Gaming vs Relationships

[Christopher2012]

I dread posting this question. You guys know my faults.

So I'm dealing with a huuuge gaming addiction along with substance abuse. I am in no situation to be in a relationship. I have so many mental issues. I get that. But I severely need intimacy. I need sex. So I'm stuck because I definitely don't want to give up gaming but biologically, I absolutely need some form of personal touch with a woman.

So there are several obstacles:
-Substance abuse
-Fear
-Anxiety
-Introversion
-Gaming

I am the perfect virgin for life aside from paying for sex. I've tried therapy. I've tried drug therapy. And I've tried addiction recovery. Nothing pushes me toward being happy.

The sad thing is.... With all my problems, I'm a pretty decent guy. I have a solid job. I am indepedent. And I'm an honest man with good motive. I just have crippling mental issues that kill any chance with women.

What do I do? This is such a difficult situation to be in. Honestly, if i had no desire for sex nor intimacy, I'd be fairly happy. What do you think?

 

[fire_breeze]

I dread posting this question. You guys know my faults.

So I'm dealing with a huuuge gaming addiction along with substance abuse. I am in no situation to be in a relationship. I have so many mental issues. I get that. But I severely need intimacy. I need sex. So I'm stuck because I definitely don't want to give up gaming but biologically, I absolutely need some form of personal touch with a woman.

So there are several obstacles:
-Substance abuse
-Fear
-Anxiety
-Introversion
-Gaming

I am the perfect virgin for life aside from paying for sex. I've tried therapy. I've tried drug therapy. And I've tried addiction recovery. Nothing pushes me toward being happy.

The sad thing is.... With all my problems, I'm a pretty decent guy. I have a solid job. I am indepedent. And I'm an honest man with good motive. I just have crippling mental issues that kill any chance with women.

What do I do? This is such a difficult situation to be in. Honestly, if i had no desire for sex nor intimacy, I'd be fairly happy. What do you think?

Christopher, I like you. I think you're a great guy - messed up, maybe, but then again, who isn't - but a great guy nonetheless. That said, what I am going to say you are NOT going to want to hear. However, I also know that you are willing to listen (even though you often protest ) to the various opinions posted. You know how the HT culture works, so you know what to expect: a hopefully thoughtful discussion.

Technically, you do not need the touch of a woman. You do not need sex. What you are describing is not intimacy. Intimacy is not just sex. Intimacy is sharing and giving yourself to your partner. It's putting your partner's needs ahead of yours, it's giving your partner what s/he needs or wants in a relationship, it's an intense emotional dynamic. Intimacy is desiring the other person: wholly, fully and unconditionally. Intimacy requires you to be vulnerable because you are giving yourself wholly - and intimacy requires trust that your partner will reciprocate, and will not hurt you.
Does sex express intimacy? Abso-fucking-lutely. But one can have sex without intimacy. And one can be intimate without sex.

So do you technically need intimacy? No. I believe that people need fulfilling companionship, but that could come in as friends, family and yes, with intimate partners, but that's just me. But again, a touch of a woman is NOT intimacy. It's NOT companionship. It's merely a touch, and that raises flags for you, my friend.

What worries me is that you'll substitute gaming with sex, and that is very dangerous. Addiction, as you know, is an illness. You get off of the high, the thrill. It's also an escapism. You hide from life, and more dangerously, from yourself, through your addictions. You go from one to another, and adding sex to the mix can severely push you over the edge. You are hiding from yourself and you are letting fear rule your life. It's easier to be fearful and to let it consume you: it absolves you of responsibilities and it's easy to blame when things don't go your way. It's easy to say 'oh, well, X didn't happen because of Y'. Living in fear is comforting because you know what to expect. You will never be disappointed because you don't put yourself out there. Living in fear is easy because you live with the pain you know but not risk being hurt. And addiction covers the pain, an offers you a safe way of living with your fear. However, putting sex into that mix... well. It may become another addiction.

