Get a Girlfriend/Start a relationship

[deadlock32]

(WARNING: Bit of a ramble, sorry, first thread)

Ok, well I know this seems very broad and I understand the basics of meeting a girl and all of that, but I have never had a girlfriend in my life. I am almost 20. I feel pathetic. I have been with girls, I know many attractive women but none of them ever seem interested past the point of friendship. I am really looking for tips or general advice to letting the girl clearly know that you are interested in a relationship and not friendship, because I think my initial approach has been very neutral.
Also, I feel like I am completly inept at reading signs girls will give to let a guy know that she is interested, short of grinding against me on the dance floor.
Social situations involving alchohol or other drugs, I don't really want advice on, just because they artificially change your perception and really, in the end, I am in the same situaiton in the morning. I am not really sure what it is but I just can't seem to get a girlfriend. I am not going to mention the ridiculously bad luck I have had when I have been very very close to acheiving my goal. Those were totally out of my control (yet it still angers me, oh well). Any help would be greatly appreciated. I'd really like to experience having a girlfriend or just a steady dating thing, anything!
Thanks

Me: 5'10, 180, very athletic, blond, brown eyes; consider myself attractive...?

 

[Willing and Unsure]

here's the first thing I'm goign to tell you..... dont try too hard.

next thing..... be confident in yourself

third thing..... try not to appear desperate (it's obvious when you are)


basically, when you meet someone that you're interested in, dont be afraid to start up a conversation or flirt with her a bit. try to find things out about her. ya know, really show interest (if you are of course). Sometimes that in itself will get you at least a phone number.

and this is going to sound horrible, but when you least expect it is when you're going to find someone. That was when I had met my first boyfriend when I was 19.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

Me: 5'10, 180, very athletic, blond, brown eyes; consider myself attractive...?

one more thing here.... it's not always about how you look either. there are a lot of girls out there that would rather be with a guy that has some substance to his personality.

 

[H0wl]

First thing.

Stop trying to get a girlfriend

I know, I know....but you're only 20. Forget about the dating game, hard as that is and concentrate on doing things you enjoy. Do thing's you're good at, or get good at things you do. If you're in college join a sports club, or some sort of extra curricular organization.

Almost certainly the reason that you are without a girlfriend is twofold.

1. You're probably trying too hard.

2. You haven't met the right person yet.

At 27, I've had a couple of serious relationships. I lucked into something wonderful recently and me and my partner are still exploring and creating our relationship. It would have been so easy for it to never have happened. All I would have had to do would be to keep my mouth shut when I saw her, like I usually would have done and this wonderful thing that we're a part of wouldn't have existed.

(unless she contradicts me and tells me that she was gonna talk to me anyway that is )

What I would probably do is practice being friends with women in your life before you try for more. It's so much better to be friends anyway.

 

[deadlock32]

Thanks for the tips. I know for a fact that I am not trying to hard. I am involved in alot, almost too much at school. I sail, and I'm a volunteer firefighter/emt. I think it is a combination of not meeting the right person and high standards (I realize they might be a little high). I used to think about the whole girlfriend thing alot in highschool, but I really havn't worried about it too much since college, just letting things happen. I posted mainly because I felt a little dissaditsfied with just "hooking up" with random chics whilst being three sheets to the wind, particularly with beer goggles on. Oh well though, dont look a gift horse in the mouth eh? I'll see where it ends up. Maybe I'll try to stay single? The whole reverse psychology thing? Haha
Thanks for you advice though

 

[H0wl]

You might try not hooking up with random chicks for a while?

