Funniest statements before, during, after sex

[Balladeer08]

McKenna's thread on best compliment brought this to mind. But this isn't just about compliments, it can be anything that is funny.

I had a girlfriend that after our first time together said "Is THAT what I've been faking all this time?"

 

[Riles]

"I had no idea you could bend like that...oh, you can't? Do you want me to get you something?"


"Honey, I hate to ask, but was that a g-spot O or did you just pee on me?"

 

[WeedSmoke420]

"I had no idea you could bend like that...oh, you can't? Do you want me to get you something?"


"Honey, I hate to ask, but was that a g-spot O or did you just pee on me?"

lol...

 

[Colonel Hogan]

McKenna's thread on best compliment brought this to mind. But this isn't just about compliments, it can be anything that is funny.

I had a girlfriend that after our first time together said "Is THAT what I've been faking all this time?"

She stole that line from Goldie Hawn in "Private Benjamin."

 

[HoHoBomb]

"wanna spend the night"

 

[WeedSmoke420]

"wanna spend the night"

eh.. that's logic

 

[Balladeer08]

She stole that line from Goldie Hawn in "Private Benjamin."

Had to look the movie up on IMDB. Probably true, it was about the same time. '79 or '80, I can't recall for sure. Cracked me up at the time.

Wait, no. She was between marriages, so it had to be '78. Son born in August, '79, brought it clear to me.

 

[oxphocker]

I don't know about a funny line per se....but having an ex-girlfriend who's willing to provide references is a pretty nice ego boost =)

 

[LongDrySpell]

"Oh! You're in?"

In my defense, I was REALLY drunk, and he was REALLY small. Even worse, this was when I lost my virginity. Way to make it special!

********

With a different guy, years later:

Him: I'm really self-conscious about my asshole.
Me: What?
Him: Well, because my butt cheeks don't touch. It's just out there for anyone to see.
Me: Why are you talking about this? I can't see your asshole when we're fucking.

This was a really comfortable FWB relationship. We could talk and make jokes during sex without worrying about "killing the mood," because there was no romance to begin with. Some of the best sex of my life.

 

[Balladeer08]

"Oh! You're in?"

In my defense, I was REALLY drunk, and he was REALLY small. Even worse, this was when I lost my virginity. Way to make it special!

********

With a different guy, years later:

Him: I'm really self-conscious about my asshole.
Me: What?
Him: Well, because my butt cheeks don't touch. It's just out there for anyone to see.
Me: Why are you talking about this? I can't see your asshole when we're fucking.

This was a really comfortable FWB relationship. We could talk and make jokes during sex without worrying about "killing the mood," because there was no romance to begin with. Some of the best sex of my life.

I think you deserve a do-over on the lost virginity. We could organize a search party to look for it.

 

[KRCummings]

One guy just kept going and going and going and really wasn't very good at it. I finally said "Are you going to cum or what?"
Now it can be looked at that perhaps I wasn't on my game and I'm willing to accept that but believe me, there was some effort on my part. The guy was on autopilot and it got real boring real fast.

 

[SeaDaddy1]

I meet this woman in a bar. One of the 1st things I said to her was, "Darlin', I'm gonna fly you to the moon!". A few hours later, we're in her bedroom with those big tall windows about a foot off the floor.

I get out of bed with a sheet wrapped around me, then trip and fall out the window into the bushes. She says,"Darlin', I think you're launching pad is aimed in the wrong direction!"

 

[LongDrySpell]

I think you deserve a do-over on the lost virginity. We could organize a search party to look for it.

I think I got a do-over. The "long dry spell" is 6+ years. After 5 years the Bureau of Virginity sent me a replacement V-card.

(For those of you wondering, the Bureau of Virginity is part of the Department of the Interior.)

 

[Colonel Hogan]

I meet this woman in a bar. One of the 1st things I said to her was, "Darlin', I'm gonna fly you to the moon!". A few hours later, we're in her bedroom with those big tall windows about a foot off the floor.

I get out of bed with a sheet wrapped around me, then trip and fall out the window into the bushes. She says,"Darlin', I think you're launching pad is aimed in the wrong direction!"

That didn't really happen, did it?

 

[Riles]

That didn't really happen, did it?

I am more curious to know why he felt the need to wear a bed sheet. I thought only women did that.

 

[fgarvb1]

"I'm not Frigid!"

Wasn't funny to me.

I gave her a eye roll.

I knew that three seconds after I met her.

 

[MarkSlaughter]

Does anybody need a limousine ride to the Airport?

 

[McKenna]

Ooooh, nice thread idea. I'll noodle on it and get back to you.

 

[dutchrain]

I had told him twice I wanted to chance position because a stone was poking in my back. He orgasmed just as I decided I had enough and pushed at his hips.

He was flabbergasted and looked at his proudly spouting member.

"Shit, I could have used that condom later on..."

 

[knot_sweet]

One guy just kept going and going and going and really wasn't very good at it. I finally said "Are you going to cum or what?"
Now it can be looked at that perhaps I wasn't on my game and I'm willing to accept that but believe me, there was some effort on my part. The guy was on autopilot and it got real boring real fast.

Similar story to yours except I said "I'm bored now, get off me".

I'd even tried getting him to switch positions, offered a bj, nope he just wanted to monotonously bang away in missionary.
Needless to say, his nickname among my friends became "Mr Monotone" and I wasn't stupid enough to sleep with him again.

 

[thør]

"Honey, I hate to ask, but was that a g-spot O or did you just pee on me?"

Well??

 

[Disgustipated]

"Where did you learn to eat pussy like that!?!"

 

[Riles]

Well??

I ain't sayin.

 

[IndieSnob]

After going down on Sonny's wife, she turned to me and said did Disgustipated teach you how to eat pussy?!?!

 

[Balladeer08]

Similar story to yours except I said "I'm bored now, get off me".

I'd even tried getting him to switch positions, offered a bj, nope he just wanted to monotonously bang away in missionary.
Needless to say, his nickname among my friends became "Mr Monotone" and I wasn't stupid enough to sleep with him again.

I'd almost forgotten this one, you reminded me of it.

Girl I went to college with. Beautiful hair, went down below her butt. We went to my place, started necking, got naked, started banging away. Missionary, on the side, moved up to doggy and she said "Okay, already! You've proved your point."

Point?

To this day I have no idea what point I proved.

But I never felt the need to prove it again.