I really think you're taking the first steps towards recovering; you are realising that a) you do have a problem and b) what your obstacles are. But you have to want to change. You cannot expect happiness or healing to come without desire and want.

You say that all that you have tried didn't push you to be happy. I have some unfortunate news. They will not push you to happiness. Only you can do that. Unless you want to accept help, unless you want to change, unless you want to face your fears, you are not going to be happy. All the therapy in the world is going to do nothing unless you want to. Once you want to change, once you are willing to accept help, that's when you can push yourself at being happy.

So my opinion? Try to get your addiction under control before you explore sex, because unless you do, you'll start abusing sex as well. You'll start using women just as you do games and substances. The big difference is that unlike substances and games, women are actual people and you'll end up hurting them. You are not that kind of guy, Christopher. For all your faults, you are very respectful and considerate. Do not become that guy.

Oh and by the by, being an introvert is merely being content with yourself. It's not an excuse to hide from yourself. A lot of people, yours truly included, are introverts and do not need a thriving social life in being happy and to have meaningful relationships. Being an introvert is just the way a person is wired, that is all. It's not a bad thing, although I do agree that North American value system makes it seem to be a fault as opposed to a positive trait that it is.

I know this is a long and can be read as a pedantic post, but in all honesty, it's genuine and sincere concern for your well being. I do not want you to go through that. Just think about it, that is all, and maybe realise that there are those who are concerned about you

 

[luvnmyboys]

I think the best start is trying to tackle the issues you've listed. If you can get a point where you are feeling happy with yourself, I sense you will have a lot more success in finding a relationship. How about joining some groups that go along with your interests? Get out and meet some new people, develop some friendships and see where that takes you. If there aren't any groups you are interested in, how about volunteering? I think giving yourself pep talks on a regular basis could be helpful so you actually follow through with goals. Sit down and think through what happiness looks like to you and then start making goals. Break the goals into as many small steps as you can. You don't need to tackle everything all in one day. Every little step forward is a good one. Best of luck!

 

[njlauren]

I agree with firebreeze's post, I won't repeat what they said, but they are dead spot on, your happiness is your own and you own it, nothing is going to make you happy other than yourself. And FB was dead spot on, your problem isn't sex, it is having a relationship, intimacy is a lot more than sex. You can pay someone to have sex with them, or do cyber, or whatever, but that is not really intimate, and that is not a real relationship. It is okay to use a pro for sex, use them, because that is their service, but if you go after a girl for the sex, you will be using her, and it will hurt her, and despite all your quirks, you are a decent guy...

I know you said you have tried therapy, but the key to therapy is finding the right person, if you really want to find happiness, it takes work, and to be honest given your self described personality type, you need someone to help with it I would guess. Keep in mind that a therapist does not make you happy, they help you to make yourself happy. When someone goes to a therapist with gender issues a therapist does not tell them "oh, you are transgender and should transition", they help the person make decisions to make themselves happy, and help them make the steps to get there, but the person themselves does it.
In your case, I would try to find someone who is an expert on relationships and also addictions, many therapists I have seen are both, and work with them. The biggest barrier, Christopher, is going to be finding someone you like and trust, because in therapy, you need to trust them enough to tell them everything, and if you are a person who has trouble with relationships, that makes the therapist one difficult. I worked better with female therapists, my therapist was wonderful for a lot of reasons, very unique person, and the key is finding that. Might take some shopping around, but I sincerely believe you won't break the patterns without help. One thing I know for sure, knowing you have a problem is a big step, but an even bigger one is the steps to get past it/over it/around it.

 

[Hypoxia]

free advice, and worth every centavo

A truism: Nobody else cares if you make yourself miserable, so why bother?

Another truism: Yes, you *can* change yourself, but ya gotta hafta wanna.