 

[tigerjen]

Thanks for the tips. I know for a fact that I am not trying to hard. I am involved in alot, almost too much at school. I sail, and I'm a volunteer firefighter/emt. I think it is a combination of not meeting the right person and high standards (I realize they might be a little high). I used to think about the whole girlfriend thing alot in highschool, but I really havn't worried about it too much since college, just letting things happen. I posted mainly because I felt a little dissaditsfied with just "hooking up" with random chics whilst being three sheets to the wind, particularly with beer goggles on. Oh well though, dont look a gift horse in the mouth eh? I'll see where it ends up. Maybe I'll try to stay single? The whole reverse psychology thing? Haha
Thanks for you advice though

1. It's great that you're involved w/ different activities...
perhaps you'll meet someone thru sailing (an example)?

2. BE YOURSELF........and don't' try too hard.......and
I hear where you are coming from w/ the high standards,
but if you open yourself up more to how others are,
maybe there are more chances.

Good luck!


tigerjen

 

[deadlock32]

HOwl, I probably will do that, but it really only happens after copious ammounts of alcohol. Next logical step: don't drink so much. That I am going to try to do, gotta stay in shape. (Its college though! damn peer pressure, haha)

 

[zhukov1943]

Yeah - take it easy. You're at a time in your life when you'll run into plenty of women. Find the ones that it's easy to talk to - ones that you have a lot in common with - and just let things go from there.

By the way, 20 isn't necessarily "old" to have never had a girlfriend. Most people don't really get serious about such stuff untill college, anyway.

 

[ReadyOne]

Women seem to have this "desperation detector" built in which makes them run far and fast when you are despite for one.

When you're not, they come running.

 

[zhukov1943]

Perverse creatures, aren't they?

 

[BTK51]

Relationships don't exist immediately, they are built. Try dating ocassionally (and sober) for the companionship and for just the experience. You might not hit off with someone but she might know someone that could relate to and vice-versa.

 

[firefighter02]

From one brother to another.

I would echo many of the statments that others have made. Don't try so hard to find it..let it find you. You have pleanty of time to find someone. Just continue living your life and one day suddenly someone walks into your life and it just clicks.

I am not much of a drinker either, but I have found that going to a bar and drinking ice tea or gingerale..or hell even rootbeer is actually not a bad way to meet people. And certainly hang out with your brothers and sisters on the dept. More FF's get set up by other FF's then any other way usually.

One thing I can tell you with all honesty is the older you get the more the quality of the interested parties improves. And besides..believe me when I say there are chicks out there that really LOOOOOOOVVVEEE firefighters... Works for me ...well that and I am just so damm adorable they don't know what to do...oh..and I'm modest LOL....

Hang in there and be safe

FF

 

[flyindolphine]

girls love confidence, if you will have that look on your face where you say that any girl can be yours all what it takes is some patience and creativity. you know that there was a study made, where an average looking guy had to go after the sexiest girls he saw in the bar, movies et cetera. and he had 10% success! so head up and go for it tiger!

 

[thickspear]

wear an open shirt and a gold chain

and once the hot, gotta have it babes smile at you just offer an irresistable line such as.....hmmm...well...i never did like open shirts or gold medals and i would rather be alone than to offer up some lame line...

the thing is...a certain amount of anxiety is to be expected and focus's your attention... so don't mistake the hormonal call as failure or even that you're necessarily doing everything wrong...

we've all known nice, attractive women who have attached themselves to guys with poor hygene, dress poorly and have other turn offs as well

so considering this problem (or taking a positive angle, opportunity) is the subject of a billion or more movies, songs, stories and etc i can assure you that if anyone really knows they're keeping it to themselves...

but i do have one suggestion....find something fun to do and have fun doing it...it's probably better if it's also something the women you like enjoy doing also...such as roller blading rather than shooting rats at the dump...but even rat shooters have gf's so go figure...girls do want to have fun..

so good luck and if you figure out the one sure fire techinque/trick let me know...

ts

 

[deadlock32]

Sounds good, thanks for all the advice. It will come to good use.

 

[eggyweggy]

You are probably being too nice to women.

You know that forcing a woman to like you does not make her attracted to you?

So don't do it.

Be yourself... as in be A Man . Think James Bond, Marlon Brando in "A Streetcar Named Desire", Mr Darcy in "Pride and Prejudice".

Was James Bond EVER look uncool, nervous, shy, out of control, unconfident, just not funny or boring? No.

