the signs of his defenses, his hiding. Allow him his defenses.

And remember these defenses are not so much about you..now he knows you accept him...the defenses are his inner ones he has that moderate between the parts of himself that is dying to tell you...and the conflicted parts of himself that is conflicted about the whole CD thing and fears letting anyone know about it. His defenses moderate his conflicts...and are necessary to for him to transend them. As he slowly discovers that these conflicts are only a reflection of the status of his own inner acceptance, they will resolve. Defenses are like shock absorbers.

It is sort of like stripping in front of someone for the first time...except his is an emotional stripping. Bit by bit he will reveal more detail.. as his comfort with and ability to give permission to HIMSELF to talk about this increases!

The lock on the suitcase is his metaphore to you that he cannot plunge into this, or reveal all to you in one fell swoop.

So just listen. Now that this is all out, when he brings this up resist saying anything that will challenge his defenses, his story or judge (that his story is incomplete or contradictory shows he is judging himself) anything about the way he reveals this to you.

Be very patent, gentle and by your quiet actions (not words) let him know you have created a space in you heart for this aspect of himself... and that you would love him to fill it.

Perhaps tell him a story about yourself, about some kink you have that was hard for you to accept.

Perhaps tie a little heart with a ribbon next to the lock on his suitcase for him to discover. The world is an abundant place, it is abundant enough for each story he tells you, no matter how conflicted it may be, to be true for him for that moment. And it is abundant enough for that momentary truth of his to change many times until...he is asking you to help apply his eye liner..