As was mentioned, you can get past loneliness and isolation by going social. Find groups pursuing interests you share, or take (or teach) classes on appropriate subjects. I got laid while taking wildflower/botany classes, and while teaching first aid classes. (CPR training somehow invites frenching.) I found my long-time partner by going on singles' hikes. Et cetera.

Getting past fear, anxiety, introversion, and behavioral habituation (not addiction, that's different) is tougher. The right therapist might help. You CAN do it yourself, but ya gotta really wanna. Case in point: I have had physical addictions to nicotine and alcohol, and habituation to various self-destructive behaviors, including obsessive gaming, overeating, and hermitage.

I got past those. How? It felt like a switch flipped inside my head. I reached points where I was no longer satisfied to be on one side of a divide. I 'quit' smoking a dozen times, and it finally worked, when I got tired of waking with my mouth tasting like the bottom of a birdcage. I figured that the way to stop being fat was to stop overeating; I dropped 60 pounds in 4 months and have stayed slim, just by eating a lot less. I got tired of wasting my time gaming and staying by myself, so I stopped; I changed my behaviors.

In each case, I didn't 'try' to reach a goal; I just did it. Trying doesn't work. JUST DEWW IT!

I don't think I can teach you how to find inner strength and determination. Whether you do it alone, or with help, you still have to make a stand, make yourself WANT to change. If you don't really want to, it won't happen. Your future really is up to you.

 

[desertslave]

Find a way to be happy with yourself first. Don't drag anyone into a difficult relationship until you've found a way to be your own friend and enjoy your own company first. That doesn't mean you have to be perfect, just comfortable in your own skin, without external influences like drugs or gaming.

 

[Christopher2012]

Christopher, I like you. I think you're a great guy - messed up, maybe, but then again, who isn't - but a great guy nonetheless. That said, what I am going to say you are NOT going to want to hear. However, I also know that you are willing to listen (even though you often protest ) to the various opinions posted. You know how the HT culture works, so you know what to expect: a hopefully thoughtful discussion.

Technically, you do not need the touch of a woman. You do not need sex. What you are describing is not intimacy. Intimacy is not just sex. Intimacy is sharing and giving yourself to your partner. It's putting your partner's needs ahead of yours, it's giving your partner what s/he needs or wants in a relationship, it's an intense emotional dynamic. Intimacy is desiring the other person: wholly, fully and unconditionally. Intimacy requires you to be vulnerable because you are giving yourself wholly - and intimacy requires trust that your partner will reciprocate, and will not hurt you.
Does sex express intimacy? Abso-fucking-lutely. But one can have sex without intimacy. And one can be intimate without sex.

So do you technically need intimacy? No. I believe that people need fulfilling companionship, but that could come in as friends, family and yes, with intimate partners, but that's just me. But again, a touch of a woman is NOT intimacy. It's NOT companionship. It's merely a touch, and that raises flags for you, my friend.

What worries me is that you'll substitute gaming with sex, and that is very dangerous. Addiction, as you know, is an illness. You get off of the high, the thrill. It's also an escapism. You hide from life, and more dangerously, from yourself, through your addictions. You go from one to another, and adding sex to the mix can severely push you over the edge. You are hiding from yourself and you are letting fear rule your life. It's easier to be fearful and to let it consume you: it absolves you of responsibilities and it's easy to blame when things don't go your way. It's easy to say 'oh, well, X didn't happen because of Y'. Living in fear is comforting because you know what to expect. You will never be disappointed because you don't put yourself out there. Living in fear is easy because you live with the pain you know but not risk being hurt. And addiction covers the pain, an offers you a safe way of living with your fear. However, putting sex into that mix... well. It may become another addiction.

I really think you're taking the first steps towards recovering; you are realising that a) you do have a problem and b) what your obstacles are. But you have to want to change. You cannot expect happiness or healing to come without desire and want.

You say that all that you have tried didn't push you to be happy. I have some unfortunate news. They will not push you to happiness. Only you can do that. Unless you want to accept help, unless you want to change, unless you want to face your fears, you are not going to be happy. All the therapy in the world is going to do nothing unless you want to. Once you want to change, once you are willing to accept help, that's when you can push yourself at being happy.