Did Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire give his wife presents or flowers, told her that he loved her, cave in to whatever his wife and sister-in-law wanted, and was never sexual or flirtatious? No.

Was Mr Darcy desssperately looking for a girlfriend, a sheep who followed the societal rules of the time, desperate for everyone to like him, and cared what others thought of him? No.

James Bond, Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire, Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice are all iconic Sex Gods. They are real Men. Use them as rolemodels for yourself, and extract or enlarge those qualities into your personality that make women weak between the knees.

 

[mcfc2134]

Deadlock 32,

I see where your coming from mate, I'm 21 and looking for a girl yet I never seem to come across one. All the comments made here sound so familar, all my mates say exactly the same - they must be right!!

I've got loads of good looking female friends, but thats all they are and all they have ever wanted to be. My mates say I'm too nice and thats why they see me as a good solid mate than anything further. But thats just me I suppose. Maybe I shouldnt be as nice to girls? I don't know.

There is a girl that's interested, but I dont know if she's for me, not even sure to give it a go. She's a little on the "easy" side, sorry if that sounds harsh, so I *could* probably get something which is making me consider it.

Any further advice appreciated. It just aint fair, women get it so much more easier!!!!

Cheers, Timmy P.

 

[Cakegirl]

And besides..believe me when I say there are chicks out there that really LOOOOOOOVVVEEE firefighters...

OMG that is soooo true.

All you need is to be called out to help a beautiful girl who has locked herself out of her apartment on her balcony, and you can rescue her, and she can be so grateful that she can drop by the station later on that day to give you chocolates...

No seriously, that happened recently with a friend of mine!

Cakegirl

 

[thickspear]

familiarity does breed contempt..that's why when you're by yourself people who have never seen you b4 will have to assess you without the limitations of "he's so and so's guy pal" type crap...

though i really like having female friends i've never met a woman when i was with one...

 

[deadlock32]

Mcfc2134, yeah, sounds like we're in the same boat. I have thought about that whole thing, being too nice. Being nice doesn't seem to be the best tactic. Who knew?
It'll probably work out for the better if I start being more apathetic towards it all. Which suits my style fine. Lazy and not giving a damn, hooray. If I had know that was all I didn't have to do, I would have not done it a while ago.
Not saying I won't go out etc...I'll just be less "nice" and "womanize" a little more. HaHa.



PS: And the firefighter thing has worked many a time, just not for the topic of the thread! Lol

 

[watergirl]

You know...

Being nice is not always a death knell.

My sweetie is absolutely more generous and wonderful and great to me than any guy I've ever met. Did it freak me out a little at first? Yeah... but then I decided to stop worrying about it, and just enjoy it, and treat him the way he deserves to be treated, because he and I have a really fun thing going, and I can't wait to see him again tomorrow... (and yes, H0wl, I would have talked to you even if you hadn't talked to me )

Some girls can't handle niceness from you because they know in their hearts that they are too busy or self-involved or stressed to return that level of affection, or they simply may not be as attracted to you as you seem to be to them. If that's so, all your niceness is going to make them feel a tish guilty or undeserving of it, and that can be why they dodge you or break off a budding relationship, because "He's too nice."

That is my honest assessment, as a woman, of why there is a stereotype that nice guys finish last. The right woman for you will appreciate your niceness and reciprocate on all those little things you do to show how special someone is.

And yeah, 20 is young, don't worry about the serious gf thing.

 

[dollface007]

As a woman, i interpret the "too nice" thing 2 ways:

First, he's too eager. If i'm not sure about a guy (which you probably shouldn't be when you first meet him), but he's soooooo sure i'm the one for him, it's a little bit scary. Not necessarily in a stalker way, but more scary in the sense that i don't want to reciprocate and end up breaking his heart when i find out i don't like him as much as he likes me. That's just a big mess.

