A Desert Rose
Simply Charming Elsewhere
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This is neato...
From my e-mail today
- Thread starter A Desert Rose
- Start date
A Desert Rose
Simply Charming Elsewhere
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another neat one...
redelicious
Bedroom Bottom
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Ok, so this isn't from today's mail, but I haven't been able to log on before now....
*The first Christmas joke of the season*
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."
And So The Holiday Season Begins....
*The first Christmas joke of the season*
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."
And So The Holiday Season Begins....
A Desert Rose
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redelicious said:
Cute! Thanks.
A Desert Rose
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1) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown
2) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey
3) "Instead of getting married again, I'm just going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart
4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base," --Dave Barry
5) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" --Marilyn Pittman
6) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat". I said, "'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone
7) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
"Duh." --Conan O'Brien
8) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner,"--Lynda Montgomery
9) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west!'" --Richard Jeni
10) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson
11) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography," --Paul Rodriguez
12) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law," --Jerry Seinfeld
13) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same" --Oscar Wilde
14) "Suppose you were an idiot...And suppose you were a member of Congress...but I repeat myself," --Mark Twain
15) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
16) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne
And my favorite one:
17) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' --Dave Barry
2) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey
3) "Instead of getting married again, I'm just going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart
4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base," --Dave Barry
5) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" --Marilyn Pittman
6) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat". I said, "'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone
7) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
"Duh." --Conan O'Brien
8) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner,"--Lynda Montgomery
9) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west!'" --Richard Jeni
10) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson
11) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography," --Paul Rodriguez
12) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law," --Jerry Seinfeld
13) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same" --Oscar Wilde
14) "Suppose you were an idiot...And suppose you were a member of Congress...but I repeat myself," --Mark Twain
15) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
16) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne
And my favorite one:
17) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' --Dave Barry
A Desert Rose
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For WriterDom...
To celebrate 50 years of marriage, a couple booked a weekend at St. Andrews. On the third tee, the husband said, "Darling, I have to confess something.
Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband, "Darling, since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before we met."
The husband threw a fit! He cursed, threw his driver away, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted, "You liar, you despicable cheat! How could you? I trusted you and you've been playing off the ladies' tees all these years!"
To celebrate 50 years of marriage, a couple booked a weekend at St. Andrews. On the third tee, the husband said, "Darling, I have to confess something.
Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband, "Darling, since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before we met."
The husband threw a fit! He cursed, threw his driver away, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted, "You liar, you despicable cheat! How could you? I trusted you and you've been playing off the ladies' tees all these years!"
A Desert Rose
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And this e-mail took my breath away...
I think He wants change for a quarter...
I think He wants change for a quarter...
TNRkitect2b
Sir Brian
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I'll add mine in 
Traffic Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two cars were waiting at a stoplight.. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move.
The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the
man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash and the light turns yellow.
The woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and scream curses at the man. The man, hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.
The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.
The police officer tells her to shut off her car while keeping both
hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the police officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a police officer approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects.
He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping that guy off, and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you, and then I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" and "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper stickers, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
Traffic Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two cars were waiting at a stoplight.. The light turned green, but the man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move.
The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the
man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash and the light turns yellow.
The woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and scream curses at the man. The man, hearing the commotion, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.
The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.
The police officer tells her to shut off her car while keeping both
hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the police officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a police officer approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects.
He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping that guy off, and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you, and then I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" and "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper stickers, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
A Desert Rose
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What do you do when you have:
* time to spare
* a knife
* a lime
* a cat
* a camera
* and too much tequila?
* time to spare
* a knife
* a lime
* a cat
* a camera
* and too much tequila?
A Desert Rose
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A Fairy told a married couple: " For being an exemplary married couple for 25 years I will give you each a wish"
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife.
The Fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! two tickets appeared in her hands.
Now was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well....this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So.... I'm sorry my love, but....my wish is...to have a wife 30 years younger than me"
The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.... abracadabra! and suddenly the husband was 90 years old.
What is the lesson learned?: Men are bastards, but Fairies
are.....females!!!
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife.
The Fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! two tickets appeared in her hands.
Now was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well....this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So.... I'm sorry my love, but....my wish is...to have a wife 30 years younger than me"
The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.... abracadabra! and suddenly the husband was 90 years old.
What is the lesson learned?: Men are bastards, but Fairies
are.....females!!!
A Desert Rose
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An old one... keeps coming around to me (and I bet you too)every couple of months but I still think it's kinda funny. And it's not true.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX, which is held in Las Vegas, by the way), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like! Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil,water,temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX, which is held in Las Vegas, by the way), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like! Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil,water,temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
A Desert Rose
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1
A Desert Rose
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sorry. i submitted too fast
A Desert Rose
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2
A Desert Rose
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Jesus, did I need this laugh today...
An executive was pondering over a hard decision. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Betty or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Betty came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Betty, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Betty replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."
An executive was pondering over a hard decision. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Betty or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Betty came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Betty, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Betty replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."
A Desert Rose
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Okay that was funny! And one I have not heard before
WriterDom
Good to the last drop
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Redneck Logic
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
A Desert Rose
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lmao... that is wonderful!
cellis
Saucy
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A Desert Rose
Simply Charming Elsewhere
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Thanks Cellis. That was cute.
This one is just pretty. It loads kind of slow but is worth the wait:
http://wires.news.com.au/special/mm/030811-hubble.htm
This one is just pretty. It loads kind of slow but is worth the wait:
http://wires.news.com.au/special/mm/030811-hubble.htm
lark sparrow
Literotica Guru
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- Oct 11, 2002
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The Ticket
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn cop writing out a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-dicked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse shit.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a shit.
My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age. .
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn cop writing out a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-dicked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse shit.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a shit.
My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age. .