So my opinion? Try to get your addiction under control before you explore sex, because unless you do, you'll start abusing sex as well. You'll start using women just as you do games and substances. The big difference is that unlike substances and games, women are actual people and you'll end up hurting them. You are not that kind of guy, Christopher. For all your faults, you are very respectful and considerate. Do not become that guy.

Oh and by the by, being an introvert is merely being content with yourself. It's not an excuse to hide from yourself. A lot of people, yours truly included, are introverts and do not need a thriving social life in being happy and to have meaningful relationships. Being an introvert is just the way a person is wired, that is all. It's not a bad thing, although I do agree that North American value system makes it seem to be a fault as opposed to a positive trait that it is.

I know this is a long and can be read as a pedantic post, but in all honesty, it's genuine and sincere concern for your well being. I do not want you to go through that. Just think about it, that is all, and maybe realise that there are those who are concerned about you

Ouch Breezy, that one hurt.

So I guess let's take a step back. First of all, I was drunk when I made the original post and I would not have done so sober. Secondly, alright... I guess I should change my post a little bit.

1.) With your definition of intimacy, which I'm sure is correct, I want no part of it. I have an absolute desire to be alone. I'm selfish, not narcisistic, and I want to be happy alone. Biologically, I need sex and sex alone with the way you put it. I don't want to give of myself. I don't want to serve others. I'm here for me and me alone. That may sound absolutely horrible but it really is the truth. I just don't have compassion for other people. I have zero interest in connecting with others aside from business transactions and work-related situations. Oh, and well... World of Warcraft. Can't play that without people. So I guess that if it counts.

So that covers the intimacy portion. Oh and about not being "that guy," see #3 for more. I have hurt people. Now, I haven't gone out and did/said whatever to get sex but I have hurt people. I do care but not enough. It's weird and hard to explain. But don't give me the pass of being a decent human being to others. I guess my motive really isn't all that great, in retrospec.

2.) My substance abuse is hiding and escaping from the stress of work. It's probably going to stick around for a while. When I don't drink, I don't sleep. I have racing thoughts as I lay in bed and I drive myself to the edge of insanity overanalyzing the smallest of interactions.

3.) i have hurt people. I have all but destroyed friendships with even my old college friends who try to get me out of the house. I've destroyed my friendships on videogames even. My drunken stupidness led to me constantly hitting on an IRL friend who played FF with me. She never said yes which just became frustrating. So my sober self understood but when I was drunk, I gave her hell which she didn't deserve. It pretty much came to a head during a night that I have no recollection of when I sent her all kinds of messages (text and in-game) asking ger why she wouldn't give me a chance. After that, my sober self told her in person to completely remove me from her life. I was honestly scared for her. I never said anything threatening or violence related but I had no idea what I could possibly do. It was painful for both her and her brother. We no longer talk, and I put Final Fantasy XIV to a permanent retirement on my game list. I'm now obsessed with with World of Warcraft. The good news is that all of my online buddies on WoW are all dudes. When I get drunk, I'm just stupid and do crazy in-game crap like finding players from the other faction to fight which brings about just funny stories.

4.) I am dying. If that isn't scary enough to motivate me, I'm going to win a Darwin Award. It will be a slow weed out of my genes, but it will happen. Which brings me to a surprisingly great question - isn't that FOR THE BEST? I really should be optimistic and happy that my genes will not pass on. Healthy humans are social. Checks Maslow's Heirachy of Needs. I will be a horrible husband and a worse father. I will destroy lives and create potential disasters. My children, if I had them, will have higher chances of obesity, diabetes, heart problems, and substance abuse issues. My offspring will be potentially antisocial as well. I will literally be the reason for some future person's unhappiness. So it's a good hypothetical question. Should I accept this death and be happy for those who experience the joys of life? And watch them have our future offspring who are strong, social, and able to handle our world?