Second, he's literally too nice. He takes me, or life in general too seriously. He's not willing to make me the butt of a joke. He seems so nice, that i seem like a total bitch in comparison b/c i make jokes about people, i criticize, i self-deprecate, i'm not overly sensitive. Am i a nice person? Of course i am, but i'm no angel, and maybe having an angel around is a little bit too much for me to handle.

 

[je404ucd]

Willing and Unsure and h0wl seem to have said most of what you need to know.

I am (or was) in the same boat. A few weeks ago (mid july) I was thinking the same thing, "Did I do something so terribly awful that my name got around on some girl black list?" Perhaps that is a bit extreme, but it kind of gets the idea across. Not to get me wrong, I am not some jerk, in fact I have many friends that are girls. But that is all we are, is friends. I am their "Straight male friend that hangs out with them and gives them advice."

That changed near the end of July. I made a decision: "Who needs them!?" No offense, I just meant in a sexual/romantic relationship way. I'm 19, and I am attending college and working. I don't need romantic companionship. So I stopped looking. It changes your entire outlook. Instead of being awkward and watching your step to try to make a good impression, I was just having fun! And I became the most eligible guy at the forum (more of a 5 day seminar though...)!

After the forum, two of the girls are asking me out (distance and language barriers).

Since I wasn't there to find a girlfriend, I wasn't doing the things guys normally do: checking out a girl's body (at least not obviously...), trying to act tough, or all those things.

A few things to bear in mind.
1. Girls like feeling comfortable. (Having lots of guys check them out is flattering, but having one guy constantly checking them out over and over and over again is creepy)
2. Be polite. Don't mistake this for "nice." But part of being polite is being in control of yourself.
3. Relationships take time. Be a friend first (There is no such thing as a "friend zone"). I am AD/HD, so for me that is a requirement.
4. Learn to not be jealous. Jealousy only makes things worse.
5. Have fun with life! If you can't fun while you are single, then girls will know it is impossible for them to have fun with you.

P.S.: There is one more thing that could help... Try to gage how much time to spend with a girl (talking and such). Just as it is sometimes what is not said that matters, it also matters for the time you don't spend together. The biggest trait possessed by a desperate person is that they are always around! Knowing when to "Lay Up"/back off is important.

 

[deadlock32]

Willing and Unsure and h0wl seem to have said most of what you need to know.

I am (or was) in the same boat. A few weeks ago (mid july) I was thinking the same thing, "Did I do something so terribly awful that my name got around on some girl black list?" Perhaps that is a bit extreme, but it kind of gets the idea across. Not to get me wrong, I am not some jerk, in fact I have many friends that are girls. But that is all we are, is friends. I am their "Straight male friend that hangs out with them and gives them advice."

That changed near the end of July. I made a decision: "Who needs them!?" No offense, I just meant in a sexual/romantic relationship way. I'm 19, and I am attending college and working. I don't need romantic companionship. So I stopped looking. It changes your entire outlook. Instead of being awkward and watching your step to try to make a good impression, I was just having fun! And I became the most eligible guy at the forum (more of a 5 day seminar though...)!

After the forum, two of the girls are asking me out (distance and language barriers).

Since I wasn't there to find a girlfriend, I wasn't doing the things guys normally do: checking out a girl's body (at least not obviously...), trying to act tough, or all those things.

A few things to bear in mind.
1. Girls like feeling comfortable. (Having lots of guys check them out is flattering, but having one guy constantly checking them out over and over and over again is creepy)
2. Be polite. Don't mistake this for "nice." But part of being polite is being in control of yourself.
3. Relationships take time. Be a friend first (There is no such thing as a "friend zone"). I am AD/HD, so for me that is a requirement.
4. Learn to not be jealous. Jealousy only makes things worse.
5. Have fun with life! If you can't fun while you are single, then girls will know it is impossible for them to have fun with you.

Well put. That is pretty much what I was planning on doing. Good advice. I finally have a much clearer picture of where I was going wrong and what I was doing right. I wasn't on the creepy/stalker staring end of the spectrum, but I was definatly thinking about it all too much when I was around women I found attractive. Time to change a few things, haha.
Thank you all, its been a huge help.