Gals, Help me Out Here!

[Guest]

I just a HUGE blow to my self-esteem from another Lit. member. I know this had to happen, but I'd rather have how people feel about me and my contribution to this community OUT IN THE OPEN!

BTW, I will be careful to protect her anonymity, as I have seen how destructive a "flame war" can be.

Anyway - Boy, Am I fucking naive! - Thinking that I've been around here long enough for most to appreciate where "I'm coming from"....

Anyway - I have been PM'ing back and forth with a young woman, in a friendly, NON-Sexual manner - I enjoy her threads, and appreciate her "wisdom" for one so young. (21, I believe...) I gave her a compliment - which she must have taken the WRONG way.

Anyway, the upshot of this is - she says to me last night "flirting w/ me won't get you anywhere - you remind me of my Dad".

Great! - I said, I'll take that as a compliment, because while I flirt outrageously w some Lit. Gals more my own age - I'd feel weird hitting on a person in her age group. I PM her this morning, having no response to my query - THAT was my mistake, I guess...

She says "No offence, but you give me a creepy feeling" Now... How the HELL am I supposed to take that!

I need imput and support here - That Fucking HURT!

 

[Jimi]

This is Me

I did it again - forgot to sign in...

I'm no Troll

 

[Andreina]

Okay, this person was me *raising my hand*

What the f*** should I do, Jimi. Your messages give me a creepy feeling. Call me odd, but .... bloody hell, what can I say, I sounds odd but they make me feel creepy.

Sorry about that. I know this sounds stupid but that's the way it is. (By the way, we all get rejected here from time to time, and sometimes we get a blow to our self esteem. As Cheyenne said: Life isn't all fun and games. Neither is Lit.


Halo

 

[Cheyenne]

Since I'm more than twice her age, I'm not sure how much I can help.

I haven't noticed you do anything "creepy" on the board- you seem perfectly normal to me. At least as normal as someone who posts on a porn board can be. We're all just a little warped, you know.

I can tell you from another point of view that the guys who "creep me out" are the young ones who email me saying they are looking for "mom." There's nothing wrong with guys being interested in women more than twice their age. I just don't have any interest in being that woman. As a friendly email exchange, no problem. But not sexually and especially not as make-believe incest.

I think maybe whatever your compliment was must have felt to her like you were moving the friendly PMs into the sexual realm. That gave her the creeps. But I'm just guessing.

 

[Jimi]

Thank you, Cheyenne!

Since I'm more than twice her age, I'm not sure how much I can help.

I haven't noticed you do anything "creepy" on the board- you seem perfectly normal to me. At least as normal as someone who posts on a porn board can be. We're all just a little warped, you know.

That made me smile. Thank you. It's nice to know that we "get it" past a certain age. MUAH

I think maybe whatever your compliment was must have felt to her like you were moving the friendly PMs into the sexual realm. That gave her the creeps. But I'm just guessing.

It was probably that... (sigh) But as you can see, she's "Outted" herself. I had absolutely no intention of so doing! I feel better already.

 

[Debbie]

Whoa.Quote,"Okay, this person was me *raising my hand*

What the f*** should I do, Jimi. Your messages give me a creepy feeling. Call me odd, but .... bloody hell, what can I say, I sounds odd but they make me feel creepy.

Sorry about that. I know this sounds stupid but that's the way it is. (By the way, we all get rejected here from time to time, and sometimes we get a blow to our self esteem. As Cheyenne said: Life isn't all fun and games. Neither is Lit. "

Thank you LittleDevilWithAHalo, for clarifying who 'she' is... You are a brave, upfront woman.

Jimi6996


Don't take it so personally.
I am sorry it was a huge blow to your self esteem. I am young *cough*.
What you interpret as being a non sexual manner? May be interpreted another way to her. The gal in question may have been straight up. Telling you like it is to her. Honesty being the best policy.

I can understand the hurt. I have 17 year olds seeking 'mature' motherly advice from decrepit me on ICQ and MSN. You know in the form of, "Are you looking for me, I just wanna chat. etc" Knowing full well more likely it is, cyber me. Something I don't do. We gals, have to go by our gut feeling. Sometimes branding you guys with an unfair label.



P.S as usual Cheyenne said it well, :"I haven't noticed you do anything "creepy" on the board- you seem perfectly normal to me."

Until I 'know' someone well on the net? PM's/emails are under strict scrutiny as to your 'intentions.'

 

[Cheyenne]

Re: Thank you, Cheyenne!

That made me smile. Thank you. It's nice to know that we "get it" past a certain age. MUAH

You're welcome. I agree with the others- don't take it personally. We don't all "click" with everyone here, no matter what the age.

There are some people here that I knew I'd be fast friends with after one PM. There are others that I've exchanged a few strained emails with, and then the communication kind of died out. The ones I have a harder time with are the people who start out as regular email partners and then fade away! That always feels personal, even though I know it probably isn't. Real life intrudes, time for being online changes, computers break, etc. There are lots of reasons for communication dying. But many times it does feel like you've just lost a friend when it happens.

 

[Georgia Girl]

Jimi,

LDWAH has made herself clear, you give her a creepy feeling she does not wish to speak with you. There are countless other people in this community that you can speak with. Choose one of them and move on. By starting this thread you are either looking for sympathy or having a public pity party. Neither is attractive.