Anyway, I'm going back to bed. I have a 14-hour shift at 8am so I'll address the other posts when I get online after 11pm. Thanks for the help. As always, you guys give solid advice. Some of the best on the internet. That's why I stick around. Oh and to bug the crap out of you all.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

You stick around to play the YES, BUT and WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME games with the fools.

 

[Christopher2012]

You stick around to play the YES, BUT and WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME games with the fools.

Well no, breezy has changed my mind about intimacy. I have now been enlightened about what I really want. And intimacy is NOT it.

So you're wrong.

 

[NightL]

Don't some women like gaming? Surely there must be some out there - somewhere??? But try to meet them in person - get out of the house and go to those convention thingies... and if you drive to them you will have to be sober so at least they will see you in a better light.

Oh - and to clever jibblybits - here is your chance to shine - but you won't because you are so preoccupied with all your failed relationships and the career that was robbed from you by retirement - what reflected misery will you dispense in 2014? I suspect somewhat greater than 2013 - being a reflection and all.

See Christopher, even here you can gain comfort in realising that you connect with others more than some.

 

[Que]

"Where addiction exists, true intimacy cannot." - Dr. Jenn Berman

The problem is you're always going to want your substance or the distraction of gaming more than you're going to want the intimacy, Unless you work on those issues a relationship is not going to be a healthy one. The only girls are going to attract are the ones who get off on the idea of fixing you and that's going to frustrate both of you.

Among other things in your post I hear you beating yourself up for paying for it. One way or another everybody pays for it that's just cultural. It's a lot cheaper to rent that it is to own.

Your ego is clearly suffering though. You can itemise your positive strengths but you don't believe it. Clearly.

The title your thread through me before I read your post I assumed this was going to be one of those post-world someone wants to know whether you think should be in a real relationship or try to game women I was going to say you have to game women to get into a relationship. And I don't mean that in a manipulative coercive way. What I mean is you have to participate in the dance and courtship that is human biology and mating. And I suppose some people are good at it not really but you really should practice just for the fun of it. Get out hit on some women don't worry about if you fail it makes for a fun story come back and tell us how you got shut down what's the rudest thing some girl says to you. I bet be awhile before you get shut down hard.

As far as the substances and the gaming- they're both the same thing you're just checking out of society. Professionals can help but there are no substitute for the peer feedback Of a sponsor and a 12-step group. Your sponsor doesn't have to be someone you like it doesn't have to be somebody that you would even hang out with your sponsor just needs to be someone that for whatever reason you aren't willing to lie to.

Anyway get out there and do something different and see how you feel.

You ever noticed how ex-smokers will always say that food taste better now? -like that.

My best friend about the time that I got married was born in 1953 he died right before I got married in 1992 at the age of 38 from an aneurysm. He never really had a serious relationship and he was a hell of a guy. Smart roll red dedicated. Enough of a man's man that you just wouldn't even know it unless you got to know him. Guy used to teach gun survival knives and whatnot out the desert in the 1980s could take a dog on the wing with a pistol. But you never hear him brag about it.

He used to talk like you did he had diabetes he had been mildly heavy through his life he had lost quite a bit of weight before he died because he was trying to use exercise help the diabetes it was working pretty well and then the aneurysm got him he was bald like I am now at the time he thought hair wasn't half that I have course no that's nonsense. He didn't think you should pass his genes on.

Well, fuck him! I got the last laugh. I named my son Will, after him.

 

[bailadora]

4.) I am dying.

If you stop to think about it, from the moment we are born, we are all dying. None of us know how much time we will be granted here. Some have a long span of years, while others are cut short by accident, disease, or for some, choice.

What we do with the time we are given is up to us. If you want to be happy, it's a choice you are going to have to make for yourself. Others can make suggestions, and offer advice till they are blue in the face. But until you make the choice and the commitment to do the work to get there (and yes, sometimes it is exceedingly hard work), you will remain where you are. I suspect this is something you already know, but don't really want to acknowledge.

