Gender Question

[MarshallCS]

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Hello

I'm currently going to a counselor about my intersex condition that i just found out about, and my continuing questioning of my gender. Since i was having trouble vocalizing my feelings, she suggested asking other this question.

What qualities/mannerisms/feelings are feminine for you? Since we know that having a hysterectomy or a masectomy does not negate ones femininity, what qualities make you a girl/woman?


I'm hoping that some of your responses will help me with my own feelings

thanks

 

[Leolover711]

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Hello

I'm currently going to a counselor about my intersex condition that i just found out about, and my continuing questioning of my gender. Since i was having trouble vocalizing my feelings, she suggested asking other this question.

What qualities/mannerisms/feelings are feminine for you? Since we know that having a hysterectomy or a masectomy does not negate ones femininity, what qualities make you a girl/woman?


I'm hoping that some of your responses will help me with my own feelings

thanks

Are you uncomfortable with your body or with the gender of the people you have been programmed to be expected to be attraced to?

 

[Brinnie]

"Matt Daemun" ​

 

[MarshallCS]

well, my body says (especially in the last year) that i'm female.... but I was brought up male. I want to match my body. I've always felt more female.

 

[Etoile]

Hello

I'm currently going to a counselor about my intersex condition that i just found out about, and my continuing questioning of my gender. Since i was having trouble vocalizing my feelings, she suggested asking other this question.

What qualities/mannerisms/feelings are feminine for you? Since we know that having a hysterectomy or a masectomy does not negate ones femininity, what qualities make you a girl/woman?


I'm hoping that some of your responses will help me with my own feelings

thanks

Hi MarshallCS, welcome to Lit!

I'm curious, you mention that you are intersexed. You also say that you were raised male but have felt female for the past year. May I ask how you are intersexual? If it is genetic but you have only male genitalia, then you could conceivably investigate the process of transitioning to female. (This is not an easy process, of course, but it's an option.)

For me, femininity is about feeling more than thinking - or rather thinking more about one's feelings than someone who is masculine does. It's about being delicate, I think, rather than having hard edges. I hesitate to say it's about being graceful, because there are certainly feminine people who are not graceful! But somehow I think of that, too. I get the soft-focus Barbara Walters image in my head when I think "feminine" too. (No, not Barbara, just the soft focus!)

 

[snowy ciara]

I'm not sure what makes me feminine. The easy answer is that it's genetically in line with my psyche...

But I'm not too graceful, and I do have a great many hard (or sharp) edges. It's not in the way I dress, since I'm a tomboy and don't do girly well. I suppose I'm fairly nurturing, but I know several males who beat me in that department too.

Maybe I'm not a good person to ask, because I lean more towards androgyny these days. But I couldn't let this most excellent thread idea languish here. It's a hard question.

 

[onceburned]

Hi MarshallCS. What you are going through has got to be very very difficult. I applaud your courage to discuss it with others.

If I understand CAH (Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia) correctly, your body produces lots of excess androgens (such as testosterone) which makes the outside of your body more boyish: deeper voice, hairier body, ambiguous genitals.

I am very glad you are talking with a therapist about this. I think intersex and transgender issues would be very stressful for those under 25. For those who are younger fitting in with your friends and conforming to expectations are so important. It is a very good thing that you have been able to find support.

You mentioned that you just found out about your condition. I hope you are getting good medical treatment as well. I would think that a university town like Bowling Green would have very knowledgeable doctors.

As for your question.... I wonder if there is a difference between what makes you feel feminine and what makes you feel female? I am thinking that feminine has more to do with cultural expectations and values for those who are female. And that feeling female precedes feeling feminine. Feeling female is a basic identity and feeling feminine has more to do with expressing/living as woman according to cultural standards.

I am sorry I am getting theoretical and a bit confusing. But do you (or anyone else here) see what I am trying to get at? Does anyone think I am onto something or am I just blathering?

 

[snowy ciara]

As for your question.... I wonder if there is a difference between what makes you feel feminine and what makes you feel female? I am thinking that feminine has more to do with cultural expectations and values for those who are female. And that feeling female precedes feeling feminine. Feeling female is a basic identity and feeling feminine has more to do with expressing/living as woman according to cultural standards.