Have a nice day.

Dawn

 

[Jimi]

Jimi,

LDWAH has made herself clear, you give her a creepy feeling she does not wish to speak with you. There are countless other people in this community that you can speak with. Choose one of them and move on. By starting this thread you are either looking for sympathy or having a public pity party. Neither is attractive.

Have a nice day.

Dawn

Thank you for your kindness - If you would look carefully - she made it public Not I.

Advice accepted Moving on

 

[Jimi]

Thank you Deb

We gals, have to go by our gut feeling. Sometimes branding you guys with an unfair label.



P.S as usual Cheyenne said it well, :"I haven't noticed you do anything "creepy" on the board- you seem perfectly normal to me."

Until I 'know' someone well on the net? PM's/emails are under strict scrutiny as to your 'intentions.'

Thanks - I never hid the fact that I was partly to "blame" - but some are quick to "jump" on us "poor guys"...

 

[Sorsha]

Well I AM creepy!!

Ill just let everyone know that right now

 

[Jimi]

Re: Well I AM creepy!!

Ill just let everyone know that right now

Aus Getseichnet! Prima! ( is that right?)

 

[Sorsha]

I have no idea....

My German sucks!

 

[lavender]

 

[Andreina]

Re: Re: Well I AM creepy!!

Aus Getseichnet! Prima! ( is that right?)

Ausgezeichnet! Prima!

 

[Jimi]

Correction?

It's misspelled.

Thanks , lavy - I figured it might be...

Ich spreche KAUM Deutsches

 

[*bratcat*]

Re: Thank you Deb

 

[Jimi]

Re: Re: Thank you Deb

bah, Jimi...you have always creeped me out...I HATE when someone makes me laugh!

You silly LotusLander Gurrl, Cathy... I don't give a crap how many folks abuse whatever persona you have currently - you've been a good friend to me!

Thanks, Darlin' !

 

[*bratcat*]

Re: Re: Re: Thank you Deb

 

[KillerMuffin]

This is the upshot of the whole situation since it will happen again, not necessarily with the same individuals, but it always happens.

We have no idea how the people reading what we write are going to take it. There are no verbal cues, there are no body language cues, there is nothing but flat words to convey an impression. Most people simply don't have the facility with the language to add the nuances of what they're thinking that a tone or gesture would convey with only words.

The situation:

He thinks: we're friends, she's a nice, smart girl.
She thinks: we're friends, he's a nice guy like my Dad.

He writes a compliment that I'm wildly assuming pertains to her physical self or attractiveness.

He thinks: we're friends, she's a nice, smart girl.
She thinks: Whoa. He wants to fuck me. He's like my dad. Creepy.

She tells him off because she never thought of him that way and now she thinks that he thinks of her that way. He writes back wondering what the heck?

He thinks: I thought we were friends, what's going on?
She thinks: Creepy, dirty old man.

The problem here? Total miscommunication. He meant one thing and she understood another. Like they say, you never get a second chance to make a good impression. That "creepy" impression, meant or not, was what happened and it's not going to go away.

See, the communication things you're running into is not only a total lack of usual communcation cues, but cultural differences that we never see. You know you're talking to people from different cultures by their accents, the way the gesture when speaking, what they're wearing, how the stand or use their body when they speak. Here, well, we all mostly use standard English that's universal. There's little by way of cultural clues. You don't know what someone will think of a compliment, particularly a male to female compliment.

My advice to prevent this from happening again, do not make comments about physical things or attractiveness in private communication because that makes it very personal.

If someone does something on the board or in private that can be interpreted in more than one way and one finds it creepy or offensive, it might behoove one to make sure that the intentions read into the words were the same as the intentions written into the words.

 

[morninggirl5]

I have a friend and former boss who used to drive me crazy with her favorite answer to disagreements...

"It's not what you say, it's how you say it."


I disagree. "It's not what you say, it's what they hear." Perception really is a greater part of communication than we want to admit.

With only our words to communicate, perception plays an even greater role and sometimes those perceptions get crossed. It's part of the medium that we have to learn to deal with.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[Jimi]

This is the upshot of the whole situation since it will happen again, not necessarily with the same individuals, but it always happens.

There's little by way of cultural clues. You don't know what someone will think of a compliment, particularly a male to female compliment.

My advice to prevent this from happening again, do not make comments about physical things or attractiveness in private communication because that makes it very personal.

If someone does something on the board or in private that can be interpreted in more than one way and one finds it creepy or offensive, it might behoove one to make sure that the intentions read into the words were the same as the intentions written into the words.

A lot of that HAS been going through my mind this morning, KM.

Thank you for sharing your experience in an accurate and helpful way. If I may make so bold, as we haven't "talked" before....

 

[Cherry]

Just move on, Jim

... and don't let it dampen your spirits. Lots of nice people to talk to here.

 

[Cheyenne]

My advice to prevent this from happening again, do not make comments about physical things or attractiveness in private communication because that makes it very personal.

Just for the record, I don't follow that approach at all.

How boring life would be without any compliments- both giving and receiving! I don't think I've ever had a compliment that I've given be refused. And the proper response to a compliment received is a plain "thank you."

A compliment doesn't mean someone wants to rape you, or be your lover. Accept it for what it is, and nothing more.