 

[Christopher2012]

I disagree with you saying you have zero interest in connecting with others.

If you had zero interest in connecting with others you wouldn't be on forums, you wouldn't seek games that connect with other humans. Maybe online interactions are a much safer way of putting yourself out there, but in many ways you are still putting yourself out there. It's not a bad thing to want connections, or to be scared of forming them, or even to screw them up sometimes (we all do).

Hmm... Good point. I wonder why though. I have no desire to actually spend time with others. I wonder why I want to connect.

I'll think about it and follow up when I get off work. Gotta go back and verify some prescriptions. :/ first of the year sucks.

 

[Christopher2012]

If you stop to think about it, from the moment we are born, we are all dying. None of us know how much time we will be granted here. Some have a long span of years, while others are cut short by accident, disease, or for some, choice.

What we do with the time we are given is up to us. If you want to be happy, it's a choice you are going to have to make for yourself. Others can make suggestions, and offer advice till they are blue in the face. But until you make the choice and the commitment to do the work to get there (and yes, sometimes it is exceedingly hard work), you will remain where you are. I suspect this is something you already know, but don't really want to acknowledge.

Unfortunately you're right. I have no desire for help. More later.

 

[Christopher2012]

Okay so sitting here, I've realized that I'm somewhat at a stalemate. There is no move to make between what's healthy and what I depend on to get me through the shit.

So I guess since I really don't care to help myself, it's a done deal. So I wonder what will happen... It's a pretty scary thought. But it's very real and seemingly inevitable.

Hmm... 25 years old and already done with life. It was a pretty shitty ride.

So weird that I got caught in this. I never thought it would happen to me. Oh well, time for booze and WoW.

 

[NightL]

Why don't you get your fix at a gaming cafe - no alcohol and at least you will be around others with the same interests - in the same room.

You even admit to your pattern - whine and complain - eventually ask for advice - take absolutely none of it on, dismissing every suggestion, then go back to whining and complaining. The alcohol and gaming are not really your problem at all, you are just using them to justify your inactions of getting out of the house and socialising in the real world.

If you don't want to come across as a energy vampire, write about some efforts you have made "I got out of the house today for a coffee and complimented the waitress on her service" - simple but you would have made a small connection. Small interactions become conversations. Ask questions of others and don't talk of yourself unless answering a direct question.

Just try any of the suggestions offered here or at any other time you have pleaded for answers yet run from each and all. Try one - try the next suggestion - keep trying - stop being an energy vampire. Ultimately why would anyone want to offer help to someone who does zero about helping themselves? Asking for help or indeed going off to counselling means bat shit if you ultimately reject all advice - again and again and again...

Write a list of all the advice and suggestions offered you over the years - print it out and have it displayed by your computer - reward yourself as you attempt each one and cross it off the list. Write a diary of how well you believe each suggestion worked for you - compare then hone into the ones that not only make you smile, but also bring smiles to others. It appears that all you are doing is sapping the energy out of others and not giving a single thing back. Smile at people - say hello - compliment them - stop being whiny.

 

[bailadora]

Okay so sitting here, I've realized that I'm somewhat at a stalemate. There is no move that I want to make between what's healthy and what I depend on to get me through the shit.

So I guess since I really don't care to help myself, it's a done deal. So I wonder what will happen... It's a pretty scary thought. But it's very real and seemingly inevitable.

Hmm... 25 years old and already done with life. It was a pretty shitty ride.

So weird that I got caught in this. I never thought it would happen to me. Oh well, time for booze and WoW.

Fixed that for you. You do have choices, and your future is not inevitable, it is not set in stone. It doesn't have to be as shitty as your past or your present. But you have to have the balls to effect the change.