I am sorry I am getting theoretical and a bit confusing. But do you (or anyone else here) see what I am trying to get at? Does anyone think I am onto something or am I just blathering?

I think I sorta see what you're getting at. It's like, I have breasts and a clit, but that doesn't make me feminine; it makes me genetically female. What makes me feminine is in my head/psyche somewhere, not the physical characteristics of my body.

 

[Etoile]

No wonder I'm confused, this thread is runnning concurrently with one in How To...

 

[MarshallCS]

Yes--- i originally posted in the How to Board, but they told me to come here to ask.

I'm really not sure about any of this--- so any ettiquite that i abused, i sincerely apologise for.

I really appreciate all your help. I'm also glad you all find this question interesting.

As far as medical treatment, i currently don't have any for two reasons: There aren't any specialists in the area (i went to one who was supposedly a specialists and it was a horrible experience) and secondly, insurance companies consider all this similar to transgender people trying to get a sex change and do not cover it (even tho it is a biological condition)

My physical condition (i believe) is called CAH. Down there, i have a large clitoris/penis, and then a small vaginal hole twoards the base of my scrotom/vaginal lips where i potty and stuff. my chromosomes are XX.

I've pretty much decided that i want to be female--- match what my body has tried to tell me for ages. I'm just afraid of being rejected by society and loosing my job and all that stuff. So we are trying to figure out things to do so i can feel more feminine and also work on vocalizing how i feel (which i'm having trouble doing)

 

[Etoile]

Oh, you didn't get any etiquette wrong - I was just wondering where onceburned had gotten all that information from!

It sounds to me like you are female. You are XX, you have genitals typical of female CAH individuals, and you feel like a female. This could be comforting in knowing that your feelings actually do match who you are, but it does present the greater challenge of overcoming how you were raised. Also, how old are you? I found a message board about Late Onset CAH that you might want to check out.

 

[onceburned]

Oh, you didn't get any etiquette wrong - I was just wondering where onceburned had gotten all that information from!

erm... yes, I had both threads open and I meant to post in the other one (where CAH had been mentioned) but I goofed up.

But if MarshallCS will forgive me for that I would also like to mention a website:
Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia Education, Research and Support (CARES).
http://caresfoundation.org/

Its got some advice for dealing with insurance companies, which may (or may not) be helpful: http://caresfoundation.org/insurance.html

've pretty much decided that i want to be female--- match what my body has tried to tell me for ages.

Good for you! Being true to yourself may not be easy, but it might be the best way to happiness.

I'm just afraid of being rejected by society and loosing my job and all that stuff. So we are trying to figure out things to do so i can feel more feminine and also work on vocalizing how i feel (which i'm having trouble doing)

Those are very reasonable concerns and yes they present difficult challenges. Transitioning is not an easy process and there can be resistance. But I think you might also find that there is more acceptance than you expect, too.

Letting your feelings out, giving voice to them, may be difficult. Guys are still raised to 'stuff' their feelings, to not admit to hurt. This might take some time to overcome.

It seems like you have good relationship with your therapist. I am glad for that and disappointed that the 'specialist' was so awful. Medical people sometimes lose a bit of their humanity - I guess it goes with the job.

 

[snowy ciara]

I found a message board about Late Onset CAH that you might want to check out.

I like this one too: Transgender Resource Message Boards. I found them here: Transgender Resources .

Medical people sometimes lose a bit of their humanity - I guess it goes with the job.

I sometimes think it's because they frequently see so much pain and distress that after a while they sort of shut down their emotions when they come to work.

 

[Methodical_Insomniac]

From a fellow BG person.

Hello,

I'm a college student in BG and I know that there are many like-minded people who go to Vision meetings (The support group for people going through the hardships of coming out, or searching for their identity and sexuality.) I'm a member and a supporter, if you want to talk, maybe I could help, and once school starts back up, I could figure out where Vision will meet, and you could ask some people there who've been through the same thing.

Best of luck,
-Dylan