I like to think I'm pretty sympathetic, but people who refuse to take action to help themselves, who would rather bitch and moan about how unhappy they are irritate the living fuck out of me. I just want to hit you upside the head with a 2x4 and yell at you to grow a pair.

You want a reason to be depressed? Google Joni Eareckson Tada. Setting aside her religious beliefs, if ever a case could be made for someone thinking they had fuck all to offer someone else, it would have been her. And yet she has gone on to build a rich (not in the financial sense, but in all the other ways that count), rewarding life for herself. She learned how to paint - using her mouth, and her artwork is damn good! And by sharing her experiences, she became an advocate for others with disabilities, so she has also enriched the lives of others. If she, who is paralyzed from the shoulders down, has been able to accomplish all that she has, how much more could you, who has all his faculties, do?

I usually try make my posts more diplomatic but I abhor wastefulness, and it seems to me that's what you're doing with your opportunities.

 

[NightL]

I like to think I'm pretty sympathetic, but people who refuse to take action to help themselves, who would rather bitch and moan about how unhappy they are irritate the living fuck out of me. I just want to hit you upside the head with a 2x4 and yell at you to grow a pair.

...that would have saved me ten minutes of typing - and so much more to the point

 

[Christopher2012]

Fixed that for you. You do have choices, and your future is not inevitable, it is not set in stone. It doesn't have to be as shitty as your past or your present. But you have to have the balls to effect the change.

I like to think I'm pretty sympathetic, but people who refuse to take action to help themselves, who would rather bitch and moan about how unhappy they are irritate the living fuck out of me. I just want to hit you upside the head with a 2x4 and yell at you to grow a pair.

You want a reason to be depressed? Google Joni Eareckson Tada. Setting aside her religious beliefs, if ever a case could be made for someone thinking they had fuck all to offer someone else, it would have been her. And yet she has gone on to build a rich (not in the financial sense, but in all the other ways that count), rewarding life for herself. She learned how to paint - using her mouth, and her artwork is damn good! And by sharing her experiences, she became an advocate for others with disabilities, so she has also enriched the lives of others. If she, who is paralyzed from the shoulders down, has been able to accomplish all that she has, how much more could you, who has all his faculties, do?

I usually try make my posts more diplomatic but I abhor wastefulness, and it seems to me that's what you're doing with your opportunities.

Don't you get it? The paralysis is of the mind. The paralysis is of the heart. I had a therapist put a situation in front of me.

Two people get into a car accident. Each person ends up paralyzed from the waste down. One of those two people, Person A, ends up thriving and living a happy pife despite the extremely terrible circumstances. Person B, on the other hand, goes into depression, has no drive, etc. Now, I'm no psych professional but she showed me a graph. Belief -> Consequence -> Action. So the root of the person's heart is belief. When they go theough something in life, Consequence, their actions are dependent upon what they believe.

It's a problem that's rooted mentally. It's easy for you to see physical disabilities such as losing an arm or being paralyzed but you fail at seeing how powerful the mind is. You fail to see how crippling the brain can be when it's not healthy. The good thing about all of this is that I have become WAY more sympathetic to patients who are suffering mental illness. They oftentimes come to a pharmacist as if they're not good enough for society. But when I throw in that I also suffer from issues like anxiety and depression, they open up like I'm a semi-therapist. It's kind of nice actually. I had a guy yesterday upset with his psych MDs office and added that I probably didn't have time to listen to his story. I told him, "Not true at all. I have been there as a patient once, they were rude, and I paid them off, and said to hell with them." His situation was nearly identical.

It's easy to see the pain of somebody who is going through a physical problem. But you don't EVER realize the pain somebody could be having even with a smile on their face and without a care in the world (seemingly). Would you hit a paralyzed person upside the head with a 2 x 4 if they couldn't physically pick up a ball? Emotional pain hits the same area of the brain as physical pain and we each deal with it differently.

Alright, I'm rambling. I'm hungover and tired. Going to lay down. For some reason though, and you might be somewhat the cause of this (didn't you say you worked in HR), but the emotionally weak are NOT dying off. Society is pulling us through which goes against natural selection. This is perhaps a different battle for a different day, but today's society is certainly holding human kind back by allowing the very wastefulness that you're upset about. Let the weak go. Let them die. It's supposed to be that way.

 

[Christopher2012]

Here's why I believe meaningless sex might be therapeutic. You have to watch until the end though. It's a 3-minute long video.

http://youtu.be/vzrjEP5MOT4

 

[NightL]

Na - won't be drawn into your further justifying your non-actions - won't watch the video.

Do you cheat in your gaming? Just curious.

Yes life can be difficult and a fuck load of hard work - but the rewards can be amazing - and there are no short cuts for that level of reward.

 

[Christopher2012]

Na - won't be drawn into your further justifying your non-actions - won't watch the video.

Do you cheat in your gaming? Just curious.

Yes life can be difficult and a fuck load of hard work - but the rewards can be amazing - and there are no short cuts for that level of reward.

You invited yourself here. You're welcome to leave.

Cheating in video games, no. I was an iLevel 90 Paladin and iLevel 70 White Mage in Final Fantasy XIV with a level 50 Black Mage thrown in the mix. On WoW, I'm a level 57 Paladin, Level 30 Priest, and starting a Rogue for shits and giggles. Trust me, it's a shit ton of work and the rewards are so awesome even though they mean so little. In Final Fantasy, I have full Relic + 1 sword and Holy Shield. They are massive weapons which are gorgeous. And with full gear on, it's empowering and stimulating to the mind. It makes you feel challenged, skilled, and ultimately rewarded. It's the best carrot-on-a-stick idea ever.

I've only played WoW for a couple of weeks. It's better than FF imo.

 

[NightL]

Cheating in video games, no. I was an iLevel 90 Paladin and iLevel 70 White Mage in Final Fantasy XIV with a level 50 Black Mage thrown in the mix. On WoW, I'm a level 57 Paladin, Level 30 Priest, and starting a Rogue for shits and giggles. Trust me, it's a shit ton of work and the rewards are so awesome even though they mean so little.

Means something to you - now perhaps read back what you just wrote...

 

[Christopher2012]

Means something to you - now perhaps read back what you just wrote...

Well I mean they mean so little in real life. Of course, I know the insignificance of in-game achievements. But this all goes back to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. The base tier is oxygen, food, and basically the requirements to actually live. As you move up the tiers, it becomes more psychologically focused. We need social support, self-esteem, all the way up to self-actualization.

The game provides those needs at the higher tiers that real life simply has not given me. When I was sitting by myself amongst a huge group of kids in church, I most certainly didn't have self-esteem. In the game, I'm a powerful ally and my friends online don't function as well without me. I'm wanted. I'm challenged. I'm skilled. And I achieve goals and gain rewards. Every time we kill a boss and it drops a new weapon or piece of gear, a sudden rush of dopamine floods the brain like a synthetic drug would cause.

It's fascinating yet sad at the same time. Awesome yet horrifying. It's something I enjoy and don't want to give up yet it's unfortunately harmful.

 

[NightL]

So why don't you share that passion with others in person.

Why do you really think you are so different than musicians, artists, those who build hot-rods, sports enthusiasts, those who sew, knit, craft - passion is passion - yours is gaming. What is the big deal? Do you really believe your rewards are greater than than that of a young person designing and creating their first complex fashion clothing item. The golfer improving their handicap.

So you didn't get along with the kids at church - SO WHAT - you are all grown up now, highly trained and educated - move on from that nonsense. Find a way to share your passion with others in person - quite simple really.

You also appear to be totally analysing yourself into a hole - if you just spent a fraction of the effort you spend with analysing and worry to do something that would make another grateful of your efforts you may enjoy the benefit of someone smiling and saying thank you. See how your dopamine levels react to that.